Why will alcoholics not tolerate the same abuse that they give their partners?

[Feline62]

My alcoholic said some very insulting things to me about my physical appearance while he was drunk.  He doesn't remember saying them, but is very hurt when I respond to the insulting comments with my own insulting comments when he is sober.

What is the logic in this? Do Alcoholics feel like they have some type of "free pass?"  Do they actually think that they deserve this free pass?  How can they feel so hurt when they have hurt the ones who do the most for them over several years?

Please help.  I don't understand why alcoholics will not tolerate the same treatment that they dish out to others.  Why is it that they say that "people have never done anything for them," when their loved ones have sacrificed their sanity, health, and financial situation for them?

[tschock]

I know the feeling. My hubby says nasty things when he's drunk and then the next day when I confront him he claims he didn't say it. So one night I grabbed an old cassette player and recorded EVERY word he said. I played it back for him the next day when he was sober...he got MAD at ME!!! Like it was my fault or something.
He said "ya,ok...I guess I said that,but why do you have to play that to show me? That's rude and very hurtful."
So I asked him: " Now just how do you think I felt when you said those things to me last night?!!!?"
He didn't seem to care. He just wanted me to get rid of the tape.
Now every time he gets drunk and starts to say things I tell him "I ought to record that."
And then in the morning I'll say "you were pretty rude last night...I should have recorded what you said." and he'll just say: "Ya ya...whatever...."
I don't know why they do these things...and most of the time they use the drunkeness as an excuse to say stuff. I think that's exactly what it is...they seem to think :
"I can do and say as I please,and then the next day I'll just say that it was the booze that made me do/say it."

[Feline62]

I think that we answered the question together.  They are alcoholics to begin with so that they can avoid having to take responsibility, shoulder the load, keep things together, and worry about things the way other people do.  I think only that when they stop having enablers will they ever change, and then it will be too late because they have already ruined thier health, reputation, finances, and destroyed those who care about them.

What is so ironic is that they don't even care about what they did to those people who tried to help them.  If they are ruined emotionally, physically, financially, etc. they don't care.  I think that they manipulate people to get what they want, and I don't think that they care about anyone, although they pretend to in order to continue the support.  I don't think that they CAN REALLY CARE, and that is what makes me the maddest.  If they CAN'T Care,  why do they screw up the people who really do?  Why do they try?  How can they pretend so well to care, and why don't they have any conscience?

I guess I will never figure it out.

My problem now is to get over the anger, hurt,  feeling like a fool, repair the damage, and accepting the fact that there are people in the world that can be so heartless but yet pretend they love you.  I had never been exposed to this type of thing before, and I am still having trouble accepting how people can be this way.

I warned my alcoholic that it things kept up, that I would have a nervous breakdown..  I did, got in trouble with sleeping pills and had my drivers license taken away, am unable to work, and bought 2 Smith & Wesson 500 magnum's to blow my brains out, because he took one one away from me.  Before hooking up with him, I had never been in trouble with the law, always worked hard as a CPA

The way things stand, I am the bad one, and he wonders when I am going to return to him  a state away where he visited his mom to help him so that I can help him yet again.  He has not held a permanent job in over 2 years, his mom can afford to support him , and offers him and I expense paid trips to Europe if he straightens oott..  I have been so upset that I haven't worked in over 1 year and 4 months, and have no one to support me.  My house is falling down around me, and I had to spend $3K to get my mom some hearing aids. Neither the drunk or the drunk's mother feel sorry for me, or are concerned about me

He doesn't care about any of this, just says that nothing is wrong with me that I should be able to work.

Also, No Rules Apply to them, except that alcohol rules.

[trekrgirl]

I have been here, alcoholics are selfish and all they see is themselves as they think they are, not what you see.  I know you are asking these questions and wanting answers but really if you have the answers will it help you, the answers won;t fix it, you are down and wondering how a person you love and have care for could treat you like you liek you don't matter like you are mean, uncaring, everything you say to them is a personal attack.  But the hardest question is "How can they pick the bottle (alcohol) oevr me" I have given everything to help and show this person I love them, to be treated this way.  Does any of that ring true?  I am sure it does.  You are here asking questions, so you have some fight left, some desire to hange your life and I mean your life not theirs, you cannot change then and you will be or have been dragged down with them, only you continue to pick them up and make life better for them the time is now for you to pick yourselves up, dust off, give yourself a big bear hug and take a step towards making things better for you.  Faith dig deep, remeber it is NOW about YOU..

Here is a post I found here on Medhelp, it may not give you answers you are looking for but somewhere in it I found some peace.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.
Melody Beattie

They may or may not ever change, but for your own sanity and self worth you need to change your way of thinking and it becomes all about YOU!  Good luck to you both, Trekrgirl, Marie

[trekrgirl]

PS, don't fight with them you can't win, they only see theri side, it will only exhaust you.

[allmymarbles]

What I don't understand is why you are tied up with an alcoholic. You seem to have a rotten relationship in any case. You both hurl insults at each other as though this were a normal way of life. The question is not that he can't take abuse, but that you can.

[Feline62]

Good point.  We both came from very similar dysfunctional families to begin with.  That was the major attraction, we understood each other.

In the beginning I thought that that was a good thing, now I know that it is a very bad thing.

[susanall]

I couldn't help but notice in your earlier post that you wrote " I had never been exposed to this type of thing before, and I am still having trouble accepting how people can be this way.' Yet you posted last that you both grew up in similar dysfunctional families. I grew up with an alcoholic father. I'd seen it all. Before I married my husband, I told him I was not interested in marrying an alcoholic, (like my father.) At the time his drinking was not a problem, but it has since grown to be a big problem. I should have seen it coming, I should have known better. But I came to realize that I didn't want to believe it could, much less would, become an issue. I was in denile about what I knew, because of what I wanted. I had to decide what I was willing to put up with, nothing more, or less. I walk away when he starts on me, and our agreement is, (made in a sober moment) that he will let me go. It works for me.

[Feline62]

My dad never drank a drop, neither did my ex-finance's dad.  My father had sudden uncontrollable rages for no reason at all.  Which, in a way, is worse than growing up with an alcoholic father, at least you can decide not to marry an alcoholic.  But how do you decide not to marry any man?  Which is what I decided for years and years.

As long as I can remember my dad was that way, running us out of house with a shotgun, etc.  I didn't have anything to blame it on, because otherwise he worshipped me and would let me treat him any way I wanted to.   Otherwise, a very loving, caring, responsible, hard working man. He also had no problems with his wife, a perfect angel just like my ex-finance's mother.  He had everything.  But, I think that his mom screwed him up, she didn't drink either, but was a very mean woman.

I think the only reason that i trusted my ex-finance over other men is  because I can identify with him when he was a kid being subjected to the same ourbursts of rage for NO REASON AT ALL, not even alcohol.

Also, my problem is that I wanted to "rescue" my ex-fiance, just like I wanted to rescue my mom, and how I wanted someone to "rescue" me when I was a kid.  My brother has had the same problem with his 2 marriages.