Aa
Al-Anon Questions
Has anyone here actually attended an Al-Anon meeting? I'm waffling about going - not because I don't want to talk about about my life or anything but more that I don't see the point. Meetings are all at night and across town from me, and I can't see worth a darn to drive after dark unless it's very local and my autopilot can take over.
My DH is both a drug addict and an alcholic, who also happens to have pretty severe PTSD. Some combination, huh? I've had a pain shrink on board for 5 years and finally got DH to go see her for himself. That was maybe 9 months ago. The more he got into the PTSD problem, the more he abused drugs and alcohol. All those emotions scare the crap out of him, which I completely understand, but anesthetizing himself is only making it worse.
This isn't his first rodeo. DH was clean from drugs when we met, and he stayed that way until roughly 1993. Then came some medical problems here and there and it was off to the races with prescription meds. And they're so much more fun with alcohol. :-/ I divorced him in 1998 when he refused to go to rehab or even admit that he was addicted again. Off he went with his biker friends who were more than happy to support his behavior - particularly since he had a great job and likes to buy rounds for everyone. Within 6 months after the divorce he nearly lost his job and finally got the wakeup call. He stayed clean and "mostly" sober and we remarried in 2005. You know exactly where this is going, don't you?
DH was laid off from his job of 20 years shortly after we remarried. Looking back, that was the beginning of the end. It's been nothing but downhill ever since with 3 more jobs and 3 more layoffs. While alcholism was the documented reason he was let go in February 2009, that's really what it was. His productivity was shot. Having a home office didn't help matters either. He got up at 8:00, hit the desk around 9:00 and started drinking at noon thinking he was hiding it from me and everyone else. Not. He shopped 3 different doctors to keep the meds coming in and finally that wasn't enough so he went to the streets.
Meanwhile, I've been disabled and unable to work. DH has been ranting at me for years to go on Social Security Disability and I just will not do it. Why? Because it will just go down his dam throat. With a $20,000 a year booze bill and little to no money coming in, you'd think he'd wake up right? No. (dumb question, I know.) If I hadn't paid off the house three years ago we'd be in the streets right now.
Once DH admitted he's an addict and an alcoholic, it got worse. It's like he gave himself permission to do the one thing he's really good at: abusing drugs and alcohol. A few months ago he finally tackled the drug issue with suboxone. Great! Going to therapy too. Great! Then came the jump from 2 mg of suboxone last month. Not so great. He lasted two weeks but went through over a case of beer every single day. He went back on the suboxone, which is fine since it's only 1 mg and for only a couple more weeks. What's not fine is that he's still downing a case of beer every single day. And it can't be domestic. No. He's a discrimminating, high-class alcoholic. It has to be Corona.
It was bad enough in the '90's but this is beyond anything I ever imagined. The man has no consequences. He's lost everything so what else is there to lose if he keeps drinking? If I could support myself I'd be gone, but I'm stuck here watching this dam train wreck in progress.
I have never issued an ultimatum. I know they aren't effective. What I have done is protect myself in a way by insisting that he stay the h*ll away from me at the end of the day when he's incoherent. If I'm in bed at 7:00 pm, that means leave me alone. It took awhile, but at least he remembers that much. I also refuse to buy his booze for him. Even if it means he finds the car keys to go out and get more, I won't do it. I hate to put the lives of others in jeopardy, but I just cannot enable his disease. I stopped going to parties with him a long time ago. He's too embarrassing. You should know you have a big problem when even the biker community gets fed up with you.
Making matters worse is the fact that I have a nice inheritance coming in from my mother who died in March. If something doesn't happen soon, I can see exactly where it's all going to end up. I won't allow it. Hopefully I can catch his two-hour window of semi-sobriety tomorrow and lay it out. The only money I will spend on him will be for inpatient rehab. Our savings is about gone and he says he's too sick from PTSD (note the lack of any mention of substance abuse) to work. Matter of fact, he says he's too sick to mow the yard or do anything in house. His right arm is the only part of his body that gets any exercise at all.
I've survived my own ill health, my own layoffs, his layoffs, financial problems, 14" of flood water in the house last year, being the primary caregiver for my mother, and finally her death the dismantling of her estate. That final straw is floating through the air aimed straight for the camel's back. Any bets on the reaction I'm going to get when I vocalize the dreaded "R" word?
I just can't go on like this for much longer, and frankly neither can DH. He knows dam well that alcohol is bigger than he is, but he's given up. It's so much easier to go ahead and drown and die in it than change! Back to my original question, even though I'm seeing a pain shrink with addiction experience, would Al-Anon be of much more benefit than hanging out in online forums? I see a lot of posts here from people with AA experience, but haven't heard much about Al-Anon than "it's great!" It's not easy for me to get out of the house, but if I have to I will.
