Alcoholic, Living with an Community
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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glad I found this group!

I am married to an alcoholic and he is  super depressed and angers very easily and I get the brunt of all the anger.   I dont know how much longer I can take living with him.   is anyone else going though similar things???
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Yes, alcoholics are rude and sarcastic. I used to drink and I really am a nice person, but when I drank it escalated my problems badly. Everything seemed worse. Its a depressant, and while you drink you think you feel ok, but you can feel up and down like a rollercoaster. Tired always in the morning no matter how much you slept. Swollen, groggy, thirsty and tired. Anger comes easily, because your mind isn't working to think things out properly. Nobody can make you see the light that you need to quit and you get upset thinking its none of anyones business. You are only hurting yourself you think. The problem is you don't want to stop, you are thinking of that next drink. How much fun it is and how it relaxes you and you don't feel you need anyone, it leads to isolation, then you're lonely and sad sometimes and depressed. So you do it over again, hoping for the next good time. After drinking for a long time, your mind starts going, and you can't remember how to do simple things anymore. It gets like you are growing stupid, forgetting what you used to know. Noise can drive your nerves, and people seem to bother you, you quit being happy and it's hard to smile anymore. Then nobody smiles back, it's all an awful place to be. We quit drinking when we read the AA big book, Bill W prayed to GOD to relieve his obsession for alcohol. It worked for us, and we really wanted our lives to change, and had faith that we could be healed. He tells of how to become a better person, accountable, responsible, caring people who can fit back into the world. We have been blessed with a new way of life and can't believe we could have been so idiotic, but we were. It feels good to laugh and smile , care for people happiness and now they smile back.
25 Comments Post a Comment
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I'm an alcoholic, i posted on your other site. I really think you need to check out Alanon online, right away and get some logic from the program for yourself. It may well be that you have to leave, to save your sanity. Do you have a place to go? Do you have children, is there anyone else that could be part of an intervention?  
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Avatar_f_tn
he wants no intervention and has made it very clear he wants to die.  I am at a place in my life of beginning slowly to accept his demise,   although there are those days that I cannot handle watching him do this to himself.  
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5039239_tn?1364028271
I suggest talking to your doctor, hopefully he can help you. What a horrid situation you are in, I'm sorry. Will your husband go to the doctor and get help for his depression and get blood tests. Maybe talk to the suicide help line or crisis line. They may have some ideas. As long as he continues drinking, he will be depressed. Depression will make him want to drink. If he gets sick from drinking, will the emergency ward take him in to detox? Can you get a family member or pastor to come talk to him? Make sure he eats, it will help. Go to an open AA meeting, someone there could have ideas also. Call recovery centres, reach out!! Alcoholism is a disease. Depression is mental health.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you for your concern,  he refuses to see a dr and has signed EMS and Hospital DNRs.   he wants no intervention at all,  
SO, I get to watch him self destruct,   I have asked and asked  for him to get help and he walks away and locks himself in a room,  
I am just worn out from this disease and  need to know that I am not alone in this journey,    Thank you all for your support
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Avatar_m_tn
i am very sorry after reading what you've been going through. It's really hard for you because he's your husband and you can't do nothing about it. But still i wan to suggest you something. Why he drinks? Is he going under some stress or something? If yes, then talk to him about it (i don't know how you going to do this. Take help your families and friends) Don't give him a reason to drink. If he don't have any reason, i suggest you must move on because if he doesn't care how much of a hell he made your life, he don't deserve you. God bless you.
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5039239_tn?1364028271
I am sorry, he sure makes it hard on you. Has he ever told you why he feels this way? Do you really believe he just wants to die, because that is not going to be an easy death. What is he thinking exactly? Why is he doing this to you and your family? I have never heard someone go this far, with the hospital and everything. Lets face it, if he really wanted to not exist, he wouldn't be would he? Is he mentally ill?
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Avatar_f_tn
his answer to why he drinks is always because he enjoys it.   both his parents were alcoholics and died from it too.  after 29 years of marriage,  he decided to have an affair.  I caught him and he admitted that it had been going for quite some time.   I did not get angry, but I was in shock that the man who promised me over and over again that he would never hurt me that way, if fact did!    I told him I would forgive him, but gave him 3 consequences that must be followed and he refused.   I felt that they were fair for both of us.
1, get STD tests,2, get a blood test for Liver and pancreas function, and 3 check into a medical detox.   he refused all.  he will not talk to me anymore about anything that has to do with his drinking.  he did go to an attorney and got a legal separation from me and surprised me with it!  I  am past the grieving the marriage, but it still breaks my heart to watch him destroy himself..  I have told him what an alcoholic looks like(I used to work in ICU and watched many die from it) he did not care..  I am doing my best to move on with my life, but it is a bit difficult as we still live as roommates
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Avatar_m_tn
hmm. You guys don't have kids,do you?
