My husbands an alcoholic but doesn't think he has a problem

[udbe2]

Okay so here it goes.  My husband has a problem but he thinks he doesn't.  We've been married for almost 3 years and I continuously catch him lying to me and hiding things.  He knows that I don't approve of him drinking and driving but he does it anyways.  Tells me that he's never had an accident while drinking and that I have a problem w/ him drinking not him.  This past Saturday I call him because it was late and I was going to the store to pick up some items.  Come to find him at some persons house who one he doesn't know and he's drinking beer with them.  So I leave and about 30 minutes later I call to see if I need to pick him up.  He tells me that the cops are chasing him and that I'm not supportive enough to pick him up so he's going to continue to drive home.  Slurring and yelling at me as though I forced the beer down his throat.  So he gets home and continues to yell at me, tells me he's leaving and going to see his family about a thousand miles away.  Gets in the truck and tears out of the yard.  Calls me up yelling again that it's all my fault.  Finally gets back home again and tells me that I can have the house, property and everything else, calls him mom yells at her and says hateful things, calls his step dad who thankfully talks some sense into him so he gives me a hug and stays at home.  After the first time he left I called an alcohol hotline trying to get some support.  They wouldn't help but told me that I could court order him into rehab.  He admitted on the phone that "maybe he does have a drinking problem" however the next day he tells me that he doesn't even though he has a horrible hang over.  He will drink when he gets home every day and sometimes as he is driving home from work.  He can't drink just one, nope he will drink a 6 pack or even more.  

I love him but this has got to stop. He's going to hurt someone or even himself but he won't get help and I just don't know what else to do now.   I have put him in jail once because he came home saying he was going to drive to see his family and I took the keys from him.  I know that I can't reason with him while he is like this so the only thing I knew was to keep him from driving.  He started choking me and slammed my head into the ground.  The cops came and put him in jail for 2 nights.  He gets annoyed with me for always talking and "Bitching" about his drinking but I do love and care for him enough where I don't want to see him hurt.   He told me he was never going to touch it again but a few days later he will be drinking again.  I say mean and hurtful things to him hoping to open his eyes for him to realize that I do love him but just can't take walking on eggshells anymore just to try to make him happy but only to tick him off.  I never know what is going to make him angry.    I just wish there was a liquid or something to put in his beer to make him so sick of drinking that he will not want to drink it again.  

I know I enable him but want to stop and when I put my foot down he can care less if I leave or not because he has his friend "beer" with him.  

What can I do to help him realize he has a problem.  I really want to help him.  I know this is long but I've been keeping so much inside for all these years.  

[boogieman]

hi there. sorry about your circumstances----i'm dealing with a similar situation now indirectly. the sad fact is that there is very little that can be done until the person wants to quit for themselves. they basically have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired---that's what it took for me and i almost died in the process. the best resource available is alanon, as it will give you support and help you understand the nature of alcoholism, in addition to help with healing the emotional wounds typically inflicted by alcoholics. please keep posting and let me know of i can be of further assistance----take care,  gm

[joesprincess2007]

Oh my dear we have a lot in common. The lying, hiding stuff, thinking we don't know what's really going on. And I'm sure the drinking and the stress you are under are not helping things either. I'm forever asking "What's the truth and what's the lie" because I get two different stories about every situation. I gave up on the struggle of trying to make him understand what he was doing. On Sunday we were at his company picnic at an amusement park...free pass including food all day for the whole family. After a little while I could see him getting agitated and pretty soon it just turned to anger and he made us leave because he was in need of a drink. Needless to say I was furious....I can't afford to take my kids places like this often so a free day was much appreciated, and now it's cut short for me and my kids and their friends that came with us....that was my last straw. I didn't say one word to him the entire night and when he tried to talk to me in the morning because now he's sober and realizes he did something wrong I simply told him I would not tolerate him hurting my kids like that. Today is his second day in detox, and he must continue with some sort of rehab program or he needs to leave this house. I know how hard it is when you love someone but unfortunately if you don't let go they will bring you down with them. And trust me, they will go down eventually. Every addict hits bottom at some point. Alanon is a good program for people like us that are trying to deal with an alcoholic in our lives. Try to be strong and put your foot down firmly and don't give in. It works in the long run, I promise!

