Would you want to know?

I am struggling with telling my mother-in-law about my husband's drinking. I asked my own father if he would want to know if one of his kids had an addiction and he said he would have to think about that. My reasoning is that no one in his family knows about his addiction, he doesn't get into trouble with the law for it and he holds down a full time job, so they have no reason to suspect anything. However, his father died in his early 40s from a stroke that was due to complications of alcoholism. I am concerned that if something happens to him, his mother is going to ask why I never said anything. I could also really use her support. We've been together for 9 years, married for 1 1/2. I never said anything while we were dating because after all I was just the girlfriend, but now that we are married I feel differently. I don't want to cause her pain, but I feel she has a right to know. I'm not sure exactly how I would tell her, she lives over an hour and a half away, but I wouldn't really want to tell her over the phone. I mean, ho do you start that conversation on the phone; hey, how's it going, oh by the way your son is an alcoholic?! I'm curious to know what others think.

[Marylou_II]

Your situation is quite difficult and painful, your mother in law has had her share of suffering while living with an alcoholic and now you are going down the same path but it is also true that you need help in dealing with the issue. I don't know if you have children, kids make a whole lot of difference in a relationship and whatever decisions you may decide to take, though true, kids suffer very much when one of the parents is an alcoholic.

If you do not have children and your husband is not a violent man when he has had a few too many, then your chances are huge to make a difference in your marriage. I can't tell you what to do, all I can is suggest what I would do if I was in your situation. You need counseling with a therapist and go to Al Anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. Living with an alcoholic is terribly painful and your self esteem is swept under the rug. Always remember that alcoholism is not an illness that affects the person who drinks it is a family illness, meaning it affects the whole family. You need to get help for yourself and begin to get stronger so you may be able to handle the situation correctly and make the necessary decisions in order to save your family from disaster.    

When you feel up to it and your self esteem is high again, you will need to decide many things like hiding the boos, don't discuss with him when he is drunk, let him feel how his drinking is hurting you, how he is hurting his health and remind him on what happened to his dad at a very young age. I don't know if he drinks alone or with friends, if with friends they are called enablers. If he drinks alone it is far more dangerous because he may have a personality disorder and what he is truly doing is committing a slow and hurtful suicide.

Once you have been going to Al Anon for a few months and feel better among the other members, talk to the group leader and tell him/her about your mother in law and that you would like to take her to at least a few meetings and ask for his help, thus your mother in law will slowly and painlessly find out what is going on. She could be very helpful with her former husbands drinking problem.  

Once you are over the first part of the program as mentioned, then you can ask for their help on what to do about your husband's drinking problem. They know exactly what you can do and according to law.  

Good luck and regards.

[ng15]

Thank you for sharing your advice. I'm actually doing several of the things you mentioned, I'm getting back into therapy after a break of a few years. I've been to Alanon meetings before and read their literature. That is the one thing I really need to get back to. My job makes it very difficult, however, since I work 12 hour day/night shifts and never have the same schedule each week -- so I could never make the same meeting each week.

My husband drinks alone at home each night. He used to go out with friends when we were in college, but he's lost touch with all but one of them now. I don't think he has a personality disorder though, I think it's more that the alcohol has left him depressed and withdrawn. He used to be a very social person. I am a nurse and am familiar with the personality disorders, he really doesn't fit any of them.

We don't have any children, but both of us would like them, which makes this even more agonizing for me. I've brought up several times how his life seems to be mirroring his father's. He also has diabetes, which complicates things even more. We even had a close friend die at the age of 30 from complications of diabetes and he still can't see the dangerous road he is on. Or rather, he sees it, he just can't/won't take steps to stop it.

I truly believe he has never dealt with his childhood or his father's death. Whenever I ask him questions about either, he usually just says he doesn't remember. I'm not sure that he truly has repressed it or if he just doesn't want to think/talk about it. I have an inclination that his father was abusive. He is not abusive, has never even come close to it in the 9 years we have been together and he used to use this as a defense that he wasn't an alcoholic. I actually don't think his mother or his brother have really dealt with the situation either. At least in public, his mother only seems to see the past with rose colored glasses; although she did open up to me once privately about his attempts at rehab. Sometimes I think by letting her know what is going on it might open a door for some communication and healing.

I do believe he sees/feels what he is doing to himself, but so far the disease is winning. He hasn't to my knowledge drank in the last week since we last talked about it, but he also hasn't done any of the things he said he would do like go back to see his doctor about his diabetes and other health issues. Instead he has thrown himself into his work. So I'm just trying to enjoy the relative calm for as long as it will last this time.

Thanks again for your words!

