Couldn't do it

I feel that I owe it to those of you who have followed me.  I never made it the 30 days.  I got to about 15 days....  I feel ashamed to have to tell you this.  I've had a few drinks here and there, nothing crazy til this last weekend where I completely blacked out.  Hours I can't recall.....  I was out of town with work people, my husband has no idea I got "that bad".  I just couldn't tell him.  I knew it was a matter of time til I lost control again.  I know I'm an alcoholic, I'm powerless over alcohol.  Why I can't get out of this cycle I don't know.   :(

[ibizan]

Because this is a disease girl!!!!!!ever considered going to inpatient for detox/treatment?

[GoPens66]

I know how hard you tried...but truly none of us have done it alone. You need help and/or AA. Good luck

[addict3]

You said you knew it was a matter of time til you lost control again.
Should that tell you something?

Many, if not all of us who are in recovery and sober have done the same thing  that you did many times until we found help.

You have to do it yourself but, you need help to be able to figure out how.
Find something that will give you some accountability, another person who you trust to talk to about this. Talk to people here, this is some of the best help you could ask for and it is free.
But you still need that face to face presence of others.

Getting sober is one of the best things I've ever done with my life, I hope you find that out.

[Nighthawk61]

When you get to the point that you know you're in for a black out , you really need to quit the nonsense. You're putting your job in jeopardy, as well. There's no quicker way to become the focus of gossip then to black out during a company party, and no quicker way to lose the respect of your employer. I take it you need your job? You don't want to do something that you regret while blacking out, and believe me when I tell you, you can get yourself into some pretty incredibly embarrassing situations.

When you quit for the 15 days, did you have any program? Because if not, you really might as well not bother, in my experience. I think you need to be accountable to your husband, and ask for his support. But, please plan on AA, online or in person. This is too much for you and your husband to handle alone.

[Runner3]

I don't need inpatient or detox.  I don't drink every day.  I can go days without drinking, but when I do drink I have no off switch.  My intentions are to always be in control, but the sad truth is that I have NOT been in control way more than I have been.

[Runner3]

  Believe me, I have woken up many a times scared to death over what I may or may not have done the night before.  I remember blacking out in college a lot and not remembering if I slept with someone, how I got home, what time I got home, etc.  I have made an *** out of myself more times than I can count do to drinking.  I have embarrassed my husband so many times.
   I have a four year college degree, three kids, a great husband and a wonderful job.  I don't need to work, but want to.  My boss thinks the world of me and has even talked with me about my drinking.  He doesn't know how bad it is, but he has seen me at my not so greatest moments.  I get a crazy look in my eye that gives it away......  I love my kids more than myself which is why I don't get why I can't just stop drinking.  I feel like a social degenerate and weak without alcohol.  From the outside everyone thinks I have this great life, which I do.  I'm very blessed to have a husband that has stayed with me despite the fact that his own mom is an alcoholic and now he's married to one.  I tried AA in the past and was always afraid of who I would run into and never connected with anyone in the group.  I know I need to do something.  

[sweetface7]

I wish I could tell you something helpful but I am on the same boat. I can go without it for days but then when I am around people at any gathering (evenings) I feel like I can't ever handle the social part without drinking.. Now I just avoid socializing almost completely and hoping next time maybe just grab something non-alcoholic to sip on something, keep myself busy and leave early...it is hard.. Good luck with getting well:-) I wish you the best.

[Runner3]

Thank you!  I hope things work out for you too!

[ibizan]

i had a bachelors degree, a masters degree and held down a professional position in a very visible public agency.i probably wouldn't be typping this had i not gone to inpatient and availed myself of the many self help groups out there.AA ,NA, RR, SOS......i qualified for them all.i took what i could use and left the rest.29 years sober/clean!i owe it to my willingness to admit defeat,surrender to the programs plus awesome ppl w/great recovery who helped me!

[dominosarah]

Your thinking is way messed up.  You are still justifying your drinking.  You dont have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic.  All the behavior is there along with the thinking.  There is nothing good that will come of this.  It is a long lonely road that leads to death and you are not exempt from that.  I hope you take a good long look at what is going on here.  Your drinking is only a symptom of what is really going on.  It's your choice, i hope you make the right one.

