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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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Need guidance

My boyfriend of 7 years and I have been having a hard time. I believe that he has a drinking problem and he thinks that i am trying to be too controling. I have asked him to quit drinking several times throughout the past few years to prove to me and himself that he can stop, even for just a few months. The last time we had this conversation was just a few weeks ago. He claims to have stopped drinking but I dont believe him, I think i can smell it on his breath and tell in his behavior that he has been drinking.I don't know what to do and while leaving him would be the obvious choice, we have two very young children and I don't want to have them not see daddy every day. He is a good dad and other than the trust issues I have, he is a good partner. AM I being to controlling or does he have a real problem.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am really against drinking too much.  I can tell if my hubby had 1 beer 4 hrs ago.  I can smell it and it stinks.  Maybe it is time for an Ultimatum.  Like Dr Phill always says children would much rather be from a broken home then live in one.  Drinking is one thing I dont deal with my husband can drink as long as he is in control if he were to start getting out of control I would be gone.  My father and grand father were both addicted to alcohol.  They both were very abusive and never cared who they hurt, so I guess i may be a little bias.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
When you say you can tell in his behavior that he's been drinking, can you elaborate on the specifics of that? If it's a question of not really being able to tell, then maybe there isn't a huge problem, you say he's a great partner and a good father. You've mentioned trust issues being the problem in your marriage. So, are the trust issues about him drinking behind your back, and you're not sure if he's drinking or not and lying to you, or is there more to it, is it unassociated to his drinking? Many people drink, not necessarily to excess, but it can still be a bother to people who are clean and sober. Being clean and sober, I can't understand why people would make drinking a part of their lives, but I've got many relatives who do wish to partake in social drinking or drinking at home. I never would, now that I've lived a clean and sober life, but that's just my choice, and I can't expect other adults to quit having a drink because it bothers me. If I did, then I would be considered controlling, no doubt. You have to figure out if you want to be married to someone who enjoys having a drink, or whether your husband truly has a problem with alcohol.

You can take the test for your husband, and answer the 20 questions to the best of your ability, but really it is him that needs to find out if he has a problem.

Examples are:  

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
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3060903_tn?1398568723
The fact that he says he's quit, either means that he agrees that there's a problem, or he's whipped. lol. If he is whipped, and quitting social drinking or having a drink to relax, he'll undoubtedly think you're controlling and be unhappy. You got to figure out which it is, before he does, if you want a healthy marriage. IMO. Best of luck, i'm here if you ever want to talk, by personal message. Liz
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Avatar_f_tn
I appreciate your response and would like to know more on your thoughts...Let me tell you the signs I have noticed in his drinking, He has told me that he has quit completely, but I am finding alcohol on his breath, he recently took up sucking on strong mints, but he only does it after he's been out to his car, and I found a backpack full of empty hard liquor bottles in his car when I was trying to help him find a book for class. He claims to not be drinking, but I can tell if he has been because he will get goofy and want to rough-house, he will get really easily distracted and eventually get really impatient with the kids. He was almost fired from his job a few years back when his boss found a six-pack in his work truck, and I believe that last June when he was layed off, it was related to this as well. I had found alcohol bottles stashed in his work truck in the past. My trust issues are from the constant lies about his drinking. For example, in the 7 years together I have almost never seen him mix a drink at home, but I have thrown away many many hard liquor bottles. WHen I question him about them, he says that he feels he can't drink in front of me becuase I will get worried about the quantity, but I have told him that I would rather he be open about it than sneak around. I have made an appointment with a counselor for next week but I am worried that if he doesn't see the effects of his alcohol use, there is not much point in pursuing help. AHHHHH!!! this is the worst!
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Sounds like you already know what you need to do and have it figured out to a degree. Good for you for getting yourselves to a counsellor. Sounds like he is alcoholic and is hiding it from you for sure. Hope he realises he needs to quit. The counsellor and your doctor can give him advice on quitting. Get the doctor to give him blood tests and also test for the alcohol toxicity in his liver. Hopefully that result and the doctors input on high levels in his liver will make him understand he needs help to quit drinking. AA meetings are a great deal of support for him and the 12 step program they study there. You can go also to open AA meetings with him also. Get help, and be supportive, if hes a good man. Alcoholism is a disease. Stay positive !!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
hi.. When you have this conversation tell him that you have more trust in him and you believe him but try to explain him that we have children and all your addiction depends on our future.
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Avatar_m_tn
As a recovering alcoholic, I will tell you (as others have) that your significant other sounds like he has definitely crossed the line into alcoholism/addiction.
Hiding liquor bottles, lying about drinking/amount etc., attempts to cover smell..Not what social drinkers, or even moderate to heavy drinkers do.  I know too well..I did the same.
Feel free to message me.
Mending now
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