Aa
Anxiety, uncertainty.
I wasn't sure what forum to post this in, so I figured I would try here and see where this goes. Wednesday night, I tipped the bottle a little too much. I was at my home, drinking by myself. Well sometime after 4:30 in the morning, I think I might have put my jacket on and left my house. My clothes weren't a mess, and my sexual parts (penis) didn't have any of the after-sex characteristics, such as dried semen, or the smell of sex on it. And far as I can tell, the underwear I was wearing showed no out of ordinary signs either, no stains, smells etc. And as a male, whose never experienced anal sex (I'm straight), my anus hadn't ever been penetrated, and it too felt fine.
I woke up in my bed, which was noticeably undisturbed from the night before, because I had thrown a bunch of stuff on it, papers, folders, etc. while looking for something while still sober, that much I remember. And it certainly looks as though no one rolled around on it. I don't know anyone in this area, and checks of my phone, and e-mails shows that I made no phone calls, texts, or sent any e-mails. So I guess, the only thing that's making me think I even left my house is, my headphones were plugged into my phone, I woke up with my sweater on, and my front door was unlocked. Nothing is missing from my house, and I woke up fully clothed, shoes and all. Clothes were neat, and shoes were tied. I've walked miles before barefoot after a bit of too much alcohol.
I was experiencing some guilt however, because I was talking to a friend, and his Wife who were having marital problems, and I got very confrontational with him at the end of the call, which I don't remember, but he told me. Also, I told my Wife I'd never drink again, and that was also a broken promise. Two days later, I'm experiencing discomfort in my urethra, though I will say that I've felt this discomfort there in the past, when dealing with embarrassment like this, and the guilt/anxiety of not knowing what happened.
Guess my question is. In my neighborhood of mostly elder neighbors, and on a 40 degree night. Was it possible that in a span of 4 hours, at most - and a quick look through my phone shows that I was youtubing at some point through this timeframe (I know I was last on the phone at around 4:30AM woke up at around 8:45AM), I left my house, somehow found someone to sleep with, and then either walked back/got taken home, and found my way back to my bed, without remembering any of it? I don't sleep around on my Wife, and the though's never came to mind, so I find it hard to believe that out of the blue I would just do that. Is this just anxiety?
I spoke to my Wife about this, and she thinks I'm way out there, far-fetched and that I need to seek help for my anxiety. I had a very troubling experience as a teenager, with an ex and some lies she used to try and gain me back, that I fear has had some lasting effects on my life.
Other notes:
-I drank enough to throw up, that was evident on my floor, so if I did find a partner, that would have happened.
-Most people in this area are professionals, and I'd like to think if I were stumbling around at around 6 or so, someone would have stopped to help, so I'm fairly certain I was back in the house by the time day broke, but I really can't say for sure.
-This happened once before years ago, and I woke up the same way.
I woke up in my bed, which was noticeably undisturbed from the night before, because I had thrown a bunch of stuff on it, papers, folders, etc. while looking for something while still sober, that much I remember. And it certainly looks as though no one rolled around on it. I don't know anyone in this area, and checks of my phone, and e-mails shows that I made no phone calls, texts, or sent any e-mails. So I guess, the only thing that's making me think I even left my house is, my headphones were plugged into my phone, I woke up with my sweater on, and my front door was unlocked. Nothing is missing from my house, and I woke up fully clothed, shoes and all. Clothes were neat, and shoes were tied. I've walked miles before barefoot after a bit of too much alcohol.
I was experiencing some guilt however, because I was talking to a friend, and his Wife who were having marital problems, and I got very confrontational with him at the end of the call, which I don't remember, but he told me. Also, I told my Wife I'd never drink again, and that was also a broken promise. Two days later, I'm experiencing discomfort in my urethra, though I will say that I've felt this discomfort there in the past, when dealing with embarrassment like this, and the guilt/anxiety of not knowing what happened.
Guess my question is. In my neighborhood of mostly elder neighbors, and on a 40 degree night. Was it possible that in a span of 4 hours, at most - and a quick look through my phone shows that I was youtubing at some point through this timeframe (I know I was last on the phone at around 4:30AM woke up at around 8:45AM), I left my house, somehow found someone to sleep with, and then either walked back/got taken home, and found my way back to my bed, without remembering any of it? I don't sleep around on my Wife, and the though's never came to mind, so I find it hard to believe that out of the blue I would just do that. Is this just anxiety?
I spoke to my Wife about this, and she thinks I'm way out there, far-fetched and that I need to seek help for my anxiety. I had a very troubling experience as a teenager, with an ex and some lies she used to try and gain me back, that I fear has had some lasting effects on my life.
