new to forum

Hi I am new to this forum and never had help understanding all the alcoholics I was living with. I lived with my mother and her brother who were alcoholics until they both died. I was about 30 when my mom died and 28 when my uncle died. My brother also became an alcoholic. My grandpa on my mothers side was as well and a cousin. So obviously it is genetic. I drink occasionally but only 1 glass of wine no more ever. I get a headache if I drink more or even one sometimes. Can I become an alcoholic  if I never drink more than a glass nor do I want to? I don't think I have the genes. I had a different dad than my brother. My mother sipped sherry all day. She became worse after she had cancer and more argumentative. I was young and argued back. It was really hurtful. My uncle was a binge alcoholic and he would drink all night maybe drunk drive (I was probably about 11 years old to about 16 when he lived with us) he would blackout and forget where his car was, etc. He never yelled at me like my mom did. He was very quiet and would get sick on those days and stay in his room for a few days then go back to work (graveyard shift). He also was a terrible gambler and lost a business over this and more. My brother drank beer and gambled and lied all the time about anything. He stole my jewelry, other items. Later, he had two dui's. He sounds much better like he used to sound now. He says he doesn't drink but then he was having palpitations one week and said well he drink some on the weekends. So is he still an alcoholic?
thanks,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

You never really got to be a kid did you?  Seems you took on the role of caregiver at a young age.  I think this is why you have a hard time asking for help as you were always the one who did the helping.  You need to have help now and it is okay to receive that.  Let them take care of you!  Will your back injury heal on its own?  Those are no fun and takes forever it seems to heal.  The thing that really stands out to me with you is that you arent angry.  Most people would be.  You have an incredible amount of compassion and love for you mom, that is really something special that most people dont take from the life you had.  I think your brother has enough anger for the both of you.  I understand why he does the things he does, it is easier to numb the pain than walk thru it.  It is no excuse by any means.  As for the decisions, i think about me in that spot and i was afraid for a long time to make any decisions as i didnt want to make the wrong one or be held accountable for it either.  Many times i didnt feel i was good enough and others would be critical.  This is something i work on all the time but little by little it is getting easier and easier.  

I was the caregiver for my dad who also had a brain tumor.  That was very devastating.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful man.....Seems to me he saw how wonderful you were too~~~sara

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum~~
  
Sounds like you have been surrounded by alcohol all your life and have seen what this addiction does to a family.  You have one of 2 things here to do, either you become them or you set a different path for yourself and you sound like that is what you are doing as you are asking questions.  I would really recommend trying Alanon or some support group for family members.  You got the brunt of their addictions and that wasnt fair to you.  I am sure you are carrying alot of baggage growing up with this.  As to your question about your brother.....yes he is still an alcoholic.  Once you cross that line into addiction it is there for life.  I hope he stops while he can right now as it will soon get out of hand again.  Most alcoholics think they can control their drinking if they start again.  They are only fooling themselves.  Please keep talking with us here.  We have some really good members on this forum who have been where you are at and are finally living a healthy life.  Keep checking back~~sara

[mkh9]

Hi and thanks for you kind reply. I have mentioned to my brother that he shouldn't be drinking anyway and he gets defensive. He is the last family member  have. I don't want to alienate him but I do keep him at a distance as my husband and I have been invited to his house (2 hour drive) and he will not be there. He has done stuff like this so I do things on my terms. I don't "loan" him money any more or do any business or things like that as he doesn't keep his side of the bargain. I would like to learn more and be able to ask questions here. My mom, uncle, grandpa and so forth are all passed away so they don't affect me that much now. I am wanting to understand what I went through and maybe why some of these things happened and let go of it all. I certainly have to blame in this other than my mom used to make me get her a bottle of sherry and if I didn't I would get yelled at until I did. So, to have less friction I would get it. I knew she would get it anyway. I guess that is enabling. When I was a teenager my step dad (who didn't live with us) would get in big arguments with her. I would be the one to have to make peace . She would beg me until I called him and then they would talk again.  I look back and can't believe all the stuff I have seen. Yet, through all that I worked my way through college, graduated with a B.S. in microbiology , did my internship and because a Clinical Lab Scientist. I married a wonderful guy who is not an alcoholic. I try to do pretty much the opposite of what my family did. My mother was loving and loved me very much and we were very close. But the arguments were tough and she tried to keep me from doing anything like going out on dates when I was past 18. I'm glad now because I found the love of my life. He is also a scientist and has a nice family. I guess I 'm just looking for understanding of what this is all about now that it is in my past (except for my brother). Alanon is not on line right? I can't get out much right now due to health issues. I have been told they would be helpful. Am I on the right site for asking questions and so forth and to gain insight as to how this affected me and others?
thanks,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Yes you are on the right site here.  You have done amazingly well given what you went thru as a child.  Very impressive and big Congrats!

I am glad to hear you arent enabling your brother.  That is the worst thing anyone can do for an addict.  He gets defensive cuz he knows you are right.  It has to be up to him to quit.

Ask anything you want here.  We have all been affected by alcohol/drugs here and we want you to be comfortable talking with us.........sara

[mkh9]

Thanks. I wasn't trying to brag rather it was a big struggle for me to get through college with all the turnoil. I hope that is how it came across. I'm not doing anything now I have a backinjury and it is chronic and I got tendonitis in both wrists from working a repetitive job 12 hrs a day. I hope so much to get back to normal. But it gives me time to help people on Medhelp and also delve a little into some of these things that I have wondered about for a long time. I have some stories that are stressful but no more than anyone else on here I'm sure. I'm trying to not let the past affect me. For the most part it doesn't. One thing I feel is insecure and it is sometimes hard to make decisions. I assume this comes out of all the insecurity from my home life in the past. I am too clingy with my husband though that has gotten a lot better over the 15 years we have been married. I am 49 now but in my twenties I used to get sick from stress lots of the time. I have a migraine variant but stress and some foods trigger it. I think the stress did that too. I meditate now and I am trying to find ways to keep low key and so forth. It is hard.
Thanks for your ears!
mkh9

[dominosarah]

I didnt take it as bragging but you do have every right to do that!  I think it is great what you have accomplished.  Many times we see the other side.