If anyone's still here after all that mess, thanks for reading. Guess I had more to vomit out than I thought, and that's only 20,000-foot view.
My DH is both a drug addict and an alcholic, who also happens to have pretty severe PTSD. Some combination, huh? I've had a pain shrink on board for 5 years and finally got DH to go see her for himself. That was maybe 9 months ago. The more he got into the PTSD problem, the more he abused drugs and alcohol. All those emotions scare the crap out of him, which I completely understand, but anesthetizing himself is only making it worse.
This isn't his first rodeo. DH was clean from drugs when we met, and he stayed that way until roughly 1993. Then came some medical problems here and there and it was off to the races with prescription meds. And they're so much more fun with alcohol. :-/ I divorced him in 1998 when he refused to go to rehab or even admit that he was addicted again. Off he went with his biker friends who were more than happy to support his behavior - particularly since he had a great job and likes to buy rounds for everyone. Within 6 months after the divorce he nearly lost his job and finally got the wakeup call. He stayed clean and "mostly" sober and we remarried in 2005. You know exactly where this is going, don't you?
DH was laid off from his job of 20 years shortly after we remarried. Looking back, that was the beginning of the end. It's been nothing but downhill ever since with 3 more jobs and 3 more layoffs. While alcholism was the documented reason he was let go in February 2009, that's really what it was. His productivity was shot. Having a home office didn't help matters either. He got up at 8:00, hit the desk around 9:00 and started drinking at noon thinking he was hiding it from me and everyone else. Not. He shopped 3 different doctors to keep the meds coming in and finally that wasn't enough so he went to the streets.
Meanwhile, I've been disabled and unable to work. DH has been ranting at me for years to go on Social Security Disability and I just will not do it. Why? Because it will just go down his dam throat. With a $20,000 a year booze bill and little to no money coming in, you'd think he'd wake up right? No. (dumb question, I know.) If I hadn't paid off the house three years ago we'd be in the streets right now.
Once DH admitted he's an addict and an alcoholic, it got worse. It's like he gave himself permission to do the one thing he's really good at: abusing drugs and alcohol. A few months ago he finally tackled the drug issue with suboxone. Great! Going to therapy too. Great! Then came the jump from 2 mg of suboxone last month. Not so great. He lasted two weeks but went through over a case of beer every single day. He went back on the suboxone, which is fine since it's only 1 mg and for only a couple more weeks. What's not fine is that he's still downing a case of beer every single day. And it can't be domestic. No. He's a discrimminating, high-class alcoholic. It has to be Corona.
It was bad enough in the '90's but this is beyond anything I ever imagined. The man has no consequences. He's lost everything so what else is there to lose if he keeps drinking? If I could support myself I'd be gone, but I'm stuck here watching this dam train wreck in progress.
I have never issued an ultimatum. I know they aren't effective. What I have done is protect myself in a way by insisting that he stay the h*ll away from me at the end of the day when he's incoherent. If I'm in bed at 7:00 pm, that means leave me alone. It took awhile, but at least he remembers that much. I also refuse to buy his booze for him. Even if it means he finds the car keys to go out and get more, I won't do it. I hate to put the lives of others in jeopardy, but I just cannot enable his disease. I stopped going to parties with him a long time ago. He's too embarrassing. You should know you have a big problem when even the biker community gets fed up with you.
Making matters worse is the fact that I have a nice inheritance coming in from my mother who died in March. If something doesn't happen soon, I can see exactly where it's all going to end up. I won't allow it. Hopefully I can catch his two-hour window of semi-sobriety tomorrow and lay it out. The only money I will spend on him will be for inpatient rehab. Our savings is about gone and he says he's too sick from PTSD (note the lack of any mention of substance abuse) to work. Matter of fact, he says he's too sick to mow the yard or do anything in house. His right arm is the only part of his body that gets any exercise at all.
I've survived my own ill health, my own layoffs, his layoffs, financial problems, 14" of flood water in the house last year, being the primary caregiver for my mother, and finally her death the dismantling of her estate. That final straw is floating through the air aimed straight for the camel's back. Any bets on the reaction I'm going to get when I vocalize the dreaded "R" word?
I just can't go on like this for much longer, and frankly neither can DH. He knows dam well that alcohol is bigger than he is, but he's given up. It's so much easier to go ahead and drown and die in it than change! Back to my original question, even though I'm seeing a pain shrink with addiction experience, would Al-Anon be of much more benefit than hanging out in online forums? I see a lot of posts here from people with AA experience, but haven't heard much about Al-Anon than "it's great!" It's not easy for me to get out of the house, but if I have to I will.
