Alcoholic/Addict

Hey all, I'm 23yrs old and new to this site and I've been drinking daily for the past 5 years. Not always quite this bad, but for the last few years I've had half a 40oz bottle of whisky a night or more. I also take oxys with the booze when I have them. I pretty much take anything I can find but alcohol is my biggest problem as I have withdrawls without it.

Things have gotten worse lately as it has become hard to function at work, or with family, ect. I used to be a top athlete in highschool and didn't start drinking or doing drugs untill I was 17 and then everything else didn't matter anymore since it seemed to solve all my problems. I recently let my family know what has been going on against my better judgement, since I managed to hide it very well over the years. I knew they wouldn't take it well and they havn't been sleeping much and held an intervention for me, but I still just can't give it up!

Just wondering who else is in the same boat. I'd appreciate some input on how to beat this! I don't know if I have it in me and I don't want to stop. I'm losing hope to fight this! I know everyone says the first step is to admitt it, and I'm able to as it's obvious even to myself that I'm out of control. But I wake up with the hangover thinking I'll change but once I get home from work the only thing I can think of is a drink right away.

[rod44]

If you truly want to stop there is a way. You need a treatment program such as rehab or/and AA. This is a progressive disease and will get much worse. You need to be detoxed under the supervision of a Doctor. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, admitting that you need help and accepting this help is just as important.
Recovery is about changing the way we think around drink...
start by talking honestly with your family doctor, if you are on pain meds and are taking them with drink you are putting your life at risk....

Ray

[dominosarah]

You are dancing with the devil if you are mixing oxy's and whiskey.  I know cuz i did the same thing.  You say your losing hope to fight this and you dont want to stop.  What have you really done to try and stop?  You have to get totally honest with yourself first and foremost.  You cant do this alone.  I would really check into some sort of aftercare whether it be in patient or out patient rehab and AA/NA.  You are battling 2 demons here as you are popping any pills you can get your hands on.  That in itself will take you to the depths of he!! and suck the life right out of you.  You dont have to live like this anymore, there is hope but you have to be the one to reach out........sara

[Up_N_Down]

Thanks for the replies...I know that taking pills with alcohol is dangerous and its kinda scary but I try not to think of it. To answer the question about what action have I taken to try and stop, probably not enough. My longest sober stretch was 2 days and It was hell and I just couldn't do it anymore. I've tried several other times but my determination fades quick and I just don't think I have it in me to change. Even today I had the day off being a Sunday and normally would be drinking as soon as I wake up, however I held out till 8pm but that was it. I'm pretty hesitant to look into actual rehab as I don't think they can help me anymore than I can myself. I'd just feel trapped there.

[ibizan]

rod and sara have given u xcellent advice.......they like I have been there and done that...all of us started young...like you...if u really WANT to seek recovery u will.....u must......those damn oxcy's mixed with alcohol and by themselves are lethal.

[rod44]

Recovery begins with you. If you want to recover then you can if you truly want it....
Do you think Sara, Ibizan or I wanted to stop or were any different to you, we were where you are now, we all needed help with our respective addictions and we decided to do whatever it would take to stop. We all had to get help. Stop making excuses and get help, this is not going to get any better until you do. Stop burying your head in the sand

Ray

[Up_N_Down]

Thanks again everyone....but I don't think I truly want it enough. I posted because I don't like how I've disapointed my family and I hate who I've become. I used to star in sports most of my life, but now making it up a few flights of stairs is hard. I was born with asthma and if I'm not in great shape I have trouble breathing whenever I exert myself. I just have issues I need to face but just can't and I probably never will which is scary as I'm well aware of how these stories end. I know it sounds like excuses but I just can't picture living a sober life and liking it. I don't consider myself normal and things from my past I just can't talk about or think about. I guess I was hoping there was some magical way to just change, but after some soul searching deep down I know its gonna be hard and I honestly don't want it bad enough at this point.

[dominosarah]

I appreciate your honesty......define normal?

