Speechless in Seattle

O.K so here it goes, I have been married for 25 years and am married to a man who I have shared a majority of my life in love with, we grew up in the same town alotough he was a few years older than I whenj I reached an age that was not so odd we began dating and have been together ever since....sounds fairytalish right?? wrong he has been an alcohlic since I met him and this I knew and accepted except now it has really taken its toll, we raised two beautiful children together and he calls himself a "functioning alcoholic" because he works and never misses a day and has a very strong work ethic.....but my problem is this from the moment he gets home from work he is drinking beer until he drops in bed.......the weekends whole nother story he awakes saturday morning and pours the token cup of coffee while the beer is opened upstairs (after 25 years a can opening in the bathroom is no suprise to me" although I play the dummy and he continues drinking until the sunday night when he falls into bed. He does NO driving on the weekend as he has already had some beer (which on one hand I appreciate) however he is not a whole lot of help to me.....and then he picks the fight....the taunting and the dredging of the past I am clearly shrinking because of it and he has not been a real good "partnrt"...he is very introverted and will not go to functions we are invited to and I am polar opposite I like to get out and dance and visit etc......I am at a crossroads as the kids grow and are starting to move out I am fearful for the two of us alone, I am already getting depressed as the kids and I have been very close and other than needing a hobby I need ideas of things we can do together to try to rekindle to see if a spark ignites.....help me anyone who might know of thins we can do to bring back that flame and enjoy each other again without that 12 ounce can sitting between us...PLease ideas, I do love this man I just can not compete with Bedweiser anymore......Thanks to all who read

[allmymarbles]

He has had the problem for such a long time, and that makes it worse. I presume you have tried to bring him to a counselor or AA. Does he have friends? Are they also alcoholics? Who around you has influence on him? His family? His children? And what is his general nature.

A little more information might help.

[chriscross1964]

Allmymarbles,

Thanks for the intrerest I appreciate it....I have tried the whole AA thing I went to Alanon for my own well being and as far as his influences he really has none he has old friends but he really spends alot of his drinking time )most of the time) alone.....he has a problem with AA I think because when he did finally agree to go once it hit so close to home it scared him and Im not sure if that was it, I am just assuming because I never saw him that particular shade of gray before so I think it was becoming real so I really wish he would have gripped it a little better I do have faith in him......

[allmymarbles]

He sounds like a very withdrawn person and hard to reach. Some things to think about: (1) Often alcoholics are seriously malnourished. This would affect not only their health but their mental well-being. Does he have a good diet? Note that alcoholics are lacking in vitamin B1. Give him B1 supplements. (2) He might be suffering from depression. If this is the case, some help with anti-despressants might be in order (although going that route you have to be careful). Discuss his problem with a doctor. Maybe see the doctor the first time without him.

There is an answer somewhere. Don't lose hope.

[littlebit667]

I have been married 35 years to an alcoholic.  I am his only friend and only resource.  We discovered 15 years ago he was bipolar.  He was drinking to self-medicate.  Men often self-medicate when there is a mental health issue as they tend to ignore symptoms and do not know how to ask for help.  It took me years to get him to a doctor regularly.  He is much better now and only slips occasionally.  I love him, but I can't fix him.  I can only direct him in a direction and hope he take the hint.  I share this to try to say he may have a mental illness that has not been addressed.  Just something to think about.

[katenruss]

I am female and I drink to self medicate....now that i am almost 50.  Eons ago it was to have fun, then it was at the end of the work day, just a couple...then it was ...wow that was a baddddd work day I am gonna drink alot.....or if that wasnt the excuse then it was...I have sooooooooooooo much to do...I dont know where to start....now its just habit and all of the above with little fun part.....then i get upset that im not having fun..but I am a "functioning alcoholic"  LOL....oh yea....i get it now....its basically a cop out.......that phrase works for a little while or a few years, etc.   I crave going out and having a good time but my work ethic prevents that...I also am now a stay at home type....and here is the kicker.......the party girl is now a loner who works approx. 60-70 hours a week...while her longtime boyfriend has discovered crack....and claims he doesnt want to drive under the influence so stays out all night...mmmhmmmm....excuse number 2...well you drink everynight so if i go smoke crack 2-4 times a month and DONT come home for 1-2 nights its no big deal....oh yEAH AND SORRY BABY I SPENT MY WHOLE PAYCHECK.
Its a big deal on so many levels I dont know where to start.......I tried the i wont drink if you wont smoke....it worked for 1-2 months....on both sides.....

I am at a loss.....my point is i am not perfect...but I don't make enough money to make it on my own at this age ....I work my butt off...for 455 a week.  no time to for anything...no child support, no health insurance and inflated rent....I love my kids I love my boyfriend..who is 45 but even I feel like one of those dumb women that just cant see the light and pull the trigger........

for example his going away work party was tonight at a restaurant...I came 2 hours late...and people from his work ...said wow man where is he why is he not here...I of course lied for him and left...changed clothes again and went back to work.....

sigh