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Yes, that is hard, you love him and probably always will, but living with him and dealing with it everday must be just so horrible. He just seems so uncaring doesn't he. Maybe you could try to live your own life as hard as it is living with him everyday. You gave him all the things to do, and he refused. I would have done the same as you. Try to find some friends out there, and maybe you could spend some time away from home. I always had rotten luck with men, and quit having relationships for many years. I met a man for a friend and, have had a caring loving relationship with him for 2 years. We cleaned up our lives together. Didn't expect that to happen, but he just treats me so good, and with respect, helped me with many things and I fell in love. Never know what is in store for us in life. Gods plans for us. But it makes sense he would want us to be happy, doesn't it? I hope you have some peace from this turmoil, it must be so hard. I'm sorry, and hope things in your own life will get happier, for yourself. You're a good person.
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Avatar_f_tn
no thankfully!! he does have a daughter who he has not seen in about 15 years, he wants nothing to do with her!   she is lucky at this stage!!

Is Sarcasm normal with alcoholism?    he is being exceptionally  sarcastic to me today.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I could leave, but what keeps me here is I have a beautiful parrot I rescued and I must find a place that will allow him to come with me.   my husband is abusive to the parrot so I never leave them alone in the house together unless he is passed out.   he has already broken the poor birds beak once
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Yes, alcoholics are rude and sarcastic. I used to drink and I really am a nice person, but when I drank it escalated my problems badly. Everything seemed worse. Its a depressant, and while you drink you think you feel ok, but you can feel up and down like a rollercoaster. Tired always in the morning no matter how much you slept. Swollen, groggy, thirsty and tired. Anger comes easily, because your mind isn't working to think things out properly. Nobody can make you see the light that you need to quit and you get upset thinking its none of anyones business. You are only hurting yourself you think. The problem is you don't want to stop, you are thinking of that next drink. How much fun it is and how it relaxes you and you don't feel you need anyone, it leads to isolation, then you're lonely and sad sometimes and depressed. So you do it over again, hoping for the next good time. After drinking for a long time, your mind starts going, and you can't remember how to do simple things anymore. It gets like you are growing stupid, forgetting what you used to know. Noise can drive your nerves, and people seem to bother you, you quit being happy and it's hard to smile anymore. Then nobody smiles back, it's all an awful place to be. We quit drinking when we read the AA big book, Bill W prayed to GOD to relieve his obsession for alcohol. It worked for us, and we really wanted our lives to change, and had faith that we could be healed. He tells of how to become a better person, accountable, responsible, caring people who can fit back into the world. We have been blessed with a new way of life and can't believe we could have been so idiotic, but we were. It feels good to laugh and smile , care for people happiness and now they smile back.
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Avatar_f_tn
WOW,  you have just answered so many thoughts that have been going through my mind and have described my husband to a T!   he is experiencing every thing you mentioned.  this will help me in a huge way to adjust how I act around him so I don't set him off.  

Congratulations for being sober and being open to sharing and helping others. I appreciate your insight and might be able to help him a bit more thanks to you!
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Avatar_f_tn
I have another question,  he is not able to sleep for more than about 2-3 hours at a time without drinking  lots of beer.  is this typical?
