This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I know they say women pick men that behaves like their father, my father was an alocholic but that's not the reason why I choose this guy. A year ago I meet a man online over xbox. He had gone through a lot of things and had turn to alcohol and drugs, lost his job and were just on a downhill slope. We have been online buddies ever since, I have with my experience from alcohol pushed this guy and bullied him some to get hold of his life and to a certain extent he has. He has fessed up that he knows his issues, so he got a job and has successfully decreased the drinking volume. There is still a long way to go, but he is doing his job good, and he is only drunk a couple of nights a week, the other days he only drinks a few beers, I'd guess just enough to keep the feeling away. Tonight he only had 2 and I told him I was proud of him. Last week we meet for the first time, I was thinking as friends, but he took my hand and ah well.. He is smart, sweet, he has never been an agressive drunk, he is not the type that fools around with a ton of women, and he works hard, all his freetime we have spent playing xbox together so I know this mans life pattern as well as my own.
Of course now, my brain is telling me I am straight out stupid... I am almost 10 years younger (I am 28 he is 36) I have a great carrier in front of me and can get a very good man, ive dated quite a few. Problem is that this man is the first in a long time that has made my heart skip around, cause he is INSANELY charming. but I keep wondering, how smart is it to go down this road..
His bad habits is out in the open between us, and he knows that I take him for who he is, but I do expect improvements. That he will keep on working on it. However it seems that the fact of me taking him for who and what he is is actually helping him, when he only have had 1-2 beers I always tell him how proud I am of him, for which I actually am. I don't even nag him, I mean after all I go into this with wide open eyes.
Just that he have had this habit for a while and he works within resturant, Ive seen it myself due to being an old bartender/waitress they never really come out of it. But he is a great functioning human (as long as he dont go lower), he takes responsibility, smart, sweet, charming.. He has even put himself on a limit, on home only beer and he ONLY goes out after midnight, then he can only drink for 2 hours before he has to go home so he don't have time to drink as much.
but how stupid am I??
Have any woman here been aware of the mans problem when started dating? and still chosen to go down that path? what is your experience? I am coming from a home with a violent drunk as a father that tried to kill me more than once and this guy is FAR from anything of that. He is just goofy when he's drunk.. and this I know for a fact due to spending more time with him drunk and high than sober.
I have dated other guys within the same business due to been within it myself for 10 years and they have been trying to hide it for me and been living in full denial and those guys, as soon as I find out, them I drop as quick as I have could and generally I don't date even guys who just parties a lot. But this one is different... and he feels I am weird, cause I have never been drunk.
So any thoughts, ideas etc is welcome.. cause in my head it's all messed up, logic says one thing, heart another..
If he is in recovery it could be a great relationship. Have you ever thought of going to Alanon? It certainly helps you straighten your thinking out on why we do what we do with alcoholics and ect in our lives. The question is, is he a alcoholic or not? If you go into the relationship do so with eyes wide open.
Having been in 2 alcoholic relationships I would have to say RUN - My ex was in and out of treatment so many times I lost count - the other wouldn't admit he was an alcoholic - guess he thought drinking until drunk every nite was normal - it is - for an alcoholic
but I would also recommend Alanon - for you - wish I had know about it before I got tangled up in the disease
First and foremost I would suggest going to Alanon - for yourself - you have been impacted greatly by your fathers alcoholism. Whether you decide to stay with this person or not Alanon will be a big help to you. As for continuing in this relationship - I can't and won't advise - but I will say - given what I know now - and if I could do it all over again - I would not get into a relationship with someone I knew to be an alcoholic- It is not an easy road.- An alcoholic is an alcoholic - though they can be in different shapes and forms and have different personality traits the truth is the disease progresses every day - Because you see this person as being unlike your father now, you can not say he will remain as he is today. The disease progresses. Alcoholism will consume the person making them only a shell of what you once knew. The alcohol will become the most important thing in their life. The person you start out knowing gets lost in the alcohol.
As I read your post for a second time I noticed the one thing that is so common among those of us in an alcoholic relationship - He and his issues are in the forefront -
Please love yourself enough to at least give Alanon a try - for at least 6 months I would suggest. Take care of yourself - get rid of the "ISM" your dads alcoholism caused you.
Good Luck to you in whatever road you decide take.
RUN like the other poster said to. Believe me, it will only get worse, and worse if he doesn't get counseling. I wish to God everyday that I wouldn't have married a man that drinks. They are very abusive, with me its mental abuse, not physical and I pray that it won't turn to that in the future. My husband was never this bad before we got married. I truly can't stand to be around drunks, even if its just out socializing at a party, or whatever. I deal enough with it on a daily basis, more than I'd like to.
I would never have gotten involved with my boyfriend had I known before that he had a problem. He's in denial. Doesn't believe he has a problem. Quit for 30 days to prove he could but wants to drink on "special occasions" because he can. Or he does know he has a problem but wants to lie to himself and everyone else that he doesn't, because he can't/doesn't want to live without it. Or it's too hard. I don't know. Been through so many lies and broken promises, and the heartache consumes too much of the relationship. If you seriously choose to get involved with him, take it very slow, where you can get out if you can. Once you fall in love, it's HARD. Give up the alcohol if you can, altogether. If he doesn't want to, then that's a choice he's making. If he doesn't, then you run the risk of the drinking progressing into a serious problem and wasting too much time loving someone who is only hurting himself and you. It's not worth it!
Listen to what these people are telling you. You are dealing with someone that will place alcohol above you. Drinking is more important than you or your love. Second, he is lying to you. You are online friends and he is telling you he only drinks sometimes. That some nights he only drinks 1-2 beers. No. That's a lie. My alcoholic can't love me when she is drunk at night, hungove the bext dayr, and there is very few times in between. When she isn't drunk or hungover, she is planning to get drunk. I haven't felt love for 20 plus years. It really stinks.
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