This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
Giving my common-law of almost 5 years the big ultimatum today!
My dad was a chronic alcoholic for at least 30 years...he died recently...drink in hand. He always said that he would quit drinking the day he died. Can't say my dad was a liar. lol
Hubby watched my dad die a very horrible, painful death...he left the hospital eventually to go and buy more beer.
I told him that he was going to be just like my dad and die lonely and miserable, because we wouldn't be there if this doesn't stop soon.
I told him at the hospital that I didn't want to see booze in my house again. It was too horrible to watch my dad die, and seeing booze just made me angry.
He was good about it for about a week while he watched me bawl my eyes out over the loss of my daddy...then he started up again.
I asked him if he wanted his son to go through what I was going through and he started crying and said "of course not".
I told him that his son was going to go through just this if he didn't stop soon.
His drinking is now getting out of hand again, and he was denied life insurance when they sent the nurse to test him.
He is now going into stage 3 of hypertension and his lungs only function at about 30%.
He is going to leave us destitute and majorly in debt because of his actions when he dies.
I found out about ten minutes ago now that I'm pregnant...again...so we are going to have a chat tonight.
I know I can't force him to quit, I've been around alcoholics my entire life, so I know how this goes.
However, unless he decides for himself very soon that he needs to seek help with this...he's out of here.
I think I'll dump my dad's ashes in his lap and tell him to have a good look because he's soon going to look like that.
Anyway, just wondering if I should leave now before this new baby arrives, or should I wait?
i read your previous post on the other forum, i really feel for you, and i am sorry you lost your dad, as an alcoholic in recovery, i would say , go as soon as you can, its hard but ultimitums dont really sink in much with addicts, its actions , he has to reach his lowest ever point, (rock bottom), and whilst you are there for him , he may not do that, so my advice is to just go, he really has to want to stop for himself, as you probably know, and he has to find that out on his own, i think your older children have also had enough, this new baby doesnt need an alcoholic dad, best wishes, sudie
You are so right sudie58.
When I met him he was at rock bottom...literally. He was smoking crack ( took me almost a year to figure that out)but he wasn't drinking much.
He had lost his gf of five years and it drove him over the edge.
When I came into his life he said it was the best thing that had ever happened to him...gave me the whole spiel about thinking that he would never find love again, etc.
A year into the relationship he told me that he desperately wanted a child of his own...his ex kept having abortions behind his back, and he knew that I loved kids.
I told him that he would have to clean up his act or no baby. I told him that if I got pregnant that the drugs/booze could affect the fetus. We went to the UofA and they sat him down and told him that it was true...that it's not just the mother that has to drink/do drugs in order for it to be passed onto the fetus.
He quit the crack and a year and a half after that he stopped drinking... I got pregnant. He had stopped drinking for 6 months until that brother of his "helped" him.
He's been doing fairly well the past few years...some nights he wouldn't drink and some he would have 2 or 3...when he saw my dad die he started drinking heavy again...about 5 or 6 a night.
I know some people don't consider that a problem, but he's 125 lbs and allergic to hops or something. He turns into an *** after 3...he knows everything, he's always right, etc.
The next morning he wakes up and sneezes and wheezes the entire day, so that's why they think it's an allergy to the beer.
I had the talk with him last night. He's scared...good! He has bloodwork on Monday and then a doctor's appt for the week after.
The doctor told him last week, after his lung tests, that he was going to have to quit smoking because his lungs are at 30%. He knows he has to quit or he's going to die. He's terrified ( or so he tells me) and he says he doesn't want to quit but he knows he has to.
He's afraid to let go...I know how that feels as I'm a smoker too, and I know I have to quit...but I'm afraid to let go as well. I've tried quitting many times in the past...and it's hard as heck.
I know it's going to be hard on everyone, but if he's really going to do it this time I'll stick by him.
My dad had tried a few times, but his well meaning friends used to through cans of beer over the fence at the dry out center. He would call them and tell them he was about to die so they ( fellow alcoholics) would bring the goods to him. How I hated those people...but I knew they were sick too.
I told him that I would stay until the end of the month...(only because it's going to take me at least that long to find a place to go...didn't tell him that part) to see if he's serious or not.
well i really do hope for your sake (and his), that he means it, and more than that ,does something about it, you cant really be any fairer, or more honest, please do find somewhere though, because if he doesnt get himself sorted out, your leaving him, could be the best thing for him, and it will also give you more strength, i really think you have to look after you, and your baby on the way, have you been to alanon, for some support for yourself! god bless,
I tried to go to alanon...but I don't have any friends or family here and they won't let me bring my 2 year old. My older kids don't live with me. 2 are grown up and on thier own and the 16 yr old lives with his father.
Don't know where else I can go. I went so far as calling mental health and they told me to call alanon...right after I told her that they wouldn't let me bring my son...some help they are...
The only help I can find is right here on this site.
I can't leave the little guy with his dad...tried twice in the past. The first time was when he was 5 months old. I came home after 45 minutes and he was passed out on the bed, baby laying beside him screaming his poor little heart out. Five empties sitting there.
The second time the baby was a year old...he was upstairs taking a shower and the little guy was halfway up the stairs. I had been gone for 10 minutes.
So that's my dilemma.
I agree with you 100%. If he does not follow through on this promise I'll go live in a tent in the snow just to get away...if it comes to that.
i think that may be your only solution, (not the tent, but to leave) if he couldnt even look after his little one , through drink, i dont think theres much more motivation than that!! i do wish you well, but only you can end this really, and i think you know that, stay strong, god bless.
Sometimes you can find Alanon meetings online that might be helpful to you being that you don't have a babysitter. When you are involved in a pattern like that for so long, it really becomes a way of life to you. I was raised by an alcoholic, I moved out early, and then without consciously realizing it, I picked an alcoholic to get involved with. I did that roller coaster for 5 years, and then I reached my bottom. There was a lot of yo-yo back and fourth stuff though. I felt like because I put time into this relationship that I needed to hold onto it, but I was so wrong.
Alanon helped me recognize some of the patterns I had that continued my involvement. Here we always think the alcoholic is the only one with the problem, but no it takes two to participate. I am so sorry to hear about your father :(
The best thing someone said to me when I was in a similar situation as you is "mean what you say and say what you mean." If you make your mind up to do something then follow through. It's the only way they are going to know you are actually serious. Keep us posted by all means.
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