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Stupid question

Ok, I have a stupid question and I probably know the answer to this but would like to hear from others and get your opinions.
Most of my marriage (22 years) my husband has had a drinking problem. I finally got tired of it when he had too much to drink and passed out one night and I threatened to leave him with the kids if he didn't get help. That was 13 years ago. Shortly after his dad suddenly died and it really affected him and he came back from the funeral changed. (Yes, his dad was an alcoholic and heavy smoker so died way too young). He admitted he had a problem, signed up for a program to help him, plus AA and quit. He had a couple of slip ups but then remained sober for years.

About 4 years ago he started drinking again and hiding it. He was very careful to never get drunk and took great pains to hide it from me so I never knew, though a few times I wondered and would ask if he had been drinking because his eyes would look funny or I'd smell something on his breath but he always denied it and I trusted him and believed him so took him at his word. He managed to hide this from me for 3 years! We had a lot of stress at that time. He had just retired from the military and started a new job and we had just moved. I know this was stressful but he apparently decided to deal with his stress with drinking again.
I found out because I opened our bank statement one day (which I never usually do) and saw that he had been visiting the local liquor store. I was in shock and wondered if I should  leave or what to do. Since I'm a Christian and take my faith seriously I decided to pray first before talking to him.  My husband came to me a few days later and admitted that he had been drinking for the last 3 years (I had no idea it had been that long!) and he picked up a book I was going to read and said it spoke to him and that he quit drinking right there. I asked him to go to AA and he said he would. He went to 2 meetings, that was it.

But he did seem true to his word that he wasn't drinking.
Then I found some receipts a few months ago showing he was buying Vodka and Gatoraid or Poweraid (guess that's how he was drinking it). I confronted him  and this time he didn't seem to care. That concerned me because always before he seemed contrite or something. Our marriage had been rocky off and on and he seemed to have given up. I asked him if he'd quit again and he said he'd think about it.

I asked him to read this book with me and to give it 30 days and pray for each other. Things seemed better and we were reading the books, etc. I believed that he wasn't drinking because I didn't notice anything.
This eveningn my daughter asked me if her dad had been drinking tonight because she thought she smelled something on his breath. I had just walked in the door from an errand. I went immediatly to him and asked him if he had been drinking today.  At first he tried to avoid my question but then said yes, he had a couple of drinks. I was so upset I had to go for a drive and just spend some time crying and praying before calming down and returning home. I went to him and asked simply "Why?" He said there was no real reason, just that he had a rough week and felt he deserved a few drinks to try to relax. I told him that I thought he was going to quit. I told him that an alcoholic can't even have one drink and why he's not taking this seriously. He didn't seem to have an answer. Neither did he promise to quit again, I noticed.

Here's my stupid question. He does seem to be controlling it. He's been very careful to not get drunk. It does appear that he's just having a few drinks here and there. Is it possible for someone who has had a problem in the past to be able to be able to drink again and not let it get out of control again? I just don't know what to do or think anymore.
I've just got enough  stress in my life right now to deal with this. It does upset and disappoint me because I feel like he's turning to alcohol instead of me or God or even a friend.

I feel like we keep going back to square one and he keeps using excuses and even trying to lie and hide things from me and I just can't deal with this right now. I've said enough to him tonight.
I just don't understand how he can control it so well with just a few drinks now and then and not getting drunk if he's truly an alcoholic?
I don't know what to think anymore. I'm too tired to think. I guess that's why I'm posting here. I need some fresh viewpoints. I'm just too tired and have too much already on my plate to think clearly about all of this right now. I could use some outside thoughts on this. Thanks guys.
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495284_tn?1333897642
I am really sorry to hear you are going thru this April.  Here is my take on it.  Your husband will NEVER be able to control his drinking.  It may seem like he is right now but trust me it isnt happening.  Vodka is the classic try to hide liquor as it doesnt have the strong smell like beer or whiskey.  Until he is ready to deal with the emotional turmoil he has inside himself nothing will change.  He has to be the one to make that decision.  I know for a non addict it is hard to understand how an addicts mind works.  We do choose our drink or drug over family, God, everyone and everything.  We are addicts.  That is no excuse April, it is just what happens.  We have to decide to stop our addict behavior and do whatever it takes to get better.  Drinking is just a symptom of alcoholism.  He has so much more going on inside himself.  Military men are very known to be alcoholics.  My dad was one.  As for you, you have to do whatever it takes to take care of you and your children.  Alanon would be very helpful for you and they have alateen for the kids.  I know your faith is strong and i know how you feel about leaving a marriage but you really need to think about you right now.  Your husband needs to get some help but like i said before he has to be the one who decides he is ready.  Im sure you feel the lack of trust right now and that is okay too.  I hope this has helped you a bit.  It is time for you to take care of you now.  I am here if you need me April~~~~~~~~sara
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203342_tn?1328740807
Thanks Sarah. I just don't understand because he did seem to take it seriously when he quit all those years ago. Now he acts like it's no big deal and that he should be able to have a drink once in awhile. It's as if he forgot everything! I just don't understand why he'd go back when he came so far from this.
And how is he able to be so careful and not get drunk? I didn't realize an alcoholic could control it that well. I just remember how bad my uncle was and it was totally different. I just don't understand any of this. I just feel so lost and sad about this.

