Alcoholic, Living with an Community
What to do
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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What to do

My husband is an alcoholic and hes still in denial he doesnt drink evertday but if i alliow him he will he also drinks behind  my back he doesnt want to go counselling.i tried everything to help him he alwys blames me for drinking im really tired i can support myself and my child but i dont have the courage to divorce him please advice me how can i make him understand that he needs a dr or what can i do
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Lilaflower --

   Hello there! I was once exactly where you are. The thing about alcoholism is that it isn't unique. The behavior is pretty much all the same... along with the blaming and excuses. The last thing the alcoholic wants to do is take responsibility for their behavior. It's easier to point a finger at everything and everyone else unfortunately. The important thing is NOT to accept the blame for the choices he is making. Don't let him wear you down and take away your sense of self!
   I'm sorry to say that you cannot MAKE him do anything. The more you try the more uncontrollable your living situation will become ... the angrier he will get. You mentioned that you were not ready to take your child and leave. In that case you need to start taking care of YOU. It would be a positive thing if you began going to Al Anon meetings, which is for anyone coping with an alcoholic in their lifes. It's a support group for just you! Many of the daytime meetings have free childcare, since children are not allowed in the meetings themselves.
   I went to Al Anon for years ... something that empowered me to realize that my husbands drinking and pot smoking was never my fault. It was something he had done before he met me and just continued ... and got worse. It always gets worse.The meetings I went to strengthened me ... even my husband would ask what was, 'going on' with me. For one thing, I was not buried with guilt anymore. I refused to be the reason he used, which of course I wasn't! I also went to AA meetings because I liked to be around recovering alcoholics because once they get clean for a long time, they are wonderful people to talk too and get so much information from! They will tell you that recovery never ends ... it goes on for the remainder of their lifes. They must 'work their program' in order to stay clean and sober. They can never drink again, it's that simple.
   You need to 'work' the Al Anon program as well, something that is just for you! If you look it up in the yellow pages and call - they will give you locations in your area to attend. I can't suggest this strongly enough. Also, you will want to bring some cash in order to purchase an O.D.A.T. book - 'One Day at a Time.' Alcoholics have their own book as well, but this one is for friends and families of those that use. I can't stress how important it is for you to get the understanding and support you need! Sometimes (only sometimes) the alcoholic will see the changes in their family/spouses and will choose to get sober. However, that cannot be the reason that you attend the meetings. It must be to take care of yourself, and through you, your child. You may wish to attend meetings and not talk - not right away. That is fine, you only have to speak if and when you want too!
   My heart goes out to you Lila. I know what you are going through and how it feels. Although I made the choice to leave my husband many years ago and he remarried a woman that he claimed was his best friend and that he no longer drank. He lied. He never stopped and he put that poor woman through hell as well. It is sad that he never sobered up. In fact he passed away in recent years because he had abused his body beyond help. It is always sad when someone just wears away as he did. He was still a young man but his body could no longer cope with the abuse the drinking placed on his heart.
   I can only say that I am glad that I stopped accepting both the guilt and the physical abuse he put me through ... and our girls. I can only hope that you will reach out for help and take care of yourself! Feel free to message me any time you would like! God Bless ....
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495284_tn?1333897642
Your husband has to be the one to make the decision to stop.  You cant do that for him.  All you can do is take care of yourself.  Is he in control of the finances?  Have you thought about going to Alanon or a counselor?  It is very common for the addict to blame others as it takes the spotlight off them.  
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3060903_tn?1398568723
It's hard for kids to live with an alcoholic parent. Many times the experience ends in tragedy for the child. If there's even a chance of your child being harmed in the following way, it's it worth getting him/her out of there? Plus, the chances of your child becoming alcoholic themselves is higher than with non-alcoholic parents.  You're the only one in shape right now to look outside the box and really see the pros and cons. Al-anon support will help you to make the final decision to move on. I wish the very best in your recovery from your husband's alcoholism.

This is part of an article written about children of alcoholics.

The act of self injury serves to release the pressure of overwhelming emotion/s that, in all likelihood, a person has been taught to suppress early in life. These are people who oftentimes grew up in an environment where certain thoughts or feelings were not permitted and the expressions of such were treated as an offense and met with punishment. A majority of self injurers report experiences with sexual, emotional or physical abuse which go hand in hand with their reports of eating disorders, depression and suicidal tendencies; and it is a frightening commonality for these sufferers to have at least one alcoholic parent present during childhood.


by Danielle Chapman
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3060903_tn?1398568723
please advice me how can i make him understand that he needs a dr or what can i do

In answer to your question, most alcoholics will only get better when they hit their bottom (losing their families). Perhaps you can deal with this (if you can not do so otherwise) by leaving the door open, start off with a year long separation and give him the time to clean himself up, and quit drinking for the family.

Please research loving interventions, instead of just taking off in the middle of the night and giving him no chance to change.

Get an interventionist, and lovingly tell him that you don't want to divorce him, that you value his role of father to your child, and you want to give him a chance to change, a interventionist will be able to fill in all the blanks for you, as to what to say etc. Your drinking has affecting me in the following ways.....etc.

Go to a Alcohol Rehab to get in touch with a Recovery Specialist.

There are two ways to go here, just leave, or try to give him a chance to change and save your marriage. Only you knows which way to go from here.

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