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Can't stop.... :(
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Can't stop.... :(

I've been a binge drinker since I was about 14. It's the biggest problem for me. I recently got off Percocet after being on it for 3 years after a car wreck. Now I'm trying to address this major issue I've had forever that has been inhibiting and interfering with my life. I've always reached for alcohol to have fun. On the summer days on the beach(illegally hiding it on beaches as well), in the winter: taking a break from the slopes getting some liquid courage, all year round hanging out with friends or playing games with family. There is always a reason to drink. It's actually under contol a lot of the time, but many times(too many) it has escalated to a binge night. I've had 2 day drinking sessions without stopping. People recognize me all the time and I have clue who they are. It *****, I work at a dental office, and last week someone said they see me all over town often. I only go out when drinking, so I have no clue, and it's so embarrassing. I've done horrible drugs while drinking. Including crack!!! Ew. Good god. I am so fed up with the eradic behavior. My major car accident a couple years back, I met a guy at a party, and wanted to party more, wanted to go swimming to a remote place up in the bush at a lake, was fooling around while he was driving, then when for about 5 flips over a cliff.... It was a nightmare. Now if you knew me, you'd know that is very out of character for me. I am no ****, no easy person, I have long term relationships, but when I drink, I am different, careless. I don't know why I do it. I guess to "unwind" after work or whatever reason I have at the time, and it just escalates all to frequently. I don't mean to whine and sound like "whoa is me". But this has been eating me up. I have a counsellor who I see weekly, but I just need to tell my stories to more people. I feel lost with drinking. Even last night I went out with work friends, I arranged a dinner and bowling trip. I was uptight after work. Drank martinis, pitcher of beer, bottle of beer, 1/2 L of white wine in 6 hours while bowling. I know to some, that isn't all that much, but this was with work!!! Oh god, so embarrassing. I don't want my professional life to fall apart...

It seems worse the older I get. I'm turning 29 in may and my binging is just making me feel like a loser. I am a shy person with a reputation in my town as a drunk. One time I saw a guy I went to school with, and he was so angry with me. I was confused and asked why. I guess one time previous, he had a party at his house after a rock concert in my town(which I hardly remember as well) and he said I was breaking and throwing stuff!! I have absolutely no recollection and usually do even if I have no control myself, I ususally remember(as if I'm watching a movie...lol) I only assume I was drugged, or did some sort of crazy drug. It's just horrible. I have been to AA and find they don't quite work for me, actually I want to drink more after them. I have went to a meeting with women only b4(they were in-patients and it was a drop in meeting) it seemed to get to me in a good way, but I only went once... I have had suggested to me to go to a centre for a while, but I just can't. Mortgage and I'm single... So not working for me. I know there are always excuses tho...

Any suggestions as to where I go from here?? Love and light to you all...
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It seems to me that its not the issue of AA not working for you....you haven't become completely sick n'tired of being sick n'tired to give up the alcohol and go to any lengths to quit!
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Hello. Do you want help? If you had cancer would you accept radiation and forego the chemo? You are not a bad person wanting to become good, you are sick and needing to get well. Give it time and the reputations, job, and mortgages won't matter any longer, they will become the problems you used to have that have been replaced by greater ones. You don't have to live like this, but you must be willing to surrender. Take care, GM
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It seems like you DO want to quit and want to get your life back on track. It seems like you've been drinking a lot and taking prescription meds (not really a good combination) as well as other things. It may be VERY dangerous for you to just stop on your own. Long-term binge drinking can have serious withdrawls if you suddenly stop. I would DEFINITELY talk this over with your doctor and see what he/she thinks about the best way for you to proceed. They might suggest an inpatient facility which I know you're not real keen on but you have to be willing to do what is neccessary to get your life in order. Your mortgage might not understand but your job might have some sort of sick leave allowance. Check with your boss and/or HR department about this. The reality is that this is a MAJOR life change for you and it has to be the most important thing in your life right now. You need to be prepared to sacrifice and change if you want to get better.

I do have a few ideas for you though.

1. AA: I know you said it didn't work for you but it might just be worth trying it again and for more than a meeting or two. Some people find it to be a lifesaver. At any rate it's worth a shot.