I know he's an adult and there's nothing I can do. I've been praying, just got to keep praying and giving this to God, I guess.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Our addict brain tells us we can control it and the minute we get into that thinking this sort of thing will happen.  We build tolerances to substances after awhile and it will take more and more to achieve that "high" stage.  He may not be stumbling around yet.  Not all of us do that but are still alcoholics.  I will be a recovering alcoholic/addict all my life.  This doesnt go away ever.  I can never let my guard down and have "just one" or take "just one pill".  I know you dont understand and it has to be so frustrating and i wish i could tell you it will be ok but i cant do that.  Alanon would really help you understand addiction and how you are affected as i feel family is the one who really gets the brunt of our addiction.  
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203342_tn?1328740807
I tried to talk to him a little last night and again today. He's acting defensive, showing me he's not ready to give it up. :( I just don't get it. He had stopped for so long. Why did he stop caring? I asked him if he didn't see anything wrong with the fact that he's trying to hide this and he said (defensively) "Would you rather me bring it out in the open?" I told him I just didn't understand when he went through all the classes, etc. why he'd start up again. No answer.
Yesterday evening my daughter was the one who smelled the alcohol on his breath. I was out running an errand. She said he had come upstairs (from the basement) and was sweating a little and smelled the alcohol. Not sure I understand why he was sweating but I know he was vacuuming the rug down there. I worry that he's out of shape. My daughter has noticed him breathing heavy twice in the last couple of weeks but I didn't notice anything, even with being more aware now. He does smoke so I don't know if it's that or that he's kind of out of shape. He's not real overweight, just doesn't exercise or anything.
I just don't understand why he doesn't seem to care about his own body, much less what he's doing to us. He doesn't seem to see that it's affecting us.

I tried AlAnon once and wasn't real comfortable but I might try it again, maybe a different one.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Being defensive is so so common.  We are actually ashamed and disgusted with ourselves but our addict mind tells us to blame and be defensive.  We dont have to look at ourselves when we act like that as it usually makes our loved ones mad and then we dont have to be confronted for awhile.  An addict hates that.  I am in no way making excuses for him April, i am just explaining how an addicts mind works.  Sweating is very common for someone who drinks and you can smell it.

He does know how it is affecting the family and that in turns makes him go further into his addiction as we addicts dont know how or wont allow i should say to feel actual feelings.

I hope this helps a bit my friend.  Remember to take it one day at a time and you need to start taking care of April.  I think you will really like her!!!!          sara
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203342_tn?1328740807
I'm not sure I know how to take care of me. I've been so used to taking care of everyone else. You know what it's like being a mother! It's a full time job. I will try, though.