[narla]

We have to fight the things from our past,then move on and live for our future.Don't let the past determine what your future will be.I've had to fight my past to stay sober it's not easy but you can do it.Don't wait till your in your 40s like I did.I ended up with liver damage it's not worth it,fight all your battles now while your young and healthy.Good Luck and please want it enough-  Denise      

[TJack]

Denise, as i was reading your post and those wonderful responses I kept thinking, what in your childhood are you trying to numb and or forget.  Well, then i got to your post where you refer to somethings in your past!  Yep, that will do it.  Hon, you are young so don't waste alot of years going downhill and perhaps killing yourself with a mixture of booze and pills.  First off go to your Dr. be honest with her or him.  Get into detox, they will help you not to suffer while you are getting clean, i can attest to this.
The next thing i would recommend is,because i did it, GO see a psychiatrist.  See a woman if you would be more comfortable.  Get help.  You can bare your soul to these people, they are great listeners and will support you.  It doesn't hurt near as bad once you get it out there, cry and are assured it isn't your FAULT.  I didn't start drinking alot till i was much much older than you, but i think it was predestined in away because of packing bad memories from childhood around with me.  You have a whole lot of life ahead of you.  I hope you can get rid of these demons.  Live sober and be happy.  It can happen, you just have to want it bad enough and get to work on it. TJ

[Up_N_Down]

Normal is being able to cope with day-to-day stresses without the anxiety I experience, and being comfortable with yourself and striving for happiness. I have stopped doing anything I used to care about. Lost my GF a few years ago and just lost my enthusiasm for life even before that. I just can't be happy like others around me and I feel alone even when around others, which I'd rather not be around people most of the time by the way.

[Up_N_Down]

I don't think I can fight the past as it is still a part of my future. I know it doesn't sound right but I just can't face it enough to talk about it. I'm pretty sure I already have some sort of liver damage...I know I have stomach damage as I sometimes puke up blood. I just have stopped caring as much as I used to. It doesn't freak me out like it should and its kinda surreal. Not sure how to explain it but I'm sure you guys can understand.

[narla]

I think you've got a bit mixed I'm narla real name Denise,I'm 48.The one needing answers is UP_N_DOWN

[rod44]

that is unfortunate because your future as it stands is pretty bleak, things are not going anywhere but down....
It is almost like you are happy in your  misery....
self pity is a big problem, poor me.

[Up_N_Down]

sorry for not responding to your post but I wasn't sure who it was meant for.

[narla]

Now isn't the time to stop caring,You must care or you wouldn't have posted here.Now is the time to see a doctor find out what if any damage there is,then you need to get into counselling if your not dealing with whatever it is from your past it will only get worse it will fester like a boil until it gets that bad it has to be released,you need coping mechanisms in place for when that happens because it will happen eventually,last you need to stop the destructive behaviour,that will mean AA meetings or some sort of aftercare,most of us are dealing with things from our past it's not an excuse.Like I said you do care even if you don't realise it or you wouldn't have posted or have come to Medhelp.Just think about your life before you give up.  Denise

[Up_N_Down]

I know...I just don't see happiness in my future and I have demons I can't beat so ya I don't like what the future probably holds. I just can't find a way to be happy with my life and I've burned to many bridges. I just don't see anything else at the moment, as a normal life doesn't seem possible. But thanks for caring.

[Up_N_Down]

I care...not about me but for my family who would be devastated if I died. I kinda wish I didn't have such a caring family but I do. I know I'm lucky and they deserve the best, but I don't think its enough for me to change...

[Up_N_Down]

No problem...I was just confused as to who you were talking to but its all good.

[rod44]

are you drinking now?

[Up_N_Down]

The only time I'm not drinking is when I'm at work and even then sometimes...

[rod44]

Ok you need to come back when you are sober, I know from my own experience that it is hard to reason with someone under the influence of drink......

Get some sleep and come back, drink is influencing your thinking right now I suspect and what we say is falling on deaf ears

[dominosarah]

Your fighting demons with even a bigger demon.....