If anyone's still here after all that mess, thanks for reading. Guess I had more to vomit out than I thought, and that's only 20,000-foot view.
COMMUNITY LEADER
U r such a lucky woman dear!9 out of 10 women stay with and alcoholic/addicted spouse while 9 out of 10 men will leave an alcoholic/addicted woman!I am glad u woke up and smelled the coffee:)and happy he supports u on ur recovery!:)
It is so sad to read these posts,as an alcoholic you think you are only hurting yourself but obviously that is dead wrong,my husband used to tell me I was drinking too much,I ignored him and it just got worse and worse,he never really got angry with me,I just told him I'm an alcoholic and that was my green light to drink as often and as much as I liked.I wonder now if he felt as you do,and I just didn't see what he was feeling because I was too wrapped up in myself.I'm now clean 318 days and I wish I could take back the 34 years that I abused alcohol and the 20 years that I abused codeine.I love my husband so much as he stood by me we are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary next month.There is always hope Good Luck
Denise
Denise
COMMUNITY LEADER
mixing alcohol suboxone and opiates can prove deadly....getting an OVI can also cause him to detox in jail which mite be ideal!u deserve a better life my dear...this we ALL know here.....and u will have to create it for urself.....u r in my prayers and healing wishes!those animals need u as their healthy guardian!:)
Forgot to add that I flushed my own pills last night before DH got home. I heard him rummaging in the cabinet and nearly laughed out loud. Gone! Even though I take as prescribed, I want this crap out of the house and out of my life. That means I get to do my own detox from the fentanyl patch. I know it won't be fun, and expect the pain will be awful but hopefully the mental skills I've learned in therapy will help me through it. Who knows? Maybe my pain levels aren't as bad by now? I cut the fentanyl dose by a third a couple years ago with my doctor's involvement and ended up in pretty bad withdrawal. Part of that whole experience was a shocking pain spike for a few weeks but it did fall off and I never asked for another increase.
Maybe I'm taking on too much all at once. I don't know. All I know for sure is that I have to change my life and I don't want to wait one more day to get started.
Maybe I'm taking on too much all at once. I don't know. All I know for sure is that I have to change my life and I don't want to wait one more day to get started.
Up early this morning, and would actually welcome waking up as a gaseous dog sandwich. LOL!
For the first time in months DH went out bar hopping on the motorcyle. I'm 99% certain he was buying drugs from his old supplier as well, but I'm forcing myself not to take inventory. I remember hearing him come in around 11:30 but thankfully went back to sleep. Woke up at 4:30 and the kerosene outgassing from his body is so overwhelming I couldn't stay in the room.
Now for the really bad news. I'm in pain management and have been on opiate therapy for 5 years. As prescribed. Even with DH being an active addict and alcoholic, he never once disturbed my medications. Until this weekend. I knew he was getting to the point of being out of suboxone and it was odd that he wasn't talking about the upcoming jump. Guess I know why. He has no intention of quitting. The detox "doctor" is nothing but a quack who wants the cash flow from maintenance patients. He can't do it alone and won't get real help. Then there was the "visit" to his old supplier that was attended by such a fairy story it should really be published. How stupid does the man think I am?
And no, I haven't busted him on any of this. I don't have the energy and with all the reading and thinking I've done over the weekend I don't really want to know anymore details. I don't know why I'm so nervous about the Al-Anon meeting tonight, but I am. I've never been a socialite or public speaker, and always express myself better through writing than speaking. No worries - I'm going, just nervous for some reason. It's going to be one long day.
For the first time in months DH went out bar hopping on the motorcyle. I'm 99% certain he was buying drugs from his old supplier as well, but I'm forcing myself not to take inventory. I remember hearing him come in around 11:30 but thankfully went back to sleep. Woke up at 4:30 and the kerosene outgassing from his body is so overwhelming I couldn't stay in the room.
Now for the really bad news. I'm in pain management and have been on opiate therapy for 5 years. As prescribed. Even with DH being an active addict and alcoholic, he never once disturbed my medications. Until this weekend. I knew he was getting to the point of being out of suboxone and it was odd that he wasn't talking about the upcoming jump. Guess I know why. He has no intention of quitting. The detox "doctor" is nothing but a quack who wants the cash flow from maintenance patients. He can't do it alone and won't get real help. Then there was the "visit" to his old supplier that was attended by such a fairy story it should really be published. How stupid does the man think I am?
