This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
Been married to same woman for 35 years, she has been chronic alcoholic for past ten years but drinking heavily for about 20 years. Bee to rehab five times, at least eight times to detox, getting worse. 21 year old Son has been affected, police been here numerous times, she lies hides the booze, has all classic symptoms of an alcoholic. Checks herself in hotels for weekends when things get tense and drinks all weekend, has been thrown out of hotels numerous occasions. I no doubt have been an enabler by allowing this to continue.
here is my gripe, this has gone way beyond control and I need to get here out of here, when she was gone past two months in rehab, there was peace in the home. I do not like the idea of splitting what I have worked all my life for and then seeing here drink it all away. She doesn't work, hasn't in 28 years and probably wont get a job. She does not deserve half of what I built, if she had been a good wife yes. Seems to me we are the ones that suffer the most since she is drunk always. After this latest rehab the counselors all said get her on three party signature admission for minimum 90 days and it would be easy based on her track record. I hesitate to do this, the one counselor also said if a person has a mindset that doesn't want to get better no program will work. She doesn't seek help from support groups never attended meeting, defiant, defensive and vindictive. Sad that a 57 year old woman has changed so much and I believe for first time she will never change, could be some mental issues considering amount drank and for so long, then throw in Paxil which is consumed during drinking and for some years even Zanax. Any suggestions?
Does your wife drive, and does she drive drunk? Can she be picked up on a DUI to start her feeling the consequences to her drinking?
Is she impaired on the street, can she get picked up for being drunk in public? Again, these are the types of consequences (that helped me to finally hit bottom ) and quit.alcohol since july '99.
I'm really sorry to hear that your 21 year old son is maybe mirroring what he's seen of his mother's addictions and may now be in the cycle of his own addictions? You may not have done what you needed to do for your wife, but you have a chance of helping your son the best way that you can.
The serenity prayer in the program says...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
The courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Maybe you cannot help you wife , but you may be able to help your son?
If your wife is physically aggressive, charge her, and get her into the court system where they will give her another opportunity to get help in treatment or do the time. I did the time for my 3rd DUI. Did it help? It didn't hurt. And as your wife has no career plans , it won't hurt her to have a criminal record. Do what you can, and do what you must.
You've found a place here that you can make friends that fully understand your predicament. It might help you to go to Alanon if you haven't already. It is support group for the families of Alcoholics. Have you ever been to a meeting?
Also, are you able to have your house separated into two apartments? This would help you to not have to live every moment of your wife's self imposed hell, and not have to sell the house. From your status, it looks like you are enjoying your home and that should not change. I'm glad to hear you've got golfing and gardening in your life. I too love my garden and back yard. Is there any other hobby you might like to get into.that would get you away from your wife? Like camping or traveling? If you are separated in the home, you will not feel obligated to look after her when she's sick for instance. (which is enabling to her, that's if you do this).
Do you have other children? One thing that you can do, is to insist that your son does get help for himself, that would include a rehab where you could be involved in the Family Program, where you can support him and let him know that his mother's being enabled while he was growing up was wrong, and that you'll do anything to help him going forward. It's a fact that children often are affected negatively by a parent abusing drugs or alcohol, and often never get the support of a parent to try to help them by being honest about this fact. (I was one). So it would go a long way in your son's life for you to be open to being honest about this.The problem i see looming, is that if your son is in active addiction, he would be harmed to have $$ left to him when you and your wife pass (among all the other things he's be missing out on.)
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