Insecurities are very common with children of alcoholics along with making decisions which leads right back to insecurities.  We lose alot of self esteem and dont feel we live up to others standards.  It's a vicious cycle but it is fixable.  Looking to validate ourselves thru others is also a biggy, again this leads back to our self esteem.  I am 50 so we are never to old to learn!!  Learning to let go and really love ourself is hard work and doesnt happen overnight.  Your stories are yours and it doesnt matter if someone has had it worse, it affected you and that is what matters....This is about you now~~sara

[mkh9]

thanks so much Sarah. You are very kind. That explains why I am always asking people what they think to validate what I already know or think. Also, when my mom died it was i think more devastating to me as I had never made my own decisions (except to go to college and work) but all the little things I asked my mom for advice. I know a lot people generally ask their parents for advice but I think it was more so for me. So it really rocked my world for quite some time. Anyway, I feel good about myself in general. But, I hate being dependant on people for anything and right now I have a back injury where I can't bend and my husband has to dress me and a toe infection so I'm stuck at home and so forth. It has been a tough couple of years for me being alone all day until my husband gets home. For a while I couldn't even walk outside to lift my foot up or even wash myself on the lower half. I say this because I've had problems with letting people help me as I have always been the strong one in the family. I feel humiliated when I have to ask people to open doors for me because of my back , they give me funny looks until I explain why. It is a tough place to be and I hate it. But I am making slow progress.  I sure hope to get back to normal. Well, more later.
thanks again,
mkh9

[mkh9]

Why is it so hard to make decisions? I know I was yelled at a lot and put down. I guess that causes insecurities. I yelled too though.  On top of the alcoholism my mother was legally blind when she got older. So I was resposible for her in more ways than one in my teenage and college years. My mother had a very hard life. Her mother gave her and her brother away to their cousins when they were kids (like 7years old or so). The cousins or her aunt, beat both her and her brother up. Her brother would run away but then my mother would get beat up. She got pregant at 18 and was forced to marry the guy and he got killed in a motorcycle accident. She then got another boyfriend and he died of TB (my brothers dad). She got married and gave a child up for adoption and so the cycle repeats). She got divorced and another boyfriend, then got TB herself and had  a lung out. Then she lived with my step dad after she got well, and he broke her ribs. She then moved out with my real dad and hence here I am. I never knew either of them, nor did my brother. I found out that my "step dad" was not really my dad until I was about 13. It was a shock and awe. She also had been very permiscous and told me at 12 or 13 alot of things I shouldn't have heard about men and their weird activities with her and so forth very shocking at that age. She also got grade 4 cervical cancer when I was 10 so I always felt insecure that she would die. I excelled in high school in both scholastics and tennis and was offered a scholarship in both but I decided to work in a clinical lab instead through college. It was an escape and also felt good to move away from the crazyness and opposite of what my mom was.Yet I couldn't move out. I  felt responsible.  The work and studying gave me stability and something do. My brother moved out when he was 18 (I was 15 at the time). He got into drugs (uppers) at first or for  a while and went wild then finally had a girlfriend for 10 years and two kids. He then left them and cheated on her and moved to another and got divorced for cheated and another child and another woman and alcoholic the whole time. What a bad path to live. I think he followed the instability my mother had and I went the other way luckily. I went to college and was sick all the time probably due to stress and finally got better in the end. So I found my sweet husband who is an angel. His family are all stabile and geniouses seriously. Three years ago though his brother died of a brain tumor ( we became his caregiver for a while) and my husbands dad died of Parkinsons around the same time too. My step dad or whatever he was died on the day my husbands brother died. Then I got this back injury. So it is not a easy time for us. I hope things will straighten out. I have not told this story to many people actually just my husband, and bits of it to counselors or my husbands family. All the turmoil has made me stronger in the end except as you say for the indecision and so forth.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

You never really got to be a kid did you?  Seems you took on the role of caregiver at a young age.  I think this is why you have a hard time asking for help as you were always the one who did the helping.  You need to have help now and it is okay to receive that.  Let them take care of you!  Will your back injury heal on its own?  Those are no fun and takes forever it seems to heal.  The thing that really stands out to me with you is that you arent angry.  Most people would be.  You have an incredible amount of compassion and love for you mom, that is really something special that most people dont take from the life you had.  I think your brother has enough anger for the both of you.  I understand why he does the things he does, it is easier to numb the pain than walk thru it.  It is no excuse by any means.  As for the decisions, i think about me in that spot and i was afraid for a long time to make any decisions as i didnt want to make the wrong one or be held accountable for it either.  Many times i didnt feel i was good enough and others would be critical.  This is something i work on all the time but little by little it is getting easier and easier.  

I was the caregiver for my dad who also had a brain tumor.  That was very devastating.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful man.....Seems to me he saw how wonderful you were too~~~sara

[mkh9]

What you said really struck home and I cried for a while. It was a release because you understand. I don't think I have met someone who gets something (of the limited overview) of what I went through. I was a kid until about 8th grade I guess. I was angry when I was living with my mom. But I have always lover her and my uncle. My mom was a good mom in a lot of ways, as she was a great cook, picked us both up at school , encourage me to get through college and to go to college and went to some of my tennis matches. I actually was very close to her despite the arguments in between. We were too close in someways. Obviously, I was her confidant even at too early a age. After she died I moved and had to as you say start believing in my own decisions. I made a couple of bad ones but I got out of them ok. I rely alot on my two good friends for advice and my husband. He has the same problem with the lost of his two older male role models. He is now the head of the family and it is hard for him to get used to but he is doing a great job.I do feel guilty about my husband having to take care of me and he gets so tired. At first I couldn't talk positively about my mom for several years. I finally realized I was avoiding the good stuff because it was more painful. I made peace with everything she said and did. I don't blame her at all. What you said about my brother is very true he is very angry. He has lied about his education to impress others and even said he went to the same college I did. He didn't finish highschool. What is he angry about? It being unfair we had no solid foundation and the turmoil and stuff? There was a lot of turmoil with me living with my mom. I felt at times very overwhelmed and wanted to leave and felt trapped. Anyway, my back problem started out not so bad (it is a myofasical pain syndrome) but I got injured by a physical therapist and then reinjured again by my bent leg falling out while doing an exercise and since then haven't been able to cross that leg enough to reach my shoes to take them off. I got a hip xray that was ok and an MRI (before the knee falling over) and that was normal. Yes it is taking a long time to heal. I am finally making progress by walking hills (per my doctor) and trying to get out of being weak. But then I have this toe surgery maybe and I'll be stuck again inside, yuk. Since my brother in law died of the brain tumor I have now come across two people that had either their husband or dad that had a brain tumor. It is a unique and really incredibly hard cancer to deal with. I find that it seems in life we find people along the way that help us. They may not stay in your life long, but I appreciate what you have said. It is very helpful to know someone understands. I'll have to read what you went through or you can tell me some time. Anyway, I hope to heal and have to move forward somehow. I don't know the entire way though. I am taking it a day at a time now. One thing that I want to ask about my brother. He had 2 DUI's and there was a period when I didn't hear from him for 6 years. I don't know what happened. If I bring anything up with him he gets agitated and upset. We talk on the phone once a week, and I don't want to lose that. I try to forget the past except to learn from it.  I wonder if he was in jail? I know he went to AA. Oh well.
thanks so much for being there.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