And no, I haven't busted him on any of this. I don't have the energy and with all the reading and thinking I've done over the weekend I don't really want to know anymore details. I don't know why I'm so nervous about the Al-Anon meeting tonight, but I am. I've never been a socialite or public speaker, and always express myself better through writing than speaking. No worries - I'm going, just nervous for some reason. It's going to be one long day.
COMMUNITY LEADER
LOL!i can picture what u r describing having been there many times myself in that doggone position!but the gas has passed!:)
Now that is a true gift! There's just nothing like snuggling up with a mutt to rid yourself of stress and anxiety. I love it when a new dog trusts me enough to sleep with me on the couch or bed. Doc still won't occupy the same sleeping space with DH, but if he's not around that crazy dog is practically sprawled on top of me. With Doc on one side and Maggie on the other, I've often been completely mummified and trapped in the bed by the dogs. One each: dog sandwich. Good thing they don't tend to have gas since I usually wake up with a dog bum for a pillow. :-D
COMMUNITY LEADER
i'm so glad u have your church and the support of the ppl there!No doubt you find some peace and solace from the monster your hub has become...how sad he has allowed himself to become what he is.We are powerless over other ppl!I'm not a social butterfly either.....I spend my work week amongst many troubled humans....and there are those seeking recovery which is a blessing....they balance the disturbed humanity I see.I so totally love the company of my animals.Just awoke from a 3 hour nap and my newly adopted female gorgeous red fawn greyhound was napping with me!And there are some good humans out there....i dumped the drinking/ druggie ones 26 years ago and have found some enjoyable ones to be around on occasion.
Actually, if he passed away I could live on the income from inherited investments. Probably would sell the house and some other assets and move to an apartment since I can't handle much in the way of maintenance anymore. I won't apply for disability while he's actively abusing, and I have made my position very clear to him on many occasions. So yes, I've thought about it.
There really aren't any friends left. They all drink and that's another thing I laid down in the past year: no more drunken parties out by the pool. These people kept asking me, "What's wrong with him?" I say, he's an addict and alcoholic, why don't you go talk to him about it. Naturally none of them did. I assume they've moved their party headquarters to more obliging locations. DH misses them, but I don't. A real "friend" wouldn't hesitate to confront this kind of behavior, so they obviously weren't friends to begin with.
For myself, I've never been a social butterfly. I can take it or leave it and have always been perfectly comfortable living alone with my own thoughts. The worst part of this is that I've lost the one person who used to be my best friend. DH can be friend to nobody while he is ruled by the bottle.
My one outlet is music, and what remaining true friends I have are from church. If anyone had ever told me I'd turn into a "church person" even a few years ago I'd never have believed it. LOL! I've been attending the same Methodist church since 1993, but didn't get truly involved until about 5 years ago. It's a low-key congregation of down-to-earth people, which makes it appealing to me. Even DH loves the red-neck Texan who is serving as pastor - that is, when he can get out of bed early enough to go.
I agree I need to find a way to stop focusing on DH's life and do something about my own. Looking back, I see I have tried to cope by withdrawing from life. Not all of that is due to DH. Chronic illness plays its own part in that. If not for my dogs, I may never leave the house and communicate with anyone. LOL!
There really aren't any friends left. They all drink and that's another thing I laid down in the past year: no more drunken parties out by the pool. These people kept asking me, "What's wrong with him?" I say, he's an addict and alcoholic, why don't you go talk to him about it. Naturally none of them did. I assume they've moved their party headquarters to more obliging locations. DH misses them, but I don't. A real "friend" wouldn't hesitate to confront this kind of behavior, so they obviously weren't friends to begin with.
For myself, I've never been a social butterfly. I can take it or leave it and have always been perfectly comfortable living alone with my own thoughts. The worst part of this is that I've lost the one person who used to be my best friend. DH can be friend to nobody while he is ruled by the bottle.
My one outlet is music, and what remaining true friends I have are from church. If anyone had ever told me I'd turn into a "church person" even a few years ago I'd never have believed it. LOL! I've been attending the same Methodist church since 1993, but didn't get truly involved until about 5 years ago. It's a low-key congregation of down-to-earth people, which makes it appealing to me. Even DH loves the red-neck Texan who is serving as pastor - that is, when he can get out of bed early enough to go.
I agree I need to find a way to stop focusing on DH's life and do something about my own. Looking back, I see I have tried to cope by withdrawing from life. Not all of that is due to DH. Chronic illness plays its own part in that. If not for my dogs, I may never leave the house and communicate with anyone. LOL!
