Alcoholic, Living with an Community
Tired of this rollercoaster
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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Tired of this rollercoaster

It's been 8 1/2 years with the alcoholic in my life, less than a year ago I married him. And now I find myself wondering, what the h*ll was I thinking?!?! I used to call him on his drinking all the time, obsess about it 24/7 to the point I ended up so anxious with major depression and stopped eating. I fought so hard to bring myself back to sanity and here I am again, sinking into the cesspool of self-pity, anxiety and doubt! I see the green-eyed monster in the mirror once again when I see friends who are happily married with beautiful children and I feel I will never have that. Friends who are eagerly planning their weddings when the whole time I was doing the same thing, I wondered, was I doing the right thing? Now we talk about buying a house, having children and I end up doing all the work to make it happen while he drinks his nights away in front of the television and I do my best to ignore him. No one sees his drinking, he doesn't get in trouble for it, he doesn't hit, no one can help me help him, it's my word against his that he's an alcoholic. Yes, I know it's about helping myself, but if we are to ever have a happy marriage he has to get help too! When I think of the $10K my parents so generously spent on our wedding I get sick to my stomach thinking about divorce especially when I knew what I was getting myself into.

During the day (when he is not drinking) he can be wonderful! He goes with me to the grocery store because he knows how much I hate grocery shopping just to make it easier for me. He goes for walks with me and our dogs. He tells me to knock it off (in a nice way) when I complain about my weight or am feeling inadequate in life. He encourages me to get out of the house and get together with family and friends; trying to get him to come with can be another story.

But at night he sits in front of that damn TV with that damn vodka. I can't even be in the same room with him. He won't stay overnight anywhere, I know it's because he has the urge to get home and drink, although he'll adamently deny that. We say he sleeps in a separate room because he snores so loud I can't sleep. Truth be told, he snores so loud because he drinks to intoxication every single night and a long time ago he stopped sleeping with me. Sometimes I think he thought I wouldn't know he was drinking if he slept in a different room, as if I'm that stupid! It hurts so deeply that he won't even sleep next to me. I can't turn over in the night and hug my husband. I don't feel like I have a husband, I feel like I have a roommate.

It makes me mad as h*ll that his father died in his 40s from a stroke that was caused by alcoholism and yet my husband still drinks! He told me he felt like he was having an aneurysm (when in fact it was a sinus infection) and yet he refused to go to the doctor for days and continued to drink! He tells me he feels like his liver and/or kidneys are failing and yet he drinks! He knows the consequences and yet he drinks!

I understand mental health, I know alcoholism is a disease. I have also suffered from mental health issues, but I got help! It's been 6 years of medication and counseling when I need it and yet he has done NOTHING! I am stronger now in many ways, but so scared I will once again be broken. I can't hit that bottom again, I've worked so hard and achieved so much in the last 6 years to let him destroy that. But what do I do?!

I know about Alanon, I've gone to meetings, but felt out of place even unwelcome. I was the young kid, I wasn't married to the alcoholic yet, everyone seemed to think I could and should just walk away. I struggle with the 12 steps because I don't have a strong religious calling, I don't agree with organized religion. And even though the 12 steps says "the higher power of your choosing" there seems to be rather strong religious undertones of a certain kind. Now I worry if I go all they will say is divorce him and I'm planning to have children with him. I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make, but worry I will be.

I'm sorry if this just sounds like a bunch of rambling, but I feel I am falling back into that dark hole. I just need someone to understand, to not judge. I need to feel I am not wasting my life!

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455167_tn?1259261471
hi there. one of the worst things about alcoholism, usually contrary to the alcoholics beliefs, is that it does serious damage to the friends and family that often goes unnoticed by the outsider. it can cause the observer to feel as bad emotionally as the drinker, and almost always it is the person closest to the drinker that gets the worst of it.

a little insight into the psychology of an alcoholic:
if they are not yet a constant drinker, they will likely be very ambitious and supportive during periods of sobriety in an effort to balance out what they plan to do later when they do drink. in a sick way it provides them some self-justification for engaging in what they know is damaging behavior. it's like a reward system except the reward is destructive for all concerned. it can also be viewed as apologizing in advance. this type of thinking is typical and eventually degrades into worse patterns of rationalization such as "well at least i haven't done that" or "i'm not as bad as this" wherein the alcoholic is comparing to and identifying with what they deem to be worse behavior than their own. this usually leads to being around rather unpleasant or less than honorable individuals deemed to be "worse off" to make themselves feel better about their own actions. this comprises just one facet of the disease, there are many others that become apparent as time and the illness progress.

