So im 29 years old and have been married to my husband for 6 years. He has three boys from a previous marriage which we have full custody of and they call me mom because im the mom that pretty much raised them they were 2 4 and 6 now 9 11 and 13 they real mom right now has been on and off drugs and now is pregnant and in rehab. My husband and i have two kids of our own 5 and 3 . i love and adore my husband but from the time he gets home from work till the time he goes to bed he is drinking . he drinks about a 12 to an 18 pk of beer a night. He hardley ever makes it to bed he emotionally abuses me never physically. I feel stuck because i love his kids and i also love him so i dont leave. His kids see him drunk and passes out all the time its sad. If we do anything family wise if its during the day like the beach or something he seats there and drinks while i do everyyhing for the kids. I feel like a maid my side of the family tells me i need to leave and think of just me and my two kids but the three boys i consider mine too and i cant just leave them plus i love my husband. When he doesnt drink he is such a different person ive left to just come back but i am so stressed and depressed i cant take it no more even though i love him he disgust me when he drinks. I have no sexual desire and he is really mad at me accusing me of cheating on him which is not the case . ive talked about it to him but it doesnt seem to get through his head i dont know what else to do
Hey I can relate. I'm currently with a high functioning alcoholic. We are not married but we have a house and 2 kids. We have been together 7 years. He kicked drugs and I thought he could kick drinking. I was wrong. Very wrong. It's been bad for a long time but not it's worse. His classic line is what is it I don't do. He has a job. Car. House. Me. Kids. Family. Pays bills etc. he's very smart and successful but he drinks and drives. Now gambles. Lies. Sneaks booze. If I confront him he says I drive him to drink. Meanwhile he's had problems for 17 years, way before me. I stay because of my kids. I don't want them to be a product of a broken home. I am a stay at home mom and I shelter them from it. If we split or I left I would likely have to share custody and I refuse to ever do that because he's never having them without me because he's not capable of making proper decisions when he has had even one beer and he can't say no to one beer. So what do you do?! Stay or go. It's tough.
First and ForeMost I want to say I'm sorry, very sorry that You both have this dilemma.
That being said,
You need to know that You are not doing justice to Your Children by staying in an alcohoic home. You say, Carm819, that You don't want Your Children to be the "product of a broken home", while reality is: They are living in a "broken" home NOW. We teach Our Children by example how to Parent - We teach Our Children how to be Husbands and Wives by what They see us do.
melissa3167 You say You "love" and "adore" Your Husband and You say You are so "stressed" and "depressed" and He "disgusts" You and You have no "sexual desire for Him". It can't be both ways - You can't (really) love and adore someone who disgusts You. This is not love. Love is a choice, and You should choose to love SomeOne who has more respect for You, for His Children and for HimSelf. Perhaps that person could be Your Husband - IF He chooses recovery. Recovery is also a choice.
I would offer Him an ultimatum: either You and the Children or recovery. I would leave and take the Children (all of Them) out of that environment. I doubt He or the 'other' Mother can show ThemSelves fit (drugs and alcohol)
enough to Parent the other 2 Children.
Carm810: My advice to You is the same. This is a terrible environment for Your Children - coming from a "broken home" is NOT worse than what You describe here. "He drinks and drives", "He gambles", "He lies", "He sneaks booze", "He blames You", "He's not capable of making proper decisions"
You (both) cannot 'save' Your Husbands but You (both) can rescue the Children. Know that denial is a powerful thing and the 'enablers' are as much in denial as is the alcoholic BUT Your Children are dependent on You to do the right thing for Them.
Again, I understand Your dilemma. I also understand it's 'easier said than done' but likely, it's more do - able than You are allowing YourSelf to realize. Your commitment is (and should be) more to Your Children than Your Husband and You must keep them safe. Your Husband has choices, Your Children do not.
As an alcoholic it is not likely that He will have 50% custody of the Children - if He drinks and drives You can ask for supervised visits. Judges and the Courts don't put Children in danger
I'm glad You came here for support and advice but You need to inform (educate) YourSelf further of the rights You have to protect Your Children. This can be done without isolating Them from Their Father (supervised visits) but the courts are there to help You protect Your Children from harm as it's against the law to drink and drive.
Also, as I said before. Children do not grow up in an alcoholic home without being deeply affected. Children learn what They live and They live what They learn - They are learning to make poor choices for ThemSelves. Don't decieve (denial) YourSelf into thinking otherwise. This I know is true.
Also, if You choose to leave and take the Children with You, perhaps He will choose to get sober. This is my hope for You and Your Family - for all of You to be happy and emotionally healthy. That does not happen in an alcoholic home. This too, I know is true.
Thank you for your words. Seems you have a lot of experience. Were you once in an alcoholic home? I recently ordered and received the book Codependent No More. I plan on starting to read it this weekend.
Great news that You have the book Codependent No More. You will gather much knowledge and strength (and courage) as You come to learn more about alcoholics and alcoholism and how it affects the Entire Family - You and Your Children as well. You all become 'sick' in Your own ways. Children do not escape being deeply influenced by it all - and not in a good way. You too, carry the burden of His alcoholism. It's a family 'disease'. (I have my Own thoughts on it being called a 'disease' as I see it as a CHOICE straight down the line, as each and every alcoholic has CHOICE to drink or not to drink - I personally feel it is an ADDICTION as is tobacco and drugs - all three are addictions - and all three are choices)
Yes, I was raised by an alcoholic Mother. She was extremely abusive both physically and emotionally to me. I had 2 (younger) Brothers who She loved and was good to, but They too, suffered for how She treated me. They were helpless to help me and today, as grown Men, They carry pain for what They witnessed me go through. Her drunkeness affected Her parenting with Them as well and They have had emotional issues for Their Own sakes. One of my Brothers turned to drugs and alcohol HimSelf, my Other Brother and I did not but, none the less, we both made poor choices in Our Own marriages, You kinda' sorta' 'learn' to live and accept crisis and chaos in Your own adult life. I married at 15 (to escape my Mother), had my first Baby at 16 and two more by the time I was 19. It was an abusive marriage but I stayed with Him for 15 years. I'm in my 2nd marriage now (for 32 Very Good Years) but my Father stayed with my Mother for 52 years until She died from Her alcoholism and He followed Her in death a year later. It was SO hard to see Their suffering (both of Them) for all those years. It was especially hard to see His pain, His anguish, His unhappiness for all those years. There is SO much more to my story than I am able to put down here and I won't go on any longer but know that I am very encouraged that You are reading "Codempendent No More" - it's a very good start in educating YourSelf. May You find the strength You need to do the right thing for Your ChildRen and YourSelf.
I, too, grew up in a home with an alcoholic. I married very young to an alcoholic, and became one myself. I don't think it would have happened this way if i had not been primed to be in that situation. You do live what you learn. I spent 26 years abusing myself, reliving what went on in my family of origin. The children are the real losers if their family or origin are abusing drugs or alcohol. Children of alcoholics, will have lived with it their entire lives, until they find their own way out.
I'm glad you have chosen to become proactive, reaching out here and looking into reading on the subject.
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