What should I do? I have no one else who will listen...

My mother has been sober for 20 years, has been a substance abuse counselor for a very long time, and has done her best to advocate for me whenever I needed help defending myself. Recently, when I moved back in with her after living with my abusive father. My mother had made some choices that caused my stability to drop from being "normal" to in a constant state of pretty much a panic attack. She relapsed and keeps saying she's trying to get better, she wants to stop. She goes to AA meetings almost everyday, but still drinks. I have seen her drunk 2 times now. I'm 15 years old and I'm being forced to play the role of an adult. I had always been taught ny my mother that alcohol never solved anything, that nothing good would come from it.

The first time I saw one of my parents with a beer I was about 9. The smell haunted me and I couldn't sleep most of the time because I knew that something bad was going to happen. When I saw my mother drunk for the first time, barely able to walk, eyes dialated, I nearly passed out from shock. I hadn't had a panic attack for a while until that happened. I had to look up what to do just so I could make sure she made it through the night.

The second time I saw her drunk was when a "friend" of her's came over to help her because she was depressed. I noticed he had a bottle of Vodka and I knew something had happened. Her eyes dialated once again, her words were slurred, and she barely even knew what she was doing. I had to hide in my room because I was having another panic attack. Her "friend" may have done something that I would have never wanted to even think of while she was in her drunken state.

Durning this past summer, I witnessed the effects of alcohol. My mother's Ex-boyfriend drank and almost overdose on sleep medication. He had a seziure on the floor, and all I could do was cry. My mother now, at the moment of this post, has gone out to buy more alcohol. Today of all days she chose my birthday, she says "Its because I'm an alcoholic. That's what an alcoholic does."

My father has told me how much he hates me and that I was a mistake, so I have no support from him. My own sister can't even look at my mother and is currently staying with friends at the moment. Almost all of my relitives are doing everything they can to help my mother, which means they are sending money and she uses it to buy more of the substance which has plauged us. I havew no friends because I just moved here. We do not own a car, I live on an island so it's hard to get anywhere without a car. We have one phone which my mother uses constantly to communicate with her ex-boyfriend and is constantly arguing with. So I'm left alone.

I'm at the point where I have no idea what to do. Its apperently pointless to help her, so what should I do about myself? I have no where to go, no one who actually cares, and I'm alone. I'm not inrolled in school yet because I just got to my mothers house, and she's been too "busy" to talk to the school.

Please tell me what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know how to keep myself togeather any more and all of this is just making me feel even more worthless then I did at my father's house.

[boogieman]

hi there. i'm sorry you're having to deal with this. you're not a mistake, and you don't deserve this. however this is what comes with the territory, as unfair as it may be. i assume she is no longer employed as a sa counselor. there are some practical things you can do as well as some resources you can utilize. do the folks sending money "to help" realize what is going on? are any of these relatives in a position to get you out of there? and do you have contact or know any of the folks where you are from either aa or even where your mom was working as a sa counselor? please advise what you can and hang in there. and happy birthday!   take care, gm

[tara1414]

Hi, and happy birthday.  I grew up around alcoholism, I am a recovering alcoholic, and I am married to a recovering alcoholic. This is a family disease and there is alot of help out there for it. I also wanted to say that you were not a mistake, and I do not know what your faith is, But if you beleive in God, then pray to him.