COMMUNITY LEADER
well since u say u cannot financially leave then u will live there and find a way to live AROUND him!what would u do if he passed away from all of this?al- anon is such a help....do u have somewhat sane female friends?what activities do you get out of the house to do and i totally understand u not wanting to leave your furred/feathered companions there with him!i have 2 retired greyhounds three rescued cats....they are such a joy and anchor in my life....and yes the unconditional love!And Westguy:)they are work and committment but the pay-off to us animal loving folk and recovering folk is well worth it...right Purbeckgirl?:)
Hmmm... I wonder if Al-anon would be more attractive to newcomers if they had a "Bring Your Dog to Meeting Night?" "Coping Through Canine Fellowship"? I'd bite.
Thanks sammy. It does give me some hope to hear about any alcoholic who pulls himself out of the abyss for whatever reason. Congratulations! My husband is a terribly stubborn man, and that quality cuts both ways. Once he decided to go to drug detox, he jumped right on in and severed all contact with people who use. On the other hand, since he is determined to keep drinking no ultimatum in the world will matter. He's already lost everything: job, self-respect, friends, and in many ways me, his wife.
I do love him - the real DH - but I can't go on living with a ghost. Actually, scratch that. I haven't been "in love" with him for a long time and it's all because of substance abuse. I see the hurting scared little boy in there who is paralyzed with fear and I try not take his nonsense reasoning seriously. He's playing the blame game right now and since I'm the one he sees every day, I make an easy target. In some ways, I almost wish he were an abusive, violent drunk. It would be easy enough to get him out of the house and into at least a 72 hour observation. Right now though, he is doing nothing illegal or immediately harmful to himself so rehab is entirely up to him.
I can see now that I have to find some way to live with him as a drunk until I can do something with my finances and health - that could take years but it's something to work on for myself. Ignoring the issue and trying to pretend that some kind of normalcy exists in our lives only puts off the day of reckoning. I hope the elephant in the living room will be removed from the endangered species list very soon. Whether his numbers enlarge or he goes extinct, only time will tell.
Thanks sammy. It does give me some hope to hear about any alcoholic who pulls himself out of the abyss for whatever reason. Congratulations! My husband is a terribly stubborn man, and that quality cuts both ways. Once he decided to go to drug detox, he jumped right on in and severed all contact with people who use. On the other hand, since he is determined to keep drinking no ultimatum in the world will matter. He's already lost everything: job, self-respect, friends, and in many ways me, his wife.
I do love him - the real DH - but I can't go on living with a ghost. Actually, scratch that. I haven't been "in love" with him for a long time and it's all because of substance abuse. I see the hurting scared little boy in there who is paralyzed with fear and I try not take his nonsense reasoning seriously. He's playing the blame game right now and since I'm the one he sees every day, I make an easy target. In some ways, I almost wish he were an abusive, violent drunk. It would be easy enough to get him out of the house and into at least a 72 hour observation. Right now though, he is doing nothing illegal or immediately harmful to himself so rehab is entirely up to him.
I can see now that I have to find some way to live with him as a drunk until I can do something with my finances and health - that could take years but it's something to work on for myself. Ignoring the issue and trying to pretend that some kind of normalcy exists in our lives only puts off the day of reckoning. I hope the elephant in the living room will be removed from the endangered species list very soon. Whether his numbers enlarge or he goes extinct, only time will tell.
Hi, I was like your husband this time last year, I was a good for nothing (only drinking) layabout. I, with the help of my family got sober. I really had to be pushed into it,I knew I was an alcoholic and needed to stop but the drink is clever and I always found an excuse.
Once I was sober for a couple of weeks and the bad withdrawl was over I was happy to be dry, I think If one can get a few weeks sober then they can see the extent of their dependance on alcohol.
I might be wrong, but sometimes the reality of an ultimatium does the trick, it did for me.
Once I was sober for a couple of weeks and the bad withdrawl was over I was happy to be dry, I think If one can get a few weeks sober then they can see the extent of their dependance on alcohol.
I might be wrong, but sometimes the reality of an ultimatium does the trick, it did for me.
LOL! My dogs have kept my sanity together on more than one occasion. No way would I leave them here without me. DH wouldn't abuse them, but he certainly would "forget" to feed them or give them meds. As long as I have my critters to take care, I'll survive. The one in the pic is Maggie. She's a 7-year-old rescue lab x dalmatian mix with one blue eye and one brown eye, who loves to hog the bed. She's the sweetest dog we've ever had, and her coat is like a plush baby toy. Makes it nice to snug with her in bed in the winter. ;-)
Doc Holliday is a rescue dalmatian and we have no idea how old he is - at least 5 by now but who really knows? Doc is "my" dog entirely. I was the one who trained him from day one and he never leaves my side.
