The never ending disease ...

I'm quite aware that some people can't be helped.  They have to want to help themselves first, and since alcoholism is a disease, they usually don't think they need help.  My foster father has emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically abused me during his many intoxicated states.  As I get older, it gets worse.  I've tried attending ALANON and ACOA meetings.  I know programs and organizations that are specifically geared toward things like this will help, but I lose the motivation to continue going.  

I've even gone as far as making multiple appointments with a domestic violence counselor, but I always miss them.  I hate that I'm wasting everyone's time, but I have an understanding of why my parents drink so much.  It makes me feel guilty, but I don't want to get the short end of the stick when I didn't do anything wrong.  

Does this guilt ever go away?  Why are we conditioned to feel as horrible as the alcoholic wants us to feel, even when we know otherwise?  Who is weaker?  The alcoholic for submitting to the bottle?  Or the co-dependent spouse/child/peer?  What about the abused?  Are we weak because it's happened more than once?  

Have you ever wondered how your abuser could ignore the damage he or she did to your body?  

[boogieman]

hi. first of all, you need to take action for your own well being if this is still occurring. there is an abuse forum on here as well that may be helpful. you have a much better understanding of alcoholism than most, which is to your benefit. but as far as the emotional repercussions of abuse (alcohol related or other), the most effective resources are the groups you mentioned and counseling. people often blame themselves for the circumstances of others, even in situations in which there are no accusations. children who experience the divorce of their parents, for example, frequently have feelings of guilt even though they were not the cause. when abuse comes from someone close to us, we are getting a very confused message. love and hate can not coexist in their raw states, but that is often what it seems we are receiving. as far as weakness, this has nothing to do with strength or willpower. this is an illness which affects a person on all levels and those close to them. usually the alcoholic experiences the most pain and guilt (though their actions may not make this easy to recognize), and this perpetuates the vicious cycle as they try to block out these emotions with chemicals, only to create more destruction to themselves and others. getting support is very crucial for those dealing with any chemically dependent and/or abusive person, as they become more likely to abuse substances and other people themselves. in addition to the nurture or "learned" side of chemical dependency, there is also a genetic side which neurology research is presently working to conclusively isolate. i hope this helps and take care,   gm

[hyeyung]

I've never felt like I fit in, and even when I do make it to group, I know that it is good, but I just don't want to be there.  It's very confusing.  I want things to be better and not to dwell on the bad things in my life, but I grew up silenced, and no matter how hard I work on speaking up and trying to take care of myself, I just don't think it's meant to be.  Even if I had "me" time, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  My recent manic episode of depression provided an extremely strenuous urge to commit suicide.  I felt I had lost all of my purpose to the people I needed.  And then they just disposed of me, told me they were better, and that I should die.  

People cannot live independently.  I need a reason to live and it will never be for myself, as sad as that may sound - I don't know if I'll ever find someone or something to live for, but I hope it comes around soon because I'm tired of all this.

[boogieman]

howdy. never say never. sounds like you've been around people that were probably not real friends to begin with. i do understand how you feel, my best (and for a while, only) friend was whatever i could find to put in me to change how i felt. i know today that i'll never get the same feeling i used to sitting alone in the studio or jamming with others and adding a bottle of whiskey or pills into the mix. i'll never feel that good again. but that's ok, because i'll never feel that bad again (as i did when it was gone) either as long as i do what is necessary to remain sober. we're not supposed to feel either way for days, weeks, months or years on end. for me it was heaven or hell, and it's taking me some time to be ok with somewhere in between. one of the most crucial things for anyone who has been scarred by the past, is trying to help others that may share similar experiences. when my own chaos and problems are becoming too much to bear, finding a way to assist someone else will always get me to where i can constructively deal with my own insanity again. but i'm a work in progress and i have to keep at it or else i'll start moving backwards. i guess what i'm trying to convey is that your circumstances and feelings don't have to dictate your present or your future. sometimes it's necessary to do what we need for a while in order to find out what we want.   take care,   gm

[hyeyung]

It's hard to find people you can relate to, even if they've share a similar situation.  My sister and I bonded over the neglect and abuse growing up, but we're not longer close because she's decided to give into my parent's command for them to vicariously live through her.  As a reward, she no longer gets abused, but I do.  If this is the price I have to pay just to be myself and not swayed by what I feel are silly standards, then I have accepted that it's happened and that it's in the past.  As for my future, it's unfortunate that I have to run from the situation, but the best solutions aren't always the prettiest.  

[JasCam]

Have you heard of the Toby Drew books "Getting Them Sober" there is a book geared towards children of alcoholics that you might find of interest. If you want to get an idea of what the books are about or would like further help with people that have been in your shoes and are still sitting where you are
I hope you find this helpful