Blackout Paranoia

I'm in my late twenties, my alcohol consumption is around 15 units per week, but on occasion (I would say 1 day per month) I inevitably end up binge drinking. During this episodes I experience fragmenary blackouts, usually the black spots occur in the latter half of the evening and usually involve me going off round a club and dancing, making an idiot out of myself, not violent.
On New Year's Eve I was with my wife and a friend in a bar, and had around 20 units of alcohol. I remember the evening with great clarity until my wife left -- to visit her relatives, around half-midnight, and my friend left shortly after, around 1am. The last memory I have is of standing at the bar by myself, at 1am, the barmaid telling me the bar was closed.
Next thing I know I wake up in ou apartment bed, alone (my wife stayed with her relatives that night as they are somewhat out of town), nothing out of the ordinary, except a soccer magazine next to me (so I guess I read when I came back). Nothing else. And no memory of that period between being told the bar had closed and waking up. Yet I am deeply paranoid and worried that something terrible happened, I think because this is the first time I have blacked out by myself and every other time a friend or wife has been with me and had been able to "fill me in" with details next morning of what stupid antics I got up to previous night. But with this incident, no witnesses except myself and therefore just a big black hole in my night. I am a naturally anxious person and diagnosed with OCD and panic disorder, and for the last forty-eight hours I have been worrying myself sick that somehow I got out of control, murdered or raped or assaulted someone, thinking about this over and over again, it is dominating my thoughts. I walked back past the bar the next day, can you believe, just to check if police tape had been set up anywhere along the route I assume I walked back to the apartment via. I have even considered phoning the cops and asking to see CCTV footage of my trip back to clarify what happened.
I have discussed this with my wife, she is a trainee psychotherapist, and she thinks i am being incredibly dramatic, not to mention illogical, and that my feelings of guilty over loss of self control and memory, and binge drinking, are manifesting themselves in this illogical fear of having committed some terrible crime during my blackout episode. I just wanted to know if other people have felt the same fear, had the same concerns, because I am just struggling to understand why this blackout is a source of so much more anxiety to me than previous episodes, which I have usually been able to just shrug off. I mean, maybe subconsciously, although I can't remember an incident as such, perhaps the feeling of guilt and fear from such an incident is manifesting itself in me? Or is it impossible to commit some kind of violent crime or assault without at least a fragmentary memory of it? Please let me know your thoughts, as I said, I am a natural, obsessive worrier, spend most of my days worrying if, for example smoking cigarettes will give me multiple sclerosis or if I am already riddled with cancer etc and hard to focus on work during such states.
Thanks

[Jacker]

Everyone feels a certain amount of guilt and paranoia after an incident like this.   If you have an anxiety disorder, it just makes it worse.  Use this as motivation to quit binge drinking in such large quantities.  Tell yourself "I never want to be out of control again".  This type of thing can help you if you use it correctly.

If there was a horrific crime, I think you would have heard about it by now.  After 20 drinks, I think that most people would be 3 sheets to the wind.  

[boogieman]

hi. your fears are not unfounded. among other things, i drove and had no recollection the next day. it's by the grace of god i didn't kill anyone or myself. but some are not as fortunate. i knew of a guy that used to just get drunk on the weekends who would occasionally get locked up for the night for public intox. or other minor infraction. then one morning he came to in the jail expecting to be released as usual after sobering up. instead the deputy informed him that he wasn't going anywhere as he had killed someone during an argument in a blackout. if your drinking is causing you concern, it may be for a reason. best of luck---gm

[TJAndrews80]

Thanks guys. I spoke about this at length with my wife and friends and they all said they feel the same sort of feelings (though not to the heightened, obsessive extent I experienced them) after blacking out drunk alone. They all agreed, though, that if I had woken up in a police cell, I'd have reason to be worried, but I woke up in my bed, no sign of physical harm on myself or anything, so I may well have done something stupid and perhaps even embarrassing, but nothing worse than that. I think you're both right, though, that I should use this as a motive to curtail excessive drinking and moderate my behaviour so I avoid any more situations like that in future.
Thanks again for your help.