You have helped me see so much, thank you! You're showing me how to see things through his eyes. I think it's sad, so sad that he buries his feelings and won't just share and open up. He's like that with everyone.
I don't know what it will take for him to take this seriously and give it up for good. I just don't know. It helps to hear your story, though, because that gives me hope that you did see the light and turned your life around. I can only pray he will see the light too. I don't know what else to do.
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455167_tn?1259261471
Hi April. I remember when you posted about this a while back. Sara pretty much covered what is going on and why. Its not about caring or willpower. Its just like taking ex lax and using willpower to not use the bathroom. Alcohol is a chemical that has an effect on an alcoholics mind, body and spirit that can not be self regulated. It is a disease in every sense of the word. You can't force him to stop If he doesn't want to, and his chances of staying sober are slim to none If he doesn't adapt to a new way of life, a couple of meetings or trips to rehab won't do it unless he takes action on a regular basis, and continue, just like a diabetic has to take insulin every day. The best thing you can likely do, to help the one you can make a difference to, is yourself, by finding support from alanon. Its natural to be aprehensive at first, but in time, it will give you the insight and ability to cope with the situation, no matter what he decides to do. It will give you tools to deal with things and make you better equipped to interact with him. Learning to take better care of yourself, irregardless of what he's doing, will be worth it. Take care, GM
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203342_tn?1328740807
I think what gets me the most is the lying and deception all these years. He doesn't seem to see it that way but that's what it is. All this time that I thought he had quit, now I'm second guessing myself. Maybe he never did and just said he did. Now I just don't know what to think. See how much this damages a relationship? Every time they lie and try to hide something from you it further damages the relationship. It's very hard for me because lying is one thing I have a hard time with. I've always told my kids to not lie to me no matter what, just to tell the truth and we'll deal with it. I've never lied to my husband and I should get the same respect.
I know there's probably different degrees of severity to alcoholism. My uncle had it so bad that he had to have a drink first thing in the morning or he'd get the shakes. At least I've never seen my husband have it that bad. It's weird, but I almost feel more sorry for the one who has it that bad because it really does seem like they can't control it at that point. Right now he's able to control it to a degree, I guess.
It's not even the drinking, like I said, it's the lying and hiding that gets me the most. I just don't want to keep going through this. It's so hard and so draining. I don't think he gets that.

