This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
When you are married to an alcoholic, when do you say enough is enough?? I've been married for 8 years and have left him many times, but we have 3 kids and I stay home with them!!! I'm looking into therapy for me but he refuses to go with me. We just moved into a house that's big enough for our family so I feel stuck in the situation. He just lost his mother to lung cancer 3 months ago and its getting increasingly worse. Our oldest is not mine but she moved in with us 6 months ago. So we have a 16, 6 and 5 y/o to care for and I'm at my wits end!!! Please advise!!!
Its different for everybody. Loosing a parent or family member is hard to deal with for anybody, but when u have an addiction then things are worse. You begin to try and drink away the pain when that doesnt seem to work then they will begin to get violent and physical. If you have tried councleing and theropy and he doesnt want to work with you on that then you need some time apart and let him catch his cool. If that still doesnt work then you need to leave for good before things get to out of control.
He says he's come to terms with it. We knew it was coming, I mean it was obvious to all of us. He's back and forth on whether he needs therapy or not. i've asked and asked for it b/c we get it free through his job. It just depends on how he feels that day. Today I told him if he didn't make an appt at least for me then I was done. He's asked me to tell him to leave if thats what I want but I'm never going to tell him what to do. Our kids do need him, they just need him SOBER!!! They're old enough to know when dad is being an *** and they are steadily pulling away from him. We've had our really bad moments in the past and as alcoholics do, he gets better for a few days or weeks but the relapse is always there and I know to expect it. If we were to have time apart it would be him leaving but he has no where to go and I just don't trust him with our kids and can't leave our 16 y/o to deal with them if we were to share the kids. Today he thinks he needs therapy but i really don't expect him to follow through with it. On top of all this he's been sneaking my pain meds, I broke a finger and have to have it surgically corrected Friday so last night I find him snooping through my purse and taking my pain meds.....OMG I don't know what to do...
Think baby steps. Get that therapy started for yourself and definitely looki into Al-Anon. Al-Anon may not be for you but give it a shot for a few meetings. If you can get the teenager into Ala-Teen that would be a great start too.
Think of your husband as a mere ghost. He seems to be present but he really isn't. You know you can't count on him for anything real, so you have to learn to live your life as if he's dead and gone. Live your life how YOU want to live it. That's what counseling and Alanon are for. The major life changes that are staring you in the face and causing you terrible anxiety can be tackled eventually and you'll feel a whole lot better when you start working on them.
Like you, I'm stuck with my alcoholic husband for the time being. Any love and sympathy I once had for him has been burned up and I've been emotionally detached from him for years. I'm doing better now and beginning to take charge of my own life - without him. It's a start and we all have to start somewhere. Like any life-changing journey, the first step is the hardest.
I do live ilke that when he's at work b/c I have to. He wroks 2nd shift, 7 days on/7 off. When he's home I kinda expect him to act like a husband but he's usually in the bottle. He thinks just b/c he remembers everything then he's not drunk...but a fifth every time he decides to drink is a huge problem and he remembers things they way HE wants to, not ever realistic. Today he told me that since everyone "hates him", and since he's the problem in our family, not that we don't have many more but we just blame him, then he's just going to get up every day and do what he has to to keep living. My fear is that I've seen the bad times he's had with alcohol, he's very aggressive and has been physical in the past, then he's going to get out of control and someone is going to get hurt. He thinks I should be able to move past those incidents. Yeah right, b/c its so easy to move past seeing him threaten to shoot hisself in the head. And then letting a round go off in our house!!! That was a horrible night I will never forget but he thinks I should 'move on'...
In the ten years we've been together, he's been the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me!!! We can't have a conversation b/c it always urns into the blame game, pointing fingers and we both end up pissed. I'm just at the end of my rope...
The longer this goes on the worse it is going to get. You said he is now taking your pain pills.....Find a different place for them ASAP.