Other notes:
-I drank enough to throw up, that was evident on my floor, so if I did find a partner, that would have happened.
-Most people in this area are professionals, and I'd like to think if I were stumbling around at around 6 or so, someone would have stopped to help, so I'm fairly certain I was back in the house by the time day broke, but I really can't say for sure.
-This happened once before years ago, and I woke up the same way.
Congratulations on your year clean.
Well, most of us have wreckage of the past. It's easy for me to say "stay in the now, the past is history and tomorrow's a mystery" but I know that isn't easy for you or you wouldn't have posted. Quitting alcohol is an event, but recovering from the drug is a process. The drinking is just a symptom of a much deeper malady. The tip of the iceberg. Below the surface is what you're dealing with now. I think it's great that you've now discovered that it must be dealt with. It's progress!!
I've been in AA since 1982 and we have a way we deal with our past. We're promised a new way of living if we take certain steps to learn this new way of living. Step 4 through 9 deals with the wreckage we have hanging over our heads. Very briefly, we begin by taking an inventory of ourselves, talking our list over with someone, and then making amends with certain people so we no longer need to be looking over our shoulder worried about who we've harmed, who we owe, who's after us... By cleaning up our past we get a brand new and clean start in life. We can love and respect ourselves first, which opens up the door to loving and respecting others. The AA program tells me "I will not regret the past, I will comprehend the word serenity and I will know peace." Virtually every one of us has had to deal with ourselves in order to change. I know that if I don't change, nothing changes. My recovery is a process. I will always be in the process of becoming, but never arriving.
You asked, so I told you how I had to work it out. Not trying to sell AA to anyone, but some sort of program of recovery really helps! Our own thinking won't fix our own thinking. I hope some of this helps. -best regards
Well, most of us have wreckage of the past. It's easy for me to say "stay in the now, the past is history and tomorrow's a mystery" but I know that isn't easy for you or you wouldn't have posted. Quitting alcohol is an event, but recovering from the drug is a process. The drinking is just a symptom of a much deeper malady. The tip of the iceberg. Below the surface is what you're dealing with now. I think it's great that you've now discovered that it must be dealt with. It's progress!!
I've been in AA since 1982 and we have a way we deal with our past. We're promised a new way of living if we take certain steps to learn this new way of living. Step 4 through 9 deals with the wreckage we have hanging over our heads. Very briefly, we begin by taking an inventory of ourselves, talking our list over with someone, and then making amends with certain people so we no longer need to be looking over our shoulder worried about who we've harmed, who we owe, who's after us... By cleaning up our past we get a brand new and clean start in life. We can love and respect ourselves first, which opens up the door to loving and respecting others. The AA program tells me "I will not regret the past, I will comprehend the word serenity and I will know peace." Virtually every one of us has had to deal with ourselves in order to change. I know that if I don't change, nothing changes. My recovery is a process. I will always be in the process of becoming, but never arriving.
You asked, so I told you how I had to work it out. Not trying to sell AA to anyone, but some sort of program of recovery really helps! Our own thinking won't fix our own thinking. I hope some of this helps. -best regards
I did just that, and I'm not surprised at what I found. It's been over a year since my last drink, so my tolerance level had to have been very low. I'm just so grief stricken, to think that I might have done something, as unlikely as it seems. I know I was sloppy, my typing on the phone was evident of that. Further thinking, I'm almost certain I never left the house. That maybe the thought was there, or something. Because my front porch steps are large, and we have plants, and pumpkins on each. No plants were tipped, no pumpkins were knocked over. I have no injuries.
Is they're any way to get over this anxiety? Or is this one of those "time heals" type of things? And again, does anyone here think it's plausible, all things considered? I know from my younger days, when I get THAT drunk, I'm not what you'd consider 'functional' I'm usually very sloppy, and incoherent.
Is they're any way to get over this anxiety? Or is this one of those "time heals" type of things? And again, does anyone here think it's plausible, all things considered? I know from my younger days, when I get THAT drunk, I'm not what you'd consider 'functional' I'm usually very sloppy, and incoherent.
Research the symptoms of alcohol blackout. Could be that's what you had. I've had them. I woke up out of a blackout driving with one eye shut because I was seeing 4 roads, and I had a gal next to me in the car who wasn't my wife and mother of my one year old daughter. Once I take that first drink all bets are off. No telling where I'll end up. So sober life for me has become much more simpler. I know exactly what I did the night before...
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