What's funny is that Doc picked up on the worsening drug and alcohol abuse well before I did. This is a dog who loves everyone, human or canine. He refused to acknowlege DH at all. By bedtime when DH was a slobbering staggering slurring waste of humanity, Doc wouldn't let him come near. DH has the bite scars on his face and arms to prove it and still insists the behavior had nothing to do with his usage. I can't tell you how much blood has been shed in the last year or so. Weekends were always the worst. Once he got on the suboxone and wasn't quite so "gone" Doc warmed up to him and there have been no further biting incidents. Still a lot of growling and avoidance, but no biting. Doc is a dog who needs stability in his life and DH isn't exactly stable.
We also have two birds. Petey is an ancient cockatiel at 22 and quite the curmudgeon. Then there's Nick the quaker parrot who is either funny as h*ll or having a 2-year-old style temper tantrum and shrieking at the top of his beak. Too smart for his own good that one is.
I don't mind admitting that the critters are substitute kids. In many ways, they're even more comforting since they don't hold grudges - and they aren't drunks. :-)
Doc Holliday is a rescue dalmatian and we have no idea how old he is - at least 5 by now but who really knows? Doc is "my" dog entirely. I was the one who trained him from day one and he never leaves my side.
What's funny is that Doc picked up on the worsening drug and alcohol abuse well before I did. This is a dog who loves everyone, human or canine. He refused to acknowlege DH at all. By bedtime when DH was a slobbering staggering slurring waste of humanity, Doc wouldn't let him come near. DH has the bite scars on his face and arms to prove it and still insists the behavior had nothing to do with his usage. I can't tell you how much blood has been shed in the last year or so. Weekends were always the worst. Once he got on the suboxone and wasn't quite so "gone" Doc warmed up to him and there have been no further biting incidents. Still a lot of growling and avoidance, but no biting. Doc is a dog who needs stability in his life and DH isn't exactly stable.
We also have two birds. Petey is an ancient cockatiel at 22 and quite the curmudgeon. Then there's Nick the quaker parrot who is either funny as h*ll or having a 2-year-old style temper tantrum and shrieking at the top of his beak. Too smart for his own good that one is.
I don't mind admitting that the critters are substitute kids. In many ways, they're even more comforting since they don't hold grudges - and they aren't drunks. :-)
Apparently I need to get a dog lol
If I take this forum at face value a dog is evidently key to recovery :-)
If I take this forum at face value a dog is evidently key to recovery :-)
COMMUNITY LEADER
GOD is dog spelled backward!What a handsome or gorgeous canines pic here?husky and what else?how many dogs?so good of you not to leave them with hub....it seems as if he is a lost cause and has chosen his demise.Hope you don't let him destroy you any further!
Yes, life is ALL about DH. Funny how it sneaks up slowly and finally you have to be b***h slapped back into reality. I haven't had a life "with" him for quite a while. It took literally years to get him in to see the shrink, and I've played the cheerleader throughout thinking there was hope. Same thing with the drug detox. He did just enough to keep me hoping. Now that we're up against the alcohol monster - forget it.
DH just informed me that rehab is out of the question - either inpatient or outpatient. He still thinks he can do this alone. Someday. Whenever he "gets his mind right." He says I'm just trying to destroy him and force him back into the workplace so he can support me. Whatever. I know he'll say and do anything to keep the booze flowing.
I've gotten more active at church in music ministry this year. Music always takes me out of myself and gives me a second wind. It's impossible to dwell on anything - good or bad - when you're singing or playing music. And yes, DH gripes about it but too dam bad. That's the one thing I get to do just for me. I spend enough time on him as it is.
So, you've convinced me. I've found a new Alanon meeting closer to home. Meetings are Monday evenings so I'll drag myself there in a couple of days and see how it goes. I just don't see any alternatives for me right now. Since I can't work, I'm not self-supporting. There are no relatives I can stay with even temporarily, and I won't leave our dogs to the tender mercies of a drunk. So, I isolate myself with the exception of church activities and try to ignore the elephant in the living room.
If HE would leave, I'd spend some of my inheritance on an appartment for 6 months to get him started - either on recovery or death - but of course HE isn't the problem here. If I were a better wife, I'd kill myself and go back to work so he can sit alone in his office and drink without worrying how to pay for the next case.
The fact is, he couldn't hold down any kind of a job right now. His memory is shot, his hands shake so badly he can't hold a pen or a fork without dropping it, he's in and out of the bathroom constantly, the alcohol outgases like kerosene announcing the presence of an alcoholic, and he speaks so slowly and slurs that people often can't understand him.
