At Wits End

Hi, I'm new here, I posted this in Living with an Alcoholic but no answers yet and I need to deal with some issues I'm having with my husband,  he's always been a heavy drinker, but since he stopped methadone 2 years ago he drinks all the time when he's away from work, he doesn't drink for breakfast but I've seen him grab a beer at 11am on an empty stomach and then just keep drinking more without food, his mother was an alcoholic and he wont accept that he's one too.

He is a shift worker and gets drug and alcohol tested so he cant drink before work so he makes up for it by binge drinking when he's not at work. He comes home plastered from the pub and then he goes straight to the fridge for more beer or wine and to top it off he has Hep C so I can't understand how someone with a fragile liver from Hep C can continue to drink excessively, he's killing himself  and I don't know what to do anymore, i've given him ultimatums but I don't follow through and leave, so I basically hate myself for being so weak, we have been together for 17 years,  no kids but I love him and can't imagine my life without him,.

When he's sober we have a great time together, he's not a nasty drunk either, he's always happy and laughing until he passes out, so it's just me doing the yelling and I'm ready to explode.  How can I make him stop?, forget AA and therapy groups because he doesn't even think he has a problem. I've asked him why he gets so drunk and he says "well what else is there to do, I've given up everything else, I need an outlet after work", he says he'll die when he's ready to die,  I just shake my head in disbelief and we end up fighting.

What do you do with people like this, is it because of previous drug use that he cant let go of addictions?  i'm already watching my mother slowly die from cancer through no fault of her own and I will never burden her with my problems either, meanwhile while my husband is voluntarily killing himself and he smokes a packet of cigarettes a day. I think i've married a hedonist who refuses to grow up and is blind to the fact that he doesn't have the body of a 20 year old anymore, he's 53 and should know better and he plays guitar in a muck around rock band sometimes which is another reason not to grow up, it's like being married to Keith Richards but without the money.

Thanks for any suggestions. C.

[ibizan]

wow u summed it up a t the end...married to a guy who refuses 2 grow up and he is killing himself!drinking with hep c?his days r numbered for sure....u can't make him stop...17 years of living with this is proof enuf i would hope.....u need to better tend to ur needs dear.....for this guy is really on SELF DESTRUCT...if realistically there was something more hopeful i could offer u i would but i don't think their is.have u attended any Al-Anon?

[Jacker]

I've never exactly been in your shoes, because I was the drunk with the sober wife.  I do have more of a philisophical theory about your comment of "not growing up":  I believe that it's a lot easier to fall into that mindset when you don't have kids.  My wife and I don't have kids either, and I literally refused to grow up.  My friends who have kids were forced to deal with resposibilities and most of them got out of the party lifestyle.  That's not to say that people with kids don't drink (they do).  In my case, I had to find something bigger and more important than myself.  My relationship with God has grown since I stopped drinking every day, and a strong believe in God helps keep me sober.  If I didn't believe in God, I might still be in that mess.
I know that not everyone has a belief, but I would still maintain that he needs to start thinking of something bigger than himself to stop drinking like that.  If nothing else, your husband needs to start thinking of you (or to understand that you cannot sit around to watch him kill himself with booze).   Why don't you see if you can get an image of his liver - a CT Scan or something? The results might scare him out of it.  

[Casper157]

Ibizan -  no I've never bothered with Al-Anon, I registered for the online support group but got too busy to get involved with everyone there, this is the first time i've posted my problem on a public forum, I think it's all starting to get to me so much because my mum is dying, addicts don't realise how much their abuse effects their loved ones and how much time is wasted trying to come up with answers. But you are right about the self destruct and I just can't figure out why, he should be easing off the drink as he gets older, I really think it's in the genes.

Jacker - I think you might be right about no children, no responsibilities, I've often wondered if that would have made a difference but i doubt it, he had a mentally abusive father growing up who apparently hated his children and walked out on the family so my husband was never fussed whether we had kids or not and I have always been in two minds about it too, like I need another child to look after, and I am worried about getting Hep C,  i'll probably regret it though when I'm old and alone. I don't think he will be finding God anytime soon, not here on earth anyway but I'm glad it worked for you.

He had a CT scan a year ago and no lesions were found and the hepatic contour was smooth but he never went back to the doctor to have these results interpreted properly.
Anyway I was reading that with the liver, a biopsy is really the only way to tell if there is any damage so he is booked in on 12 May to see the doctor and then we'll take it from there. I can't see him coming out of this unscathed so I hope this is the wake up call that he needs.
Thanks guys for replying!.

PS - He just got home from work, and asks me if I bought any wine, I said NO, why don't you give your poor liver a night off, so he watched tv for a bit and then went to bed, it's nearly 1am here.

