wasting my time

He came back, promising to earn my trust...etc...
That lasted less than a week.  Said he was going to help out a friend, turns out he was getting drunk.  I went and picked him up and had a friend come over and try to talk with me to him.
He said he is wrong in the head, wants to kill himself, and leave the life insurance to me.
he also said, this is the way he is and has always been.  that has not always been true, but has for a long time.
I told him, that was fine, i don't want to be with that person, and we need to call it quits, for good this time.  he refused to hear that, and kept shaking his head no.
I wrote a letter to his parents, begging for help, he just laughed at that.  I told them, he was suicidal, but I never heard back from them.  
I was calm, but he just kept egging me on, until i actually clawed at my own face, and bit him and hit him and threw things at him.
This has to be the end.  when he claimed, this is who he is...words to a song came into my head, "she stopped loving him today".  I am in love with the man he was, I hate the man he has become.  I can't even call him a man, he is a coward.
I attend al anon, but one part peeves me off.  When they claim alcoholism is just like being diabetic.  B.S.!  I have been diabetic for 33 yrs, and do everything i can to stay healthy.  I did not choice to have a pancreas that doesn't function, but he does choice to drink.  My condition, does not ruin other people lives, or even effect them.
He claims to worry sick about me, because 4 yrs ago, I had a reaction while i was asleep, forgot to eat before i went to bed, and had to call an ambulance.
he says he checks on me while i sleep...how can you do that, if you never come home?
The question...when does the hurting stop?  How long before you realize, there's not going to be a miracle, and the person you once loved so dearly, is gone.

[sunny129]

I think you probably already realize there is not going to be a miracle.  And the hurting will stop when you accept that.  Don't get me wrong - there will be a period of grief - but it will get better.  Like you said, the person you love is gone.  
Look at what his behavior is doing to you "clawed at your face, bit him, threw things at him" - that happened to me - one time during an argument I picked up a large kitchen knife and wanted to kill my husband - or course I didn't (wouldn't be here if I did) - but that made me stop and see just how sick I was getting.  That was when I decided to do whatever had to be done to free myself.  It took a few years, but with the support of Al Anon I was able to get off the merry-go-round.  You can "talk" to the alcoholic until the cows come home - that will not change him.  Instead put all that energy into talking to other Al Anon members - that is what will help you.  Good Luck - and keep posting - we are here to listen

[nyychic]

It's about all you can do is keep hoping.  It took many broken promises and no help from his or my family.  In fact my sister and his brother would always offer him drinks for a long time after he quit (the final time) not "believing" he is an alcoholic.  My sister lives 5 states away not so much a big deal but his brother lived right down the road.  It's tough and if he gets sober you will have to be willing to get over alot of pain that he'll never be able to really "make-up" for.  I wish you luch and I'll pray for your family.  I've been there and know the pain it causes.

[secondwind]

I, too, am in love with an alcoholic.  More so the person he is when he's sober, not the person he is when he's drunk.  I have about had it, too.  I read a great book called Love First by Debra Jay that tells you how to conduct an intervention.  I am going to try it within the next few weeks.  The book says that it is successful 85% of the time.  I am willing to try anything, because I can't live like this any longer.  You need to take care of yourself before you can try to take care of your man.  I will send good thoughts your way and hope that in some way I can help.  By the way, my husband is not only an alcoholic, but he's a Type 1 diabetic and has bipolar disorder!  Yikes!