2. How about a little straight-forward therapy to deal with some of the traumatic choices and experiences in your life, i.e car accidents, blackouts, drugs, etc. Your therapist might be able to help point you in the right direction and at the very least help you make sense of things and sort them out. If money is a problem then consult your local church and see if they offer any type of support group or counseling services. My local church had a therapist parishoner who would offer free sessions to members of the congregation on occasion. Your local phone book will probably also have some emergency numbers for counseling hotlines like suicide, depression, and alcoholism. Speaking from experience the operators at some of these national helplines are pretty good and can point you in the direction of some local support groups or counseling services.

3. A little exercise never hurt anyone. Take a walk, join a gym, do some yoga, etc. It's not going to be the answer to your life but sometimes a little phyiscal activity, a little movement can help keep you on track for things. Sometimes even a little change can go a long way. Also, when we exercise we also work out our brain and it releases chemicals that combat depression you are almost certainly experiencing already and may potentially deal with during your withdrawl (withdrawal) and initial sobriety.

4. Listen to some classical music. I defy you to be anything but peaceful while listening to classical music.

5. Don't keep this a secret. Don't delude yourself into thinking that nobody knows what you're going through. If you're really in trouble and you really need help: Don't go it alone. Friends, family, etc. You won't be able to hide it from them. They probably already know you have a problem. They probably knew before you did. They're probably concerned. A system of support around you is a good thing. There are people who care about you so don't shut them out. It's not as if you can hide it forever anyway.

6. Remember a bad experience and when you're tempted to drink again call it into your memory. Remember how drunk you were and how sick and bad and awful it made you feel. Don't punish yourself for it, remember it and say to yourself: "I don't want to feel like that tomorrow morning." Then when you wake up sober take a moment to realize what it feels like to wake up clean and coherent and without a groggy head, dry mouth, red eyes, and a splitting headache.

Be prepared to make some major life and lifestyle changes throughout this process. It's going to be tough and it'll require you to change your routines, habits, and overall lifestyle. It's worth it in the end though. I stopped drinking 22 days ago and I feel a lot better for it. I wake up earlier, I get more accomplished when I'm awake, and I feel better and healthier each day.

It's worth it. Good luck and keep us informed.
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Thank you so much. I don't mean any disrespect to the others who commented on this, but I really felt terrible after I read them and decided not to seek help on here anymore. But today, I thought I'd just see if there were any more posts and I'm happy I did. Thank you for the advise. It's great to feel understood. For those who thought I don't want to be sober and happy aren't correct. I want a pure life, hence my name... I do play classical guitar and accoustic, and I've been picking it up more lately. I have cut down the drinking, but seem to still have those 2-5 drinks a day in the late afternoon/evening. I plan to try out AA groups once my house and yard are in order. (I recently bought a house and have been working away on it..  Which has definately helped the drinking, I'm too busy:) ) I started walking this morning. It was wonderful, and I will definately take that on to help me. I need those endorphins running through me! I am pretty positive lately and it feels so good. I have a long way to go, and a switch still to turn on(being quitting drinking completely). I have more fun without alcohol!!!! :) God give me strength...

And You are very right with keeping secrets. I have done it all my life. I try to get it allllll out when I see my counsellor. I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. It drives me to the bottle! And boy do I ever remember all the terrible mornings waking up and thinking "what the hell was I doing!" And how horrible I always felt... yuck. Then I would reach for the Percocet(which is no longer for about 1 1/2 months now! )

Congrats on your 22 days, oh, I guess now it's 25! That's great. I remember one winter I quit for about 4 months when I was about 22. I stopped for 3 weeks in november 2009. So I know I can do it! I just need to keep busy. And join groups. I'm going to do it. I hope the light of the universe will help guide my way... But I always know, it's my choice as to if I'm going to have that glass of wine or not. No excuses, no blame. It's all up to me...