While we are actively using it is much easier(so we think) to not have any contact with our loved ones as it brings all the pain to the surface.  We are afraid to be called out on our behavior.  We think we are hiding what we do.  Addiction is a very shameful lonely place for us.  For all of us involved we seem to not want to remember the past as we dont like to feel the emotions it involves, mainly sadness and anger.  When we start to walk thru them we are letting go of that pain and that is a freedom like no other.  Memories of our loved ones that have passed are also painful, even the good ones.  I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call my dad.  I miss his voice, his laugh but mainly i just miss him.  I am now able to talk about him and smile, i can think of the funny things he used to do and say, i also feel i was robbed of all that too.  He was only 66 and our relationship was very rocky all my life.  We lived those 10 months with everything we had and i believe he lived thru me when it got to tough for him.  Brain cancer is so devastating but where his tumor was at he had no clue how sick he was which was a blessing for him.  He lost all motor skills in the end but still continued to fight.  There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about him.  He was an incredible man, highly talented and i am so blessed to call him dad, he is and always will be my hero~  He was also a recovering alcoholic.  He sobered up in 1983 when my youngest daughter was born.  He was foreign to me at that point as i didnt know him sober, i only knew him drunk.  By that time i was already numbing my pain from my childhood and that continued for years.  I wasted alot of good years i could of had with him but he called it like he saw it and the truth hurt.  3 marriages and 3 divorces later here i am, sober and clean and finally living, not just existing~~

[mkh9]

So you think that the "disappearance" of my brother was possibly avoidance not jail time for his second DUI? I'm sure what the law is for two DUI's. I tried to call his phones and he wasn't there any more. He could have been anywhere. I'm sorry about your dad. Did he have a primary brain tumor and was it glioblastoma multiforme (GBM)? My husbands brother lasted 1 year and 4 months. It sounds like your dad was a wonderful dad depite the alcohol. I get the foreign feeling you had as when my brother called me back after all those years he sounded like he was in his teens a different person but it was good. It sounds like you had a tough road. Were you an alcoholic too then? It sort of helps me understand the other side. What goes on and how the person feels. So are you unmarried now? I'm glad you feel free and are starting to live your life. It is a great thing. When my mother died it was a mixed thing as I was liberated for the first time as well. I could go anywhere that I could afford. It was weird and hard to get used to. It is finding who you are really. I became much more social and talkative with people (anyone). It is a time to find yourself.  Well, there is always a bridge between you and your dad, that is love. It is always the connection you have.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

His actually started as melanoma and metastisized to the brain.  He had emergency brain surgery and they removed a large mass in the right frontal lobe, it came back and affected the perital region.  He was full of cancer everywhere.  They first thought it was GBM or astrocicoma(sp).  Either way it is deadly.

I am heading to work right now so will write more later.  I am glad you are here mkh~~

[mkh9]

Sorry to hear that your dad got the melanoma to start with. Then to have the brain tumor on top of that. You went through a lot. I know you loved and love him a lot. Is it hard to talk about him? If so I won't say any more. My husbands brother Jim was 56 when he got GBM as a primary BT. He was seemingly a healthy Ph.D. organic chemist and was a hiker, advanced tennis player and advanced skier. He dived and surfed. Very outgoing nice guy. We miss him. It is hard to see someone go so quickly. Jim's inital BT was in the pariatal lobe too. Then it went to the brain stem. Anyway, we are all still recovering.Thanks for telling me about your dad. I am glad you are here too. Thanks,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

It is very healing to talk about him now.  My dad was a military man all his life, he was also a firefighter and a paramedic.  The doctors said due to him being so physically and mentally fit he lived longer than expected.  His funeral was beautiful, he was taken to his final resting place in an old Luverne fire truck with 4 firefighters tending to his casket.  The ladder truck led the procession followed by the other fire trucks, the ambulances followed behind them, it was quite a sight.  The funeral was huge as he also taught for the college so he knew everyone from here to Timbuck2!!  So many things change when our loved ones pass on.  I am not sure we ever get over their deaths, i think we learn how to cope with it.  Your BIL sounded like a very talented man who loved life.  Did he leave behind a family?  He was taken way to soon.  They are saying now that people with cancer should be having brain scans as they are seeing more and more of it moving to the brain.  Hopefully some day they will have the answers to this awful disease.  What actually do you do in your job?  I know what microbiology means but that is a pretty broad spectrum isnt it?  Any cancer studies?

[mkh9]

You dad sounds like a wonderful man with lots of friends. How long ago did he pass on? No we never "get over' a persons death we learn to cope with their loss and go on living the best we can. Jim was really neat guy. Everyone respected him yet he just did what he wanted in life. He said to my husband, I used to stress about a lot of things, now I try to worry only about what you can control. It is one of the many good memories. My husband and I used to walk with him on the beach when he came to visit. I used to play tennis with him (some very serious matches!). He lived up in Napa valley in the California wine country area and would drive down to see his parents in the Los Angeles area and we would meet them there. Funny, Jim worked on a chemotherapy agent that was later used for brain tumors. I wonder if he got it by exposure because they had a lab contamination accident and he cleaned it up. Who knows. I am not working right now due to tendonitis in both wrists that I got from work at a biotechnology company and then the back injury. I was or am a licensed and registered clinical microbiologist scientist I did that for many years and then got layed off and switched to microbiology research, mostly on anaerbic bacteria found in bite wounds but also on new antibiotic testing and so forth. Then I moved from Los Angeles to San Diego and got a job working as a contracted employee for the military for 4 years. I set up their microbiology and molecuar biol. labs and was supervising 6 people. This was to do epidemiology studies on the various military groups like the naval academy, the navy seals, the army rangers  and so forth to see if giving them antibiotics during their stressful periods would lower the pneumonia rate etc. We were an infectious disease lab. Then when W.Bush got in the money was totally cut and we all lost our jobs again. I then got into biotech as a associate scientist. I was working on development of diagnostic kits. That is when I got tendonitis (too much repetitive work). Lastly, I then worked for the VA hospital for a while back in clinical microbiology and helped them get their molecular biology or PCR tests running and certified. My husband Richard is a Ph.D. molecular biologist. He works on making diagnostic kits. He does work a little on cancer but mostly HPV and STD's. There isn't much money in cancer research and certainly not basic research. All the funding has been really chopped back for all basic research. In any case basic research only pays about 23,000 a year for a Ph.D. here in expensive San Diego. Anyway, I wish I could get back to doing house chores and then work even part time. It is a long road this back problem and very hard to take emotionally. What career are you in? We do need more studies on cancer research. They do have one good one down here working on GBM in conjunction with UCLA.
take care,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

I learned so much about the brain and how it works when my dad was diagnosed(Jun 2005).  There arent many drugs for brain cancer due to the brain blood barriers(i think you know what i mean here!)  His chemo came from a place in Florida i believe.  He also had radiation for 6 weeks.  The side effects were nasty but he kept a positive attitude and we kept plugging away.  He passed away the end of Feb. 2006.  When did your BIL pass?

I thought research paid 6 figures!!  Yikes!!

I work at a convenience store and DQ!  Not my first choice in careers but due to my past behaviors this is where i am at now.  I am okay with it now, for a long time i wasn't.  I kept thinking about the what if's, what if i hadnt drank so much or did drugs, i wouldnt be working so hard now.  I dont think that way anymore as this is what it is now.  I have so many things to be grateful for now so material things no longer hold the value that it used too.  I have learned so much from you in the short time we have been talking.  I find comfort in your words, thank you~~

[mkh9]

I think it is great that you like or are ok with where you work. I'm glad you don't blame yourself about why you are where you are. The past is to be learned from but not take over your life. My brother works at SAM's wherehouse as a stock person and he likes his job ok. He used to be a manager for them but broke their rules. Anyway, yeah my BIL passed on in May 2009, my FIL passed May 2008. It is tough. We miss them a lot. My husband really has a hard time losing his brother. Of course his mother (who will 90 this year) had to deal with it and I don't know how. It was hard telling her about her son. I'm so glad you find some confort in what I have said. I do as well from your kind words.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today?  The sun is shining here finally and temps are warming up!  Too bad i have to work all day!