[Up_N_Down]

Ok Rod I know what you mean...but honestly I can't even think properly when sober anymore. I know you think I'm too messed up to realize what is being said, but honestly this is as good as I get. When sober I'm just thinking of my next drink, not about getting better or anything else. I just feel normal when drinking and people can't even tell when I'm drunk at this point because of my tolerance. I'm not bragging about it I know its bad but that being said I can reason with people right now as good as any other time. Notice my perfect typing, I'm drinking but not hammered like i wanna be.

[Up_N_Down]

I know you're saying I'm turning to demons to fight demons but I'd rather that then turn to myself to fight something I know I'm no match for.

[dominosarah]

We all know what you are saying cuz we have been there.  I was a very high functioning alcoholic.....the more i drank the more normal i thought i was.  Right now we are at a crossroads.   We hear your pain, your desperation and your excuses.  You are trying to convince us otherwise.  You have choices and you know you do.  You have a major drinking problem and you will die if you dont do something about it.  I hope you can find it in you to realize that your life is worth more.  Death by drinking is very very painful......Dont say you cant anymore.....Get some help, PLEASE        sara

[Up_N_Down]

Just want to add that all of my posts so far have been made while drunk...so why tell me to wait till I'm sober to return to this thread. Chances are that isn't going to happen...sorry man.

[Up_N_Down]

You sound like you were alot like me. You found your way and I'm glad for you. I just don't see mine. I know if I don't do something death or jail is the next step. I'm not stupid, but I just can't seem to make that leap to ask for help. I know posting on this site is sorta a call for help, but I did it more out of concern for my family/friends who are worried to death. I just don't think I can do it for them as it has to be for myself and I'm not there yet.

[dominosarah]

I wont entertain you in your pity party cuz it is getting worse by the drink.  I bet your drinking alone too............We arent the enemy here really.  Take a look at this thread when you sober up.      sara

[Up_N_Down]

Thats the thing..I won't post here while completely sober and yes I'm drinking alone as I normally do. I'm not trying to make you guys out to be the enemy, in fact I'm appreciative of your support. I'm thankful for your responses as I'm usually only talking to people my own age (early 20's) and its good to get insite from more experienced, smart, people like yourself. But seriously just because you realize I'm drinking tonight, don't act like I can't be talked to. I was drunk when I started this thread and for ever single post since and I'm not in a "pity party" I'm in the real world, more than I'd like to be honestly at the moment. So unload whatever it is you have to say and don't tell me to check in 2morrow cuz I'll be drunk then too.

[rod44]

We all have our own story's, our own daemons to contend with. Do you think you are unique here, that we all got sober by some magic wish. Speaking for my self I fought to stay drinking, like you I was stuck on the pity pot.....I did not know this at the time because I was too self absorbed
I was in hospital for 3 months due to liver and other issues. It was a physically and emotionally painful time and I never want to go back. Who wants someone cleaning up after them when they go to the toilet. get help while you have some dignity and self respect left.

What gives you the right to treat your family like this, they deserve respect.... You think this is all about you well it is not even if you try and make it so...

Ray

[dominosarah]

Yes i was alot like you.....How about you become like me now?

Okay i will unload on you but i prefer to call it tough love......You are right, that was me 20 some years ago sitting doing what you are doing now, killing myself while my family and friends had to sit back and just watch.  My demons were destroying me.  You arent stupid at all, as a matter of fact i think you are very intelligent.  You know the difference between right and wrong, you still feel love and you want out of this nightmare.  Drinking isnt numbing your pain anymore and scared as he!! about sobering up and having to face yourself arent you?  There are people on this forum with nothing but horror stories from their past and they are slowly working thru them, sober.....You are on a pity pot, you feel sorry for yourself, you say your problems are bigger than you and i say bullsh!t to that.....There is nothing that we cant overcome.  I am 48 yrs old, have kids older than you and have lived in he!!.  My first love was whiskey and it dam near killed me.  Some lover huh?  We cant get you sober, only you can do that.  I hope jail will be your bottom before death cuz those are your only 2 options left if you dont get your head out of your butt and finally stand up and say i am worth fighting for.  No more excuses..........sara

