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Boyfriend in denial over alcohol addiction
Hi, My boyfriend has had some amount of substance abuse issues throughout his life. For the last 4-5 years, he says it just been alcohol. I met him about 2.5 years ago and I didn't know any of this for a while. He's pretty good at hiding it. After one year of hiding from me and talking about it, he has finally started a new regime. For about 1.5 months now, he has cut out all hard alcohol. However, he drinks about 10-18 beers on the weekend, especially Friday night. Plus he plans for "Friday night". Since it has been about 1.5 months now, I asked him what he projected the next step would be. I was hoping he might say he wants to cut it to perhaps 2 weekends/month or cut down the amount of beer/weekend; but he surprised me by saying that he intends to keep this "Friday night" regime throughout life. And he told me if I can't deal with him giving up " just Friday nights", then I am being selfish. To me, it sounds like he's still extremely dependent on alcohol. and I feel I am being taken emotionally hostage as he keeps telling me if I broach the subject, I will be sending him back to the hard liquor. I asked him if he would like to see a doctor or a therapist or AA, but he thinks that he is doing great and and this "Friday night" is not such a big deal and there is no need for him to see a doctor. I would really appreciate any help from all of you in this community. Although I keep calm and smile on, I have been crying in hiding, at home, at work, and yes, it has been affecting me negatively a lot. Apart from the drinking, he's a great guy, but I do not think the drinking is trivial. Please advise.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank u Dear!i know what u mean!I'm always inventorying myself........check the behavior...its not perfect...never will be.......only I can keep myself in check!:)fulltime job!:)
I SUCH respect for Your accomplishment(s)..... and Your strength and convictions !!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I view my alcoholism/drug addiction as a disease.Just because i have it does NOT relieve me of the RESPONSIBILITY to manage it!People can CHOOSE to allow it to destroy their lives and they often do.I CHOOSE NOT TOO!All people that are addicts and alcoholics should be held accountable for their actions as a result of their disease.I have a healthy fear of mine!She is a fire breathing dragon within me that has been asleep for 31 years!i intend to keep her that way!
with all due respect to Raaj_1973 I differ G R E A T L Y regarding whether You should stay or leave.
The question of whether He has a 'disease', "is sick", or whether He's ADDICTED is highly debate able. Alcohol IS a drug and alcohol IS addictive - it's a drug addiction just like any other. If the alcoholic has a 'disease' well then, so does the smoker, the meth addict, the heroin addict, etc., etc. Many people cite the brain changes that occur in the alcoholic - again I say yes, yes there are brain changes in the alcoholic - there are also 'brain changes' in the other drug addicts as well. Calling it a disease sorta' misses the point in my opinion. I have known those who use the 'disease' option as an excuse.
That being said, You ought to offer an ultimatum. You can tell Him that You have decided to live an alcohol free life and if He CHOOSES alcohol over the relationship, well then, You have Your answer. Of course You can offer Him support IF He makes an effort to recover. If He doesn't - You don't owe Him Your mental and emotional health. Alcoholism is an addiction that affects the entire Family - even those who don't drink at all - it affects EVERYone who loves the alcoholic - in a negative way !!. This I know is true.
Whether or not He gets sober, whether or not He recovers is His CHOICE - whether You leave or whether You stay. This too I know is true.
Again, that being said, Raaj_1973 offers excellent advice on where You/He can turn for support.
The question of whether He has a 'disease', "is sick", or whether He's ADDICTED is highly debate able. Alcohol IS a drug and alcohol IS addictive - it's a drug addiction just like any other. If the alcoholic has a 'disease' well then, so does the smoker, the meth addict, the heroin addict, etc., etc. Many people cite the brain changes that occur in the alcoholic - again I say yes, yes there are brain changes in the alcoholic - there are also 'brain changes' in the other drug addicts as well. Calling it a disease sorta' misses the point in my opinion. I have known those who use the 'disease' option as an excuse.
That being said, You ought to offer an ultimatum. You can tell Him that You have decided to live an alcohol free life and if He CHOOSES alcohol over the relationship, well then, You have Your answer. Of course You can offer Him support IF He makes an effort to recover. If He doesn't - You don't owe Him Your mental and emotional health. Alcoholism is an addiction that affects the entire Family - even those who don't drink at all - it affects EVERYone who loves the alcoholic - in a negative way !!. This I know is true.