as far as al-anon, i fully understand your concerns. if you felt unwelcome i would suggest a different group. if you were to voice your specific concerns at a meeting, i would expect, from my experience, for you to be welcomed and supported through your trials----not judged. i went to meetings for years and did the exact opposite of what was suggested to me more than once (suggested, never demanded) because i wanted to find out things for myself. i'm stubborn like that and it almost killed me. but there are no absolutes or ultimate authorities in al-anon. it is simply a group of people going through a similar ordeal sharing their experience and support for each other. as far as a higher power, it doesn't have to be jesus, buddah, allah or any other traditional deity. just the group of people in the meeting can be viewed as a power greater than yourself. and it's not a requirement to go through all the steps to get any benefit. having an open mind and some willingness are far more crucial. i too have serious problems with organized religion, i can debate theology with the best of them and usually end up making overly religious folks mad because i have questions they can't answer with anything besides "because ***insert religious text here*** says so." this forum is also a good place for support, but i highly recommend using everything at your disposal, as you are facing a condition deadly as cancer. but so have i and countless others and found a way through it. you can too. take care,   gm
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896355_tn?1254262667
Wow, I just saw a mirror image of my life.  My husband and I had a talk ok so I talked he never says much we too seem to be roommates.  I just told him that I was going to start taking care of myself and planning in case something happened between us, he said "you mean like divorce"  I did not respond but just continued with if something was to happen between us I wanted to be able to take care of me.  I told him that I felt he had a problem with alcohol even though he doesn't think so. He too comes home and sits in front of the TV and drinks until he passes out, I used to try to wake him up and talk him into coming to bed, mark the bottle to see how much he was drinking.  I don't any more, I felt like I was/am going crazy. I have been going to counseling, and taking care of me, if he wants to start taking care of him and our relationship together great we can try that but if not I know I will be ok and I am not crazy!    

He hasn't had a drink in 7 days, but still sits in front of the tv every night.  I figure not all things relate to the alcohol, but with the alcohol other things become habit, so I am giving him some time to see how this pans out.  I will say it is like waiting for the ice to clink in the glass.  I truly wonder if it will change, patience, is needed.  I keep praying, for guidance, because only he can change himself.  I am learning to act rather than react.  I am still putting my ducks in a row so that I will be prepared if I move out, if not I will still have some cash for my own emergencies.  I am still sitting on the fence.  As for wasting my life in some aspects I feel like I am in others not so much.

As for the parents and wedding costs, happiness does not have a dollar attached, I am sure your parents would agree, your happiness is more important.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your encouragement! It's so interesting that you bring up the alcoholic's ability to rationalize themselves out of a paper bag! Having grown up with an alcoholic father, I truly believe that my husband rationalizes his behavior all the time because after all, he is not "as bad" as his father was. Fortunately, he doesn't hang out with anyone "worse" than himself. Sadly, he doesn't seem to have very many friends anymore because of the way he seems to have isolated himself. This makes me sad because when we first started dating he was a very social person, but over the years he has pulled away from just about everyone. Granted we were still in college at that time and I know how hard it can be to keep friendships once everyone leaves that setting, but still, it can be done.

Thank you also for your encouragement about Al-Anon, I have several of their books and also receive the monthly newsletter. Often times, just reading the literature is a great help. I know I need to get back to a meeting, I find all sorts of reasons not to though. It is difficult for me to attend the same meeting every week because of my work schedule, but I need to get past that as an obstacle and just go.