[Up_N_Down]

No I don't think I'm unique at all. I know there are plenty of people out there like myself. I just think I'm one of the weaker ones since I'm not excepting help when its offered. Your recovery is great and you came a long way from a terrible situation and I respect that alot. I don't wanna wind up like that but I've known all these years where my future was heading and it still didn't stop me. I've already lost alot of self respect but like you said there is some left. I hate what I'm doing to my family and honestly thats the only reason I'm thinking of recovery. I'd like them to be happy but as sick as it sounds, sometimes I'm mad at my parents for creating me.

[Up_N_Down]

Thanks for that post...I found it inspiring and you are right about a few things. I am scared like crazy of a sober life and drinking is losing its effect. Thats why I combine it with pills/other drugs. Also your right I feel sorry for myself, but I hate myself too much to fix it. Another thing your right about is I have to get myself sober and thats not looking realistic to me at this point. I've tried that and failed over and over and I don't wanna do the rehab thing even if it means death. Like I've said my family is the only reason I can think of to sober up, but I find that addiction is stronger than love. Being around them just makes me uncomfortable and hate myself worse and of course I just wanna get f***ed up.

[dominosarah]

Its your lucky day.....Guess what other forum i am from?  The substance abuse.....I had a nasty pill addiction which i am 630 days clean today.  What sort of pills are you taking?  Talk to me........sara

[dominosarah]

Where did you go?

[Up_N_Down]

I'm back...I've never had a pill addiction like you, I just take them when I can. (congratulations by the way for your 630 days clean!) As far as what kind, OCs of different strengths ranging from perks to 80s. Usually I snort them as well. I'll also do other drugs like coke from time to time.

[dominosarah]

Thank you!!  It feels so good to be off them.

You do know that snorting pills can be harder to stop than swallowing.  Does your nose bleed yet?  Your killin your nose too my friend not to mention what the pills do to you along with the alcohol.  What are you trying to run from?  I really do care about what is happening to you........sara

[rod44]

I am with sars on this, you are 23 years old and can have a wonderful life if you decide to make a little effort. People here are taking time to listen to you, all we ask is that you read the post with out the influence of drink/drugs.
It is in your hands

Ray

[narla]

We're all hoping you'll read all these replies and just stop and think,If you knew the childhood I had you would never use your past as an excuse,If you want to talk about anything PM me and I"ll show you there is always a better way to deal with your past,Don't ever give up on yourself,There's always a better way-Please PM me if you just want to talk about s--t.  Denise

[enocenip]

Hi Up_N_Down, I'm Gunnermanz and I'm an alcoholic, age 55. Your outlook is bleak unless you vow to change, however long it takes. Most alcoholics can't brook the idea of never taking another drink. But say this: 'I wish I were free from the _desire_ to drink.' Then, vow to destroy that desire to drink, no matter how long it takes. Plant that idea in your mind.

You said you don't like the person you've become. This is why 'taking a personal inventory' or a 'moral accounting' is so important in AA. Drinking is often motivated by a self-destructive impulse. To stop, you have to have a reason to stop, and that reason is knowing you have worth as a person and are entitled to your share of happiness. Having a weakness is NO reason to hate yourself. There are plenty of 'strong' people with 'self-discipline' who are utter scoundrels. Strive to be a better person in your own eyes and that effort alone will make you one.

My sense is you need a direction in life. To stop drinking, you need to have cherished goals that mean more to you than alcohol. Set some realistic goals and start working toward them. Also, read about the danger of continued drinking. You must tip the balance toward the benefits of sobriety and the costs of drinking.

For now, never drink every day. Keep a record of how much you drink. That alone will help you cut back. Find a recovered alcoholic you respect and make him or her your role model. Also, please read "Ten Steps to Postiive Living" by Dr. Windy Dryden.

[dominosarah]

Where did you go?