Whether or not He gets sober, whether or not He recovers is His CHOICE - whether You leave or whether You stay. This too I know is true.
Again, that being said, Raaj_1973 offers excellent advice on where You/He can turn for support.
Hi skay123
its irrelevant whether its spirits , beer , wine etc etc .... fact of the matter is 18 lagers of average beer is equivalent to 45 units thats 2.5 units per can x 18 , a bottle of spirits has 40 units , thats the first reality of how much he is consuming now for the reality check
i am speaking from experience , the drinking will get worse , the alchol always wins , u cant fight it or control it , AA step 1 , i am powerless over alchol . Self reslisation and acceptance , this will break the fight so to speak , next bit what is it going to take to come out of denial , lose you , become homeless , sit on a bench and drink - how down does he want his rock bottom to be , seems he enjoys what he feels from the alchol in a way its the third relationship within your relationship and will always win unless he divorces it thee is no i will drink once a month or twice a month , total abstinence is whats required no doctor , AA or alchol support group and assist and guide him until he himself accepts he has a problem , i am not going to say to you to leave him because i do not believe people who are sick like this should be left on there own , however some responsibility is required from his part , what i would advise you to try is sit him down when he is sober and actually firmly tell him that this is what you want for both of you
1- he visits and self refers himself to a alchol advisory group ie dasl , f66 , cri you can google them
2- attend AA 3- 4 groups a week go with him so you too can get insight to substance abuse from the chairs
3- visit doctor ask about a medication named campral and how it will assist with supporting and helping to stay abstinent
4- lifestyke changes start doing things together
5- realise it will take time however do not let yourself be manipulated if he says oh can i have xyz alchol remeber total zero abstinence is your goal
the above will work it will take time , ghe above are some tools - how he uses them is upto him , i really realy hope u guys can sort this out , i tell you why because i not only lost my partner to alchol who i truly loved , i lost my kids , my house , job the lot , i had 3 detoxes , manipulating everyone and the alchol manipulating me without me knowing , i luckily did not get any health issues , today i am super healthy , alchol free , gym 4/6 times a week 2/3 hours , new gf , kids contact and new flat , i would not have done this without AA , cri , dasl , f66 , cbt , doctors help and me myself working on me , i would give anything to go back in time to change myself but i cannot do that , i can though help someone today to not make same mistakes as i did , i wish you 2 the best and please let me know how it goes .
God bless u both
its irrelevant whether its spirits , beer , wine etc etc .... fact of the matter is 18 lagers of average beer is equivalent to 45 units thats 2.5 units per can x 18 , a bottle of spirits has 40 units , thats the first reality of how much he is consuming now for the reality check
i am speaking from experience , the drinking will get worse , the alchol always wins , u cant fight it or control it , AA step 1 , i am powerless over alchol . Self reslisation and acceptance , this will break the fight so to speak , next bit what is it going to take to come out of denial , lose you , become homeless , sit on a bench and drink - how down does he want his rock bottom to be , seems he enjoys what he feels from the alchol in a way its the third relationship within your relationship and will always win unless he divorces it thee is no i will drink once a month or twice a month , total abstinence is whats required no doctor , AA or alchol support group and assist and guide him until he himself accepts he has a problem , i am not going to say to you to leave him because i do not believe people who are sick like this should be left on there own , however some responsibility is required from his part , what i would advise you to try is sit him down when he is sober and actually firmly tell him that this is what you want for both of you
1- he visits and self refers himself to a alchol advisory group ie dasl , f66 , cri you can google them
2- attend AA 3- 4 groups a week go with him so you too can get insight to substance abuse from the chairs
3- visit doctor ask about a medication named campral and how it will assist with supporting and helping to stay abstinent
4- lifestyke changes start doing things together
5- realise it will take time however do not let yourself be manipulated if he says oh can i have xyz alchol remeber total zero abstinence is your goal
the above will work it will take time , ghe above are some tools - how he uses them is upto him , i really realy hope u guys can sort this out , i tell you why because i not only lost my partner to alchol who i truly loved , i lost my kids , my house , job the lot , i had 3 detoxes , manipulating everyone and the alchol manipulating me without me knowing , i luckily did not get any health issues , today i am super healthy , alchol free , gym 4/6 times a week 2/3 hours , new gf , kids contact and new flat , i would not have done this without AA , cri , dasl , f66 , cbt , doctors help and me myself working on me , i would give anything to go back in time to change myself but i cannot do that , i can though help someone today to not make same mistakes as i did , i wish you 2 the best and please let me know how it goes .
