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Need a little support
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Need a little support

Hi everyone, I am new to this site but have been reading all the posts for a week or two, its helped so much to make me feel stronger.

I was with my AH for 4 years, married for 18 months and it was a real rollercoaster of  events due to his drinking and my anger at it/him.  I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and when I met this great guy I fell head over heels. He drunk in the beginning like a binge drinker and then over the last year like an alcoholic. My sister and father were both alcaholics too.

There was emotional and physical abuse over 3 years and I could not take any more so I left for the sake of my sanity and my kids. He has attempted suicide twice and since moving  very close to my home he has suffered a mental breakdown (He says because I left). He gets lots of councilling and help and is severely depressed and angry.  When he attempted to take his life this last time I refused to go running, I rang the medics and checked with the hospital but did not go to him.  His family think I am a mean cold hearted women and just dumped him, they dont know the half of it.

I am trying to get on with my life and keep my family safe but I feel so low and sad for the love I have lost, we all say it but when sober he was a truely lovely man, drunk he was a monster.  I miss him terribly, its been 3 months and some days are good some are bad. I have no family and my friends have heard enough.  I have taken the route
of no contact with him as any contact turns into a fight or a blameing session, he bombards me with emails and letters through my door calling me an awful person one minute then the next, "God I miss you". My heart is breaking and my anxiety is huge.  I had to go to a solicitor to have them warn him off too.

I am so sad it turned out this way and will always love him but its just toxic for me to stay.He my friend and wanted wanted to call him at times to support him but its so hard and I am scared I am giving him the wrong idea if I do.  Last I heard he was going to get on with his new life and find someone else as he does not want to be alone, it makes me so sad but I know I have to tdeal with it.

I had an email today from him, it sounded so angry, why was I not calling to see how he is, he said "now I know where I stand with you".  I wish him well and happy always, I need to mend my broken heart and I dont know how.
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24 Comments Post a Comment
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495284_tn?1333897642
Hi and welcome to the forum.  You will find alot of support here as most of the people here have or are going thru this.

I would recommend some counseling for you.  You need to start taking care of you as you are what is important.  You took the brunt of the addiction and during that your self esteem goes right down the tubes.  Alanon is a good program and it is free if money is an issue.  We bury many emotions while living with an alcoholic and we need to deal with them and put them to rest.  You deserve to be happy and content.       sara
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you Sara, I have been attending al anon now for a month but agree I could do with some one to one support as I feel alone. This really is a great source of guidance and support.
After my last post I received an email from my AH telling me how he thinks my marriage vows were rubbish as I ran away when he was ill, how noone will love me and he just never thinks of me now, felt like the worst kick in the teeth. How can he be so angry and bullish when I spent 3 years dealing with, hiding, lying for and caretaking his behaviour! He makes me feel like the worst scum in the world.
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82861_tn?1333457511
In addition to what Sara said (LISTEN to her!) you need to change your email address and keep it private.  You'll continue to be his punching bag and life scapegoat only as long as you let him.  You may not have a physical connection with him anymore, but there sure is a mental one.  That's where one-on-one counseling helps.  When we're this fragile, it helps to have a personal cheerleader to remind you that you are making a good - GREAT! - decision no matter what friends and family members have to say about it.

You are the only person aside from your ex-AH who knows the truth of your marriage and why it had to end.  NEVER forget that.  People who have not been in this situation simply can't understand it and therefore, don't give good advice.  They weren't there.  They can't relate.  No matter how you try to describe it to outsiders, they'll usually always place the blame on you for not kissing, making up, and making things all better for your husband's life boo-boos.  Let 'em think what they want and walk away from them the same way you had to walk away from your AH.  