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He sure sounds a lot like me. I have anxiety issues and can get panic attacks. I can wake up at night for apparently no reason and I wander around now awake. I feel like I need to eat to soothe myself even though not really hungry. The doctor says that's panic attacks in my sleep. The eating is emotional eating. I am not sure what is bothering me really, but if I think through it, something generally bothered me during the day and caused me the problems in my sleep. I believe this is my subconscious mind working in my sleep. My dad does it too, minus the eating. He has recently related his waking up as panic attacks, and just got medication for it. My dad was a binge drinker, never seen him drink as a child, but later found out his violent episodes were when he was drinking. Generally dad was irritable and cranky. couldn't stand noise, even us playing. He could become violent sober also if you didn't listen and or back talked. He stomped around the house aggressively, never really smiled or laughed and we were afraid of him. He worked lots of hours lots and was financially set. He was impossible to talk to until recently. He is facing his problems, says he has panic attacks, claustorphobia also. Fear of snakes also. I do not have phobia's like him. Now I know my dad always had anxiety and that's why he was always so cranky. Lack of coping skills. I went to anxiety meeting once and they said lack of coping skills comes from not being taught as a child how to "properly" cope. Meaning problem family in some way. alcoholism, abuse, etc. His dad was cold and heartless, unloving. Dad quit drinking 20 years ago cold turkey. I used to drink and drinking put me to sleep, but that would be considered passed out. If I drank lots I wouldn't wake up at all. Dangerous, really. Recovery taught me I had problems, resentments, anger, fear, was too consumed with too much working and loads of money it brought. I was in my own world not really caring for things the way I should have. Fear of hurting. Problems do not go away drinking, in fact they get worse because you aren't thinking properly. Now I think things out, the anger is gone, not the problems totally but I Go to AA meetings and study at home and read the bible. I feel peaceful mostly but anxiety is still there, but I am working it all through now sober. It is a much better life not blocking it out with drinking. The more AA meetings I go to the more serenity and understanding I have. I find people in meetings have all been through trauma and now same as me can cope better sober. I would suggest you go to Alanon meetings, to get support for dealing with an alcoholic. Other people like yourself who understand what you go through will be your support system. My mom went, to deal and cope with my drinking. Says it was great and helped her for support and learned so much from other people. you could get a carry bird cage and take your parrot. I am happy I can help you, I do understand being a sober alcoholic. Go to Alanon meeting and let me know how it helped.
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Avatar_m_tn
You explained it a really well. As you were an alcoholic (really happy to know you stopped drinking), no one can describe how a person really thinks and feel after drinking except an ex-alcoholic. I agree with all the points you said.
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Avatar_m_tn
i agree with 17mythsober regarding being sarcastic and being rude. Alcohol completely destroy one's ability to think. An alcoholic person gets irritated very easily from each and every thing around him, whether living and non-living (as you mentioned about your parrot). It's completely normal with any alcoholic person to do such type of behavior.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you for being so open and honest about this,  it is very helpful.   hubby has chosen to stop drinking !  not sure where this idea came from, but it happens often.   he has been with out beer for 2 full days now and has the shakes something terrible.  this weekend will be intense as he probably gives into more drinking and it will be more than usual.   I do get great comfort  from reading my Bible.   I am actually a hospital/hospice chaplain.  I must tell you all that I am very thankful for all the comments and insight you are sharing and am so very thankful I have found you all!
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5039239_tn?1364028271
So glad to hear you believe in GOD, pray for your husbands sobriety. While he is sober get him to pray for his obsession to be lifted. Pray with him for GOD to remove his obsession and give him peace.
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Avatar_f_tn
yes indeed!! I believe in GOD!!  my faith is surly being tested with him and the alcohol.  he is 5 days without beer and nastier than ever!! Not sure what he is up to, but he needs a detox rather than doing it by himself.  Unfortunately, he despises God and the Bible,  I have been praying for him for 30 years.  and I will continue to pray
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Glad you haven't given up on him and still pray for him. You are a good person and your husband is blessed to have you still on his side. Its amazing he has been able to stop drinking for 5 days. Sorry he is so miserable, but he should be detoxed by now. Too bad he wasn't in recovery and learned how to behave . We will continue to pray for him and his sobriety also. Talk to you soon, Judy
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you,  well, he made up for it last night!  40 cans of beer..  he just left the house to get a haircut and will stop and buy 30-60 more cans,  this weekend, like most will be difficult.    thank you for your prayers Judy!  They are much appreciated
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5039239_tn?1364028271
I can't believe someone could actually drink so much. It must make him into a state of insanity. I drank way too much twice, with insane results. The last time was so scary I knew it was time to stop before something bad happened. It is not possible to drink so much and be responsible for anything. Talking to my dad today and he reminded me of my last night drinking and said it wasn't easy for me to quit. Almost 10 months in voluntary recovery. But I did it and they sure taught me a lot. Changed my way of thinking, my belief system, and my attitude. I also had a change in my temperament. I find it so hard to believe now why I ever drank. Absolutely insane to do that to your mind and body. Addiction is horrible. Thank God for the release of my obsession. I pray your husband will see it one day before it's too late. Do you feel safe with him when he's so drunk and do you have an escape plan if you need one. In case he has psychosis from drinking. Take care JUDY
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5039239_tn?1364028271
How are things going with your husband. Is he still drinking 30 beers a day and being abusive to you? How are you coping with everything?
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Avatar_f_tn
his quantity is increasing,  I checked in his room today and he had 90 empty cans and 30 unopened.   this is since Monday and today is Wednesday.  I caught him in a moment of sobriety and shared with him how he is treating my and my parrot so badly when drunk and he apologized,   but then he got drunk and he was back to the same old mental abuse.
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