You are wanting him to be someone he isnt capable of being right now. He is still drinking and making a ton of excuses. Right now you need to get into some counseling and get you back. There is nothing you can say or do to change him, all you can do is change you and how you react to the situation. I know this is easier said than done. He is needs to wallow in his own misery and deal with the consequences. You are not his babysitter. Please think about all we have said. You are so worth fighting for~~~sara
Well he talked to a therapist today and finally got us both an appt next Monday. We'll have a standing appt every week from here on if it helps. So we'll see what happens. Its a step for him, and a much needed one for myself. I have hidden my meds and will continue to do so, though I don't think this happened before based on my pill counts. Whatever the case our marriage is in the toilet and he sees that so he's willing to talk to someone who's unbiased and is educated to help. Thanks for all the support and I'll keep you updated!!
Definitely when you said this "he's very aggressive and has been physical in the past, then he's going to get out of control and someone is going to get hurt. He thinks I should be able to move past those incidents. Yeah right, b/c its so easy to move past seeing him threaten to shoot hisself in the head. And then letting a round go off in our house!!! That was a horrible night I will never forget but he thinks I should 'move on'... "
These are very serious warning signs for you to seek a safe place for yourself to think and gain perspective. It is one thing to deal with the emotional aspects of alcoholism and then it is a red flag when physical harm is involved. I had tried counseling with my relationship and I think my alcoholic participated to just keep me pacified which at the time it was all that it did. He went to one or two therapy sessions and then that was it. Excuses came up and appointments were broken.
Keep us posted on what is going on, the best thing you can do is to continue to talk to someone, find a safe place, you don't have to feel scared, even staying with a relative for a week can be a breath of fresh air.
I don't know if this will help at all or just kind of share with you where my own mindset was at the time of dealing with my alcoholic relationship. I felt like I had so much time invested in the relationship and that is why I worked so hard to "keep" it, but looking back all the warning signs of destruction were there, it was just up to me to distinguish when I was going to jump off and venture on my own path.
I felt like I was "responsible" for their life and their happiness, what kind of powerful person was I thinking that I was?? The truth is I can only be responsible for my own happiness and not someone else. They threatened to kill themselves in front of me many times and I had a huge guilt because of this. I then had to realize that no matter how much I tried to help them, they were going to make whatever decision they were going to make. And what is amazing is I have been out of the relationship for over a decade and that person is still alive.
I had to step out of the drama and start looking at the reality of the situation. What helped me and what still helps me to this day in any situation I encounter is when I stop and ask myself, "What advice would I give a friend in the same situation? Would I tell them to leave or would I tell them to stay? Would I tell them they deserved better?"
He needs to "crash and burn" the way my hubby did.
It took him "dieing" in our driveway to finally give that junk up.
( Read my other posts to follow the story lol )
They won't quit drinking until something really bad happens to them to make them want to quit.
In the meantime, you need to follow your heart ( I'm glad I followed mine).
If you love him, stay...if not...leave. None of us can help you make that choice...sad but true.
I sincerely hope that for all of your sakes he keeps up with the help.
As for the "false memories"...my hubby quit drinking a few months ago now, and he still can't believe what any of us tells him about how he acted. Whether it's denial that he could treat us that way, or whether the alcohol induced memories can't be erased...guess we'll never know.
"Love is not worth dying for. Love isn't supposed to bring injury and death. Anyone who waves a loaded gun around in a house is a serious threat to everyone there. He's even a threat to the neighbors depending on the caliber of the weapon. Yes, bullets can go through the walls of a house and into the one next door. When the fists and guns come out it's time to pack up the kids and get out - no matter how much you "love" him or how nice the house is or how much the kids like their school or anything else. Life comes first. What are you going to tell yourself when a bullet goes astray and hits one of the kids? "But I love him?"
Sometimes I don't know if this helps but getting a perspective overall, I watch those Intervention shows. Granted its an hour of summing up someone's addiction and their loved ones, but it helps put things into perspective on how sick things can really get for both sides, the addict and the family of the addict. Jaybay is right, love isn't supposed to put ourselves in harm's way nor our family.
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