Keep doing what you're doing, change your email address, get into counseling and work on enjoying yourself and your life with your kids.  Just as recovering alcoholics live one day at a time, so do we who had to live with them and now have to rebuild our lives.  Your AH is still mentally browbeating you into submission.  Until you cut off all avenues of contact and allow him even a smidgen of access, he'll keep on trying.  You can't fix his behavior, his opinions, or the way he lives his life.  You CAN fix your own life.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you, I really cannot say that strongly enough, you help me find some strength I did not know that I had. I have blocked his address from my emails tonight and he cannot reach me that way now. I changed all my phone numbers last week too. I want to be strong and be happy, I bloody deserve it and so do my children.
Forums Like this provide lifelines for people like me, professionally I am a strong person but he knows my weak spots and the buttons to press.
Jaybay, I will contact my doctor tomorrow and get some help one to one.
His parents have been so cruel to me, they really don't know anything of what went on and I cannot see either of them ever putting up with being treated this way.
I am sick of crying and self doubt, I want to be happy.
Thank you both again
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495284_tn?1333897642
Stay away from the ones who bring you down as you are right, they dont know the whole story.  Emotional blackmail is something we as active addicts do and we are pro's at it.  Take back the power of your life as you are what is important.  You cant control what others do, all you can do is control you and how you react.  This takes time so work on patience also.  You will be happy again.  Be good to yourself~~~

Keep posting as we are here to help.  The other ladies on here all have family members who are addicts and i am a recovering addict.  I am really glad you have found us~~~~sara
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Avatar_f_tn
Another bad day, more grief from AH telling me that he no longer sees me as part of his life, he says that's part of his recovery... But he was drunk when he wrote it ( I know the signs, phrases and the fact his words were all back to front!!!
BUT if this is true, why won't he move on and leave me alone!
Thought I had blocked his mails last nite, realised I had forgotten to click save changes, which I have since done.
I am being forced to be brutal with him and stay no contact at all because he is untterly unreasonable and won't give up.
I am worn out physically and mentally, it's so unfair.
Waiting on an appointment to see a doctor.
Hope u all are having good days
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495284_tn?1333897642
This is his way of emotionally blackmailing you.  Let him wallow in his own filth now.  You take your power back.

Recovery doesnt involve drinking!!
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82861_tn?1333457511
If another email makes it through - DELETE IT AND DO NOT RESPOND!  As domino has reminded me often enough, you are still living in HIS addiction.  The more you tell him to stay away, the more you encourage him to continue the harrassment campaign.  It's up to you to enforce your boundaries.

I also strongly encourage you to completely dump the email address that he has and start fresh with a new one.  If you're using Outlook, all the blocking function does is funnel the emails to wherever you direct them other than your Inbox - usually a Junk Mail or the Deleted folder.  There is nothing to notify the sender that the address is no longer valid or that he is blocked.  Right now I don't think you can resist looking in that folder to see what new rabid nonsense he has to spew at you.  You can stop the torture right now by deleting that address.

When is your appointment?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, my emails get deleted before I get them, thankfully they don't make it into any of my inboxes, trash etc. He has taken to walking past my house instead.
What do you mean by " living in his addiction"?
I hate the way he has made this end, there should have been no need for this he should have accepted it's being over and just walked away like I had to, I sm the sort of person that hates conflit and it makes me feel bad treating another human this way! BUT I am left with no choice. So sad for love to end so badly.
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1666434_tn?1325265950
Alcoholics and addicts period master forms of manipulation--- they know what buttons to push of yours, they know what makes you tick and what will issue a response from you--- this is what they want, they want someone to argue, they want someone to obsess on or focus on..... why do they do this???  So they don't have to focus on themselves.  If they had nobody to argue with, nobody to yell at, nobody to join in their misery, they would have to sit their and take a look at themselves.

It's literally been almost 5 1/2 yrs. since I have last seen my alcoholic and they continue on occasion to try and engage conversation, they might send a text message, email, try to send messages on social networks I participate in, etc.---- The key is to not respond.  It's difficult but unfortunately there is no resolution in certain situations.
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82861_tn?1333457511
seattle beautifully illustrated "living in his addiction" in her first paragragh above.  As long as he can focus on you by pushing your buttons and getting a reaction - any reaction at all - he can continue to blame you for all his problems and not focus on himself.  You are not behaving badly or being rude or mean by ignoring him.  You're doing him a favor and yourself one as well.  He wants a partner in his madness - they all do.  That's what "living in his addiction" means.
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1666434_tn?1325265950
JayBay is right "they want a partner in their madness."  It is the fuel for the fire.  And they want to suck in as many people as possible.... the more people... the more distraction.  Everything revolves around them, it's a selfish addiction.

