Blackouts and Regrettable Behavior

I am 28 years old and have been drinking socially since I was 18.  My mother is what I would consider a "true" alcoholic as she must drink every night.  However, she usually keeps it to 3 or 4 drinks and it does not effect her personality much.  I, on the other hand, only drink when I am with friends or in a social environment.  However, when I drink I know that my goal is to get buzzed.  I don't even care much for the taste of alcohol, but I am always trying to be the life of the party.  Over the past few years, I have had quite a few times (10-12) when I woke up feeling ashamed of my crazy behavior the night before when I was drinking.  Then, about a year and a half ago I started having blackouts.  I would remember everything up to a certain point, but could not remember a thing about the rest of the night.  I would rely on friends to tell me what I did and usually I would feel really embarrassed after hearing it.  I get very silly when I drink.  I am never mean or try to drive, but I tend to talk and laugh a lot which I have been told gets annoying after a bit.  I just get caught up in the moment of having fun and I guess I feel like if my buzz goes away, so will the fun.  I always tell myself I am going to do better, but then a month or two later it happens again.  Last October my husband and I decided to get a divorce.  Since then I have been drinking a lot more often.  As my divorce is getting near I have started dating.  I ruined the relationship with the last guy I dated by getting drunk and kissing his friend right in front of him.  I was completely obliterated from drinking shots and quite a few mixed drinks.  Then last night I went on a date with a guy I used to work with and his friend, and once I became extremely intoxicated I was all over him.  I made a complete fool out of myself..but the worst part is I didn't even know about it until this morning.  I woke up and didn't even remember how I got home.  When I talked to him this morning, he told me everything that happened after the last part of the night that I remembered.  I was apparently all over him in the back seat while his friend drove home.  By the way, his friend that was driving wasn't drinking.  The guy I went on a date with told me he had a lot going on in his life right now so it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore.  I know that was a bogus excuse.  He probably thinks I am this crazy, easy, out of control woman.  If he does think that I guess I can't blame him.  I act so out of character when I drink too much.  I felt so ashamed when I found out the way I was acting that I decided to do some reasearch online, which is how I found this site.  I never considered myself an alcoholic, but after reading some of the forums I think I possibly may be one.  I am also concerned because my mom is an alcoholic.  My whole family actually encourages drinking.  The second it hits 5:00 on family trips (sometimes earlier), they all run to make a drink.  It's a huge social thing for them.  If I say I don't want to drink, they all look at me like I'm crazy.  I decided that I need to seek out some help before I get myself in a dangerous situation.  I shudder to think what could have happened last night if the guys had not been as respectful as they were.  Last night was a bit of an eye opener for me.  I know I want to slow down on my drinking and limit how many drinks I have, but I am afraid that I will not be able to do it.  As soon as I start having fun I lose my sense of judgment.  I truly want to stop, because I am starting to lose respect for myself and I am ruining relationships over it.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[despoina]

The first step is not necessarily realizing that one has a problem, but mustering up the determination to go thru the process of change.  Without the latter, failure has a greater chance of becoming the end result.  I do believe that after reading this blog, that you do have a problem.  However, one that has a potential solution.  This condition has it's grip in many different aspects of you life, so before you travel down that path, make sure you have a positive support group in place.  Otherwise, failure is the probable, and the courage and strength to try again is harder to find.  Sit with those who influence your life, become vunerable and ask for support.  We need not necessarily help when we fall, but for them to give us the strengh to stand on our own.

[working dog]

well scarlet ya don't want to wear a letter on your chest do ya???  only kidding i really think of tanagers in the summer up in the mountains...and the best car i ever had we named scarlet.it was scarlet....bought it new in 89 a nice suburban..it saved my kids life in a bad accident...ok...sounds like theres a lot of drinking in your familly..that makes it tougher for you...two reasons..your around it and you inherit the tendency to drink more then folks that don't come from this back ground...i might get some people that disagree with me on that though....you gota know the only one that likes a drunk is another drunk..so when going out you've got to control yourself...you could end up in real trouble if you don't and may miss out on meeting someone that you want to get to know...maybe after you know them a while you could get away with a little more...and the blackout thing is bad...i never blacked out ..if i did i just wouldn't go there again...think about your brain and whats happening to it...sounds like you don't have kids so that makes things easier..i have a few daughters around your age and they party sometimes but not to often....lots of us can't limit our drinking...i always thought i was under control but i wasn't..i hate to tell you this but i think maybe you have to stop..like you say ....you will lose sence of your judgment...and all kinds of respect....and  my parents have a drink time too...i'd say like 5 or 6 is drink time....they seemed to get into it when they were retired..not real bad but almost every day...so now when i go to familly stuff i just watch every one drink..it's not that bad..and it's funny how some of the familly can really control their drinking...looking back at it i was tied for second from the top ..one of my brother in laws has allways had me beat by a long shot...now he knows he needs help... i'm so glad to not be drinking.....good luck.....billy