A very interesting thing resulted from my looking for help on the internet. I happened to be using my husband's computer that night, I didn't realize he looks back at the history on his computer before deleting it everyday (something I don't even have the first clue about how to do). He saw that I had looked at 6 or 7 different sites about living with an alcoholic. I could tell something was up as soon as he got home, I can always tell when there's something on his mind that he wants to talk about even if he denies it. So in a round-a-bout way, he said he felt there was something I wanted to talk to him about -- I'll have to say I was very impressed that he was actually willing to bring the topic up himself. He usually will avoid it at all costs. We had a long talk, well I did most the talking, but we were both calm (except for my crying, hard to control that when we talk about this subject) and we didn't start blaming each other et cetera, et cetera. Quite an accomplishment for both of us. I told him that rather than hearing what he was going to do, I wanted to see what he was going to do. So essentially, the ball is in his court, but I am done with begging, pleading etc. He knows the deal, has known for a long time. I'll help him if he asks, but other than that I'm focused on me and being happy with my life. I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much though, we have been down this road before. I'm realistic that he might be "good" for a little while to calm my fears, but without professional help, I know we will very well be in the same position in a few more months. But there's a small part of me that hopes this could be the time he actually acts to make his life better.
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Avatar_f_tn
Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. I know what you mean about "wasting my life." However, sometimes I think that feeling comes more from what I feel others would think if they knew about the drinking -- people who have not been in our shoes. I broke up with my husband 3 years ago (before we were married) and at that time I refused to accept that I had wasted any part of my life -- I still feel that way. Sure, every once in a while that feeling will creep in, but then I remind myself that it is not healthy to feel that way. My husband's drinking has taught me a lot, some bad, but actually a lot good. Because of it, I have become more compassionate toward other people's life situations. Even if the grass looks greener on the other side, we never really know what secrets the neighbors are trying to cover up. A psychologist helped me to see that a long time ago and I try to calm the green-eyed monster with that thought -- not that I want others to be suffering, but that everyone goes through trials and tribulations in life and we may not always know what they are. We after all know all about making things look good on the outside.

As for my parents and the wedding, I know they would support me 100% in any decision that I made. I am very grateful to have such wonderful, caring, accepting parents. Unfortunately, my pride is what often times gets in my own way! And it is my pride that is responsible for that statement, my parents would never hold something like that against me.

Keep helping yourself, we are after all, the only ones we can truly help. And if we don't take care of ourselves, we are of no use to anyone else.
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896355_tn?1254262667
ng 15
Thank you for your words of wisdom, its nice to know that their are others who understand. You have stayed with him for 8 1/2 years do you regret staying?

Boogieman,
Can a realationship survive?  Do they ever realize the pain before everything heads south or will it take losing it all?
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455167_tn?1259261471
howdy. you ladies have all acquired a lot of wisdom and an attitude that so many in this life seek but never find. there is always hope.

as far as a relationship surviving, sometimes it will only after a time of separation. sometimes the relationship must end to save those in it. sometimes there is an epiphany and the parties involved are blessed with a crystal vision of the way out of hell, and they walk through the doorway. but no matter what the outcome, being forewarned and forearmed will help those involved to prepare for it. knowledge is power and so is faith.

as far as pain, the alcoholic experiences the most, but a lot of it is due to guilt over what he has done to others. pain is a constant companion, but also a great motivator. some have to hurt long enough to get mad and fight, but more often they will find that they have been fighting something all along that they can't defeat, will accept and admit it, and they will finally be broken to the point of surrender. this is the turning point for most recovering alcoholics at which we either had to start to accept a new way of life or end it all. at this point, the alcoholic will experience loneliness and remorse like few other people and it is here that preparation can pay off rich dividends. if they are fortunate enough to still have a significant other or even a friend left in this world, and that person is aware of exactly what they are dealing with----from such experiences come emotional bonds stronger than any other. this is a tough road, and a lot of folks don't make it. and of course contingency plans are better than having to execute damage control after the fact. there may come a point at which you have to let go. but i would have to say that each of your husbands are lucky to have you in their lives. take care,   gm
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Avatar_f_tn
No, I do not regret it because if I did that would mean I had gained nothing from our time together and that simply is not true. Here is one of my all time favorite quotes:

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered with time; it is regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable."                                         -Sidney J. Harris

I try my best to live by this motto because it is simply not healthy for us to regret decisions we have made, they are in the past and we cannot change them. The choices we make are not easy, they are not black & white or cut & dry because they involve our emotions, our love for another human being. How can I regret trying to help the person I love most in life? All we can do is live each day as we receive it for it is truly the only time we really have. I know, it is easy to say, but the more you say it, the easier it becomes to live it. Besides we cannot know if we had made a different choice in the past if things would be any different.
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896355_tn?1254262667
Hello All,
The soberity did not last on Thursday after work he said I am having a drink its been a long week. so 11 days and back to 1/2 a fifth a night.  I told him I was frustrated and didn't know what to do or how to handle this.  he said he couldn't understand why I would be frustrated and I should just enjoy life, not get upset over stupid stuff.  He then told me that when ever he is around me he feels like I hate him, really hate him, I explained that I didn't hate him and that I understand that he doesn't plan to drink that much but it happens.  He said nothing else after that.