Have a wonderful day.
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You're welcome. Hope all is going well. Message me if you want to talk more. Good luck!
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1311328_tn?1273669292
People come onto these forums for support and help and because help IS wanted.
It is not the best for someone like You to be commenting telling someone she is not Ready when she has said she is and is clearly showing she is.
Some things do not work for "everyone".
I use to see a drug and alcohol counsellor and disliked seeing her as I would drink more and she actually let me drink in our meetings.
Do not be so judgemental of other people
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a counselor who allows you to drink in your meetings needs to have their license revoked.I have a hard time believing that this would go on in an agency?why did you not complain to the director?
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You were allowed to drink in meetings??  I find this really hard to believe.......
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i find that very hard to believe as well!
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1311328_tn?1273669292
I was not involved in Alcohol anonymous meetings, she was and still is a counsellor for a community centre. I seen her on a weekly basis and she was very relaxed and a caring person. She moved to the service she is now working just over two Years ago and is now working with people who are under the age of 24 in a community centre. She is not a bad counsellor she just allowed it because she knew I was under stress and she did not push anything onto me. She actually was and still is although I stopped seeing her a very good counsellor and was recommended by a lot of people.
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I do not believe she should have her license revoked at all she has previous experience with addiction from her own life and that is what Younger people want someone with experience who has come through on the other end. She cared and listened I would much rather someone who is caring and let me drink than someone cold who was difficult to communicate with. She was an easy going person and most likely realised there is no point pressuring someone into not doing something they will do either way if they are under stress.
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This sounds alot like the "cool parents" who let their kids drink and smoke weed in the house because "they may as well do it while we're around so we can supervise them."

I don't want to turn this into a back and forth argument on the board but needless to say, regardless of how you view this therapist or your experience with her, simply allowing alcohol to be consumed in a therapy session is wildly inappropriate and potentially very dangerous. It is a breach of professional conduct at the very least and possibly illegal as well.

"She has previous experience with addiction from her own life..."

All the more reason why sitting across from someone drinking isn't the best idea in the world and all the more reason she should understand how deconstructive it can be. Not to mention the simple fact that most therapy sessions take place during the day and she'd be encouraging / condoning drinking in the middle of the day. Also not healthy.

"I would much rather someone who is caring and let me drink than someone cold who was difficult to communicate with."

It's not like those are the only two choices in the world. You could have a compassionate, caring therapist whom you could communicate with that didn't feel the need to allow you to drink during the day.

"there is no point pressuring someone into not doing something they will do either way if they are under stress."

Therapy is not about pressuring someone. It's about helping them make informed, responsible, healthy choices. You go to counseling to help get over your problems, including addiction. A therapist who takes the stance of "you're going to do it anyway" is admitting defeat and not helping anyone. She knows full well you're not going to conquer your problems overnight but allowing the problems to manifest in the middle of a therapy session is no help. Where do you draw the line? Would she let a pot addict smoke a joint? How about a heroine addict? Crack?

It's not healthy either way. And yes, she should be reported.
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I drank at all my counseling meetings too......it was called the bar.  She needs to be reported.
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Right on Westguy!i agree with your sentiments 100%!!!Backtopurity-I see u live in Austrailia.If that is the way counselors are allowed to behave over there which is enabling and hazardous and truly sad-would u leave a session after drinking and get in  a car and drive?I have been sober/clean 26 years.Here in the USA we licensed substance abuse counselors or any counselor would be fired for allowing a client to consume alcohol/use drugs while in session.I fully understand what my addicted clients are going thru...i've been there and done that!To allow what u r describing is happening is considered  insanely reckless and highly unethical here!
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I live in Australia and have seen counsellors over the years for child abuse and the last one was for my addictions as well,I used to drink in the car on my way to my sessions but no counsellor I've seen has allowed me to drink while having therapy,the reason my counselling didn't work when I was younger was because I had been drinking and wasn't able to be honest.I have finally been able to deal with all my issues in life with the counsellor I'm using now because I am sober and drug free it is the only way to deal with problems,you need to have a clear head.I don't care what anyone says no registered counsellor should be allowing you to drink at a counselling session,"my opinion only".

Denise
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You read my mind dear!i remembered you live in Austrailia and I was hoping you would post.Thank You!:)Hope you are happy and well!:):)
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I am feeling the best I have felt in years my life is wonderful and everything is going to plan.Thanks for asking

Denise
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P.S when I said I drank alcohol on the way to counselling I wasn't driving my husband was.My excuse for drinking on the way to counselling was because I was stressed,my husband accepted anything I told him.he never questioned me,it was love and he new eventually I'd realise there was a problem,it just took 34 years.

