Alateen?

[Momtoteenboys]

I was wondering if anyone has any experience with this.  In the past, I participated in Alanon to help deal with my feelings about my alcoholic husband.  I found it helpful to an extent, but then the group tended to be a bit too religion- based for  my comfort level.  I have teen sons who are really at odds with their father now and wonder if this group might be of benefit to them.

[Caitlin01]

Hi There.  If you are concerned about the group being too religion-based, then maybe help your children develop a Higher Power such as the "better part of themselves."  That is what I currently use as my Higher Power.  Hope this helps and good luck.

[ibizan]

i know personally that the alcoholic has got to see the destruction to themselves in order to want to quit!i do see the good behavior acts and stopping drinking to lure the wife back in...and somewhere in the alcs brain a short term flash that this is not good for the kids 2 c...but that disappears quickly....yes the wife has a role to play in this crazy drama....but the alc makes the choice to pick up the drink!and must make the choice to lay it down!

[jo929]

hypotheticall do you think that if he thought his kids needed him or his wife maybe all of them told him how much they cared do you think from what the wife said he would quit i have never seen one that sounds like him that is why i am stumped the way it sounds he is easily controlled and with the right approch that he might quit you know i mention the 3 needs of mankind loved needed wanted or possibly accepted i am asking because i value youi opion maybe i should not say this but could a controlling wife make it worse i really dont know why this came to mind i do not know these people but i care  in my line of work i have seen the guy that gets tired if some one that is controlling meaning no offense to his wife of course so would this be a man that could quit easy or do you think it might be hard remember this is hypothtically,i have an opion but i wont voice it but it bothers me when a family is involved that have been married so long i know what a wife can be like when they have been married 30 or 35 years and the wife has never worked or even if she has it is a total diaster to her +some woman have not been able to cope and after leaving facility they quitely do awaw with themselves   thanks  for helpiong me understand i have seen most every thing to see working with mental patients and others in medical feild sometimes i care to much    Jo

[ibizan]

my dayjob is substance abuse counselor for past 22 years.I have seen alcoholics stop....start..have a few...lose control and **** hits fan.....stop...start.....be sober a few months and be nice...take that first drink.....and the whole insane mess happens over an over again!i've seen many behave..hahahaa..when wife or partner lays down the law.....then start again...**** hits fan....stop....make promises...this is why the call it the cycle of dependency!

[jo929]

I am confused i have never heard of an alcoholic that can quit when he-wants also i have never heard of one who that would listen to someone lay down the law as you say most alcoholics want a drink so bad they forget or dont care so if he does the things you tell him to do is it possible that maybe he is not an alcoholic??just askingi have never seen this my self usually if they went to a bar you could not drag them out and most will spend all the money on alcohol
i have had lunch with people that drank a beer with it and that was it they could take it or leave it if he listens that much to you he must care for-you very much to listen and i would be very careful of any decisions i made about leaving him. I will probably have th whole column down on me but i have seen the ones who will break out windows turn furniture upside down you name it also the ones that drink the whole paycheck up and you husband has supported you well has he not again i am not trying to knock on anybody am just having a hard time with this also i have seen woman who do not tolerate i beer in house I say give him a chance he cant be all bad     jo

[ibizan]

u can love the heck outta someone but it does not mean u can live with what they hand out to u such as this.I'm glad 2 c ur thinking of urself and ur needs somewhat.I am 24 yrs.sober/clean.My x boyfriend was clean from cocaine 4 years.He relapsed and chose the drug over what we had...what we coulda had.I had to cut him loose or allow myself to be devoured by his insanity.I will never allow that to happen 2 myself!good luck to u..keep us posted!

[Momtoteenboys]

Oh yeah, I tried to get him to stop.  His aunt finally told me that he had to make him stop- there was nothing I could do to force it.  I went to Alanon for a while and finally got that through my head, that it had to be his choice.  