You guys have helped so much to let me see how they think, etc. I think it also helps  to get this out and talk about it. For so many years I protected him, made excuses for him. I didn't want my family to think badly of him but that made for so many lonely years of keeping this all inside. Now that I'm getting it out more I do feel better but I don't think he likes me talking to him about it. I wonder if he really wants to be left alone? Is that really what he wants?
Sorry, just thinking outloud, I guess, trying to figure things out. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm trying to lean on God and pray. I feel like God's all I really have but even so He is enough. He gives me what I need the more I rely on Him. Don't know what I'd do without Him. I think I would have lost it a long time ago, lol.
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203342_tn?1328740807
So, he drank yesterday when I left him with my 5 year old while I went out running errands with my daughter, then got offended when I said I didn't know if I could trust him alone with my son anymore if he's going to do that every time I go out. That's the second time (that I know of) that he drank while I was gone. He's doing this purposely because he knows I'm gone. He said he only had 3 drinks and didn't seem impaired but I told him it only takes 3 drinks to be impaired to drive, why wouldn't that be the same watching a small child. He was very offended that I'd suggest such a thing and tried to deflect again back on to  me by saying I have a few glasses of wine once in awhile. I said "yes, sometimes I have 1 or 2 (no more than that) glasses of wine but it's not when I'm watching my son." I'm not the one with the problem. I can have an occasional drink and be fine but he wants to live in denial now and act like he's fine too because somehow, some way he's controlling it pretty well right now.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Still praying.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.
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1310582_tn?1273609623
The most abnormal thing for an alcoholic to do, is to not drink.  You might try reading the chapter in the Big Book that is written to the wives.  You can only tolerate so much, don't put yourself in danger.  And just because you don't tolerate his behavior doesn't mean you don't love him, it simply means you wont tolerate it.  As a recovering alcoholic, I learned that my words could not be trusted.  I had to stop saying I wanted to change, and actually do the work.  At this point, your main focus should be on the safety of yourself and your children.  Don't think that "this time will be different", because nothing changes if nothing changes.  Good luck, and may God be with you.
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203342_tn?1328740807
He's never been dangerous or mean when drinking. He does seem to be very careful this time around not to drink too much but the fact that he's still drinking and acting defient about it, like he doesn't care what I think is what bother's me the most. I'm starting to realize the selfishness behind all of this. He's going to do what he wants to do and that means drink and smoke even if it kills him and takes his children's father away from them. He thinks he cares about his family because he does work hard and I suppose he does care to a point but he cares more about himself and what he wants than anything else. He doesn't see it that way but I'm seeing it more and more. I've asked him time and time again to not drink or smoke around my young son and he still is doing it. He doesn't care what I think, I'm seeing that now. I've talked and talked to him and think I might be getting through but the behavior never really changes. He acts like this is the way he is and I should just accept it. I have for 20 plus years but I'm tired. I always held out hope before that he was trying and wanting to change and was drawing closer to God, etc. but then he just goes right back to doing it again. The lies and deception get to me. I've told him that and he doesn't see it as lies and deception. He says he'll drink out in the open then. Again, the defience.
I've asked him to work on our marriage with me, read certain books, go to counseling. I've asked for a little more thoughtfulness, romance. He makes half-hearted attempts and then stops. He never really tries very hard.
When my 18 year old daughter asked him what he was going to do for me for Mother's Day he said "My mother is dead", meaning HIS mother. My daughter bought me a beautiful card but my husband didn't think to get a card with my 5 year old. He did ask if we wanted to go out to lunch and we did do that but it always feels "forced", like it's "expected", like that's what he's "supposed to do". I'm just tired of all of this.
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1310582_tn?1273609623
I am sorry that this is so hard for you.  I can't imagine going through all of that.  I don't have kids, but I do know that from going to meetings, alcoholic parents did some pretty crappy things.  Things that they would never do sober.  The problem with with alcoholism is that his brain is telling him that he HAS to get that next drink, no matter who he has to hurt or what he has to do.  I'm sure you know that he wouldn't think like that when he was sober.
No one can make him change until he's ready, and no one can get him there but himself.  What you can do is make sure you take care of yourself and your kids.  Even though he might not get physically abusive, the emotional toll this takes on your children can be very harmful.  They need to see that you are emotionally stronger than his disease because kids will follow in their parents footsteps.  All too often, kids follow in the alcoholics footsteps because it takes such a hold on home life.  Let them see that it's ok to step away, but help them understand that he is very sick.
I bet you wish there was one magical sentence you could say to make him realize what he's doing and that he needs to get better.  Unfortunately, the only things you can do is keep your side of the street clean, keep praying, and be there for your kids.
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203342_tn?1328740807
Ok, this is weird. I don't know what to think! He DOES seem to be doing very well controling how much or how often he's drinking right now. In fact, I usually can't tell if he's been drinking anymore.
Most of our marriage he drank too much to the point of getting drunk, passing out, or acting just plain stupid.
Many years ago when my oldest was just a toddler I came home from work (I worked nights then) to find him passed out on the couch with my little boy lying next to him. I almost left that night but was pregnant and didn't know where I'd go or what I'd do so I stayed. Sometimes I wished I had left then, if I would have known the pain I'd experience over and over.
But here's the thing. I haven't seen him that drunk in 12 years or so. When I mentioned that time to him once he got angry and said "He was just a dam drunk then." That was years ago when I mentioned that to him. I thought he didn't like me mentioning those times so I tried not to bring stuff up because it really did seem like he'd quit or was doing so much better.