[ibizan]

billy and despoina make some very good points..and yes billy i b-lieve in the genetic predisposition towards alcoholism....my family history is loaded with it...no pun intended.......i never had a off switch......it malfunctioned when i drank...i drank to get drunk for the big BUZZ....and when i knew deep inside i was outta control...i would tell myself ok ur gonna have this many drinks.....or this amount of joints......or only 2 Valium.....or only a little cocaine.....trying to control the uncontrollable chemical monster in me with big bottomless pit of a belly!I would stop drinking for a few weeks..tell myself no problem see i can quit then say i can have a few and the same old **** happened.I had to come to the point of the old AA saying.....one is 2 many and a 1000 never enuf......and retired from this insanity.I hope u 2 come to this conclusion soon...from what u've described u have a faulty OFF switch.....and they don't sell them in the hardware store....i looked!:)

[vmvnpv]

You do have a problem.  My H is the same way, always drinking to get buzzed.  You don't have to drink every night or every weekend but when you do drink it's way too much (and with the intention of getting buzzed).  With most people cutting back alcohol isn't the answer.  Staying away from it completely is the answer most times than not.  With people who have problems with alcohol and alcoholics if they even have one drink that's it.  They continue to drink until they get drunk, blackout or worse.  I suggest going to AA meetings and getting a sponsor.  Both are great sources for helping you through this.  I would also tell your family so they support you and don't offer you anything to drink when they do and they understand why you're not drinking with them.  I'm glad that nothing happened to you but it scares me that if you continue down this path what could happen.  I wish you the best of luck and please keep us posted as to what you're doing and how you're doing.  Stay strong.  You can beat this.

[scarlet15]

Thank you all for your suggestions.  It is apparent now that I do in fact have a problem.  I am not sure I am ready to give up drinking completely at this point.  I am going to give it a few more tries at limiting myself to a few drinks.  I need to realize that I don't have to be drunk to have a good time.  I am actually just as fun when I am not drinking..in fact, probably more fun because I don't get annoying towards the end of the night.  I have discussed this issue with my closest friends and they are all behind me 100%.  Two of my best friends don't even drink, so they are good people for me to surround myself with.  I have never been one to drink alone, so if I am around people who are not drinking I wouldn't be tempted to.  As for my family, I am afraid they would laugh at me if I told them I had a problem.  My mom doesn't even see herself as an alcoholic, because she is always able to get up and go to work every morning.  I think instead of telling her I have a problem, I will just tell her I don't feel like drinking.  I only see her 6 times a year or so anyway since we live a few hours away from each other.  I do have some friends that make it very difficult to say no to drinking, so I think it would be best to limit my time around them.  Also, if I could find someone to date who doesn't drink, that could also be helpful.  I just have to be careful not to get too drunk in front of him otherwise I could sabotage that relationship pretty quickly.  

[ibizan]

Google Stages of Change by James Prochaska and Carlo Diclemente 1982.It is a user friendly model of how humans recognize/change addictive behaviors.We do hafta put ourself to the test of attempting controlled use b4 committing to abstinence.....and in this we fail...i sure did many a time b4 making the committment 2 myself.As for ur mother...been there with that.....i drank and drugged myself thru 2 college degrees and a strong work ethic....go to work hungover as hell but damnit i was there!used this to rationalize the fact i didn't have a problem.....i knew inside i did.keep us posted regarding ur controlled drinking research.....like AA says we quit when we get damn sick and tired of being sick and tired!