So my doc put me on some anti depressants Effexor XR, it was ok, but I have had 2 really ugle rages, to the point I am so angry I throw things.  I honestly feel like I am going crazy, which is why I went to the docs and counsling to begin with, oh the counselor says I don't need to come in any more, because it is down to the time I need to make a choice, leave or stay.. OMG  I am so messed up!  I don't know which way is up, what to say, what to do, just nuts.
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Avatar_f_tn
Time to find a new counselor! It should always be a joint decision between you and your counselor on when to end counseling. And there are things you can do to help yourself be happy even when the alcoholic is still in your life. Merely choosing to leave will not all of the sudden make you happy. Have you ever read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty? It is an excellent book that my first psychologist recommended I read -- it's about how our lives get tangled up and messed up in desperately trying to "help" everyone else in our lives while neglecting our own needs and how to stop doing that. It helped me feel like I was not crazy for some of the things I have done and helped me realize just how much I have tried to control others. Recently, I've been thinking of reading it again.

Just a few thoughts on Effexor, I have been on Effexor XR for about 4 years now and am trying to get off of it because I don't want to be taking it if I get pregnant. It has a lot of withdrawal effects (dizziness, nausea, extreme fatigue, headaches etc) and you have to wean yourself off of it if you ever decide you do not need/want to be taking it anymore. I was not aware of this when I was started on the med and just wanted to make sure you know about this. Bouts of rage can be a side effect of Effexor, so worth mentioning to your doctor. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or general practice doctor for your antidepressants? I would recommend a psychiatrist because they truly understand these meds (& depression) better than any general practice doctor. Also remember, it can take several weeks to see a change with antidepressants because they need time to buildup in your system.

Have you ever gone to an Alanon meeting or read any of their literature? If not, look for a chapter in your area, a google search is usually all you need to find one. Everything there is confidential. I find just reading their literature can be a real comfort when things are tough and I'm working on getting myself back to meetings.

Perhaps it is time to really focus on yourself. Perhaps a break from your husband (eg - him moving out) would be beneficial. These are ONLY IDEAS because you are the only one who knows what is best for you and the only one who knows what your breaking point is. But please do not let his drinking destroy your right to a happy life! And there are ways to be happy despite his drinking. Please don't be afraid to look for help elsewhere if your counselor is not able to help you anymore. My bet is she's never dealt with an alcoholic in her life because I have found the best counselors are those who have because they understand how chaotic our lives can be.

Wishing you the best on finding the peace you need and deserve! Keep posting here, we're here to help too!
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896355_tn?1254262667
Thanks for your words of wisdom and support.  I have been to al anon, they do not have one in my town, and they do have AA, go figure.  They have one in a town about 70 miles away, I plan to stop in again and get some more of their literature.

I go back to my dr on Friday for the rages.  I had been taking Celexa at first I noticed a change but then nothing.  I know the withdraw effects fro Effexor are bad, I had been told, flu like only worse.  The things I don't like besides the rages is it is not like other antidepressants in that it is addictive, because once you stop taking it they say you will have to start taking something else.  Some anti depressants you can get your body back to a normal (depends on ones own definition of normal) and not need something everyday.

I am trying to concentrate on myself, and then I feel guilty like I am not trying to make this work or I am being to critical of the drinking thing.  I will order that book though I am sure it will help.
Thanks again! marie
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Avatar_f_tn
I am currently weaning myself off Effexor, I don't know if it is necessarily addictive. I've had some bad withdrawal symptom days, but honestly nothing I can't handle. I haven't made the final step down, I see a psychiatrist about that tomorrow -- I've heard that's the worst. I went through several meds before I ended up on Effexor and it did do what it was supposed to. I think it has worse withdrawal because it affects 3 neurotransmitters in your brain and not just serotonin.