You have to get to the point where you distinguish their choices from your own.  They choose to drink.  You can choose to go on with your life and create surroundings that you feel are healthy.  And yes let me say that once you establish your own happiness, they will hate that too and some will even try to interfere with that happiness by all means.  Just keep focused and keep going in the direction you feel is best.  Always liked this quote, "The longest journey that a man must take is the 18 inches between his head to his heart."
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Thank you everyone. I am getting stronger, it hurts to know he is now already seeing someone else. He did say " the day you ask me to come back is the day I say yes"!!!!!!!!! I hate feeling lonely but one day I will be over it all. Once I loved the sober man so much, what a waste. Have a lovely weekend all x
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1666434_tn?1325265950
You just have to know that there is more out there than this one person.  I always liked the saying "People change and forget to tell one another"--- it makes sense in alcoholic relationships, we either grow together or we grow apart.  Keep us posted, we are certainly here for you!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thak you for caring. I went to my GP today, got referred to a councillor and some low dose anti anxiety pills. Just read that book " it's called a breakup because it's broken" lighthearted but makes sence. Trying to do all the right things to get back to being me. X
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1666434_tn?1325265950
I'm glad to hear that you are reaching out and getting focused on you.  Healthy relationships begin with us.  If we don't have a strong foundation we are not going to have the self esteem we need to make positive choices to find a partner that is going to treat us with mutual respect.  Keep us posted love hearing from you.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Good for you on reaching out for some help.  Baby steps are good right now.......Keep us posted on how you are doing~~~~~sara
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A quick update, saw my ex by accident last week in town. He said hello and proceeded to tell me about his new girlfriend, I said I would rather not know. Also he told me he is still drinking, after all his talk he gave in again. It reienforced my beleif in my decision to leave and move on. I have a therapy appointment on Thursday this week to get some help too, so pleased as it only took 1 week not the 4 I was quoted. Feeling a little stronger too, certainly less anxious sick feelings. Even managed a bike ride yesterday with my 7 year old!!
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1666434_tn?1325265950
Wow what progress and empowerment you made!  That is excellent.  Certainly something huge to be proud of.  Amazing how when we don't have something trying to suck up our energy and consume us what we can do..... and a bike ride with your 7 year old.... something you can appreciate in a whole new light.  Thanks for keeping us updated, what a huge step of growth.
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Avatar_f_tn
Update: last week both my AH and his girlfriend decided to both phone me at work relentlessly! Her asking me if he had mental and drink problems. She told me she had in two weeks of knowing him had to call the police and was scared!!! Apparently when she spoke to his father he told her that my AH did not have any drink related problems!!! Sooo angry, how dare he put another women through this hell!
Since then he called me two days running again asking me to come back, I called the police and told him to go to hell! The police went to see him and five mins later he was back phoning me ( he tracked down my new mobile number!!)
BUT.... I have filed for a restraining order ( court next week) and filing for divorce too. Anti anxiety pills have kicked in and boy do I feel better. Life is on the up now, even planning a holiday.
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1666434_tn?1325265950
Sounds like you need a vacation from the insanity!  It really is sad, they repeat the same thing with different faces in their lives.  The important thing is you don't have to be involved anymore, your life can go on and go up from this point.
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I would like to post for all of those that worry that things will never get better.... well I am  living proof that it does!!!  I would like to  give hope to anyone that thinks they cant be strong or be happy living life without their AH.  Please read my posts and you may see some similarities between myself and your story, and I would like to tell you I have never felt stronger or happier.  I have truely moved on and am loving my life now, it has been very hard, emotional and painfull but I know I did the right thing.  I love being with my happy children, I love being independant and stronger every day and I love the help and support this forum has given me, some truely inspiring people on here.
Sam
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495284_tn?1333897642
You go girl!!!  Let nothing stand in your way of happiness~~
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1666434_tn?1325265950
Thanks for posting your experience, I am so happy for you indeed and even happier that you have come on here to give others a glimpse of hope for their situations.

It does get better, we do get stronger, and we are able to actually live healthy lives.  We do have to be willing to do the footwork and go to any lengths to obtain this happiness.  So follow your gut.
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