God bless u both
You are absolutely correct - His drinking is not "trivial"
10 to 18 beers on the weekend "especially Friday night" is a lot of alcohol.
People deceive themselves regarding "hard alcohol". Ethanol is present in ALL alcohol drinks - beer, wine AND liquor. 12 oz of beer, 5 oz of wine, and 1 1/2 oz of 80 proof liquor ALL contain the SAME amount of ethanol. It matters little what 'form' He partakes - it's the amount of ethanol He is ingesting that is problematic to the havoc addiction will wreak on His body AND His relationship with You,
His calling You selfish and saying it is You that will send Him "back to the hard liquor" is an excuse to do as He pleases and rather than take responsibility for His own choices He is placing blame on You. That's wrong on every level.
You have choices too and my hope is that You will choose not to live with a situation that causes You to "cry in hiding, at home, at work", A relationship that is "affecting You negatively" is not a good relationship. You have the right, the ability to choose an alcohol free life for YourSelf, even if it means moving on.
Alcoholics notoriously "blame" their drinking on other people or situations and refuse to realize (admit) they are addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is progressive and He will continue to drink more and more with time - unless He gives it up entirely. Alcoholics also notoriously hide the amount They drink from others and They notoriously lie about how much They have drank. 2 or 3 or 4 drinks smell the same as one drink. and They almost never realize how drunk They appear to others. They think we believe Their lies.
If You are not going to leave this situation, please, please don't bring Children into the mix. Children DO NOT deserve an alcoholic parent.
P.S.
You say "apart from the drinking He's a great guy". I have no doubt that is true. Good people become addicted to alcohol all the time - but remember - alcohol does change who they are - an inebriated person is not (cannot) be the same as a sober person - it's simply not possible.
You will find a lot of support here from people who are in recovery from alcohol.
10 to 18 beers on the weekend "especially Friday night" is a lot of alcohol.
People deceive themselves regarding "hard alcohol". Ethanol is present in ALL alcohol drinks - beer, wine AND liquor. 12 oz of beer, 5 oz of wine, and 1 1/2 oz of 80 proof liquor ALL contain the SAME amount of ethanol. It matters little what 'form' He partakes - it's the amount of ethanol He is ingesting that is problematic to the havoc addiction will wreak on His body AND His relationship with You,
His calling You selfish and saying it is You that will send Him "back to the hard liquor" is an excuse to do as He pleases and rather than take responsibility for His own choices He is placing blame on You. That's wrong on every level.
You have choices too and my hope is that You will choose not to live with a situation that causes You to "cry in hiding, at home, at work", A relationship that is "affecting You negatively" is not a good relationship. You have the right, the ability to choose an alcohol free life for YourSelf, even if it means moving on.
Alcoholics notoriously "blame" their drinking on other people or situations and refuse to realize (admit) they are addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is progressive and He will continue to drink more and more with time - unless He gives it up entirely. Alcoholics also notoriously hide the amount They drink from others and They notoriously lie about how much They have drank. 2 or 3 or 4 drinks smell the same as one drink. and They almost never realize how drunk They appear to others. They think we believe Their lies.
If You are not going to leave this situation, please, please don't bring Children into the mix. Children DO NOT deserve an alcoholic parent.
P.S.
You say "apart from the drinking He's a great guy". I have no doubt that is true. Good people become addicted to alcohol all the time - but remember - alcohol does change who they are - an inebriated person is not (cannot) be the same as a sober person - it's simply not possible.
You will find a lot of support here from people who are in recovery from alcohol.
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