Denise  
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I love the new and improving Narla!!!!  You just keep getting better everyday girl!!!       sara
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thank u for clarifying that...on less thing to have on your conscience when one sobers up is the chance or reality of harming another as a result of driving under the influence.Someone must've been watching over me years ago as  I regularly drove with BAC'S in the double digits,and in blackouts for too many a time.I am ever so grateful I never harmed another as a result of my irresponsible behavior!
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After far too many experiments, I've found that alcoholism truly is progressive.  If you've crossed that magic line, your drinking and your reaction to alcohol will get worse over time.....not better.  Once you come to this realization, you cannot cut back.  You simply have to stop drinking and move on with your life.

You're young- do this before you lose a bunch of years.  There's nothing wrong with giving up alcohol and finding other interests.......at a certain age, being "the drunk" ceases to be funny and becomes pitiful.  I think it's great that you're realizing this now, but take the final step and make a decision to quit.  Otherwise, alcohol will continue pulling you backwards.  
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I do not see how it has helped turning this post to the drug/alcohol counsellor I once had. I understand where You're coming from and if I had a daughter or a sister or someone I cared about seeing her or even someone had told me I would have probably said exactly what You said however I do not have the same problem I once did and I stopped seeing her when I was seeing her. I am not going to live with the idea of taking someones job away from them because they did something that shouldn't have been done when if I hadn't seen her in the first place and she hadn't been offering to help me it would not have happened.
This is not an argument and I understand where You're coming through so I am not going to say anything on your opinion but at the same time I am not going to judge someone else on right and wrong and their decisions.
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If there is a time for judgment, this is it.  Why are you hijacking this person's thread?  
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1311328_tn?1273669292
I do not see how giving someone advice and replying to comments that were made to me is hijacking a thread. I think You need to re consider Your thoughts. I do not ignore people and I am not an arrogant person. I find it rather amusing that You direct that post at me when I have replied to messages made for me.
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Usually the reason we go to a counselor is for them to HELP us with our stress, not to add to it........Are you sober now?
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I think it is better to continue this on a new post or through inbox as it is obviously upsetting other people. I am sober Yes and have been for quite some time I do drink still but only occasionally with my partner or socially. I actually stopped due to falling pregnant but regardless it helped me.
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i don't think anyone is getting upset here!Sober does not mean drinking occasionally or drinking still.Women who continue to drink in pregnancy risk their child having fetal alcohol syndrome.It is a sad sight to see.Sure hope u stop for the sake of the child.
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I stopped drinking through both my pregnancies but then started socially drinking again after I had given birth and it didn't take too long for it to esculate to every day again,just be mindful of what your doing.

Denise
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I was drinking on a daily basis and am no longer drinking on a daily basis. I had complications with that pregnancy but I stopped drinking for the 5 months I was pregnant. I did not continue to drink occasionally until after the pregnancy. 'Are You saying that I have to completely stop drinking to be sober'?
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I am "Sorry" that You had to experience the addiction again and that it turned from drinking occasionally to escalating to the same before You had stopped.
Thank You for sharing that and I will be careful and mindful.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes dear....sober means a complete abscence of any type of alcohol or drug that you would choose to ingest.I am confused here.....do you have a child?or did you lose that child?Many of us here have tried controlled drinking...or better put what we rationalized to ourselves was controlled drinking....and we did not suceed at it.So we created ourselves neverending circular misery with it...and decided to surrender to the fact that we have an allergy to it......one seems to be never enough.I knew at 19 deep down in my soul that i was alcoholic/addict.....i FELT it.......but i told myself i'm too young to stop...all my friends party.....i like the feeling...ignoring my blackouts drunk driving and dual addiction to drugs.It was at age 28 that i surrendered after countless failed episodes of so-called controlled drinking/recreational haha drug use!
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Yes, Ibizan is right about this.....the true nature of an alcoholic is someone who can no longer drink in a controlled manner. No matter how much we try to control, we end up in the same "mess" of excess, drunkenness, and blackouts.  Much of this happens irregardless of the consequences in our lives.   At this point....when you've finally had enough....you make a decision for complete sobriety.  There's no other choice left.  
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Everyone here is making some very good points and sharing valid experiences.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everyone who drinks heavily is an alcoholic either. Alcoholism is not defined by how much or how often you drink but rather when you continue to drink despite the drinking having negative consequences on your life.