How can he go from drinking almost every night until he passes out to just drinking occasionally and only a little bit to where we can't tell unless we question him? How is he able to control this if he's truly an alcoholic? Could he finally be able to control this better than he did in his younger years? Has he learned to control it better? How is that possible if he's truly an alcoholic? I'm so confused about all of this!!!
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203342_tn?1328740807
I asked him to leave today. I cannot have him drinking while watching our 5 year old son and he's done that the last few times I left him alone with him to go to the store, etc. He's angry and wants to blame me for everything as usual but I cannot live like this anymore. I just pray to God he really turns his life around to the Lord and takes this addiction seriously this time. We shall see. In the meantime I have the Lord and my faith. I know the Lord will see us through this difficult time.
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1310582_tn?1273609623
Although it may be hard to do what you've done, I am very proud of you.  It takes a lot of courage to take that step.  Most of the time people will just continue on in misery, hoping that next time will be different.  Hopefully your family is there to support you.  Stay strong and don't give in.  
A lot of times we don't know what we have until it's gone, we are too sick to see how fortunate we are.  Hopefully he realizes what he needs to do to pull it together.  Just on a side note from a previous post, being an alcoholic isn't determined by how much or how little we drink.  It is when alcohol affects our everyday life and the people around us, and we can't stop, that it is a problem.
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203342_tn?1328740807
We talked last night and it went pretty well. He seemed sorry and said he'd gone to a couple of AA meetings and made an appointment with a counselor. He's made promises before so I'm afraid to have any hope just yet.Still, it seems encouraging so far.
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1310582_tn?1273609623
Sounds good!  Actions speak louder than words, so make sure he sticks with it before you have any change of heart.  I wish you the best and I think you're doing great.
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203342_tn?1328740807
He's back. I hope I didn't make a mistake letting him come back. I don't think he's drinking but he seems to still have some of the same behavior. He seems to act like I'm trying to punish him because I didn't want him back in our bed yet. He doesn't seem to get it that I'm not ready to just go back and act like everything is normal. I don't think I'm punishing him but there's so many confusing thoughts and feelings.
The counselor that he saw recommended a counseling service that offers intensive counseling, 3 to 4 hours for 3 to 5 days. We're waiting to hear back from them to set something up. I'm willing to do this but I keep thinking maybe we should talk but I wouldn't know where to begin. Maybe I should just wait till we see the counselor.
I'm worried that he's just going to go back to the same behavior he's always shown. I just don't know what else I can do but pray and keep praying.
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hi sweetie, it's rainbow from the blood of Jesus community... Small world isn't it? I am a recovering alcoholic, was married to an alcoholic and was raised by an alcoholic! No wonder I became an addictions counselor... Don't have words of advice other than Alanon as people have suggested. Try at least 6 meetings. Preferably a step study or a book study. At least get yourself some Alanon books to give you insight and support. I'm now your new sister in Christ and will fight this battle with you on my knees. The intensive counseling sounds great too. My ex-husband did get sober but has now made a decision that he can just have a few to take the edge off.. It sounds cold but in AA we say "better him than me." That just means that you are the most important person in your world and taking care of you is primary. Then you will be healthy enough to give your five year old what he needs. I don't know the reasons why our Lord allows these circumstances in our lives but I do know as you do that He is present IN them. For me, Alanon was a place where I healed from the effects of alcoholism in my life. It's apparent that you are such a source of encouragement for others. Take a chance and let others be a support to you. You deserve to be happy.
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82861_tn?1333457511
Hey April.  Just checking in to see how you're doing.  We're in the same boat.  :-/

Reading this thread, I can say you are definitely taking on too much responsibility for your husband's alcoholism and recovery.  It's taken me years to finally realize I was doing the same thing.  Nothing I can do will control his intake for him.  Frankly, I'd rather have him drink openly than sneak around, or worse drive to a bar.  God knew what he was doing when I learned I was infertile; thankfully we have no children involved.  I can't control his drinking and right now neither can he.  He is responsible for his own illness and recovery - if he's ever ready to address it.  

Now, it's time for me to deal with my own life that's been put on hold for far too long because I listened to the promises that had no hope of being kept.  Just as it's terribly difficult for the alcoholic to admit the problem and harder still to find help for it, we "enablers" (I hate that word - it's too pop-psychology but I lack a better one) find it difficult to change our own lives and move past the drunks in them.  

We have to remember that substance abusers don't intend to be liars.  The bottle is simply stronger than anything else in life.  I don't inventory the beer supply or bother to smell his breath.  His body odor and behavior advertises his intake easily enough.  My husband loves me dearly, but he can't stop the alcohol alone, and I can't help other than to praise the tiny steps he makes toward sobriety.  It's up to him to go to rehab and do the work, and that's not something he is willing to do right now.  He may NEVER be able to do it.  That's a hard thing to accept.