[rpooo]

Runner3

Jan 20, 2013
..Hi everyone,
I am on day 3 of being sober.  That sounds so pathetic to say, but it's a big deal.  I can't remember the last time I went a Fri and Sat night without drinking. (except when I was pregnant)  My husband has been very supportive!  He did have two beers himself this Sat night, while cooking out burgers, which pissed me off a bit, but  I had perrier lemon water in a glass and felt fine.  Of course my husband walked in and freaked cause at first he thought I had a vodka tonic poured.  Getting through this weekend wasn't that tough.  The real test will be in the next week to come.  I have an event with some girlfriends coming up this week and we have dinner at some friends this upcoming Sat.  Dinner that my friend has been saving a bottle of wine for us to share.....  She is a good friend, my wine drinking buddy though, but I'm just going to tell her I've made this decision and she has to back me up!  The other challenge will be when my hubby is gone late for work and I'm home with the kids by myself.  It's usually dinner time I make a cocktail and enjoy some tv while making dinner. That is when I get into trouble cause a glass or two of wine turns into the whole bottle plus some at times.  When my off switch in stuck on "on".....
I did find a great site online, "thesobrietysolution.com.  Had some great info on there.  It's a 30 sobriety solution method, a bit pricey though so I'm going to wait to see if I struggle.  I'm amazed at the time I've spent telling myself not to think about not drinking.  I truly have to relearn how to socialize and live without alcohol.  It was so much a part of my life.  We were just invited to a birthday party for a friend of ours.  A big group of drinkers, with dinner and bar hops.  Needless to say I told my husband NO WAY was I going to put myself in that kind of situation.  He agreed!
I have to say and I know it hasn't been that long, but I can feel my husbands attitude towards me change already.  I've hurt him so much in the past that I feel like I owe him this much.  Even though I think about not drinking, I'm not thinking of drinking, if that makes sense......
So yeah for day 3 and tomorrow I hope to say yeah to day 4!  Thanks for reading"

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Alcoholism/Need-to-quit-drinking/show/1882858#post_8753120
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I was just reading this post and I wonder, what happened to this lady? She had a great plan and seemed to really be determined and have it all together! You knew what were the right and wrong choices.

Don’t give up trying! What about your husband and children? Don’t they deserve better from you? It sounds like you have it good and I am really happy for you but I have lived long enough to know that my precious little world can change overnight and you would be foolish to not think it can happen to you.

When you went to your work party you must have known what it was going to be like?  You even said your boss has had concerns in the past. When you decided to go you were giving up your sobriety then. Do your best to avoid these situations, look to your husband for support or come here and chat with us. Finding other things to do really helps  but most of all knowing that your letting down the people you care about hurts the most and may give you the strength you need to become the person you want to be.

Your absolutely right about relearning how to socialize, I found that when I quit I didn’t really even know who I was without it. It’s a scary feeling but give it time and it’s so rewarding. You will feel much more confident and healthier.  No more hangovers or worrying about your actions last night. Your family deserves better and so do you. I hope you the best for you, don’t give up trying. Find new ways to make it work for you. It’s been nearly three years for me and from time to time the idea still sounds good but find other things to do, your sobriety is too important and a personal goal you should be proud of! Take care Runner.

Randy

[10356]