You can be an alcoholic and still only drink socially and you can be a non-alcoholic who drinks more heavily than that. It's really up to you to see if the amount of drinking you do is having a negative effect on your life.

If you can have healthy relationships, fulfill all of your obligations, make and keep appointments, go to work, etc.. and do all of the things you need to do in life without drinking getting in the way then maybe you don't have a problem with it. However, once bad things start happening and you feel compelled to drink even when you know it's not a good idea it's time to start thinking about changing your lifestyle.

Personally I was drinking 3, 4, maybe 5 nights a week. Sometimes more. I'd tell myself "It's okay to drink tonight because I don't have anything to do in the morning." And then it became: "I can drink tonight if I stop by X because that'll give me enough time to be sober for tomorrow."

And so on and so on it went. I also had thoughts like: "I probably shouldn't drink tonight because of X, Y, Z..." And then rationalized that I could drink anyway because of some stupid, half-sensical point I was able to convince myself of.

And on it went. I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle so I decided it was time to stop drinking. At worst: I'm an alcoholic, at best: I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle, drinking heavily, and doing a lot of damage to my body.

There's really no upside to drinking heavily. Over time drinking heavily will have negative effects on almost every organ in your body. So even if you're a "responsible" drinker be mindful of how much you're drinking and the potential physical effects if nothing else.

If you can go out only occasionally and have a few drinks and not let your drinking get out of hand, if you really can "stop" whenever you want to then by all means do it and have fun. But be honest with yourself about it all. A lot of us have lied to ourselves and to others for years about how much we were drinking and how badly it was affecting us. That's why you see some stories on here about people drinking for 5, 10, 20+ years before realizing they needed to make a change and get help.

If it seems like we all assume anyone who comes in here has a problem it's only because, well...this IS an alcoholism forum. We see a lot of the pieces come together the same way we saw it in our own lives. Depression, rationalization, uncertainty, warning behaviors and cries for help like drinking every day, drinking every day, drinking on the way to and/or during therapy, pregnancy complications, going to therapy in general, etc... just to name a few that have been brought up in this thread alone. People who have a problem also tend to know or sense it before they're ready to admit it to themselves or to others. They'll seek out help or guidance indirectly.

"Sober" in recovery terms means a lifelong choice to abstain from drug and substance abuse. It doesn't mean just stopping or controlling the worst parts.

Sermon over. Point is: be honest with yourself about how much you drink and how/if that drinking is affecting your life. Only you can see and know if you're able to drink socially and responsibly or if it's having consequences and you need to cut it out of your life completely.

If it's the first one then congratultions, you're better off than most of us on here.
If it's the second one then it's time for some life changes.

Good luck and good health!

30 Days.
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Avatar_f_tn
such good comments u make!so glad your here!And there are the weekend warrior drinkers......drink themselves silly on friday and saturday and pay for it on Sunday then pull themselves together for a work week and live for the weekend when they can repeat the previous weekend...rationalizing it saying well i don't drink in the morning...i don't drink during the week.....i don't drink at nite after work.....i go to work...my works not affected.....I could write a book on that!30 days is way cool!keep it up and stick with the forum..your insights are on target and very much appreciated here!:)
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I was forever making excuses to drink and not feel guilty,my favourite tv show was on,I've had a hard day,the football is on,my team won,my team lost,it's christmas,it's my birthday,it's mothers day,it's easter,it's a long weekend,I would find a reason to drink every night,then I was drinking alone in my room,finally the liver damage,no more reason to drink,all I had were reasons to stop,it took 34 years of abusing alcohol.Health problems will happen.