I'm not waiting for him anymore and I'm done allowing myself to be held hostage.  This Monday evening I'll go to Al-Anon and see how it goes.
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203342_tn?1328740807
JayBay, I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. :( I'm struggling with so many feelings, feelings I feel like I shouldn't even have, like anger, like I don't even like him or want to be with him. I struggle with these as a Christian because I feel like they're wrong and maybe I haven't totally given it all up to God.
I've just had so much hit me this last year, even before then. Lot's of trials and heartache. It's too much to take all in. I'm still trying to deal with helping my daughter and her new baby. I haven't even had much time to process all that's hit me.
It's not just the drinking. That day I asked him to leave I believe he was looking at porn on his computer and I walked in on it. I'm devestated by that. I'm struggling that he not only drank while watching our son but was doing this too. I'm just having a hard time moving forward from any of this.
I think stuff has just gone on too long, you know? We're talking years of him making and breaking promises, sneaking and hiding drinking from me, which now makes me wonder if he's hidden anything else from me and I feel terrible to have those thoughts but I don't know what to think anymore.
He's quit before, even for a long time and started back up behind my back. Why should this time be any different? It's gone on too long, too many times.
Even if he has quit for good this time I just don't know if it's enough. And I don't know how to move forward right now.

I feel like I have no one to really talk to, no one who can really understand. I try to talk to my best friend and that helps but there's only so much she can do but be there to listen to me.

The intensive counseling fell through. They said they have nothing available on that for a long time, they're backed up. (What's that say about our society?! This is a Christian counseling sevice too. :(
We have yet to go to counseling but are scheduled for the 15th of this month for a regular counseling session. Again, just not sure what that will do. We've gone to counseling before and he sits there and agrees with them, etc, and then we go home and nothing changes. I just feel kind of defeated with all of this, I guess.

I know I've got to really give this over to the Lord and I've been so busy and exhausted I haven't even been spending much time with the Lord like I'd like and that only makes things worse.

Rainbow, thanks for the encouraging note. It's always good to meet another sister in Christ and I appreciate your caring.

I don't know what to think about the Al Anon. I tried it and didn't like it. I think I felt like they acted like there was nothing they could do and it almost makes it seem like accepting their drinking, you know? Like they tend to advise not to kick the alcoholic out or pour their drinks down the drain and I just don't agree with that. It seems like I'm accepting things then. It did seem like asking him to leave did help, in that he stopped drinking and I'm pretty sure he's still not drinking but it's not enough. I don't know what will happen but I'm going to try to keep turning to God and praying about all of this. There's nothing else really that I can do.
Thanks everyone for caring! You all take care and God bless you!
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82861_tn?1333457511
April my dear, you are still thinking from the wrong side of the fence.  Nothing that YOU do can or will change your husband's behavior.  I know marriage vows are extremely important to you, but you have to realize that your husband is not capable of honoring his own vows.  He is not capable of loving, honoring, and cherishing you.  HE broke that contract - not you.  HE introduced evil into the marriage and family.  That's a deal breaker in my book.