In response to: "I am trying to concentrate on myself, and then I feel guilty like I am not trying to make this work or I am being to critical of the drinking thing" -- get the book over-nighted to you if you have to! I think you will really find it beneficial.

I also recently found out about a new program through Alanon that basically is a way of doing the 12 steps online for those who do not have a meeting nearby. Here's the website for more info: http://www.ola-is.org/

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You can also order alanon literature online from their website. I ordered their monthly magazine and a couple books this way, they are helpful!

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi I'm really sorry about what you are going through with your husband. First off you deserve peace of mind when it comes to his health and so does he he should definitly consider seeing a doctor if he thinks he may have health issues due to his chronic drinking. I hope that life gets better for you 2 and I'll pray for you. God bless and take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
So I talked to the hubby again the other day since it has been about 2 weeks since our last talk (about the alcohol) and I was curious to know what his plan is. He says he feels he drinks to calm his anxiety, which I believe because one time when he tried to stop on his own he had such a horrible panic attack that he went to the ER convinced he was having a heart attack. He thinks if he can get treated for anxiety that he won't need to drink. He also says he won't drink if he is on medications for anxiety because he doesn't want to risk the interactions that can occur with the two. We'll see, I still think he will need treatment for the alcoholism. Right now I am optimistic that he will make that doctor's appointment. We recently had a big scare with his grandfather's health and I think this has once again brought up concerns he has for his own health. As a nurse, some of his health habits terrify me, especially given his family history.

Otherwise things have been going okay. I know I can't control him, but I'm probably not going to let him forget to make that doctor appointment -- he needs it regardless of his drinking; it's been years since his last checkup.
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455167_tn?1259261471
hi. the anxiety is a very common complaint in those with chemical dependency. sometimes it will exist prior to the use of alcohol, but will usually always manifest as a result of continued drinking. there are meds to help with this condition, but care should be exercised in using them as some (benzodiazepines) can be as addictive as the liquor. additionally, the drinking is but a symptom of a greater underlying illness that must be treated to insure long term sobriety. by far the most effective resource for this is alcoholics anonymous. other helpful things include regular exercise, sleeping enough and eating well. many find that the use of sweets, especially chocolate to be beneficial.

of course, if the doctor recommends inpatient detox/treatment, this should not be taken lightly as withdrawal from alcohol can be life-threatening. best wihes to you both,  gm
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Hi there.  Thank you for the information and links, great help.
They cut back my Effexor, he said to cut back for a week, then every other day, thought I might not need anything (Yea!) said to maintain exercise and take care of me.  

I hope that your hubby's doc has some good recommendations for him, are you going with him for his visit?  If not you may want to cal and give them the heads up on his drinking, my doc said most of the time men especially don't give the whole truth especially when it comes to the amount of alcohol.  I do hope he finds some help or is truly open to fixing his issues.  I hope you find some peace in all this.

As for my hubby he is back at it with an increased amount nightly.  He comes home and goes right for the bottle mixes a stiff one and then sits. It is more than ½ a bottle a night now.  Sunday he was drinking out of a shot glass, I am thinking that in his mind he feels he will drink less.  Last night it was a short glass, he mixes with water but it looks pretty straight to me.   His brother told him about a friend who passed away from drinking too much, not liver failure, but alcohol poisoning.  I think it was his brother’s way of trying to get his attention to the amount he drinks but he just blew it off.  He comes to bed about the time I get up for work, 3:30-4:00 am, then has to get up at 5:00, doesn’t make sense but then it’s not me.  My daughter said she didn’t think it would matter if I stayed or left because he is in his own little world.  That is hard to take, but true.

