help

[verngirl]

hi,

I am new to this ...a matter of fact i have never done anything on line like this before, but i need to talk to someone to get suppport and felt that some of you could relate and share some experinces to help me get throught this difficult time.

I am a mother of two who recently left her alcholic boyfriend of almost 5 years...it was a stretch of incredible romantic times this man gave me something no other man has ever given...i new from the beginning that he enjoyed the drink but as time whent by i relized pretty early on that it was a need that was much more important then me. Over all he was good to me except when he was drinking...he never hurt me pysicaly but emotionaly he knew how to hurt... he did the normal alcholic things, dissapear, chat on line with old girlfriends, run away, ignore me, fall asleep, and i did the normal things that a person does when they love an alcholic...I tried to change him...and when i did all hell would break loose it was a consistant pattern thay became heart breaking... I left him for 3 months...during that time he begged for me to come back into his life...he wrote poetry, qouted scripture about forgivness, addmitted to his alcholism (alcoholism), bought me an engagemnet ring and put a amazing addition on his home for me and my family to move into...he even quit drinking...I went back and for 4 months life was good...he was sober, we were in love and better then ever...I thought this man finaly had his drinking under control...he never seemed to go through withdrawl and he focused on preparing our home for me to move in...he even offered to put in my name that way if he screwed up i woulden't feel as though i had given up my home and life for nothing...well almost 6 monts ago now i made the big move...moved in, decorated, and decided to make a life together...3 weeks later he was drinking again and this time after crying and begging to get professional help told me he deserved someone who understood he wasent going to change...he would not quite drinking again! And he was right...this was not the life i wanted , so I moved out the fowlloing day back to my home that thankfuly i had not rented yet and back to my safe life! We have seen each other (except for once out and about) in 6 months...he has however, used every tactect again to try to get me back or hurt me...he has sent horrific text and emails has thrented to sue me for the addition and money he helped me with over the 5 year period...I have moved on am dating a wonderful caring sober guy...but more importantly am very focused on me and my children!  the weird thing is I feel i will always love my alcholic x and can't seem to get over the loss...even though he has caused so much pain I still miss him and worry about him...the guilt of someone who has loved and tried to fix an alcholic...I dream about him constintly and wonder if i will ever get over this very sick love of my life!!!

Help

[trekrgirl]

Hi there and Welcome to the community.  First off you are not alone, most here have been on one side of this or even both sides.  I moved out in June after being married to him for 2 years, we were together before for 2 years I left for the same reason both times, I went back because I wanted to make sure I had exhausted every avenue to help him and fix our relationship.  The hardest thing for me to deal with and I deal daily is that I lost to a bottle of alcohol, if it was another women I could be mad but how can you be mad at the bottle.  He wasn't abusive, in the sense that one thinks abuse but he was neglectful, and underhanded controling, suttle little things, like how much he made, or having my name on the checking accounts, the things that couples share for the betterment of both parties.   Sorry went off there.  

You will get through this, he is just lashing out at you to hurt you because weather he admits it or not he is hurting.  Just keep taking care of you and your family learning to let go is hard.  You should really consider going to  an Alanon meeting.  Give it some time.
trekrgirl.

[Feline62]

I just joined the community because I have been involved with my ex alcoholic fiance for 3 years now and am trying to end the relationship once and for all after several attempts.

When not drinking, this man is the most wonderful, caring, sweet, loving man I have ever met in my life.  He is extremely intelligent, sensitive. He is 38 yrs old and I think he has had a problem since he was 19.

We both came from dysfunctional families and I think that was the major attraction because I could relate to his suffering as a child.  I thought that he just needed someone to really love him, relate to him etc. and he could be the wonderful person that he is when not drinking.

This man has almost destroyed me.  I have not worked in over 1 1/2 years after having a very successful career as a CPA for over 24 years.  I have given everything to him, and received nothing but abuse and selfishness.  Even his mother and his entire family agrees with me.

I have been through countless withdrawals with him, he has been in hospital and doctors tell him he will die if he doesn't stop.  NOTHING WORKS.

I have tried everything, have almost destroyed myself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. and he just wants to know when I am going to come help him again.

He has a very loving mother, and the two of us have tried to help him together for 3 years. The kicker is that his mother has a lot of money and can support him indefinately.  I have no financial support and am totally on my own.  She has manipulated me for 3 yrs to try and help her save him..

You may be co-dependent.  There is a good book by Melody Beattie called "Co Dependent No MOre"

You did not cause this, and no amount of love, support, caring can fix it.  You will only be Destroyed Yourself.

The problem is that a lot of alcoholics are very sweet, sensitive, nice people and they know how to use people this way.  You CANNOT WIN AGANIST THE BOTTLE.

I am trying to AVOID ALL CONTACT with him because he only ***** me back in again, and cares nothing about my problems.  Alcoholics are VERY SELFISH people and usually destroy the people that love them most and they love the most because WE LET THEM.

I know your pain, and feel it everyday.  PLEASE TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF, because he will Destroy you and he will still be the same.  

[Feline62]

How did you ever learn to trust any romantic relationship after this?

Help?

[Feline62]

I would appreciate any support that anyone could give me to help me stay strong and away from this man.

Please see my comment at "does anyone want to vent"

THANK YOU>

[tschock]

Just keep thinking about the bad times! Keep playing those days over and over in your mind. All of the nasty,hurtful things he ever did or said to you...think only of those things. Every time you start to drift off and think of the good things,remind yourself about the bad. After about 2 weeks you will only remember the bad...or at least you will have trained your brain to remember the bad.
I need to get out of my current situation too. I know everyone has heard all of the excuses to stay or go...mine is the old "money" one. lol
I also have an addictive personality...I find myself needing to be in love and loved.
I've tried to go out on my own several times in the past,but find myself with some other guy within a day or two...I just cannot be by myself.
Once I cure that problem then I'll be able to leave here...once I clear up the money issues that is.
We've had a few good bouts in the past while,and I've gotten to the point where I just want to leave and never come back,but I don't know where to go. I have no family that I can stay with,and both this one and my ex husband made it virtually impossible for me to make friends with anyone.
So keep in mind that you are dating a wonderful, non-drinking man...and that if you dump him for your ex...then all you'll ever have is your ex...and more grief.
Hope that helps : )