Denise
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you made me think of a few lousy excuses i also had.....i have two college degrees....I have this good job.....i don't miss work...oh i might go hungover and feeling like a truck ran over me and my head is pounding away but i do show up...and so what if i smoke half a joint b4 work....at least i'm not drinking in the morning....pot is different..its not a drug..its a herb!a herb with over 258 chemical compounds and only 58 can be identified as having specific effects on the body!what a trip down rationalization lane!:)
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I do drink still Yes a lot but I did not come onto the forum to ask for help I came onto here to give advice because I wanted to be able to support someone else and to be able to help someone else through a hard time.
In all honestly I am not ready to stop and I have a lot happening around me and do not feel as though I could be happier any other way. It is not affecting my relationship as my partner also drinks like me and his parents who we live with are not aware.
He is working and I am studying however I have always had complications with studying and working due to a few other problems but mostly not being able to feel comfortable around other people.
I know this is not going to sound right and I apologise but my head and my thoughts are never ending and I freeze and can not speak to anyone and am so insecure however when I drink I am a differant person. I can speak my mind and I feel like a better person and a lot more confident within myself.
I do not know any other way to cope and I believe it helps and if someone is happy than it should not be taken from than especially when there are not many other chances.
These are not excuses these are my methods of coping which (trust me) are much better than my past methods.
If I didn't drink I believe I would be dead today.
I do not have a child no, I have had two miscarriages recently which led me back to drinking and the first pregnancy I had (long story) best to say complications with and it stopped at 5 months. I have always wanted to be a mother and dealing with the loss of not only two miscarriages but my first pregnancy as well as many other numerous problems involving my family who I do not have contact with and my ex make me believe that alcohol is the answer.
I am not going to let myself put alcohol before my partner I love him however when he is drinking the same and is living his life well I find it hard to believe the alcohol is causing more damage than good.
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I appreciate your honesty in letting us know you are not ready to quit drinking.However it is not rational that you came onto the forum to help others and give advice when you are unable to address your own problems.At the top of the page it explains that the forum is for those with loved ones or who themselves are trying to quit drinking.I hope the day comes when you are willing to commit yourself to recovery for if you don't this will worsen and more problems will abound.
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Avatar_m_tn
I cannot tell you whether you're an alcoholic or not, but your reasons for drinking are not healthy ones and they could eventually lead you to a very bad place. I used to function better with alcohol- I actually thrived on it for a period of time, but it does not last if you do this to excess for a period of time.  

The physical damage is well documented too, including hormonal imbalances (which do not help the pregnancy issues).  

