My mom is an alcoholic

[Ashleyd85]

Hi guys I just need an opinion from someone but my mom has been an alcoholic for a long time now. She has been through rehab and has relapsed a few times. It gets to the point when I just bottle up my anger inside, its killing our family and even though I'm on my own now, my siblings have to deal with it. Shes not the happy-go-lucky drunk either but shes a very self-destructive kind of drunk.

I understand its not her fault and for the past few days I was debating on what to do. If the "tough love" plan worked (where you keep your distance and the person may or may not realize what they've lost) or just biting my tongue and dealing with it because I love her.

Now, to me writing helps me vent out my emotions, but when I was online she found out what I was talking about and she doesn't want to talk to me even more now(well either me or about the subject I'm not entirely sure). I did apologized to her but she didn't want to hear it. I understand she felt betrayed but I was just trying to reach out to my friends and family for advice on what to do. Please help me.

[kitonthemoon]

Hi Ashely,

My heart goes out to you.  It must be super tough for you over the years know mom was addicted to alcohol and you cannot help her to quit.  Do you have any idea what make her wanting to drink?

I also read from your profile that you want to quit smoking...do yo think it has something to do with mom's alcoholism?  


Quitting really is not very difficult...I smoked for years, and one day I just decide to kick the habit and never touched it once since.  It has been 15yr  The thing is you really, really want to quit, pretty much like mom...but before that determination is made...no one can really make you quit anything.  

I'm here to support if you ever need someone to talke to..

Take care.
Kit

[dorti]

Ashleyd85,I know exactly how you feel. Usually everyone wants to do something so that person would change its behavior. Everyone except... that one specific person.
I know it may sound cruel but sometimes you just have to learn how no to care and worry so much and try to think more about yourself and your own future. Do only stuff you have to do to survive around that person. Do not do anything stupid or responsible, just try to focus more on your own life and your needs. It will block you from everything what is bad and what hurts. You are just trying to protect your loved ones, but sometimes these people are not seeking for protection and help. I know, that you think that if you will push and demand and be strong that person will wake up one day. And maybe he/she will wake up but that is something that they have to do on their own. Sometimes you trying to help so much that you forget to ask them: Do you  really want me to help you? Are you expecting my support and help? Tell me what you feel and I will respect that I will leave you alone... I'm hoping you understand my point - do not stop loving your loved ones, just try to be more selfish and try to love yourself more. Sometimes you do not have a power to change things. But be patient and smart - this is also your life and your future you have to worry about and you have to protect yourself. Good luck Ashleyd85.

[tschock]

dorti is right!
I've lived with alcoholics all my life...my dad being one of them.
I gave up years ago. I love him but I can't save him.
So many people have walked out of his life now because of it. I feel so bad for him, and it hurts me to look at him,but I can't make him quit. He has to want to do it himself.
He used to ask me for money all the time and I used to give it to him because his cupboards and fridge are always empty...but not anymore...now I make him plates of food that he can freeze. I will go out and buy a bunch of canned goods,etc., but I won't give him money because he takes it straight to the bar. He used to call and say things like " You have to help me little girl. They are going to cut my power off." Now when he says that I ask for his account number so that I can pay his power bill and he'll hang up.
My dad was never there for me growing up. He was too busy with his booze and his drunken buddys. He was not there for my graduation,my wedding,my babies...my step-dad was though,so it helped. My real dad was far too busy drinking to ever help me...but I continue to help him,to love him,to show him what he's missing in life...which is life itself.
I feel pity for him. But I refuse to let him destroy me...I will not drink because I don't want to be like him...
Just love the drunken people in your life...but don't try to help unless they come to you for help. When and if that happens,then go with them to see a professional to discuss the different methods. Be supportive. Just don't let them drag you down with them.
You say that she doesn't want to talk to you...then don't talk to her. Let her come to you. If you mean more to her  than her pride and the booze she will talk to you again...
I hope she isn't taking this out on your siblings. If she appears to be abusive towards them...even yelling at them constantly,it would be good if you were to call someone to take the kids out of there. Maybe an older relative could help.
Good luck sweetie,and if you need someone to talk to, we are all here for you.