[mkh9]

Thanks for asking. I'm sore. I did finally get out to lunch on the weekend to a place I have wanted to go for about 2 years. I haven't gone due to pain, being able to walk up the steps or ramp and it is a hour drive each way.The seats were hard and hurt alot. But, the food was delicious (just breakfast stuff) and it has a nice ocean view. We will try to go there for our 15th anniversary on the 28th. My husband seems to be happy that I went because it was a long standing goal. We are trying to get out once a week. I'm still seeing my doctor this week for the toe infection. I hope that doesnt' set my walking back too much as I am finally making progress. I still have to figure out how to get my echocardiogram done. I don't normally lay on my left side and I don't want to hurt myself. I hate the obsticles for small things. It is going to be 80 here today and was very foggy this morning. Can't beat the weather in SD. I have been to minneapolis, for a one week training session across from the U of M.  The people treated me like family really nice. What is it like there? When does the snow come? Hope you have a nice day!
mkh9

[dominosarah]

I am glad to hear you got out.  That is good for us mentally.  Being confined with injuries gives us alot of time to think and not all of it is very positive.  I look forward to quiet time in my life as i am always working and that can play he!! on my thinking so i have to be careful and slow down as i cant forget about me.

The snow can start at any time around here.  Usually Northern Mn gets it first.  If we can make it thru Halloween without snow we are doing good!!  Winter is so long and cold.  Right at the moment we are having our Indian summer and it is wonderful.  Temps are in the middle 70's and the mosquitos are pretty much gone!!

I will be back at midnight as i have to head to my 2nd job now...uugghhh

[mkh9]

I talked to my brother today and he was very short with me. He gets arrogant when he drinks (it was 11 a.m. here). I think he is back to drinking again, though I hope not. I feel sorry about that. I wish I could talk to him about how I feel. I think he should apologize for all the stuff he did to me, like stealing my jewelry, teddy bear, bible, calculator. Also, for  saying he would be home on my birthday and then I had to wait and finally go out to dinner by myself. He also forgot to pick me up at LAX on Christmas eve. I was scared in that airport at night. I called and he finally came. L.A. has some terrible places you don't want to drive through even, seriously and definitely don't stop for a soda at a 7-11.The other thing that bothers me is that my brother lies about everything even when there is no reason whatsoever. He has embarrased us by brining a hooker into the bowling alley when he was 18 where we were all bowling in leagues as kids and then in adult leagues. Then he told my best friend (at the time) that he was going to move in with him and left his stuff there and never went back. I got him a dental appointment with a good friends recommendation (he was frightened of dentists) and he later didn't pay the bill. He also used to try to hurt me. He chased me around a pit of glass and I fell in and cut myself badly. He sprayed hose in my face and wouldn't stop and I couldn't breath. He threw me across the room when I was a teenager (I didn't get hurt) because I was in the way of the TV. And, so on. So I don't know.  He had a girlfriend he was living with and had two kids (my nieces). He came to visit me and brought a girlfriend with him (not the one with his kids one whe was cheating on her with). He took a photo of us and told me that he had broken up with the other girl. Turns out she found the photo in the car and blamed me for not telling her and never let me see the kids again. There is a lot of stuff like that. I am trying to make sense of all this and trying to focus on what is affecting me now not just dwelling in the past. I think it is the insecurity thing you mentioned. Also, I am ashamed of telling people my family was so dysfunctional. But, even my husbands so called stellar family has a few problems.

[dominosarah]

I do believe your brother is drinking again as his behavior points to it.  Dont hold your breath with the im sorry thing.  Until he really sobers up, takes responsibility for his actions this wont happen.  If he did tell you that right now you would still feel the same way as you do now.  Our actions speak louder than words.  When it comes time for us to make amends it is a big deal as this is something that we feel, so it is real.  The really bad part about addicts is we do steal from anyone to get our first love and that is our drug of choice.  We dont care who we are hurting to get our fix until later and then we just keep numbing ourselves up.  He has some real anger issues that i am sure stem from childhood and he is still trying to bury those feelings.  When it comes to cleaning up for us we have to walk thru our pain, not go around it.  We have to feel the situation, deal with it and find a place for it.  Just know i am not making any excuses for him, i am just telling you this from an addicts mindset.  Being ashamed is a common trait we all share, you being the family member and him being the addict.  The more you explore what went on in your family the less ashamed you will be.  It is easy for me to tell you not to feel that way but doing it is a different story and it is the way you are feeling so that needs to be addressed.  It is very hard for you family members to not take the blame for what went on, so unfair due to our actions.  All families have problems, some just take theirs to an extreme.  Ward and June Cleaver made it look so easy didnt they!!

[mkh9]

Thanks for your insight on all this. When you explain the other point of view it helps me to understand. My brother doesn't take responsibility yet and still lies about everything for no reason. I feel uncomfortable because since I have lost my ability to see my  nieces I stay somewhat distant from his current girlfriend. I like her though she is different from the girls he knew in the past. It is funny she wants kids and can't have them so my brother told her about his son but never mentioned has two other kids because "it would be too hard for her." Maybe but the lie, if found out and probably will will be worse. I think he doesn't want to look bad because he has so many kids or girlfriends, whatever reason. My problem is if it comes up I will her the truth. I don't want to get involved it isn't my buisness. Anyway, I wonder what he is so angry at, all the instability, not getting enough attention and so forth? He has been good the last two years in listening to my problems with my health and drove once a week to the hospital to see our step dad when he was dying. I did all the paperwork and talking to the nurses/doctors and stuff but went to see him less often. So we worked together on that fairly well. Is your mom still alive? You haven't talked much about her. Is that a difficult subject? I'm sorry you went through so much in your life and also proud of you for becoming clean and being kind and helping others. It makes life worth while to know you are helping others. I hope you have a good day.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Yes my mother is still living.  We are toxic together.  I love her from a distance and am okay with this.  

Do your nieces live close by?  Are you on speaking terms with their mom?  When there are kids involved it is hard.  The tangled web of lies and deceit that your brother has created is something he will have to get himself out of.  If you are faced with questions just tell the truth cuz when we do that we dont have to cover up one lie with another.  There is a saying about active addicts, how do you know when they are lying?  Everytime they open their mouth.  Our lives are nothing but insanity, always trying to hide the truth.  It is a miserable life, we see it, we know it and yet we keep on numbing ourselves up.  Crazy huh?  You are all left to clean up the pieces of your life that has been messed up by our selfish acts.  I am glad you are taking the time to learn about all of this.  It is extremely hard to let go and really move on.  Have you seen the Serenity Prayer?  That pretty much sums everything up...