[udbe2]

I'm so glad that I have someone who is close to my age and in the same situation to talk to about this.   It has surprised me that on Sunday I guess he was hung over a bit however he would not admit to me but I heard him say it to his mom on the phone.   He didn't drink Sunday and I was ready for him to have one yesterday  when he came home after work.  Surprise.... he didn't drink.  He asked me if I wanted to go with him just to be with him because he wanted to clean the truck.  Yeah after spilling beer in the console and on the floor it smelled really bad.   I went with him but he cleaned it.   He told me that since everyone around him thinks he has a problem with drinking that he is done and is not going to touch it again.  I've heard this one before but I'm being supportive and hoping it's true this time.   He doesn't seem to realize that I've been there before and had to go through detox when I was 17.  I'm now able to drink 1 beer without over doing it and enjoy a nice glass of wine if I would like one.   I've removed all the beer, liquor and anything else to keep him from being tempted however I'm praying that his boss doesn't push him into drinking a beer with him.  

He actually said something very sweet the other day which surprised me and almost made me cry.  He told me that he was going to give up drinking before he messed up a great marriage and looses the best thing that ever came into his life.  I sure hope he means it this time.  

The only thing is that I still have no clue and it's hard for me to really believe every thing he says because he has lied to me so many times and I've caught him at these lies.  I told him to grow up and stop lying would be a good start along with not drinking.  When he gets as drunk as he was on Saturday he hits rock bottom and gets so depressed that he acts stupid and doesn't think things through.  

I've called the Alanon but they don't have a set location here and have been trying to get their program established and more secure around our area.   I told him that no matter what I would help him through everything and be there with him as long as he is making progress on not drinking.  I just pray that things continue.  

I know just what you are going through too.  I cringe every time we have to go some place around my co-workers.  I won't even accept dinner invintations because a lot of my friends do not drink and don't want to be around someone who does excessively.  It's like I'm a social outcast because he chooses to drink and I can't trust what he might do or say.  

I'm here for you and I'm so glad that I have you to talk to about all of this.  

[joesprincess2007]

It's so funny that everything you are saying I have said myself! I hope things get better for you and he gets back on the right track! I'm always here if you need to talk....oh and we have another thing in common....I have dachsunds too. Actually my house is a zoo....3 dogs, 3 cats, ferrets, rats...my daughter is an animal lover!

[udbe2]

Things have been very interesting around the house.  He actually has not touched alcohol since Saturday and this morning he was chipper, sweet and plesant.   We are all hoping that things continue.  How are things going for you?  LOL  it's so funny that we have so much in common.   We have a zoo too,  5 dogs, 4 kittens and 2 horses.  I'm not even going to count the wild baby duckies that are swimming in the stock pond.  

All I need to complete the family is a child that is not the one that I'm married to. LOL  

[taleah19]

Hi, I just read your question and I too am in the same category. I have been in my relationship for almost 5 years and tried to leave many times. Each time I leave he promises to quit or control his drinking. He goes to a bar every night after work and drinks at least 7 beers and 3 shots and on his way home at least 2 more beers (for the road) and then continues at home with another 5 or so. I have not seen him drink less than 12 beers in one day. He says he does not have a problem, I do. Sound familiar? He has come home so drunk falling on his face before he makes it in the front door, laughing thinking it is funny. I wish he would smash his face in and knock out his teeth!  I wonder when he is going to kill himself or worst someone innocent. The sad thing is no one wants to spend time with us because he is always drunk. I rarely drink (maybe 2 a month) because I don't like the taste so I cannot understand why he is so addicted to it. He has chronic diarrhea and vomits or gags up phlegm from smoking cigarettes and pot every morning. I love him when he isn't drinking but hate him when he is. I know this has taken a toll on me because I am now depressed and staying home alone because no one wants to come over or spend time with me. I know in my heart I need to leave him but I just can't seem to. So to you "udbe2" I wish much luck.

[sickinmo]

No offense, but don't set your expectations too high all at once.  If you do, you might be in for a rude awakening.  Hopefully this time, it is for real, but as a recovered alcoholic speaking, it takes more than sweet talk and not drinking for a week...

Alcoholics have patterns that we go through.  If your husband is sincere in 'solving the drink problem' then he will go to any lengths to keep his sobriety.  Period.  And he has to be willing to do so. He can't do it for you, your family, the animals, or anyone else.  He has to do it for himself.  Period.