While alcohol can "mask" problems, it does not make them go away and it's actually a depressant.  After the effect wears off, you're left with the same problems and an altered state of mind.  Don't waste your 20's by doing this - you can do a lot of productive things in your life, but not if you lose yourself in alcohol.  For what it's worth, the purpose of AA is the teach you how to live (and really live) without alcohol.  It's not just to simply stop drinking.  It's a free program, so think about giving it a try.  It might help you deal with some of your other problems.  
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I did not initially join medhelp for this group I joined it for the groups surrounding mental health Disorders, I didn't realise You were not able to post.
I understand that it may sound hypocritical but I was not in here to tell someone to stop I was in here in the hope of helping someone feel as though they were able to talk to someone. The same as the Mental health forums, I do not feel I am 100% well but I still do not like other people to go through this.
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Thank You, I am already seeing Mental health regarding My Mental health issues and trying to keep up with study which I am failing. I am seeing someone who is aware of my drinking pattern, I know she is not experienced in dealing with alcohol related problems but she would have spoken to many I am sure and I think it is best I deal with the reasons I am drinking first in order to be able to cope without it.
I am aware and this is not something I have not thought about I grew up with parents with alcohol drug problems and lost them at a young age because of it (not lost as in result of death) and have been surrounded by it and always detested it for the damage it caused.
I do understand I just feel like there is much worse that could happen at this time without it. I know it is only a bandaid relief but I believe the same of any medications someone can be placed on which is somehow viewed as okay by professionals.
Thank You though, it is appreciated
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There is a saying in AA and i have found it to be true.....one stops drinking when they are sick and tired of being sick and tired of their drinking!Treatment and counseling are merely guides,mentors supports......no human can make you stop and we all know that.I occupy the other chair in the office..and see ppl  on a hourly basis destroy their lives,their health,ruin marriages,relationships with others,ruin relationships with their children....commit suicide,die from drunk driving..you name it I see it after 25 years!And there are ppl i have been working with on/off for 25 years who are now getting sober/clean after destroying so much of their lives.You do not have to be one of them!You don't have to repeat your family history,you can rewrite it!And I hope you do....you are so young.It is truly sad to see ppl doing the same old same old for years and end up in their 40's and 50's and 60's with nothing.I wish and pray for you to find recovery ,better health and happiness!
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Thank You...
I do not want to hurt other people, I do not believe in drink driving and speeding etc and I do not plan on drinking through any pregnancy or around children I do not that it does hurt them a lot and affect them later in life.
I am not sure how many people have said that and if it is normal for anyone with a drinking problem to say it but I honestly do mean it.
I know as stupid as it sounds I do consider myself to be a nicer person when I am drinking if I am around my partner because he is safe to drink with and tend to relax a lot more.
Thank You for Your kind words, it does mean a lot
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I too used to think i was a calmer nicer person when i was drinking/stoned on pot...it was just a mask for the raging inferno of emotions within me.And when i got sober/clean i had to face these demons within me.....and a few ghosts....and in time i developed better coping skills.And there are good medications out there for depression/anxiety that are not habit forming....Klonipin (klonopin),Ativan and Xanax are addictive for ppl with substance abuse problems and not reccomended by a doctor who is educated on addiction and helping patients with addiction problems.I looked at your photo......you are a gorgeous young woman!Stunning my dear!:)i will pray for the best for you in life.....so many of us here have battled with what you are battling emotionally...and we have dealt with things and have developed tools to deal with life and its challenges on a daily basis.....we only wish that you someday may have what we have now....it is well worth the homework!:)
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Thank You again, it does mean a lot. I have tried Antidepressants in the past and it seems to make it worse, also mood stabilisers but the main medication I have been on is seroquel and zeldox in the past Anti psychotics although they helped much it was still not enough only enough to make me feel as though I were a zombie which was putting me back to square one because I ended up not leaving the house and doing what I needed to have done throughout the day instead was sleeping.
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so you are on the geodon and seraquil now?alcohol will intensify their effects which with these two will zombie you out...and alcohol is central nervous system depressant which as you know makes you feel more depressed a day or nite after drinking.....and then the meds....such a vicious cycle of downers here.so glad u don't drive after drinking!
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I take seroquel and temazapam that I have when I need to sleep (rarely) I do not sleep well ever since being prescribed seroquel for so long. I stopped the Seroquel 6 months ago when I found out I was pregnant again and than after I miscarriaged just over a month ago decided to try without it while I could however my therapist does want me back on medication now but I will not agree to seroquel again. Zeldox I swapped for the seroquel I was only taking one in exchange for the other but I ended up resorting back to the seroquel I really didn't like the zeldox at all. So at the moment No I am not on any medication, I do take Panadeine forte a lot to help me feel more comfortable around other people and temazepam and phenurgan to sleep occasionally but not seroquel
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I am so worried about you when I read your story it's like I'm reading my own story,I was also addicted to codeine and used phenergan to help me sleep,I was also taking a sleeping tablet when I could get the doctor to prescribe them and it was so I could feel"normal".You really need to talk to your doctor about what you are taking,I have liver damage from mixing alcohol with codeine Please be careful and talk to some health professional about what damage you are doing to yourself.Take Care

Denise
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Thank You Narla and I am "Sorry" to hear of Your own experience with this.
I am "Sorry" about your liver it is really sad.
I take the Phenurgan and Temazapam to sleep when I need to I only sleep maximum 6 hours so if I am able to I enjoy more, sleep can be really good.
The panadeine forte I actually use when I have appointments as it numbs me in a way and when I feel in a daze I feel I can be open and relax more otherwise I avoid eye contact and usually cover my face which was starting to frustrate my therapist I found the pandeine worked and it helped with tafe etc. Unfortunately I am falling behind though
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If this is how you want to live your life there is nothing more I can say,except have regular checkups and get a yearly liver function test,It's a simple blood test.I hope you stay healthy,Good Luck

Denise
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If there is one thing I've learned, it's that people who have been in recovery for longer than me know more than I do.  After making too many mistakes, I will gladly listen to their advice as opposed to making more.

