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confused

I don't really have a question.  I'm just discouraged and upset.  Some of you may know me ... hi.  My husband drinks.  He has been drinking for many years but I really thought he was mostly a social drinker.  In the past year or so he has just gotten horribly worse.  It's bad.  He is really gone about once a week, sometimes a little more than that.  But I have been off substances for roughly a year, and it's getting increasingly harder for me to deal with my own stuff while he is doing this.   I am trying to function and work and be cool and when he drinks like that, he is really verbally abusive to me.  He says all kinds of things that cut to the quick and gets to my worst self-esteem issues.  Then I end up being alone because we become completely estranged in our own house.  I can't afford to leave even if I wanted to.  For right now I am stuck.  I don't really have any support because my friends don't get it.  Then when he is not drinking he will be so wonderful and kind.  I mean, he will be back to the person I know, not that he is going overboard to try and make it up to me.  He is really great when he is himself.  I don't know.  I guess there is nothing I can really "do."  What do you think?
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Avatar_f_tn
I completely understand everything you are going through. My friends are just tired of hearing me complain and not leave. I get feeling so out of the loop and unwanted everywhere somedays. I cannot afford to leave either. Lately, I'm wondering if I can afford to stay?

The emotional impact the verbal abuse is having on me is sucking the freakin life out of me. I am angry, hurt and confused, feel alone, and tired of dealing with this.

Been thinking of attending al anon meetings locally. I was attending counseling but was difficult with my schedule. So for now I am just finding different things that intrest me and take care of myself. I try to read a lot and I probably shop too much but it makes me happy (at least pacifies me)

I ask myself often "Would I want to be alone, or find someone else and then have other worries?" For 12 yrs now I still have the same answer and iit is that I am obviously content here and if I got with someone new then what? A
At least I know what to expect out of him and that is somewhat comforting? Most do not unerstand me but I don't understand them in some ways either.
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1742220_tn?1331360327
Hi Jenn.  Thank you so much.  It seems like this forum is not so widely or frequently attended as the others.  That is hard waiting for a reply so it was really nice to get yours.

Things are just getting worse and worse here. It seems like this is the worst it’ s ever been, but I don ‘t know.  He is telling me crazy, horrible things and he has stuck with that for five days.  He is not really drinking hard so it makes it worse when he says these things and he’ s not drunk … that is, i guess he really feels that way.

I was thinking of going to a meeting too, but  I’m not sure.

Thanks again for your reply.  I hope you are doing ok!
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1742220_tn?1331360327
Jenn,

I just wanted to let you know I went to an al anon meeting today and it was really good.  You should go.
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Avatar_f_tn
Gald to hear back from you. Since I am not working now due to other medical problems I think I will look for one.

So glad you went. I don't know what kind of things he is saying to you but mine does same thing. I too think he means them. What do I do? Same stuff I guess. Today I am doing okay; better than yesterday.

Mine has been telling me to get out of his life I have too many problems continuously then he's nice etc... What is he saying to you? I know how hurtful it is.