I have a day off finally so am doing laundry.  I should be cleaning but am going to go to my daughters place and see my grandbabies.  There is nothing like seeing the world thru a childs eyes.  Best therapy in the world!  Today i am grateful for being clean and sober and for you~~sara

[mkh9]

Hi, you made me laugh out loud when you said the thing about how do you know when an addict is lying, when they open their mouth. Is it true about my brother at least. I actually don't know where my 2 neices live. I tried writing to them but their mother tears up their letters. She won't talk to me either. When my step dad was alive we used to go see him and one day we ran into the mother and 2 girls there. It was very ackward. One of the girls gave me a hug and the other ignored me. They don't really understand what happened. I have tried talking to her she still hasn't let go of the past. So, I have left it behind. if they wanted to get in touch they could and they are in their 20's both graduated from college. I am glad they are doing something out of all this turmoil. I'm sorry to hear you and your mother don't get along but that you are ok with it now. You sure have come a long way. I haven't heard the serenity prayer. I will look it up.
have a good day with the grandkids. How many kids do you have? How old are they?
bye,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

My girls are 30 and 28.  My grandson is 10 and my granddaughter just turned 1.  They are the loves of my life~~I have all this now due to my sobriety, i am the richest woman in the world~~

I thought your nieces were little!! lol  Good for them on getting an education and doing something with their lives.  Hopefully they will contact you at some point.  That would be closure for you all.

How many kids do you have?

The wind is blowing like mad here tonight and it is cold.  Seems the older i get the more aches and pains come out!!

[mkh9]

I'm glad you have your children and grandchildren to make you happy. No, I'm 49 and my brother is 52. He does have a son that is I think in 7th grade. I haven't seen him in years so I'm not sure. He used to bring him to see his stepdad so I would meet with him there. Now we have no middle ground. We don't have any children, just one crazy dog. Sounds like it is cold there, burr. Here it is foggy in the morning and about 78 in the daytime. I still have this dreaded toe infection (two antibiotics later) and see my doctor tomorrow. I'll probably have to have the nail removed. I hope it doesn't set me back from walking for too many days. It is always something.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Have they done a culture on the infection?  I would think the anitbiotics would be working by now....

Crazy dog?  I have 2 and a cat with an attitude.  I inherited him after my dad passed away!  The big one is 1/2 chocolate lab-german short hair, she is a hunting dog and the newest addition is my beagle.  Got her from a rescue shelter.  Had to put my old girl down in January, she was 13 *sniff* *sniff*.  You have to be 1/2 insane to have a beagle in the first place!!! lol

[mkh9]

Hi and yes they did try to do a culture but it didn't grow anything but mixed skin flora. The doctor said it didn't have any pus or abscess so he couldn't get any exudate from inside to culture really. I can culture myself (funny huh?). But, I don't see any oozing or anything worth culturing either. Both antibiotics don't work on a bug called pseudomas, which is more resistant to drugs and is environmental. It could be that or that the nail just needs to come off and stop digging into my tissue. Oh well, I don't know.Well, our current rescue dog is Sydney. She is an australian shephard mix. She is an easy to take care of dog and independant which is good. Her main problem is aggression towards other dogs. She is very smart and finally learned how to fetch. We had a golden retriever but he died the same year my BIL did. He was also 13. We haven't wanted to get a second since I can't take care of them and my husband is home all day. Sorry about your loss. It is hard to lose a pet. We took care of a beagle once and Sydney tried to kill it or get it, not sure how far she would have gone. The beagle whined and scratched all night and we couldn't sleep so we put it in a kennel until the owner got back from vacation. Sydney loves kids and adults, but dogs she feels she has to be in charge of them.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Let me know how the doctors appt went..........

I have the weakest stomach in the world so just thinking about you culturing yourself makes me light headed!!!  lol

[mkh9]

Thanks I will. I am a bit nervous but that doesn't help. My toenail is craking on one side so I hope it will fall off so I won't have to have them cut into it, yuk!  LOL regading the culture. I used to take throat cultures from patients when i worked in the hospital and also from the Navy Seals (that was interesting and they were in their speedos, LOL). I tried not to pay attention be we did have  a chuckle. I also drew blood from the seals at times. It does take getting used to . The first time when I was learning how to draw blood I almost passed out after. So I've come a long way. I had to work trauma team when I was a lab assistant in Phoenix. It was hard to see and I usually looked away and then did my job and left as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I still remember a lot of things I saw. Tough job. Hope you are not having lunch!
more later,
mkh9

[dominosarah]

I could of done the navy seals, just not their blood!!!  lol  I wasnt having lunch and wont be having supper now either!!  lol

What did the doctor say?

[dominosarah]

I hope you are okay?

[mkh9]

Hi, sorry I took so long to respond. THe power was out today and then my computer was stuck. Yeah, I got the results back from my doctor yesterday. I still have a toe infection so I have to see the podiatrist. He gave me a back up antibiotic in case it gets worse before my appointment. The halter monitor for my heart showed 104 PAC's per the 24 hour period. He said they are benign but I still have to get a echocardiogram next week to rule out mitrovalve prolapse. I hope that turns out ok. You never know. He did say though that rarely you could get a vt (I don't know exactly what that is ventriculular tachycardia maybe). I haven't been able to look it up. Others on medhelp said they had a lot of PAC's (a heart beat that is later or something) and that their cardiologist didn't put them on meds. So, I'll think about it. It rained twice here today and a litlle thunder. It was a very short and lite rain. A beautiful day really except for the power being out. I just read a good book all day. How are you?

mkh9

[dominosarah]

My daughter loved the The Helper, or is it The Help!!  I cant think right now!  S he said that was really good and wants to see the movie.  I like Danielle Steel books, always has a good ending and i love the places she takes you too, you always feel like you are right there.

Hopefully you can get all this medical stuff taken care of and start feeling better.  I have high blood pressure so have been on meds for 3 months now.  BP is down and i feel a ton better.  I thought getting older was the "Golden Years"!!!

[mkh9]

Hi just checking to see how you are today? Thanks for the info on the movie "the Help" I heard it was good too. What are Danielle Steel's books about or what category? I haven't found my 40's to be my golden years. I hope my 50's are better. I was great until 2006. After that I don't know too much stress and work and so forth. I'm looking forward to getting better as I can't take this being at home with a back problem too much longer. I want to travel again and even just visit my friends and so forth. We did get out to dinner on Saturday but Sunday morning I got a slight back strain again. It seems to occur about once a month. It was once a week so it is  getting further apart. I go to get my echocardiogram Wednesday (a bit nervous about it) and Thursdays the podiatrist. I hope it doesn't hurt too much (if he works on it the same day). My husband is home this week on "vacation" though he is not going anywhere. I wrote him a poem for our 15th anniversary (Wednesday). I hope he likes it. Well have a good day.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Danielle Steele writes romance novels, not like the Harlequin ones tho!!

I am glad you are getting your test done and seeing the podiatrist this week.  You should have some answers then and that will make you feel better.  Sitting at home gives us way to much time to think about stuff.