As for threats and all, I left once, when the boys were babies, and he slowed down considerably.  Over the years he has slowed down quite a bit, but his reaction to stress is usually to run to the bar.  Having 2 teens now, that is how he usually reacts.  But, after a big blowup the other day, he has been great this weekend, and we are going to get our twin granddaughters and have plans all day long today.

I have thought a lot about when the boys are grown and gone.  I have told him that too.  I think I will be very lonely, and I don't know if I will stay or not.  I do love him, and he is a good hearted man, but I don't know what will happen.

As for work, he drinks after work, not before or during.  He isn't drinking day and night.  He also does not drive when he is drinking.  There are certain things I have laid down the law about- no drinking and driving is #1 on the list, and he respected that from the start.

[working dog]

you could always say..stop drinking or get out or i'll get out...tell him you've looked into drinking problems and how bad it is for his health .talk with him about the damage being done (mental and physical)....you might look at the future and see what your life is going to be like in the years to come...it might look pretty bad...the kids will be on their own in 5 years...do you want to spend the rest of your life with a alcoholic??? maybe it's time to start planning something different....i hope it all works out for you......billy

[jo929]

when he was younger did you try to get him to stop also did you work again i am not trying to be nosy i am wodering why you waited so long if he is functional alcoholic how is it that the work has not descovered this I realize this is a family and trying to stay together would he not listen to the boys most alcoholics just want another drink it sounds like he might be open to listening to the boys some say that a functional alcoholic may be open fot suggestions this is just an opinion,,also you seem very strong in your statement that he is not about to quit,.also i do know that a person has to be needed loved or wanted,those are 3 things a person must have to feel some of these things in life to cope   i do hopr that thing get better also you did not mention how much alcohol he consumes a day again i am noy trying to be nosy       i wish all of you the best of luck   jo

[Momtoteenboys]

Thank you for all of your comments.  My husband was an alcoholic when we got married.  He probably has been for 35 years.  He is 56 yrs old and has no intention of changing.  That said, he is functional- has been in his job 37 years and works daily.  He is not abusive, but probably would be considered neglectful at this point becasue he is more self centered than ever before.  WIth the youngest kid being a teen (13) he doesnt think they want him or need him anymore, and he stpped out of doing much a few years ago.  Now, when they do get into trouble and he tries to step in and be a dad, they resent it and do not listen.  And frankly, even if I ask him to help, he won't do so till he's put down a few beers.  Liquid courage I guess.  At that point he rambles and talks like an idiot and I get just as aggravated as they do.  My youngest son is really senstive to it all.  He feels like he has no father.  And he doesnt want him around much either after a few embarassing incidents at the ball field.  The older son says his father is funny when he drinks, but I think he truly is embarassed, but just handles it a little better.  That said, he is the one giving us fits with grades and becoming just as self absorbed as his father (some of that may be the age too.)  I always worry about them possibly inheriting that tendency.  It runs in both sides of the family.  At this point though, both resent anything to do with alcohol, which is a relief.  I keep hoping that their experiences will make them stay far away from the stuff.

[uberadtx]

Adult Children of Alcoholics www.adultchildren.org might be a good resource.  Despite their age, they might feel empowered to be treated like adults.  Children of alcoholics tend to skip through emotional age development and they are weary.  Good Luck

[jo929]

i myself thought the Alanon was pretty good did you go long maybe try another group but then that is your decision. i really dont think that it would hurt the boys and then again they might understand and feel different about it are things so bad that one has to see a psychiatrist about it  you dont say how long your husband has been an alcoholic and it is none of my business i am just trying to come up with something to help all of you as a family is he in any shape for counseling just trying to help    jo

[working dog]

nobody wants religion being forced down their throat  ..if your gut feeling isn't right with alanon i wouldn't send my kids into it...i really don't know anything about it...it might help a lot of people..but i wouldn't send my kids into a place that i didn't feel comfortable with..advice from a good shrink might allow the kids to talk things out....good luck...billy

[ibizan]

Why not let the boys attend and see how they feel about it?I understand your feelings..but its worth a try isn't it?anything to help them with what they must be feeling!