Sometimes I think he is dealing with so many of his own issues mine a re overwhelming and he feels guilty for not being there like he used to be. Whatever you do don't make any decisions in haste or on the emotions we feel. Be smart, you and I have too much to lose. My biggest problem is I don't know when to shut up. So I appreciate the roof over my head for now and make myself unavailale best I can until when and if he comes around.'
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Avatar_m_tn
good afternoon....wanted to reply to your post as it is a fairly accurate description of my situation. i have a mix of scenarios from both of your posts.
one day i finally accepted the fact that i was a statistic....another spouse putting up with nasty bouts of anger from my high functioning alcoholic. they are the worst....think they are immune to the disease because they have managed to get this far without losing it all and ending up on skid row.
i don't think i moved for about two hours. i was stunned to read that the best we non drinkers can do is 'detach with love'.
WTF !!  didn't realize i'd been doing that already for several years.
not much of a future...eh? learn to cope with the ********. ( hope u r not offended)
that's it? that's the almighty suggestion from al-anon....aa...whoever.?
next i became enraged when i read that drinkers like to keep us in a state of agitation or fear to get the focus off of them and the fact that they are wasted again. i now recognize patterns of him starting arguments over the stupidest stuff.  off the wall stuff.
one incident did it for me.
by now i had become a little smarter about avoiding him if his mood was foul. so i'm sitting on the couch one evening and he comes in absolutely dumb drunk.
i am silent...just looking at him....out of nowhere ..
."..WHAT?  got a problem? you got a problem?"
i said  "many...but what are you referencing? "
i realized that he had practiced this confrontation sometime between six beers and shitfaced and apparently thought he knew what my response would be.
but he failed to wait for that response and continued to argue with himself....all horribly slaughtering the english language and slurred!!
i truly did not have a response...as he had never run this gamut before...i was more amused than angry.
i must have had a disinterested look as he continued to rage, to himself,  in this one sided exchange. he then told himself that he didn't have to stand there and listen to himself and slammed the door behind him.
if he heard me laughing he didn't say.
my point is #1 ...laughter is really the best medicine...and#2 ...the longer they drink the more skilled they become at lies,manipulation and separate lives with the drinking buddies.
when he is sober of course he is more civil but we become aware of the desperation they must feel to become numb so as to not feel the pain they inflict upon themselves. they know they're screwing up.
but we do nothing to drive that fact home for whatever reason.
it has been said that if we help them hit bottom they might seek help. manipulative? oh well.
if we continue doing what we have always done....we will always get what we have always got....good grief...i sound like i'm drunk.!  you get the idea ladies...right?  i'm not saying start a war....and forget it if he's drunk...won't remember anyway which really gets my goat.
my time to talk to the guy that used to be my husband is mornings as he has transformed most days before he comes home. so in that window is when i try to be heard about personal boundaries and how he crossed them or some other subject.
sometimes i'm angry about it and other times i'm tired of having to repeat myself concerning an issue.  all you can do is hope it registers...right?
and it isn't gonna kill him to hear what an arse he becomes. i don't tell him in anger but by god i let him know.  i'm under the assumption that he would not want to be seen like that or would not say /do those mean (sometimes hysterically funny) things.
as time passes it seems he cares less. you feel as though your thoughts on the subject don't matter anymore.
my husband was diagnosed with liver damage 6 yrs ago. so the clock is ticking and you are playing the 'must make you understand" game of your life. the disease progresses no matter who you are.
this idea he has that it won't kill him......is my current mission.
it's really the only card you can play at this stage because they will justify the drinking as reward for working or many other thin excuses. they may convince you that their actions are rational.
but there is nothing more to be said about the health risks. this disease follows a course as does the rising sun. the end.
in closing i would like to say there are support groups out there. not my thing.... but the wisdoms learned from their websites is what you heard today.  
we are near retirement and i've only got one shot to convince him to choose another course of self destruction that will let him hang around longer and our insurance still covers!!!!!
i'm thinking bullfighter,  but i'm not sure about the insurance.....
    one day at a time ladies....one day at a time..
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1742220_tn?1331360327
Hi guys ...  sorry I haven't been here lately.  I really appreciate your posts.  

Things are rough.  I feel more unsettled than I ever have with him.  He has been drinking so much, more than usual.  He is off work so I think that is why.  He is now around Day 10 of drinking heavily, though the past three have been better.

Still, I don't know when he will get super drunk.  I'm sure you know the feeling.  And even as he has been this weekend, it's not the best.  Sometimes he is the person I used to know but not for very long.

I have felt more depressed than I've been for a long time.  As I mentioned, I am getting off substances myself ... I have just started a new job which is stressful and weird.  Nothing seems to be going well right now.

Jenn, I don't think you should keep your mouth shut.  I think you should open it more and shout!!!!  but maybe not around him.  Equus I am sorry for your pain.

Yes Jenn, we are sort of bound to stay right now.  For myself, I have been obsessively looking for more and better work, as well as places to rent/move to.  I just don't know.  It is not any fun.

Remember Jenn you have put so much into that relationship.  It is a roof over your head, same for me, but it is rightly earned.

Let's try to be strong and I guess have some faith ... I mean, we should have faith!  and hope.

until later ... Meegan
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