I think the poem is a wonderful gift.  The ones that come from the heart are the ones that are treasured~~

I am heading to work now so will write more when i get home.....sara

[dominosarah]

How are you?  Hopefully the doctors appt went well~~sara

[mkh9]

Hi Sara,
Ok today. I just got my echocardiogram back and it was normal! Also, I went to the podiatrist and he said I had a perinecium not bacterial infection. So I may have had two rounds of antibiotic for nothing although they did seem to help the pain. It was cause by the toenail fungus and the nail had been pushed into the tissue which cause the inflammation and pain. He took most of two nail off yesterday and it didn't hurt much. I also was glad they had good facility for not causing problems for my back by having to get into a weird position. I didn't sleep that well and had a nightmare about my husband I breaking up. It really seemed real. I think it was an insecurity dream. I cried when I woke up. My husband laughed (before I cried) and he thought it ridiculuous but I still had some of the effects of the dream in me. We had a great 15th anniversary on Wednesday (except for I had to get the echo in the morning). Richard bought me 12 red roses and a new purse. I needed a light weight one so it was thoughtful. I wrote a poem for him and made a card. We had Italian food for dinner that we took out as their chair are too hard for me to sit in. It was really a nice day. So, I don't know why the bad dream. I guess all the stress of waiting for the results and thinking I would have to have toe nail surgery and be set back was really making me lose sleep. So, I'm relieved today. It is about 78 today and blue. Don't know what we are going to do the rest of the day. Hope you are doing well and have a good day.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Do you worry about your husband finding someone else at times?  This is pretty common especially when the other one has medical issues.  Your self esteem isnt at a real high spot right now.  Dreams can be very disturbing.  I have drug dreams once in awhile and that weighs heavy on my mind the next few days.  

Sounds like you had a good time for your anniversary.  I am happy for the 2 of you!!

So what do you do with your toe now?  What exactly is a perinecium?  I am extremely happy your echo came back normal.  That has to be a huge relief to you.  My brother collapsed the other day at the gym and they had to use the defibulator on him.  He is waiting to hear about his test results but they have said they are going to put a pacemaker in,  He is 44 and in good health otherwise.  This has weighed pretty heavy on me.....I have to stay in the day or else my mind goes wandering and it is a very dangerous playground in there!~~

[mkh9]

Hi and no I don't really worry about him looking for someone else. I do feel bad though that we aren't doing normal couple activiites due to the back pain. He is an amazing guy and I have felt a bit jealous at times but I don't think at this point he would do it.I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I hope he will be ok. That is really scary. I lost two male friends when they were 42 to heart attacks. But it sounds like he had an arrhythmia that caused the problem rather than blood flow issue. I hope the pacemaker will work. Let me know what the doctors say the cause was. I am very glad about the clean echocardiogram. What a relief. As for the toe It will heal on it own with the antifungal pill. I just have to soak it in epson salts. My problem is I can't wear closed toed shoes so it is hard to get around since I can't bend to put my shoes on, very frustrating. I am losing patience with this back problem and want my life back. But, there is no solution at this point other than walking and getting stronger. Maybe a cortisone shot is next. Well hang in there and let me know how your brother is.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling?  Hopefully better.

Been busy here, we are having a streak of warm days so am taking advantage of that!  Living in Minnesota the weather can change by noon!  We are in a Red Alert right now.  We havent had rain in months and the farmers are in the fields now and fires are breaking out all over the place.  The fire dept is going out many times a day.  I will be on later today.  Have a short shift at work and am home tonight!!  That is exciting!!!  lol

[mkh9]

Hi Sarah,
Sounds like you have a fall fire season like we do in So. California. We usually get the Santa Ana winds coming in this time of the year. We have been evacuated 3 times in the 14 years we lived here. It is scary as one time the fires got to about 1/4 mile from our home. The last time the fires surronded the whole area not just our city many cities. It was hard getting out of here. Yesterday and today it is raining off and on. But, the Santa Anas haven't come yet. I can't imagine living in the snow. It must be hard to deal with. But then we have earthquakes. Is your area where you live away from the fires or have you ever been evacuated?  Glad you have some extra time off tonight. I had a small back strain on Sunday night or Monday at 2 a.m. I'm still having a muscle spasm today so it hurts. I think tomorrow will be better though. My husband is leaving for 1 night to go see his mother in Los Angeles. She is turning 90 on Friday. I can't sit in the car for 3-4 hours to get there and then she has no good place for me to sit once I do get there. So, I'll be the only one not going as usual. It is tough as I have been alone for the last two Thanksgivings and Christmas while everyone else was at my husband's mothers house out to dinner. I doubt I'll be healed enough this year too. I don't know I do get down sometimes about my back. I so want to get back to normal. I have a long way to go and no pain meds or anything to help. I also can't take tylenol right now due to taking Lamisil as that is hard on the liver and I can't use my heat pack because I burned myself. I can't tell when it is too hot as it feels good when it is really hot so  I don't know.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today?  

Still warm and sunny here but that will be changing towards the end of the week!!  Wont be much longer and we will be getting the shovels out!!!

[mkh9]

Great to hear from you. I'm sore again today because I felt good yesterday and tried to do more. I see my doctor tomorrow and hope he has some answers to my questions.  Yes the weather here is going to be about 93 tomorrow and 91 on Thursday then next week back down to the 70's. I like the 70's and our lows are in the 50's and 60's right now. There is a high fire danger warning the next couple of days. Hopefully, the winds stay low. Other than that I'm taking it easy today.
have a good day!
mkh9

[dominosarah]

What did the doctor say?  Hopefully you got some answers.

I am battling a cold/allergy/sinus thing right now.  It is getting old!  

Temps are fall like here, it is 52 this morning but sunny.  We had some rain the other night.  Had a chemical explosion about 5 blocks away yesterday which caused us to be evacuated for awhile.  The plant is a complete loss.  A couple workers were hurt but are recovering so that is the important thing.  The winds were blowing upwards of 45 mph.  Gotta love Minnesota!

[mkh9]

Hi and good to hear from you.Wow an explosion at a chemical plant? What kind of chemicals were released and were you in the area at the time? That is terrible. Obviously, someone made a big boo boo.Sorry about your allergies or cold. There are some people at my husbands work that are sick with a cold and passing it around. Sounds like fall is definitely here. It was 95 degrees here on Wednesday and Thursday (too hot!) and then 85 yesterday much better and today it is 75 (great). The lows here are also around 50's. I updated the doctor and asked if I could get a cortisone injection so he is going to give me one on Tuesday. I hope it works. Last time it totally took the back pain away for two days then it came back but then after a month went away for a year and a half. I wish, I wish, I wish.  So wish me good luck. I am getting tired of the pain but am making very slow progress. Yesterday, for some reason I got really down or was greiving over my mother and feeling like I didn't know why I didn't do some things when she was very ill before she died. After 20 years you would think I wouldn't have these types of sad days. My husband was also talking about his dad, brother and his friend who had been killed in a hit and run DUI accident when she was riding her bike right in front of him. I don't know if I told you about that. They were riding on PCH when she was about 27 and he was in his 30's. There were about 4 other people riding in front of them and a drunk driver came up from behind and just missed my husband and hit his friend Tracey and she died instantly. The guy got 4 years and in the end 2 with good behavior. Not much time for killing a young lady. It really affected  him a lot and still does. For some reason we were thinking of the past yesterday. Anyway, I hope you have a good weekend. Do you get the weekends off from work?
mkh9

[dominosarah]

I dont think those days will ever go away where we think about our loved ones and the what ifs.  Makes for a depressing day.  Seems to come when we arent feeling the best too.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband's friend.  What a tragedy.  Alcohol destroys so much.  2 yrs is not enough time for taking a life.  All we can do now is hope that the person has changed his life around.  It is the devils nectar.

