This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. He has always enjoyed his beer a lot. I never really saw a problem until we moved out from our roomates and moved in just me and him. He would not be home when I got off work at 11 and I would be calling him and looking for him all night. He would often be at a friend house and be wasted. He did this on numerous occasions. And I did try to do it back to him and it eneded up firing back at me and just making me more upset because he has such a double standard. Recently he has stopped coming home at 4 am or the next day only because I am pregnant. But I am scared he will do it again when the baby is born. Everybody says I should leave him. But now its 100 times harder.
Hi. I empathise with your situation. Been there, done that. Unfortunately, you seem to be doing what many partners of alcoholics do, which is trying to cope, find answers, caring too much, finding excuses and finding reasons to stay together. The reality is, he will continue to drink excessively and act-out with his (probably excessive drinking) friends until you change your own choices in this matter. He needs to know you mean what you say, so first be prepared to do what you say, otherwise it is meaningless.
Your boyfriend has a choice ... to get help and be with you or continue drinking. You also have a choice ... to accept he will continue drinking (and probably get worse) or to leave him until such time as he proves he has stopped.
You do not need this level of stress. It is not good for you - and it certainly is not good for your baby's health, now or in the future.
There is so much help available for people like your boyfriend and all he needs to do is pick up the phone, make an appointment and go to it (with you, so you know he is keeping any promises he might make). If he chooses the drink rather than you and the baby, then there isn't a great deal you can do other than take him out of your life. He needs to take resposibility for his own life and actions. You should support him, but only if he is willing to be supported.
Think of yourself and your baby first - and all others second.
Have you tried to talk to him about it, he may not realize how it makes you feel unless you tell him or if you can't maybe write him a letter... I wouldn't just call it quits without trying to communicate first....
I feel your pain. You feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.
Part of you wants to remain with him because you love him and because you have a baby on the way.
The other part wants to leave him because you doubt he'll " ever grow up" and end his "drinking priorities" way of life.
There are many reasons why we "stick" with these people...
We don't know where we'll go is usually number one.
2)Thinking that our love for them will be enough to make them stop.
3)Thinking that the baby will change his life and make him want to stop.
4)We have no money/aren't sure how to make enough money to support ourselves/children.
So many more reasons than these...we all have stories...we all have decisions that we need to make...and we all find our choices are hard to deal with.
I was (am) in the exact same boat as you.
I decided to stay...I regret that now.
I thought the baby would change things...they did for a very short period of time. When the baby was 2 weeks old I went out shopping for the first time since he was born. I left him at home with daddy. I was gone for about an hour and a half. When I got back the baby was screaming his head off...and daddy was passed out. He hadn't even had a beer yet when I had left. He drank his face off as soon as I walked out the door.
A few months later I tried to go shopping without the baby again...bad mistake! Once again daddy proved to be unfit.
The baby is now 2 1/2 years old...I take him everywhere!
Daddy quit drinking for a very short time (3 months) but only because he was told that he was going to die. He started to feel better so he started drinking and smoking again.
My biggest regret is with every passing day it makes it that much harder to leave.
The little guy loves his daddy...even though daddy rarely spends more than 5 minutes with him. He won't eat or sleep unless daddy is there with him.
If I don't leave soon he's going to grow up thinking it's ok to be drunk all the time, or he'll grow up to resent his dad. Either way, it's very unhealthy for all of us.
I know this because I grew up with an alcoholic father...life sucked...I became a bartender at the age of 7. Dad drank until the day he died...which is what killed him. He did try and stop...he was down to 2 beer a day at the end...but it was too late...damage done.
All the love in the world could and would not stop my dad from drinking.
If I could go back in time to the start of my pregnancy (or before that), I would have saved up some money, taken my name off of everything, and left.
Now I'm struggling to save $20 here and there to hide away.
The credit card companies call and harass me on a daily basis. If I could pay them off I would...but beer is always more important than paying bills. It's also more important than milk, juice, food...you get the picture.
My dh is now hiding money from me. So many times I have found his hiding places...and I've grabbed $20 here and there...I don't see it as stealing, as he denies he has any money...and if he has no money, how can I be stealing it? It must be the money fairy right? lol
He started doing this money hiding thing when I confronted him and told him that it bothers me when the credit card companies call and harass me just so that he can have his beer. Talking to him about money issues actually made things worse.
And at night when he comes in the door...he leaves the beer on the front porch, comes into the house to see where I am, then goes back out to grab the beer to put into his beer fridge. Why? Because he thinks that if I see him carry it in that I'll know that he has money! How stupid is that?
Does he think that I believe that the beer fairy brings him beer? Ugh!
None of us can tell you what to do...and for the most part, I find that no one seems to take well given advice anyway...we generally stick with the drunks in our lives in hopes that they will change.
Tonyb286 gave you some very good advice, but in the end it's your choice.
I know that it's hard, I'm in your shoes.
Good luck to all of us who are too weak to take action.
As the son of an alcoholic do your child and yourself a favor and give him an ultimatum. Give it and be prepared to leave if he does not successfully complete treatment and maintain sobriety. The odds are that he will choose alcohol because thats what they do but at least you and your child will not have to deal with the chaos.
I have just read ur story and the advice you have recieved and im so scared for my family as i seem to be where u are, his drinking is putting me in a place of complete confusion and i feel depressed, isolated and terrified my family wont Last?
I hope things go well plz lets us know x
I think I speak for many that believe when a significant other chooses alcohol above the priorities and needs of both their partner and their family, it's time to leave - because the end result is only ever going to be sadness and disappointment, and potentially, extreme danger for you and your child.
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