lost soul

[sn40]

Hi i'm 37 years olds and just got kicked out. Ive been in relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years. Over the years i was always labelled a cheater a liar, ive been dumped three times over the years. I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago thinking life is great. I never relaized the consuption of beer and the effect it slowly had on me. Mind you my boyfriend is a genuine and loving man with aproblem. His mother was an alcoholic and after 18 years with his dad their marriage feel apart. Ive heard stories he would tell me growing up...after their split he stopped talking to his mother and unfortunetly she passed away before the can mend things. I think his trust issue stemmed from his mother and to make things worth his sister betrayed him too he has no conact with her.

Over the past years his drinking got heavier...at least 10 beers a night....sex went down the tube and so his trust in me. I made a few white lies over the years and its come back to bite me in the ***. See his obseesed with truth and i guess i couldnt live up to his standards. We are not perfect and many times ive forgiven him but now i realize i can never be forgiven. This relationship was doomed from day one. When i met him he was 33, never had a relationship over six months....he would leave women.
I am hurting so bad because i really loved this man but he could not get past the bottle. Why would anyone want to stay?  I got kicked out of our home....(he owns it) and im just devastated. I did everything for this man and his father who lived with us and was always praised for being the greatest women his known. How does one just snap. It came down to trust even though ive done nothing to be misttrusted.

Ive going through a really rough time living out of a suitcase wondering where i went wrong? When doe the pain go away. I feel ive lost myself and now im just going crazy. I have a great family but ive been keeping this blowup a secret...i feel i lost time and now at 37 ill never have kids....im just a lost soul right now....

[trekrgirl]

Hello, you have definitely hit a pot hole in the road.  Keep in mind that when someone drinks it has an effect on everything and everyone around them, they will do anything to divert the attention away from themselves.  He has trust issues; those are not your issues don’t take them on as yours.  It sounds like you could really use your families support, try talking to them.  Remember the alcohol is not your problem.  You can only control your own thoughts and behaviors, try not to take on his.
I promise you are not going crazy although I do understand how you feel.  You feel like you have done everything you could to be a good woman to him, I am sure you catered to his every need, making sure he was comfortable, fed and all around taken care of.  But what about your needs have they been met, did you feel needed, wanted, desired or even appreciated.   Focus on YOU, take a good look at what you feel about yourself, pull out your feelings and his perceptions that he placed on you.  If it helps, write it down, one column would be your true feelings about you, the other is his perceptions that you have taken on. I say taken on because I have been there and you will have things on your side of the list that if you take time to really look and revert back to the list over time you will see they are not yours, and you can give up the ownership of them.   We tend to want to rescue those we care about and somehow get twisted up in the mixture.  Be good to yourself.  When I started this I had to sort it out too, but I learned to say “no wait that is not my problem”  and was able to let go of the ownership.  He may never be able to see it that way but this is about you, these are your feelings, it is about your survival. Don’t be afraid to talk to your family, we all need a Hand Up at times, and today is your day and someday it will be your turn to off the Hand Up to someone else.  DOn't be hard on yourself, you have time to have the kind of life you want and deserve, he is just not the one, get yourself healthy and move forward!

You should try Alonon, it does help to see what others in the same situation as you/I are going through even if you do not talk listening and reading their materials helps.