boogieman,  you always have some great wisdom for us, thank you, and thanks for trying to help others through this.
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885762_tn?1244498671
Hi
  It sounds like you are both doing what you need to be doing by taking care of yourselves. It's so hard to do that because when you love someone you can't help but to take care of that person (espicially women). You have been doing this alot longer than I have, we have only been together 2 yrs and he was an alcoholic when we met so I never knew him sober. I had no idea how much he drank at first well until we started living together. He was never mean or hurtfull, nothing like that and I suspose I wouldn't of fallen in love with him if he had been. I didn't say anything about it until it started to affect his health and basically he told me he wouldn't stop drinking for me (that hurt). He was drinking about 3 pints of vodka a day. After one fight about it he said he would try and the next day he tried but because of the amount he drank it was so bad I went and bought a bottle for him, I couldn't stand to see him like that,in so much pain. So that was that he drank and I loved him anyways.
     About 8 months ago some past legal stuff came back to bite him in the *** and he had to go to jail for 2 months, they put him on a court ordered program and he has to test, go to meetings, and counciling for 18 months. He is now just shy of 6 months clean. It is not all roses trust me. I don't even know this person anymore he is withdrawn, unemotional, and completely distant. I find myself sometimes wishing the man I knew before would come back. It's so hard to go through recovery, I had no idea. I truely don't want him to drink again because I would like to have him around, but that's if we make it, and I'm not so sure we will. I thought that when he stopped drinking that everything would be the same but he would be sober and remember it all, not. I was not prepared for the changes that are happening. We are like strangers and I do my best to just hang in there but it's really getting hard not to. I guess becareful what you wish for right.
   As far as the alanon goes I haven't tried that yet but I have been to meetings with him and listening to how other people feel helps me understand more about my bf, because he doesn't talk about his feelings. But there are things in those meetings I don't agree with so I guess I am a bit afraid of going to alanon, even though I know I should.
   Basically I just wanted to let you know that just because they stop drinking it doesn't make things better, in my case it has just about destroyed us. But I would rather him be alive.

Good Luck
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455167_tn?1259261471
hi. you hit on a key point that so many people miss. drinking/using is only a symptom of an underlying condition, and unless that is treated, the individual and those close to them will remain sick. there will almost always be a return to active chemical abuse as well. this is specifically what 12 step meetings and some other therapies address. simply going to meetings will not solve, but rather postpone problems. one has to be proactive about their recovery if they are to be successful. i see what untreated chemical dependency results in on a regular basis---i got a call yesterday about a guy i know who just didn't or couldn't apply the simple principles of recovery. he couldn't deal with life without chemicals or something to replace them anymore. he's going to be buried in the next few days. that's where this road ends for so many, but it does not have to. there is a solution, but it requires action and more action to work. try to apply as much as you can, identify rather than compare, and keep an open mind. this is life and death. take care,   gm
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Good morning all, or afternoon, evening what ever the case may be.
Hubbys Mom came for his birthday this past week, between them they went through 3 large bottles of gin, and whiskey, with one more 3/4 empty, in a week.  Then I find out from his Mom that he barrowed $100.00 to gamble on, I see two addictions.
He is not mean or abusive, he doesn't remember much once he starts drinking.  He passes out in the chair, he says falls asleep.  Last night he passed out, he woke up when he spilled the drink he was holding in his lap , not the first time.  I used to say he falls asleep but to be honest he passes out.  I have started job hunting else where, to break out I am going to have to move I beleive,  I do want to help him, but I too am afraid that he is not the person I married, and being sober doesn't seem to be anything he is concerned with, he is in his own world and I am a passer by just watching through the window.

How you all have a great day!
M
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455167_tn?1259261471
hi there. you really have a positive outlook despite what you're going through and i hope you keep posting to help others. there are others here who read these posts that you can really be giving some hope. in case you don't have them, i'm sending links to some online al-anon stuff. take care,   gm
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The thing about a roller coaster is we can choose to get off whenever we are ready.  I have left the ride and started my own adventure, in taking care of me.  I am still doing counseling, and I still talk to and see my husband.  I have my own space, less drama my husband is a quiet man, it takes a lot to get him riled up, he is not abusive, or agressive so you would think there would not be drama but there is it is the drama I felt in my own mind (the I am crazy), wondering how I could fix this, or help him fix himself, help him see what the drinking is doing to US.  Alas I do not have the power, and know it is something he is going to have to fix.  I moved out almost 2 weeks ago, he has not called me once any contact that we have I have initiated, this also has an effect on my own peace of mind, but I am taking control of me, my feelings, my actions and my future, be it with or without him.  I do love him and wish him well, but I can't fix it for him.
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455167_tn?1259261471
hi. good for you. i know what you're doing is not easy, but it will pay off in the long run. and ya, drama comes in all shapes and sizes---you are definitely improving things by getting away from his. i especially wanted to say you have made a lot of progress, though it may not seem as such at times. you are definitely an asset to this forum and thank you for posting!  gm
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So the hubby was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes today, only 30 years old. He had a fasting blood sugar done at the advice of his eye doctor, with results over 300. I'll give him credit though, he immediately set up a doctor's appointment for today, where he got the diagnosis. His kidneys are good, but liver function values are off and his BP is high. He's on his way to pickup oral meds to control his blood sugars and will have some more testing done in the near future to see how bad his liver is.