The potential damage to your body and well-being become very real once you get that first blood test.  
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There has been so much good advice being offerred here.We can only hope that ppl use it to their benefit.And over that we have no control!I thank the both of you for your posts on this forum and look 4ward to many more!:)
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It's never a problem and it can't happen to you until it does... then it is.
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it dawned on me a few years back that the lessons we learn in life and accepting our addiction is akin to the last part of The Wizard of Oz.....Dorothy says to Glenda the good witch......"You knew i knew how to get back to Kansas the whole time!!!Why didn't you tell me this?"Glenda smiled,waved her wand and giggled and said "You never would've believed me...you had to find out for yourself"!Well in this forum we do tell ppl what will befall them...what they can expect but in all reality they DO have to find out for themselves!
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I was an alcoholic when I picked up my first drink at age 15, It took over 20 years for me to stop drinking, I did not like the taste of what I drank but loved the buzz I got and wanted more. life past me by in a drunken blur, Life was a blur of self-pity, depression and fear. My health suffered because of my drinking, my family & friends suffered because of my drinking even complete strangers suffered because of my drunken behaviour and yet I was blind to all this suffering I was causing. I was detoxed many times but did not want to stop, eventually I did stop, I hit rock bottom,  when I began to understand my situation and started to understand I could not drink again it was like some one close had died, it was an emotional roller-coaster, stopping drinking was ok but getting sober was the hard part, I had to surrender to the fact that I could never drink again, I had to brake down this definitive wall I had built up during my years of drinking but  most of all I had to recognise and accept that my life was out of control because of my drinking.
Sober today as I have been for the past eight years a day at a time and grateful for everyone of them :)


Ray
      
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If you think about the whole journey Dorothy and the gang went on it is all about discovering ones self.  They all made it thru the good times and worked hard on getting thru the bad times and never gave up.  Each one came out successful in the end.......I never thought to much about that movie but i have watched it for years and years.  This year when i do it will take on a whole new meaning~~~~~~sara
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Was channel surfing the other nite and came upon a episode of Intervention.A counselor was in a group of teens trying to address their denial and the i'm to young to quit this stuff.A young man,age 17, who'd graduated from the program came in2 the room to talk to them.He has 14 months of recovery!They asked him don't u want to use at times?he said oh yes but i TELL myself....NOT NOW i will not use NOW...and it passes and if it comes up again which it does and will and i repeat it to myself and all my not now's have accumulated to 14 months!How cool is that?i sat there and said oh yessssssssssssssss...yes yes...i can relate to that!
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That is quite the young man.......He had to get clean when he was barely 16.  That is wayyyyyyyyyy cool.  Shows some real strength and determination.
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he put a smile on my face!i recall attending my first young ppl's AA meeting when i was 28 and 30 days sober/clean.there were ppl in that room in their 20's with a few years sober/clean......i sure did respect and listen to what they had to say!
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My only regret at being clean is that it took 34 years to realise things had to change.Fool that I was I waited until I was told I'd damaged my health.

Denise
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it is good to focus on the donut hole and not the hole my dear!:)U've come SUCH A LONG WAY!!!!in my first year of recovery I had nagging guilt shame and self recrimination....and in time it dissolved...and it took a few years for me to come to this sense of inner peace.....it is unexplainable why we go thru what we do to get to where we're at today.....just seems to be how life spins!I once heard a AA lead early in my recovery....man had about 30 years sober and he said he kept his past in a spare room with the door cracked a tad.....in order to not forget whence he came....but to realize the fullness left in the other rooms of his life and to be grateful for that!:)
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I try to focus on tomorrow and next week and next month and next year,but still remember what I was doing this time last year,sitting in my bedroom drinking 10 to 12 glasses of bacardi after I'd taken 6 to 8 codeine tablets half the time denying to myself what I was doing,not going out because I didn't want other people to see what I was doing,and I couldn't go a night without my fix.

My how things have changed

Denise  
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it is wise for us to never forget what we WERE like..or else we're apt to repeat it....when i am talking to one who is newly sober/clean and they talk about their guilt shame and sense of being  a failure.....it takes me back....i remember those feelings well....and feel better today for all the past todays i refused to drink/use and FOCUS on HOW I could make my life better and did!which is xactly what you're doing!
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