[jeremy111]

My background:  I love alcohol.  Always binged.  Red wine and jagermeister are my favs.  Been sober 9 months! My goal is 1 year.  I'm hoping I can drink like a normal person after this.

Pick one:

1) Since your tolerance is so high you're not really getting the buzz you need.  It might be a good idea to cut back for a while.  If you allow your tolerance to go down a bit then the next time you get hammered it will feel much better.  Keep doing this until you can have a killer buzz.  This should be motivation enough to try and lengthen the amount of time you stay sober.

2) Forget your past.  And forget yourself.  The past doesn't even exist, except for a few electrochemical signals in your brian.  And your self doesn't exist.  Selfhood is an illusion.  Stop being selfish.  Live for others and not your self.  Sounds like you already love your family.  Live for them.

3) Pray to Jesus.  Ask for the magic cure you're seeking.  Pray for the strength you need and the desire to quit.

4) Sabatoge yourself.  Go steal some sheets from walmart and get caught.  Actually, don't do that.  Quiting alcohol cold turkey can be bad on your health.

5) ignore step 4

6) ignore step 5

7) Go to step 4)

8) hey, how did you get here?  You're suppose to be in an infinite loop!

9) Get a woman.  Or at least have the goal to get a woman.

10) Drs should be able to give you drugs that will help with anxiety, depression and any other problems you fear will make your life miserable without alcohol.  Combine that with therapy and you will be good as new in no time.

11) You need love.  Love God, love yourself.  Love others.  This is why you were created.  Your life is more important than you think.  You have been given this gift called life.  Don't waste it.  Take advantage of this gift.  You can do anything if you set your mind to it.

[rod44]

RE;             My background:  I love alcohol.  Always binged.  Red wine and jagermeister are my favs.  Been sober 9 months! My goal is 1 year.  I'm hoping I can drink like a normal person after this...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been down that road so many times as I am sure have many others here....There is no such thing as an Alcoholic who drinks like a normal person...ever,,,. It gets much worse if you pick up a drink after stopping, believe me been there done that and regretted every minute of it.

Ray

[Tab57]

Alcohol is tought to beat but it can be done. I grew up in a household dominated by addiction. Both of my parents are alcoholics and my mother was also addicted to prescription drugs. It was a real bad environment to grow up in. Growing up in this environment was enough for me to stay away from alcohol and drus but I am tempted every day.

I truly hope that you decide that you want to get help soon. As you said step one is to admit you have a problem which you have done. Step two is to want to get help and step three is to get help. At this point it is eveident that your family members want you to get help more than you do. Their efforts will be in vain until you decide that you want to get help.  When you get to that point seek professional help and work through AA.

My mother threw everything she had away because of her addictions. She has been free of drugs and alcohol for 38 years. I had nothing to do with her for 30 years. I was so angry over the fact that she shose alcohaol and drigs over her family. I have reconciled and we see each other as often as possible now as I live 900 miles from her. My two brothers and two sistes remain estrangeed from her and I don't expect any change there.

Do you want your life to be a similar story to my mother's? You are well on your way as alcoholics hurt those closest to them the most. I urge you to want to get help. I know it is a geneetically inherited disease but you must find the strenth to beat it. Let me know if I can be of any help to you. Again best of luck to you.

[ibizan]

Thank u all for your great advice and support to upanddown!We can only hope he changes his mind and seeks recovery.Sadly it doesn't sound like he is ready.So glad to see new posters!:)

[jeremy111]

What if I make a rule and say.. I can only drink 6 months out of the year.. july-dec.  Think that will work? or maybe allow myself to drink every 6 months..

[rod44]

If you need to stop you need to stop.

If you were a diabetic would you eat foods that are high in sugars for half the year?



Ray

[ibizan]

I love the NA saying...u can't graft new ideas on2 a closed mind!So many that post here are given good advice it is all up 2 them what to do with it!

[jeremy111]

Thanks for the comments guys. Been considering what you said. Never thought of myself as an alcoholic... But really I am. I shouldn't be looking forward to the day my fast ends. I should be done with alcohol. :-(