I used to be a strong person. Over the past year and half, it's about gone. I've risen to disaster so many times and come out the other side but this one may have me beat. When I walked out in 1998 I was still healthy, confident and enjoyed my work. It's a 180 now. I'm sick, tired and worn out and the fragile little protective eggshell I've built around myself is cracking. God only knows what's going to hatch.
DH just informed me that rehab is out of the question - either inpatient or outpatient. He still thinks he can do this alone. Someday. Whenever he "gets his mind right." He says I'm just trying to destroy him and force him back into the workplace so he can support me. Whatever. I know he'll say and do anything to keep the booze flowing.
I've gotten more active at church in music ministry this year. Music always takes me out of myself and gives me a second wind. It's impossible to dwell on anything - good or bad - when you're singing or playing music. And yes, DH gripes about it but too dam bad. That's the one thing I get to do just for me. I spend enough time on him as it is.
So, you've convinced me. I've found a new Alanon meeting closer to home. Meetings are Monday evenings so I'll drag myself there in a couple of days and see how it goes. I just don't see any alternatives for me right now. Since I can't work, I'm not self-supporting. There are no relatives I can stay with even temporarily, and I won't leave our dogs to the tender mercies of a drunk. So, I isolate myself with the exception of church activities and try to ignore the elephant in the living room.
If HE would leave, I'd spend some of my inheritance on an appartment for 6 months to get him started - either on recovery or death - but of course HE isn't the problem here. If I were a better wife, I'd kill myself and go back to work so he can sit alone in his office and drink without worrying how to pay for the next case.
The fact is, he couldn't hold down any kind of a job right now. His memory is shot, his hands shake so badly he can't hold a pen or a fork without dropping it, he's in and out of the bathroom constantly, the alcohol outgases like kerosene announcing the presence of an alcoholic, and he speaks so slowly and slurs that people often can't understand him.
I used to be a strong person. Over the past year and half, it's about gone. I've risen to disaster so many times and come out the other side but this one may have me beat. When I walked out in 1998 I was still healthy, confident and enjoyed my work. It's a 180 now. I'm sick, tired and worn out and the fragile little protective eggshell I've built around myself is cracking. God only knows what's going to hatch.
Ultimatums DO work occasionally but they have to be stuck to. They have to be true ultimatums and not just empty threats, i.e. you actually have to do what you say you're going to do, which in this case is probaly leaving. As I am sure you are well, well, WELL aware of.. addicts are very good at manipulating their enablers. And yes, you are enabling him just as much through inaction as if you were buying the booze and handing it over.
Al-Anon is a very good step but I fear you need a lot more then that. This is a disastrous relationship obviously and it will absolutely not get better on its own. You know that. You've been through this game before.
IF you want to save your marriage then it really is intervention time. A real intervention that was set up and mediated by an intervention counselor. Thats pretty much the last option you have. If there are kids involved in the situation, young or adult, its the last option you have to save their father as well. Honestly, even if you don't want to save the marriage this is also your last option so that you can say with a clear conscience that you did everything you could before you left.
But....you can't be responsible for his decisions. He has to come to terms with his problem on his own and often the only time people will take action is in the face of a situation that they find worse then stopping the drugs or the drinking. In this case, losing his family to his addiction.
An intervention works much the same way you see on television except at the end of the part where everyone voices their concern and their pain he has to make a choice right then and there to enter treatment or not. And if the answer is yes he will leave immediately and enter a rehab facility that is already aware that he is coming. Your intervention counselor will walk you through these steps and set it up for you.
IF the answer is no then you and your family need to be prepared to sever all ties with him. Leave, and not have contact with him until he gets help for his problem.
At this age he probably is aware of what he is doing. He's admitted as much to you at least once, right? He knows he has a problem. Contrary to popular beliefs, alcoholics who are in the full throws of their disease will often know that they have a problem and need help. It's not so much the admitting it to yourself part that is hard as much as admitting it to others and admitting/asking that you need help. Trust me, on some level he's aware of all of this.
Or you can just cut your losses and leave. Honestly I think that sounds like a good option no matter what else you do. I'm not in your situation, nor can I truly appreciate what you are going through or know how it feels but from the outside it seems like you've done almost everything you could do and now it's time for drastic measures. Either way it seems as though this man hasn't been all that he should have been and has broken your heart and his promises.