This is a problem he has had for decades, and it's not going to change any time soon.  No amount of crying, reasoning, lecturing, or arguing can change him until HE is ready to do it.  Until you can accept that you are powerless to force or convince him to change, I fear you will stay in this miserable place and you don't deserve that.  Neither do your children and grandson.  You've booted him out before so you know you can survive it.  IMHO, you need to do it again and stick to your guns.  He will either get real help or he'll eventually die.  His. Problem. Is. No. Longer. Your. Problem.
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It's only you that should ever decide whether to end your marriage. No one has the right to encourage or discourage that choice. All I encourage you to remember is that you do have a choice. Having been  Christian leader for many years, I felt stuck in my marriage. Some Christian organizations won't even let you participate if you've been divorced. So being a Christian I believe adds an extra measure of shame to a already shameful and painful situation. RE: alanon.. a good alanon meeting will teach you boundaries and choicemaking. It should empower you rather than diminish your power. Have you ever heard of New Life Ministries?  Check it out on the web and the radio. There are great Christians there who have written wonderful Christian books addressing addiction, porn, abuse, etc. Lots of wisdom there. I'm a Club New Life Member as I feel the ministry fills a big hole in the church. You are worth all the efforts you take to change your life.
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203342_tn?1328740807
So, we went to our first counseling session. So far, so not so good. He has a lot of defenses still up. I see no real repentance or humility. He still does not act like he's trying to understand where I come from or how I feel. He acts afronted that he still is sleeping on the couch, like I'm punishing him just to be mean instead of seeing it as my trust in him has been shattered, not just from the drinking, hiding and lying but also because he chose to do this while watching our young son and then the porn (which he claims wasn't porn but I don't believe him because of the way he was acting), it kind of was the last straw.
When the counselor asked if he'd be willing to quit drinking to save his marriage he said he's quit and that he's quit many times before and that this last time was not so bad, that he's only had a few drinks here or there. I looked at him in disbelief as my heart sank. I realized he's still not taking this as seriously as he should. He told the counselor he didn't think it was even the drinking because I didn't have a problem with it before (not true!) and that it's only been the last few years I had a problem with it. I cannot even believe this. How can he be so blind? I almost left him so many times. I almost left him 13 years ago and threatened to take the kids and leave if he didn't quit. He did quit at that time, went to the classes the military offered and went to AA. He seemed to be really trying then. I haven't seen that effort since.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to fight with him. It saddens me that things have come to this point. I don't like all the bad feelings. I just want peace.
I'm trying to keep praying but I really need to hear from God soon as to what I should do because I just don't know. I feel so alone in a lot of this.
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203342_tn?1328740807
I may start putting more of my thoughts down in a private journal because I believe he's now reading what I have to say and has accused me (in front of the counselor. Yeah, not in person, he waited to accuse me in front of the counselor) of talking to all my friends and family about this and said I was even going online to talk about this. I explained to the counselor that I was going to a medical site, to the alcohol forum, with a username, where no one knows me, to discuss things, yes, because I needed support and questions answered.
You see, I don't play games, I don't play around. He wants me to keep this all secret, between me and him, and I've done that for years, and probably enabled him, without meaning to, protecting him, but I won't do that anymore. I've only talked to my best friend and one family member (and didn't even tell them everything) plus on here, but he accuses me of talking to everyone about this. I've told the truth, though. I've never lied to him. He can't say the same. I do need people to talk to about this stuff or I'd go crazy! And at least on here I feel like I can talk without anyone judging or knowing my family. I would think he'd understand that.
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Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself (no matter what he says). In AA we have a slogan, "You are as sick as you are secret."
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203342_tn?1328740807
Apparently, he has no problem with still lying to me and keeping things from me. He's been back 2 months and when I asked him if he'd drank since he's been back he hemmed and hawed for awhile, kept asking why I wanted to know. Sigh. He had told me before that he had NOT drank since being back. I can't believe anything anymore. Now he's saying he's drank maybe one or two times since he's been back. Maybe? He doesn't remember? Is everything a lie? My heart dropped in disappointment again because he's not willing to totally quit, even when the counselor told him he should to save his marriage, he's still not willing to even TRY. I could understand more if he was trying and fell a few times but was at least trying. He still thinks he can control this because he's not drinking that MUCH. But he chooses to drink when he knows I'll be gone for awhile
He drinks and smokes and simply does not want to give up either poison. I used to think it just affected him and me but I've really seen how it's affected my kids because my two older kids have tried cigarettes and drinking when they were teens and he didn't even act like he cared. How could he not careiff his kids try this? How can he not see that this is bad?
It's so disappointing to me that he's not willing to make any sacrifices for his family. He keeps choosing what he wants to do. I keep trying to pray and pray for a miracle but I know I can't change him, only God can. I just wish I could see some positive signs here.
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203342_tn?1328740807
Hi Jaybay, I was wondering how you were doing?
Here's the latest with me. We did go to that intensive counseling. It was good and helpful, I think, especially because the counselor went into our past. I feel like I've dealt with a lot of my past and forgiven people but my husband had some issues with his parents, mainly his mother. So, I do think it was good for him.
However, I haven't really noticed any real change. I asked him if he'd be willing to do certain things like maybe the Love Dare book with me. He just doesn't seem to want to do anything.
I found out he bought some vodka again last month and asked him and he denied it again, saying he hadn't drank in some time. We went back to the counselor's and he said he did buy that one bottle but has only had sips from it. He is still acting like he sees no problem with this because he's controlling it. The counselor asked him why drink at all and he said he didn't know, just to relax after work and all. But it all still boils down to he's going to do what he wants to do. I truly see that now. I talked to my husband and told him that I won't bug him about the drinking anymore. I'm done trying to fight this. This isn't my fight. I think I've been trying too long in my own strength anyway. I need to give this all to God again and let God handle him. I've been praying and praying for so long. But I'm going to focus on my own relationship with God for now. I really don't know what else to do.
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