[Jacker]

My CT Scan scared the heck out of me, and it has definetly helped me stay sober.  All my bloodwork has been normal, but the scan showed a fatty liver.  That my not seem like a huge deal to some, but it scared me because I know that it sets the stage for something worse if I do not take care of myself.  In reading about fatty liver, I found many accounts from people who were dying of various forms of alcoholic liver desease - I decided that I really don't want to go out that way.  I like being physically active and that's not going to happen with any of the more advanced forms of liver desease.  The long and short of it is that he should have all of his results interpreted by a doctor (just like you said).  Good Luck!

[working dog]

the biopsy will help a lot in prep for some goals...you'll find out what stage and grade his liver is in as well as geno type..viral load...and all the other blood work stuff..if he's a drinker with hep c he's going to be in trouble...the withdrawals will also most likely be 6 times worse then an alcoholic without hep c...so if he does quit get ready..and get help..see a doc because he could die going through it without meds and help......i quit alcohol at 53 and it was hell..my body and mind has almost recovered now...but count on a year or two to get through it..even non alcoholic beer you can't drink...no anything with alcohol no mouthwash..no breathing in toxic fumes...and get on a good hep diet...very little red meat..always have carbs with protien...not one without the other...he will have real trouble with blood sugar regulation for a year or two and maybe for good...i can't say enough about the need for him to quit alcohol..the damage to the liver causes damage to all kinds of other organs and big time brain damage...read up about electrolytes ...read up about all the stuff that goes on with hep c...and go on the hep c forum....med help has a great hep c forum with some folks that can save your life....ask questions..i'm s/1 to 2  g/2  geno 1a...i know what he's doing...killing himself...billy

[Grace724]

My story could be yours...except we've been married 24 yrs and have 4 children, 2 grandchildren.

My husband also has HepC and drank daily...like a fish. Until Feb. 14, 2008 when he ended up in the hospital darn near in a coma with Hepatic Encephalopathy. Nasty situation. Thankfully he came out of it, the hospital kept him until he went through detox and he has not touched a drop of alcohol since.

Never in a million yrs. would I have thought he would stop but I'm pretty sure that episode in the hospital set him straight.

Unfortunately he waited way too long. His liver is now cirrhotic and he will probably be placed on the liver transplant list before long. Our doctor says it's truly hard to tell but he will probably live 2-5 yrs. without a transplant and maybe 10 with one. His HepC went too long untreated and did some major damage not only to his liver but also to his kidneys. He is also now a diabetic. He has to take Lactulose daily in order to keep his ammonia level down so he does not end up back in the hospital with another episode of HE, that he may or very well may not come out of.

There are days when I want to pound the heck out of him for ignoring his doctors advice and my constant fussing at him over the alcohol and the fact that he was playing Russian Roulette with his health...but that would do no good. Now instead of growing old together I will probably bury him before his 60th birthday and grow old without him.

I hope your husband wises up before it's too late but he sounds every bit as stubborn as mine.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[boogieman]

Hello. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that any one thing or combination of things will provide a sufficient "wake up call" for anyone addicted to alcohol or any other drug. I watched my father die from alcohol induced pancreatitis and i myself have been to the gates of hell and back through my own addictions. There are many ways in which people reach a low enough "bottom" to become willing to change, but some fall too far to recover completely or even partially. The prisons, mental hospitals and cemeteries are the eventual destinations of people (like myself) who have crossed that invisible line between "social" drinking and full blown alcoholism. The best thing you can do is to be prepared for the possibility that your husband will hopefully reach the point where he's had enough and be willing to treat this like cancer or any other progressive life threatening illness. Know what resources are available in your area such as acute medical detoxification facilities and educate yourself  about what you are dealing with. I would highly recommend al-anon, not for him, but for YOU. No matter what happens, you will need to heal and recover yourself as alcoholism also hurts those who are close to the person with an addiction. This is for your sanity and peace of mind. Please try al-anon and keep an open mind. This can also help you to help your husband no matter what lies ahead. Good luck!

[Casper157]

Thankyou for all your comments, I really appreciate you taking the time to help and provide some useful information.

Grace724 - I fear I am heading down the same road as you, I think my husband has always had some sort of a death wish which started the day he took up heroin nearly 30 years ago, I expected him to grow up and wake up as he "matured" but if it's not drugs it's alcohol. Everytime he reaches for that bottle I know he's one step closer to death and I'm one step closer to being a widow, it's a sad state of affairs and if he doesn't get his act together I either have to leave the situation or just accept it. Love can be blind, bring back prohibition and I wish cigarettes would be banned too.

[ibizan]

Actually during prohibition the rate of aclohol related deaths and crime was higher for alcohol was illegal!Humans r creatures that love to do what is forbidden....even if it hurts themselves......one of the mysteries of being human i guess...but for this girl i'm glad i'm sober and wouldn't touch weed again even if they decriminalized it!When ur an addict or an alcoholic u have a RESPOSIBILITY to urself to stop what is killing u.No one can do this for u....no one held my hand or did a thing for me...they couldn't...i had to get out my denial self and take action!u will end up being a widow.....or try to find some joy in life for urself in view of watching him kill himself.it is HIS choice!