[CindyOne]

Personally I know how scary that can be.  For the first year or so, my blackouts were pretty harmless, just stupid dancing or passing out on someone's couch.  But they eventually got violent, usually provoked by arguments with my ex-boyfriend.  One night I trashed the entire apartment, even some of my own stuff, and that REALLY was one of the worst nights ever...  

You probably didn't do anything too crazy if you woke up in your own bed.  Usually in our druken stupor, we leave *some* evidence behind.

[Emmy76]

I know exactly what you're talking about.  I have anxiety and panic disorder (which I take Klonopin for), so when I drink to the point I black out, I wake up the next day feeling INCREDIBLY guilty, ashamed of myself, and I always feel like there HAD to have been something terrible I said or did the night before. I think that also stems from those days I did wake up and people were mad at me for being out of control, mean and/or obnoxious.  It's like I wake up with this need to apologize to someone for something, but can't remember anything from the night before.  

I drink every other day.  At least 2 or 3 nights a week, I black out.  Apparently I'm still functioning, I just don't remember what I did or what I said or where I went.  (At least now I make sure I have a designated driver.)  It's the frequent blackout episodes that are pushing me to try to become sober.  It's embarrassing to me.

And for the record, I rarely take my Klonopin.  A 30 day supply lasts me more than 6 months.  I don't know why I have an addiction to alcohol, but not Klonopin.  I try really hard to remember not to drink when I take one, but sometimes I forget that I've taken one, or it just doesn't click.  That's when the blackouts are the worst and last the longest.  I do realize that those can be a deadly combination, which is why I try so hard to avoid combining the two.

[boogieman]

ya, be careful mixing the two. if you are alcohol dependent then you are at a very high risk of developing similar conditions with other things, especially benzodiazepines and other cns depressants. a lot of folks become "cross-addicted" or end up substituting one for the other as they have similar effects. i know for me, putting down the alcohol was never a problem as long as i had a substantial amount of valium or xanax on board. take care, gm

[Emmy76]

Yes, I do understand the risks/dangers.  I'm just not a pill-taker by nature.  I couldn't even remember to take my birth control pills every day...I had to get on the patch!  That's why a 30 day supply lasts me so long.  As strange as this is going to sound, I AM afraid that if I mix my Klonopin with alcohol, it could seriously damage my body.  (Forget about the damage the alcohol alone is probably doing....go figure.)  And why is that??  Why do I worry about eating greasy food and damage to my liver that pills can cause, and I KNOW that alcohol is terrible on everything....my stomach, liver, CNS, brain, intestines, etc...yet it's not enough to make me stop drinking?

[boogieman]

ya, that's the nature of it. i've seen others drink until some organs simply died, liquefied and then subjected them to a horrible death. i knew another who after being sober 13 years tried to drink again, and became a permanent resident in a state psychiatric hospital. today he doesn't even know his own name. the thing about it is alcohol and other drugs give us instant results---they change the way we feel. but irreversible damage often takes years, and the physical symptoms may not become evident until it's too late (this is one thing that makes pancreatic cancer one of the deadliest). usually it's the social impact on things like friends, family, jobs and the law that first get people's attention. then come the advanced psychological issues like severe depression, anxiety and what i call incomprehensible demoralization. recent studies indicate that as much as half of all problem drinkers are trying to self-medicate an underlying psychiatric condition (usually anxiety based).
the good news is today there are effective therapies for chemical dependency, and the sooner these are implemented, the better chances one has of fully recovering. if you are considering getting sober, this forum is one good resource to communicate with others who are doing, or have done the same. you aren't alone and there is a way out. take care,  gm

[Emmy76]

Thanks boogieman.  Yes, I do desire to quit, and that's led me here.  It does help knowing I'm not the only one who shares the same struggles I do.  The blackouts were my wake-up call, so I was surprised when I stumbled upon this thread.