Hi Runner. I have been following you and silently rooting you on in your struggles to stop drinking. I had stopped 4 years ago although I have had 3 slips. Those 3 were enough to convince me I can never go back. Like you I drink till it is gone and I black out. My husband also drinks but he has a OFF switch I do not... He still drinks although he has cut back now that I do not, I think that is natural for him to do as he is not a alcoholic.. he can have 2 beers then switch to water. I cannot.... In the beginning it was difficult for me to watch him have a drink to have it in the house. what it came down to is realizing I have no control over what he does only what I do and boy was I tired of apologizing for bad behavior I was so tired of waking up sick of the bloat from booze of the damage I did in my children's eyes them seeing me drunk angry crying.. gosh I look back at a few times I was smashed and I shudder... I screwed my heath with booze. It dulls and thins our hair plays havoc on our skin, veins, heart, kidneys, eyes, liver. emotions love life relationships.. alcohol is so destructive but yet we bring it into our familys life's.. The one person who is suppose to protect our family brings the enemy right to the heart of it and Believe me the family feels it.. I send a Prayer for you that you have not given up and that you beat your addiction. I never in a million years Believed for a second I could be Happy straight. I'm very Happy I feel very good and my family is Happy. It was the best decision I ever made... lesa

[Mihel]

Hi Runner3:  just keep trying...don't give up trying to quit.  I've relapsed a number of times in the beginning of trying to quit, and then just said f.. it all, I may as well go all out, but that hasn't helped me at all.  I just get right back into feeling crappy and doing stupid things again.  After a year of relapses trying to go it alone, I finally took AA seriously, joined a group, got a sponsor and decided I could no longer sit on the fence.  Remember, alcoholism is a disease which you are not responsible for, but you are responsible for getting help and kicking the habit, and there is a lot of help out there.  Now that you know you are an alcoholic it is your responsibility to do something about it.  Keep on trying!!!!!!!

[dominosarah]

How are you doing runner?

[Nighthawk61]

You don't need to drink everyday to qualify for drug and alcohol treatment. The only requirement is that if your drinking has become "unmanageable", and it sounds like it has for you, but only you know what your expectations are for your life. When I was drinking and doing drugs, my expectations were way too low, for me, or my family.

I had a glimmer of hope when I started to realize what you have, "I know I need to do something~"  Something is no longer the easiest path, it takes an adult's courage and conviction. There are many really good people at AA, that have very important positions in business, and in society. In other words, you would be in good company. People are aware that addiction touches all families.

Quitting for me was all about regrets, and stopping myself from continuing to add more to the long list. I kept it simple, and it's worked well for me. Almost at day 5000 clean and sober. There's no difference between you and I, we both suffer from not being able to handle our drinking and having regrets. I can tell you that I haven't missed drinking for almost 14 years now, no sweat, no hardship, no regretting my choice, no embarrassment in AA, only fellowship.  It's great to feel good about myself everyday now. It's great to not have to wonder how my husband thinks about me after my getting out of hand with booze, or drugs. It's good to know that i'm a good role model for our kids. The best part is that i get to enjoy every waking moment clean and sober. I would hate hate hate to be anything but, that's for sure. I would never take a sleep aid that would give me black outs like Ambien. Whereas I used to like the feeling of blacking out, and escaping, I now only want to be present.  I feel like i've refused the devil entry into my body and mind, and that's really freeing........ I really really appreciate Randy's post, i sure wish i had him to help me when i was going through what you are going through now.  It's incredible that there are such people at our beck and call, all we need to do is to reach out, anonymously. I used to think there was some sort of negative stigma attached to the fellowship, now when I enter the rooms, or think of the meetings, I realize it's just a bunch of really great people, with really great testimony and fellowship. I pray that you somehow, find the courage, to do right by yourself and your family, and let in some people that can help you. God Bless you Runner, time to stop running from your regret and run to the help that's now available. I did it for my son, at first. Then I did it because i liked the feeling, like no other. Sobriety rocks~

[Nighthawk61]

If I drank today, I would black out, 5000 days later. This disease is always progressive, the devil always remembers your name. There's no escaping it. Glad you're back Runner. Get serious about this disease now, and avoid anything worse happening. I had to court once, and they had me on video tape while I was using. It was an eyeopener. Your actions will get more and more out of hand, and then you'll truly know what your bottom is. You can avoid that kind of inevitable bottoming out, if you want it bad enough, to work on it like the rest of us. It's up to you. Don't wait until you wake up in somebody's bed that has taken advantage of your black out, and get pregnant, or an STD you can't hide from. Don't wait until you get an assault charge, and or a Disorderly Conduct, Drunk in a public place.