[Marylou_II]

I am glad you have taken action to safe yourself I can understand that working so hard makes it very difficult for you to make plans with a therapist and ALANON. I will tell you some of my own sufferings with an alcoholic father and how it hurt my mother, siblings and me. My father began drinking when he was around 45 years old I was 18, he began as a beer drinker and as time passed he became a very heavy beer drinker, then he mixed it with rum which is a very bad mix. He was a good decent and educated man and an excellent father but as his drinking became heavier he began to withdraw from us his family, he lost all his friends and his drinking was alone which the doctor told me is the most hurtful and heartbreaking kind of drinking there is. My mother suffered very much with this issue, she got a bad heart problem and then became a diabetic both from emotional issues. My siblings and I never had a drink till this day as we were scared to death to become alcoholics too, the doctor told us that people don’t inherit alcoholism but do inherit the tendency to alcohol reason why we stayed away from it and never even drank a glass of wine.

When I was 21 I had a nervous breakdown as being the oldest I had to look after mom and dad, I had to make sure my siblings did not see any of this as it was heart breaking. I was the one who had to go to AA to get help for my dad and ALANON meetings for myself. I worked for an International Airline in 14 hour night shifts as I asked my boss for it and explained that I needed to be home during the day. I had to take care of my dad and make sure he would not fall and perhaps break his head which did happen when I was 23 years old. After this incident he began to have terrible seizures which got worse as time passed. I had to take a very painful decision to institutionalize dad in an alcoholic detox private clinic, mom did not agree but I did it all the same. As soon as I ended my work shifts I went to see him and did my very best to be nice & convince him to stop drinking, but he was in denial and his therapist said no one could help him unless he wanted the help, that he was severely depressed & if a name could be applied to all this is was a “slow and inconscient suicide”. Two years later he had a severe stroke and I had to hospitalize him. He was in a vegetative state during his last three months, my mother would be with him during the mornings I took over in the early afternoon till it was time to go to work and then my aunt would take over during the night. Those were the longest and most painful months ever he was fed through a tube and was plugged to many machines his liver was not working anymore.  

When the three months were almost over I was there as it was my day off, I talked to his neurologist, all I said was “are you going to cure him?” “How long is he going to be like this?” the doctor we knew asked me to leave the room and four doctors in all stayed with my dad it was around 10am. When they were done around 11am I went back into the room and found my dad had been unplugged from the machines and his feeding tube had been removed. When my mom got there she was very surprised but did not say anything though she looked angrily at me. I went home for a shower, something to eat and around 2pm my aunt called and said my father had passed. I felt very guilty about the 2 questions I asked the doctors, as soon as I got to the hospital I talked to our friend the neurologist and asked him “could he have lived and been cured?” He said NO, he lived 3 hours without the machines which should clear your doubts you are an intelligent woman.

I have had to carry with this guilt till my mother passed in 1991, she never forgave me for my decisions though she did not assume any of the responsibilities and it was me who had to carry the full burden of this terrible situation as I also had to carry the burden of nom’s death.                  

Regarding the fact that your husband perhaps never dealt with his childhood or his father's death those are important topics. If he does not want to talk about it and shields his pain in “I don’t remember” that should give you an excellent clue as to why he is hurting himself. I sincerely don’t know if he has repressed it or if he just doesn't want to think/talk about it, though I believe one goes with the other. His childhood issue could have been repressed and sunk deep in his heart and mind which is very painful for a kid, then as he grew older and in order to cover or kill the memories he began drinking to “forget”. Since you have the inclination to believe his father could have been abusive is there a chance for you to find out what really happened? Perhaps someone in his family could tell you what happened. There is one very difficult situation you may wish to consider, that is to talk to your family in law and try to find out without mentioning your husbands drinking problem, watch them closely and see what their reactions are. You are a trained person you can see more than any untrained person. You can get the much needed clue from that conversation. Don’t ever forget that being an alcoholic is abuse in a kids mind and hurts them very much.  

This is from my own experience: you say your husband is not abusive, has never even come close to it in the 9 years you have been together and he used to use this as a defense that he wasn't an alcoholic. Would you say he has a mild character or that he relates abuse with alcohol or both? When kids live with alcoholic parents they can either become mild or aggressive because they are scared. I became mild until my father passed then I became angry though not violent/aggressive but never with my mother or siblings. I returned to being my old self a few years after mom passed.

Your family in law may have never dealt with the situation, like my family never dealt with it and instead blamed me for whatever. Your mother in law’s attitude is very much like my mother’s; the reason is they are keeping all the pain and guilt inside reason why my mom became so sick from two emotional issues. If you feel strong enough as to take your mother in law’s rose colored glasses away and make her see life as it is, then think of a good plan and address the subject with her to the best of your knowledge. We never know what may happen but the possibility of letting her know what is going on might certainly open a door and a window for communication and healing.

Try to enjoy the relative calm for as long as it lasts but think hard on how you could address the subject with his mother.

God bless you and give you the much needed strength you will need.