[boogieman]

keep us posted and ask if you have any ??????????????

take care, gm

[Lo27]

I'm so glad I found this thread because I have been experiencing the same thing as the original commentor. So here's my situation and I would appreciate feedback because I'm going crazy!

Okay, I have been drinking for about 10 years (I'm 27), and for the first time ever I was hanging out with people I didn't know while wasted. What happened is that I didn't eat much that day (of course), and had probably 1 1/2 bottles of wine over the course of about 3 hours, which normally wouldn't have put me over the edge like it did.

Anyway, I was walking home (thanks friends!!), which is about 5 blocks, and holding some pepper spray but having visible problems walking. An older guy I'd seen around the neighboorhood before approached me saying something about how it didn't look like I was doing too well and he'd walk me home. I was still holding the pepper spray, but after walking with him for a bit I started to feel more comfortable and somehow we ended up stopping at a friend's (his friend) house and having a beer on their side patio. My memory is really spotty, but I remember having an ok time and not going inside as far as I KNOW.

Then I'm pretty sure he walked me to my corner, although it's hard to know for sure because although I have memories of us walking around the neighborhood, I don't know which ones are before and after the friend's house. I seem to remember the walk being difficult for some reason or that I was confused or something, and maybe having a weird feeling, but that could have also been in retrospect. It's also possible that this guy was saying innappropriate things to me, and it was upsetting me. Not sure.

So the next morning I woke up in my bed at 9am with all my clothes on, under just the top blanket, and without setting my alarm for work. My first thoughts were of how screwed I was for being late and not even calling in, so that was my number one priority. Once I got to work and had time to think about the night I started getting really paranoid that I had been raped, even though I don't have any memories that would suggest that (and I always remember distinctive events, even in partial black-out), and no physical signs whatsoever. Also, there is NO way I would cheat on my boyfriend in any state, at least not with a random person, and I can say with with total certainty.

Anyway, I continue to go back and forth between thinking that nothing of note really happened, and having a nagging feeling that something bad did happen, and I'm wondering if that is more a product of that fact that I was in an unusual situation, like the original commentor, and can't ever be 100% sure, or if in fact it might mean that something did.

I am just obsessed with the possibility, and any help whatsoever would be appreciated! Oh, and I walked around the neighborhood with my boyfriend, and had memories of walking with the guy but nothing specific...

[boogieman]

Hi. do you want to stop drinking? or are you trying to just figure out a way to avoid alcohol induced memory lapses? typically when someone begins to experience blackouts due to excessive drinking, it's a good idea to take an honest look at what other negative consequences are occurring. if you are becoming chemically dependent, or already are, things will go downhill if you continue to drink. the next time you may encounter a much more dangerous individual or situation. let us know if we can help you further.  take care,  gm

[Lo27]

Hi, yes I am aware of the seriousness of the situation, though in all fairness it was less the amount I drank and more the fact that I hadn't eaten. Regardless, I will never be doing THAT again. For the record, I have stopped drinking for months at a time without any problem, and made the decision to start again because I enjoy it, and this was not a typical situation, which is why I was so freaked out...

Anyhow, my question above still stands. Although at this point I really don't think anything happened, I think it's an interesting thing about the brain that it tends to fill in what you can't remember with worst or best-case scenerios according to the outcome of the situation/your feelings about your behavior. I just wanted to hear other people's thoughts on that phenomenon, which the original poster seemed to hit on the head so aptly.

[meatloaf14]

Hey guys,

I am just following up on this thread because i have a similar issue. My last blackout was probably about 4 months ago, but like the originator i do not remember my trip home from the bar( all i know is i did not drive).  I have had other blackouts but most other times a friend or more are around to fill me in.  I was glad to see this post because like the orginator i worried excessively about what might have happened in the estimated hour in between the bar and when i think i went to sleep.  Like the originator i woke up  without any evidence of crime (same clothes, no blood or scratches, no history of violence, checked the news for any events, checked the walk for property damage) but every time i try to dismiss the worrying as rediculous my mind reinvents another terrible possibility.  I have fears that seem irrational like this from time to time and I believe that there are two main ideas that my mind sticks to to keep the anxiety racing.   1)  The worrying keeps bad from happening  2) Something bad will happen when i am happiest.