I think this could be the one thing that might really help him stop drinking, he knows that he needs to stop because of these medical issues. He watched his dad go through liver disease and ultimately die of a stroke related to his drinking. I know he's scared about all this; he's been worried about it before he even got the diagnosis. I'm encouraged that he's been empowered to do all this on his own; I asked if he wanted me to come to his appointment today and he said no. I just asked him to be honest with the doctor about how much is actually drinking and left it at that. It'll be hard to not keep tabs on him with this though because I'm a nurse, I know what diabetes does to the body. But so does he since a very good friend of his & mine died from complications of diabetes at 30 years old -- this was just 5 years ago. Just thankful we have health insurance, so he can't use that as an excuse to not take care of himself anymore.

As for me, I'm doing okay. Still taking care of myself, I'm actually quite hopeful that I will be okay without my antianxiety/antidepressant medication. I'm almost weaned off and besides having some rough days around the time I decrease my dose each time, I'm actually doing quite well. Got a followup with the psychiatrist next week, I'm just really hoping he doesn't feel the need to lecture me about living with an alcoholic again -- not that he really lectured me, but I left there feeling worse than when I came in. I know what I signed up for when I married him and I made a commitment to him. I really don't need a doctor telling me I need to evaluate what I can/cannot tolerate, duh! I've done that, I know that, I don't need to feel like I'm being judged by someone I just met.

I think that's the hardest thing for me, feeling like other people are judging me for staying with him. As long as I am happy, I can do this. There's no guarantee that any relationship is going to be perfect because no person is perfect. My husband is the one person I can go to when I feel like my world is turning inside out and upside down and know he is not going to judge me. A couple weeks ago I was having a really rough weekend after a med dose decrease and thank god he was there for me to talk to and he didn't judge, he didn't try to fix it, he reassured me that I was not indeed crazy -- that's pretty amazing for anyone let alone an alcoholic with issues of his own. Don't get me wrong, I have my concerns and I know that the day might come that I will have to leave the relationship, but am I so wrong for being hopeful? Or maybe it's just my stubborn nature, I'm just not ready to give up on him or us.

Sorry for rambling, guess there was more on my mind than I thought.
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Good for you!! I am really proud of you for standing up for yourself and making sure you are okay! :) What you have done takes so much strength and courage. I hope that you continue to find the peace that you deserve. Stay strong, it won't be easy, but just remember "one day at a time" -- even if several try to gang up on you at once :)
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Hi there girl.  Maybe this will be his wake up call, I do hope he can find a way back without the alcohol.  You are not crazyy and you stay because you know at this point that is what you want and can handle it.  Kudos to you.  One thing I want you to remeber is you do not have to justify your reasons for staying to anyone.  Stay true to yourself, for the only person we can't fool  (at least for long) is the one looking back at us in the mirror.  Things have a way of working themselves out, all things for a reason.  In these circumstances the decisions will come on there own time, you will make changes and adjustments as you need to.  Be strong and true to yourself!  Take care!
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I'm not sure to whom I am responding, but the whole message stream was a boost to me. I have been living with an alcoholic for 40 years. I didn't realize it when I married him and was in denial until a couple years ago. but a year ago he was diagnosed with fatty liver with ascites;  reversible if he quit drinking, but that hasn't happened. So, I'm trying to enjoy every minute we have left together. He is not abusive or ugly, just does nothing, sits in front of the tv and waits for me to come home from work, has no life. I have received professional counseling and am pursuing my own interests in writing, so I am trying to take care of myself. I know I will probably be a widow before long, and I will miss him, but I know I cannot change him. I keep the faith. . .
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