Have you had the injections?  I sooooo hope they work.  You deserve to have some relief from this.  My cold is getting better by the way!!  lol

I saw my first snowflakes this morning!!  grrrr

[mkh9]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. Change in the weather lowers the immune system but colds and flu are seasonal usually and so... I've never seen it snow!  I have been in the snow, gone skiing  and saw snow flurries when it started snowing in the mountains but not it falling down around me or what the flakes look like. My husband has as he is half Canadian and has visited Canada many times and he is or was an advanced skiier. Some people haven't seen the ocean so I don't feel so bad, LOL. We live about 10 miles from the ocean. It is nice to be able to get there even if you don't want to swim or can't. Yeah, I got the cortisone injection yesterday and it didn't really hurt and I was able to lay on my back. I felt tired all day and slept very well. It still is a bit better today but hasn't kicked in entirely yet. I sure wish this would knock out the back pain. It is a lot to ask for. Stay warm.

mkh9

[dominosarah]

All the forecasters are predicting La Nina to be affecting us again this year.  That means below average temps and more snow!  Last year we had close to 90 inches!!  I have seen the ocean and i love it.  The smell is like no other.

Hopefully the injection will work really good this time.  I am glad you got some good sleep.  That had to help a bit.  Your emotions should get better also if you feel better, i will keep my fingers crossed.

It is 52 here today.  I have clothes hanging on the line.  They are drying great too!!  I have posted pics before of me hanging clothes out in the winter!!  I go tromping thru the snow to get this done!!!  Im nuts i tell ya!!  lol

[mkh9]

Hi Dominosarah,
Sounds like it is starting to get cold there. But, you seem to have adjusted to it. Have you lived there all  your life? I love the ocean whether or not I swim in it. My family used to go fishing on the pier or barge in the summer when I was a kid. When I lived in Phoenix, I could deal with not being near the ocean and I moved back to California as soon as I could. It is crowded here, expensive and has its own issues. But, I always feel at peace when I walk on the beach. I guess it is much like walking in the forest. Funny that you hang your clothes on the line when it is snowing. Don't the clothes get wet? It is funny. I don't know if the cortisone takes time to start working as I feel my usual pain today. So, I think the lidocaine wore off and back came the pain. We'll see if it works within a month if not well then it didn't work. Well, hope you have a good day. I'm going to take my husband out to dinner tomorrow if I can to a fish restuarant at the beach. It is kind of loud and the seats aren't comfortable (I'm bringing a seat pillow though I'll look like an old lady, LOL) but the ocean view is really nice and the food is good.  I hope he gets his mind off of things.
take care,
mkh9
mkh9

[mkh9]

How are you today? Did you have a good weekend?  I made it to the fish restuarant at the beach . I was hoping to go to celebrate my husbands birthday and I was able to go. He seemed like he enjoyed himself and that is great. The food was really good as usual and a nice ocean view. I brought pillow this time because it hurts a lot to sit on the wood chairs. So, now I know I can tolerate the wood chairs as long as I bring a pillow. That opens up a couple of other resturants. The next day I paid for it though, with a lot of pain or  muscle spasms so I don't think the cortisone is working. However, since the shot I have been sleeping more during the day. Oh well, I'll have to go back to the doctor.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Oh i love fish!!  I am glad you got to go out and have a nice time with your husband.  That is good for our "feel goods"!!  How have you been doing emotionally with all of this?  Have you thought about acupuncture?

I have a meeting tonight thru work.  It is alcohol awareness class.  The local PD put it on.  We are constantly dealing with underage people trying to buy alcohol and it is against the law to sell to them, we are stuck with a horrendous fine if we do.  Some of the laws have changed so this is a crash course tonight.  We get paid for it so that is a plus!!

Hope you are feeling better today~~~

[mkh9]

HI and thanks for your support. I am doing OK emotionally. I'm not depressed but concerned about possibly having to go on meds that might give very bad side effects. I have had lots and lots of accupunture and some biofeedback. Once in a while the accupunture would work for a day or two but mostly not. So it wasn't worth the cost (insurance doesnt' pay for it). I do have a counselor I talk to once ever other week though she really just listens (not too much feedback). Usually all of the drugs I have tried gave me really bad side affects, not that great. So, I'm not sure what do next. I just strained my back last night again. This happens about once or twice a month. I still went out and walked this morning. It was beautiful out. Today is my husbands birthday and I hope he likes his presents. I hope your class goes well tonight. I don't know where you get all the energy! Hope you have a good rest of the day.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

What sort of meds are they thinking about?  The side effects can sometimes be worse than the actual problem.  I wish i could just wiggle my nose and make you all better.  It worked for Samantha and Tabitha!!!!  lol

My class tonight was very interesting.  The average age of kids starting to drink is 12 now and they are getting their alcohol at home.  The speaker was from the Alcohol Gambling Enforcement agency.  He showed us the new ways kids are getting drunk, i was floored by some of this.  We all just sat there with our mouths open.  One of the ways is to put liquor in your eye balls, the downside is you lose your eyesight, girls are also soaking tampons in liquor.  I just sat there with my mouth open.  Drinking has become the No1 addiction with teenagers right now.  It is growing by leaps and bounds.  So many are losing their life due to alcohol poisoning.  I left there very grateful that i am in recovery and never took anyones life by my poor actions.

So did your husband like his present from you?!!  I bet he LOVED it!!