Anyone else have problems with this type of thinking?

I have began phasing out my drinking since college ended recently and would like to stop eventually because i see it as an obstacle in becoming who i would like to be.  Its hard to accomplish goals and maintain happiness while spending days in bed worrying. Any advice?

[boogieman]

hello. you aren't alone. i have a few conditions, some of which existed to a degree without chemical help. the major depressive and anxiety disorders give me very similar thoughts. but what i've found is that being as active as i can push myself, makes the time pass quicker and i can be productive. it's funny you should post this today because that's where i am right now. i get a sense of impending doom (so much that i'm eager for something to happen so i can deal with it----i'd rather have a straight fight than the ducking and hiding if you know what i mean---something i can physically control) and i basically just moped around the house today and thought of doing things that would give me permanent relief. but fortunately, i know it will pass, and i only have to get through today (but dam today was a bad one).

that being said, this type thinking does become less frequent, and i have hope that one day it will disappear completely. but until then i just try to do the next right thing in front of me until it's bedtime. then tomorrow i do it all over again. i'm not where i want to be, but i'm sure not where i used to be. best wishes and thanks for letting me know i'm not alone.   gm

[meatloaf14]

Thanks for the response.  Keep pushin through it.  I know exactly what you mean , even accepting of other problems that are real so you can deal with them. Anxiety is tricky like that because most of the times what we create in our heads is much worse and irrational.  I guess what id like is to know that nothing went wrong or nothing is bad is going to happen.  Be worry free..but who wouldn't want that.

[boogieman]

ya, there is no greater fear than the fear of the unknown. and the unknown my mind can create could write a few stephen king novels.   gm

[redt23]

Hi guys, it was so nice to find this thread, sometimes I feel like i am going crazy, I know I am not, on one side, but on the other i feel like, thats about OCD, and when you get the problems that you guys have got and I have got as well with blackouts with binge drinking its hard really. So, I am going to tell whats my problem, and its going to be a relief really to share it with some people that can understand what i had or have been going through. I drink socially, i had periods in my life when i stopped because i realized the dangers, and now i am in a moment in my life, when i splitted from my ex wife, i am happy in my life, want to go out, take care of myself, and have some pints from time to time, whats wrong about that..right? Now...the things is from time to time...i have lost the control...and i drunk too much, so the blackout appears...i have done some stupid stuff..been with a lot of girls...been with some hookers...a lot in the past..and now what happens...everytime..as I have OCD..that i have a blackout ..be it minor...or major...i feel bad of course, ashamed...but i feel like a need to vomit...because i could have been with a hooker...and its like a need to "clean myself" if you get the meaning. The people i talked about this, they just say..oh....you just need to stop drinking...and then you cut the problem...but to me its not like that...i mean its difficult for me to live in a life of fear because i could have been in a place with hookers, when, with my apologies to the ladies on the forum, i have been in my life with quite a lot of those, and being paid or not, they are still human. The last time it happened to me, some days ago, i started drinking, probably too early, went to other pub, made a fool of myself i guess, and there is a period that i do not remember, but i remember i got home, pretty early, i ate something, there were some friends in the house, and thats it. When i talk about vomiting its not so simple as i go into the bathroom and i vomit one time and thats it, because if someone in this thread has OCD knows that you know when you start but for sure you dont know when you finish, so a couple of weeks ago, i have been vomiiting, for two days, like 8 times, and then 9, and then other obsession and then other compulsion and then at the other day, and if i dont do that i feel like i have less energy, like bad things will happen to me, like if i am going to be having sex with someone i care about i will be having problems, like i might not be able to do it, like my face might not look as pretty and thinny as it would look like when i am calm and easy. Probably all of the people that read this and doesnt have this kind of problems might think i am a crazy person, honestly, 99% of my time i am the most normal person in the world, and everybody likes me, but the 1% of my life that these things get into my head my head is a hell. Now, to end this story, I tried to do a cost benefit solution, i vomited once, just in case its a solution that someone could use if it faces the same problem, like thinking like this, there are two obsessions, one that i need to vomit to take the bad things out of me, the other is the number of times, so the "important one" if we can call it like that, its the first one. As Boogeyman was saying in one of the comments, I am probably not perfect but i know that i am not as bad as yesterday.