[BostonDonkey]

I feel your pain Scarlet! I started suffering blackouts when i drank and i can tell you, it only gets worse. You try to limit yourself, but all you are doing is building up to another blackout episode. I know that feeling all to well of waking up with the shame and embarassment the next morning of not knowing what you did. Calling friends and cringing at the stories of what i did. It doesnt get better. You have to stop. trust me. Can you imagine what type of damage you are doing to your brain when it is in a state that it cant even form memory? Very, Very dangerous. Good luck Scarlet. I hope you get help and realize that you are not alone.

[scarlet15]

I went on a first date last night with a really nice guy..he's a commercial airline pilot.  Obviously, he is not a big drinker.  We both had 3 beers and when he offered to buy me a fourth, I declined.  Besides being a first date, I knew he probably wasn't the type to be amused by the way I act when I am drunk.  He also invited me to continue the date at another restaurant/bar and I told him I would give him a raincheck.  So, I did do really well last night, but..

Boston..I can understand what you are saying.  I will be able to go several occasions without getting too drunk, but at some point I am going to lose my inhibitions (and judgment) and not know when to say no.  I know deep down I will not always be as disciplined as I was last night.  

I'll keep everyone posted.

[ibizan]

Airline pilots have a high rate of alcohol problems saw a program once of many steering planes under the influence!!!....its just a first date.....time will tell!best of dating luck 2 ya!

[scarlet15]

Yeah, I heard about that.  I will keep an eye out on him.  He told me he tries to keep the drinking to a minimum when he is partying, and I would hope he would not drink and fly!  I think that is awful for a pilot (or a driver) to do that!  

[ibizan]

ppl who have a high tolerance to alcohol think their doing just fine operating machinery.....Lord the drunk driving i did and didn't remember driving home the next day!so glad i never harmed anyone!

[vmvnpv]

My father in law is a pilot (captain) for an airline.  He is also an alcoholic.  It's more common in that field than you think.

[working dog]

two of my friends that are retired pilots are alcoholics and arn't stopping till it kills them...scarlet ...keep in mind you have lots of time your still a youngster...hope it all goes good for you...billy

[ibizan]

great comments from billy and vnvp....and also drinking birds of a feather do drink and flock 2 gether.....like will attract like....so like the Robot on old Lost in Space......warning....warning....warning!!!!!!!

[suzi-q]

Yes, it all starts with "I am going to control my drinking.." and you may, maybe once or twice...but you will soon realize like everyone else that the drinking cannot be controlled.  It is good that you are beginning to realize your problem and want to change.  Soon you will see that it is all or nothing...that is the problem here...IT CAN'T BE CONTROLLED!  If it could, we would all drink!!!  Remember, "one is too many and two is not enough....."

[Raj786]

I am more in to drugs and not into alcohol that much. But my drinking is quite like what you describe. At least 15-20 nights of very very silly behaviour and blackouts in the last 2 years. The best thing I figured was that I should stop drinking at all because I can't handle it at all once I am in a social setting. So, I just don't drink anymore, and it's so much better this way... (well unless if you can call a beer or two or maybe even a pint of vodka in a week drinking)

[vmvnpv]

Yes Raj.  That's STILL drinking.  Alcoholics need to stay away from alcohol PERIOD.

[Ingrid444]

I use to do the same things as you, drinking binges and blackouts, and making a fool of myself, and feeling ashamed.
I woke up one day, and DECIDED that I had had enough. I don't go to bars anymore. That is where I would find all the trouble. I have a husband, two kids and a life that needs living.
I was so ashamed of all the stuff I was doing that I felt suicidal a lot of the time. I also have borderline personalitity disorder which complicates the alcoholism. I have acknowledged to myself that I had a problem, but I knew that it was only ME who could make the change.
I don't drink outside of my home. If I do have a drink it is one. I have been able to make this work for me. It makes me feel in control of my life and my actions. I am proud of myself and my life. I don't believe that you can never drink, like some people, I believe in the right controlled circumstances I can have one drink. It has been easy because I don't drink in party situations or go to bars to be the life of the party. My family is the most important thing. I hope that things work out for you. All the advice is great, but you know inside what is right for you. This is a great forum as you can get more than one opinion and make your own DECISIONS.
Take Care and good luck