[mkh9]

Well, mostly antidepressants or combo's like Cymbalta or Sevella. I've already been on Vicadin and Tramadol. I couldn't take vicadin i got total insomnia from it. Tramadol worked for about a month then I got breathing problems and insomina. I haven't had any pain meds for a year and a half. I did take Flexeril for 9 months, NSAID's, tylenol. What I want is something to knock the pain down but not make me sick. It would be best on days when I hurt myself (flare ups)  for few days. But due to the arrythmia and taking klonopin and Imitrex for my migraine variant it is harder. I am not really depressed just get down at times because I am not doing anything much. Anyway, I walked a few more steps today and keep slowly increasing with that at least. It does sound like you had a very interesting meeting. I can't believe kids are so stupid. Put alcohol in you eyes? Duh? Tampons in liquor, LOL. Kids don't think and there is a lot of peer pressure. My first year in high school was tough I was down and my mom had told me that my dad wasn't really my dad and that she had done a bunch of stuff which I won't repeat on here so I tried pot twice because my "friends" did it. I didn't know it was illegal, duh. After my mom found out about it I was so embarrased I didn't do anything else. That was good thing. I then got straight A's the rest of the three years and was top on the tennis team. Tennis was my big escape. It is too bad more kids can't escape by jogging, tennis, hiking whatever. It is a hard life. My husband and his brother and sister didn't get into drugs but he said all the kids he knew in high school in Malibu were addicted. Kids need a class on what can happen to you if...as they don't know you can die at that age due to alcohol intoxication. A trip to an ICU where someone was paralyzed or a morgue due drunk driving might help some. Anyway, I'm glad you didn't hurt anyone either but you did hurt yourself. I'm glad you have come so far. Dinner was good last night and we got a tirmisu for dessert which was very yummy. He really liked his gifts, funny especially the magazine. Small things in life. He laughed at the card I made him. It was pretty silly. Have a good day.
mkh9

[mkh9]

How is your day going? Did it snow?  It is going to rain here tomorrow but cold here is not like the cold there. I went to the dentist for a cleaning and he found a lot of bone loss where I have my old root canal. That tooth may have to go. I really don't want any more done on me right now but not much you can do about it. He thinks it may be cracked underneat the crown. Not much else going on here.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

No snow here yet!!  The wind is blowing like crazy today.  The weatherman did mention snow flurries mid week.  Hope he is wrong!!!

Did the cortisone work yet?  Hows the toe?  I hate the dentist!  The drill makes me crazy.  I sit with goose bumps the whole time!!!  The only thing i like is the smell of cloves, reminds me of my grandmas house.

Hope you are feeling better and able to get around more.  Sorry this has taken so long.  I picked up some extra shifts at work.  Christmas is coming and i need the money!!!

[mkh9]

It is cold here for San Diego, about 52 high and 44 low. That is probably good weather to you! No the cortisone hasn't worked or it doesn't seem like it. I go back to the doc in two weeks. The toe nail cracked today almost all around, and it bled for quite a while. So, I think it is going to come off (I hope). Kind of gross eh? Yes I get tight leg muscles when I go to the dentist. I find out Monday what is wrong with the tooth. It sounds like the dentist thinks it will have to come out or something. I'm frankly tired of getting problems and what my health back. This will be the 3rd Christmas and Thanksgiving where I will be alone as my husband goes to visit his mother and sister her husband during the holidays. I usually go with him but still can't sit in the car for the 3-4 hour drive. Oh well, we will have our own celebration. They are supposed to come out and visit before Thanksgiving but it isn't the same to me. I am walking more but not the toe is pretty sore so we'll if I can keep it up tomorrow. It rained a lot yesterday. We needed it though for the snow pack in the Sierras where we get our drinking water. We had a severe drought for a couple of years and had to really cut back on using water. There were even fining people if they watered on the wrong day. This year they lifted the restrictions. Well, hope you have a good weekend.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

You get your water from the Sierra's?  Interesting!

I hang clothes out with those warm temps!!!

You want your toenail to come off??  That sounds painful too!!  I hope you start to feel better.  You have had enough to last a lifetime.  Get the tooth taken care of, that way that is done.

How are you doing otherwise?  I worry about you feeling down.

[mkh9]

Yes we get our water from up north and the send it all the way down to San Diego. We have a reservoir here but the sources is up in the mountains. I figured you would thing our temps are warm, burr to us. Yes the old dead toe nail has to come off either by lifting off or by going forward. It is craked all the way around except one area. Then the new nail can come in. I'm taking oral lamisil to kill off the fungus in the old nail and that is why it is coming off. The podiatrist cut off half of it and then it grew a little more but now it is craking. I may have to go back to the podiatrist to make sure it is ok. I think I have been down a bit since the cortisone didn't work and it is hard to get out of this atrophied state. I am walking more but not doing much during the day as I can't do a lot like cleaning the house or going shopping. It is hard. My husband and I got into an argument on Friday morning I don't know why. I talked to my friend about it and then my husband and things seem to be back to normal. I think I feel vulnerable because I rely on my husband to do some things I can't do and I'm used to being so independant. I don't think I 'm clinically depressed but I try to keep on eye on my mood. I'm trying to force myself to read and play on line games and chess to keep my mind active. It is hard to have struggled to get through college, get all that experience, then get tendonitis in both wrists and can't do my jobs. Then my brother in law gets a brain tumor , my husbands dad had parkinsons and we were caregivers, now I have this back problem. It sometimes is too much. I shouldn't complain though my friend has it worse. She has lupus, both discoid and systemic, and went blind from her mediation after getting her masters degree then she got breast cancer. She is doing pretty well considering. I just want to get out of this situation and go on with fun stuff and maybe work part time. At least I'd like to be normal with activities and be able to go on vacation and stuff. Anyway, tomorrow I'm off to the dentist wish me luck that it isn't too serious and then next week to my back doctor. My husband and I went out to lunch yesterday so that was nice. It rained again and this afternoon today will be raining again. Hope you have a good day. Sorry I am venting so much lately.
mkh9

[dominosarah]

You can vent all you want.  That is what i am here for.  Your medical issues are yours so dont try to downplay them.  They are affecting your life in many ways.  You have always been the strong one, taken care of yourself and others and now you need the help and i do believe that is causing stress on you now.  It is that control thing we all battle.  Arguments are normal with couples.  Right now i am being a complete jerk to mine, why? cuz he wont argue with me.  I hate it when someone has me figured out!!

Gotta head for work so will talk to you when i get home!  Chin up my friend, it is okay to be getting the help you need now.       sara

[mkh9]

Hi Sara,
You are right about the "control thing" causing me stress. I feel I'm not putting enough work into the house or our  relationship. It is funny I used to tell my mom it takes two to argue when she fought with my step dad. Once she really got that she stopped all the big arguments. You husband must be funny or kind or both. You seem to understand me. It is nice to be able to talk to someone like this.
have a good night at work!
mkh9

[mkh9]

Is it better to talk via messages than on here or does it matter? Hope you are having a good day? It is not raining today and blue skies yeah!  I went to the dentist yesterday and have a crack in my tooth that they can't repair so it is coming out tomorrow. I hope it is an easy extraction (not like the wisdom teeth, ouch). I'll be back to eating mush, LOL.  They said either a bridge or a implant. Anyway, it is a slow day today not much going on. I have to rest up for tomorrows fun (not). How many hours do you work a day or week? Do you have plans for the holiday? I'm starting to think about it as I shop on line. I'd rather do Christmas without presents but it is fun to get them, so ... anyway I can't believe we're in November.
have  a good day.
mkh9

[mkh9]

Hi Sarah,
Hi how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you aren't mad at me for saying that maybe we should talk elsewhere?
mkh9

[dominosarah]

Oh god no i am not mad at all!!  I just finished 2 weeks of work with 1 day off.  Im too old to be doing this!!!  lol

We can talk elsewhere if you would be more comfortable.  I can give you my email address but will pm you that.

[mkh9]

Oh that is good. I didn't think so but I saw you respond to several other posts and hadn't head back after that last comment. I will check your message.
mkh9