[snappytom]

Hi Emmy and everyone

I've been there too and the feelings of shame and embarrassment and dread after nights of blackout are indescribable. This really wreaks havok on my already fragile self esteem. I drank because I hated myself and thought that alcohol helped me be more fun and charming. That worked until I became a full blown alco. I suggest you read The Butterfly Plan by Leda Fox as it turned things around for me and really really helped to realise why I was doing what I was doing and how to stop. Alcoholism is about more than just drinking a lot of booze....diet, emotional problems and weird stuff that we believe and hang onto can be just as responsible. I know A.A says that abstinence is the only cure but after reading the book (ButterflyPlan) and doing the 40 day programe that it teaches you - i found that alcohol was not the enemy - I was. Now that I'm more balanced, my drinking is balanced as well...I haven't had a binge or blackout...just the odd glass of wine with dinner. It's been months and I don't feel that I will ever slip as long as I keep that balance in my life. Hope that helps Emmy.  

[snappytom]

Hey red

See my comment to Emmy (above). I hope you can find some wisdom and direction in the book. It is available online....not sure where...just google Leda Fox and The Butterfly Plan.
It's an easy, funny and enlightening read. It will give some clear direction about the right foods to eat and mental and emotional exercises to do to balance you. most people who drink have more than just a genetic tendency to drink. If you can override that and get to the trigger points and neutralize them - you'll be fine. Do the plan. I dare you!

[joeya0910]

Also suffer from ocd and maybe had 6 blackouts in my entire life,  Every time  I blacked out I was on my way home and woke up in my own bed.
I have suffered much anxiety over the past few years wondering if I ever hurt anyone.
For me I have the disadvantage of time.  These blackouts occured when I was in my twenties and now I am 58.  Ocd sufferers seek things that they can use which will let their imagination go wild.  Time makes it impossible to find out what may have occured since it was so long ago.
One thing to share which may be of some comfort for those with ocd is that every doctor I have seen has said an ocd person would not commit
a violent crime.  It is totally against their personality.  They went so far to say that there has never been a documented case of a violent crime in which an ocd sufferer committedl.  Even further, and recent studies has backed this up.  No matter how drunk you get you will remember a violent act.  You may use amensia as a defense but unless your a hardened criminal, you would know!  

[ibizan]

Boogieman passed away about 2 years ago....he relapsed w/alcohol.The details of his death i cannot xactly recall.....Dominosarah remembers this better than I......it was so sad for all of us here and mostly his remaining family members.

[joeya0910]

sorry to hear about boogiman and i appreciate your letting me know.
the purpose of my comment was to all ocd sufferers in the thread of posts i have read through.
ocd sufferers deplore violence and alcohol will not turn you into a killer.
boogieman spoke of a person who committed a murder during a blackout.  this will scare the crap out of an ocd sufferer but his comment in out of line with current research.  
I think boogiman was trying his best to stop people from drinking but his example may have unfortunately caused severe anxiety to ocd sufferers.

[ibizan]

this i do know....boogie was sober 3 years......got emotionally distraught over a variety of personal dilemmas......and like many alcoholics will do he mistakenly picked up that first one.i don't think its fair to say that his example would cause severe anxiety to OCD sufferrers.....its just a facet of this disease of alcoholism...and most unfortuante one at that.