Al Anon works much like AA it's just for helping people who are family/friends/close to alcoholics cope with their own problems in dealing with what that persons drinking has done to them, their enabling of that person, and the pain that they are going through. You will get a sponsor and work steps the same way someone in AA would. Is it worth it for you? I've never been but I have heard good things about it. At the very least it can't hurt and it can be a way for you to vent your frustrations and feelings to people who understand all too well what you're going through. I'd strongly suggest giving it a try for at least a few meetings and see. Because after all is said and done, whether you stay or leave, whether he gets help or not, its taken a toll on you and you're likely going to need some support in navigating this.
It's unfair to you that you've been through all of this. It's further unfair that you have more **** in front of you, but I'm confident you can make it through and come out on the other side. You seem to be a strong person (I'd expect nothing less from a Texan) and this is something you can handle. There is support out there for you. Not the least of which is right here on this forum.
Good luck.
Al-Anon is a very good step but I fear you need a lot more then that. This is a disastrous relationship obviously and it will absolutely not get better on its own. You know that. You've been through this game before.
IF you want to save your marriage then it really is intervention time. A real intervention that was set up and mediated by an intervention counselor. Thats pretty much the last option you have. If there are kids involved in the situation, young or adult, its the last option you have to save their father as well. Honestly, even if you don't want to save the marriage this is also your last option so that you can say with a clear conscience that you did everything you could before you left.
But....you can't be responsible for his decisions. He has to come to terms with his problem on his own and often the only time people will take action is in the face of a situation that they find worse then stopping the drugs or the drinking. In this case, losing his family to his addiction.
An intervention works much the same way you see on television except at the end of the part where everyone voices their concern and their pain he has to make a choice right then and there to enter treatment or not. And if the answer is yes he will leave immediately and enter a rehab facility that is already aware that he is coming. Your intervention counselor will walk you through these steps and set it up for you.
IF the answer is no then you and your family need to be prepared to sever all ties with him. Leave, and not have contact with him until he gets help for his problem.
At this age he probably is aware of what he is doing. He's admitted as much to you at least once, right? He knows he has a problem. Contrary to popular beliefs, alcoholics who are in the full throws of their disease will often know that they have a problem and need help. It's not so much the admitting it to yourself part that is hard as much as admitting it to others and admitting/asking that you need help. Trust me, on some level he's aware of all of this.
Or you can just cut your losses and leave. Honestly I think that sounds like a good option no matter what else you do. I'm not in your situation, nor can I truly appreciate what you are going through or know how it feels but from the outside it seems like you've done almost everything you could do and now it's time for drastic measures. Either way it seems as though this man hasn't been all that he should have been and has broken your heart and his promises.
Al Anon works much like AA it's just for helping people who are family/friends/close to alcoholics cope with their own problems in dealing with what that persons drinking has done to them, their enabling of that person, and the pain that they are going through. You will get a sponsor and work steps the same way someone in AA would. Is it worth it for you? I've never been but I have heard good things about it. At the very least it can't hurt and it can be a way for you to vent your frustrations and feelings to people who understand all too well what you're going through. I'd strongly suggest giving it a try for at least a few meetings and see. Because after all is said and done, whether you stay or leave, whether he gets help or not, its taken a toll on you and you're likely going to need some support in navigating this.
It's unfair to you that you've been through all of this. It's further unfair that you have more **** in front of you, but I'm confident you can make it through and come out on the other side. You seem to be a strong person (I'd expect nothing less from a Texan) and this is something you can handle. There is support out there for you. Not the least of which is right here on this forum.
Good luck.
Hi Jaybay, I've been going to al-anon for years. One of my children is in recovery and had to go through 6 treatment centers to get there.
You wrote tons of stuff above about your DH. Before my first meeting I'd have written my child's complete story, and not too much about me. I didn't have a life. When my eyes popped open in the morning my child's life was there to greet me, not mine. Not at all.
Al-anon is designed to give OUR lives back to us. We then empower our children/DH, or whoever we love, to get better under their own steam, not ours. If we actually start working the Al-anon program as designed, we'll simply be too busy getting our life back to be bothering with them anymore. And then our loved one(s) will get busy suffering the consequences they desperately need to suffer in order to "want" to get better.
I wish you the best life. You deserve to have one of your own.
You wrote tons of stuff above about your DH. Before my first meeting I'd have written my child's complete story, and not too much about me. I didn't have a life. When my eyes popped open in the morning my child's life was there to greet me, not mine. Not at all.
Al-anon is designed to give OUR lives back to us. We then empower our children/DH, or whoever we love, to get better under their own steam, not ours. If we actually start working the Al-anon program as designed, we'll simply be too busy getting our life back to be bothering with them anymore. And then our loved one(s) will get busy suffering the consequences they desperately need to suffer in order to "want" to get better.
I wish you the best life. You deserve to have one of your own.
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