End stage stories

I'm bringing this topic back because it was requested. Anyways, if you have a story to share please feel free to post it here. I'm working on the med health page and I can add your story to it.

[boogieman]

If anything, I have learned that I don't want to die an alcoholic death. Hopefully, I've had enough of hell on earth, but I can't say "never" because I have a disease that tells me that I don't have one. A few years ago, I was confronted with the cold reality of untreated alcoholism. Someone close to me began drinking heavily in part to silence the punishing voice of their conscience. They had only used alcohol in moderation up to the last few years, and had been given a clean bill of health just months prior to a sudden decline. Being an alcoholic myself, I saw the progression from occasional use to excess on a daily basis. But I was unprepared for what  was to come.

I received a phone call informing me of this person's admission to the SICU of a local hospital. They were suffering from severe abdominal pain, and the doctors couldn't figure out why. When I saw them, it was obvious to me that they were also experiencing symptoms of  acute alcohol withdrawal. Our brief conversation on that day would turn out to be our last.

As the next days passed, the pain became so intense that a morphine induced sleep was the only way to keep them stable at all. But after a week, organ failure became the paramount concern. As the sickness progressed, kidney failure and a cardiac arrest prompted an emergency exploratory surgery. Inside, the surgeon found a mass of infection where the now liquefied pancreas used to reside. These septic remains had spread throughout the body, propagating organ failure. The surgeon cleaned as much away as he could and predicted a dismal outcome.

Two weeks after that first phone call, I was forced to make a decision as to resuscitation efforts to be utilized when the next inevitable crash occurred. Their survival would be precarious and very limited at best, with complications such as diabetes, constant pain, having to relearn how to write and speak again, and an overall quality of life that would be a mere shadow of their former self. That was in addition to the breaking of ribs and other agony that heroic measures would entail.

I tried to put myself in the same position as best as I could and made the choice. For the next three hours I stood bedside holding the hand of someone who had always been there for me, and watched the monitors display the heart rate decrease to an unchanging horizontal streak. The last moment consisted of a sudden strong squeeze of my hand and a mix of blood and other fluids from the mouth and nose. It was finished.

I still relive that final scene on occasion, but try to use such morbid flashbacks as not so subtle reminders of not just who I am, but more importantly what I am and what lies in store if I try to drink again successfully. Just for today, I haven't forgotten.

[jml1986]

  My story is a little different then the previous poster. It has been two months and I will never forget what I saw that night as my uncle lay dying. He had been sober for ten years but the damage was already done.
  I got the call on a Wednesday night around seven telling me to get to the hospital. Since we had for years been expecting this, I thought that it would not effect me the way it did. I arrived at the hospital just as they were bringing him in. I stood with my aunt and cousins waiting for them to come and tell us that he had not survived the trip. That did not happen. Instead they came out and said they would come and get us when they had him settled in the emergency room. After that it was us endlessly taking turns going back to see him and telling him goodbye.
  What I saw that night was not my uncle the way I had known him. Instead there was this very yellow man whos stomach was so swollen that I thought at any minute it could burst. He was so yellow that the only way I can describe it, was that he was the color of a banana skin. This included his eyes, and even his lips and tongue.
  Some how, and I don't know how, he was still awake and taking to me like it was just another day. From seven pm to three am, this endless visiting went on. He eventually started coughing up blood and after awhile they had to suction it out, but yet he still lay there talking. You could tell he was getting weaker by the minute, but it seemed as if he had so much he still needed to say.
  At three am they decided to move my uncle to a private room. We all told him that we would be up to see him as soon as they got him settled. We all said our I love yous and we went out to wait until they said we could go up. At three thirty they let us go up to see him. I remember his two grandsons going in the room as we were walking towards it, and they just walked in and came right out sobbing. My mom who was a former nurse went in to see him and then came back out and told his daughters they needed to get in there. As we all went in the room together, there he laid, no longer awake and talking but he had slipped into the coma in that thirty minutes while they were moving him.
  For the next thirty minutes my cousins, my mom, my aunt and I stood around his bed singing the hymns that he had loved to sing when he was going to the nursing homes to sing for the elderly. We watch as his breathing got slower and slower, and then it stopped. My mother checked him to make sure he was gone and the sent me out to get the staff nurse. The nurse came in and confirmed that he had passed away, but said they had to have the doctor come up to call it. He did.
  The staff left us alone with him, while we all just stood there holding each other and crying, but said to let her know when we wanted her to call the funeral home. It seemed like forever standing there, but I know it was only a few minutes, when the nurse came in and ask us to leave while they did the post mortum prep. Once she was done we went back in and we all kissed him goodbye and waited for the funeral director to get there.
  The next time I saw my uncle was two days later, laying in his casket. He no longer looked sick, and they had done a great job removing the fluid from his stomach and covering up the discoloration of his skin. By the time the bodies get to the funeral home, the skin is no longer yellow, it has now turned to gray from all of the poison in the body. Thankfully the were able to cover that up and make him look normal.
  We buried him three days after he passed away, and as I stood there, I knew that this may have been the first time that I had seen an alcoholic die, but it would not be my last. For me this sadly will repeat itself because I have other famly members that drink just like my Uncle Bob did, and I thank god everyday that when my own father passed away nine years ago, it was a sudden death, because he too was an alcoholic and had he lived, he would have died the same painful death that my uncle did.

[Suzyq0826]

Wow....that had to have been horrible and it just scares me even more about what my husband is going to eventually go through.
Question for anyone that might know...the really swollen stomach...my husband looks as if he's about to give birth, yet is fairly thin overall. Is this the commonly referred to "beer belly" that people laugh about as men get older, or a sign of something much more serious?
I only wish I could find a way to convince him to get medical treatment now while he still can.

[Tink70]

"Swollen stomach" can be a sign of liver disease.  The liver becomes inflammed and bloated and pushes the stomach and then the stomach becomes swollen.  Does your husband have a yellowish color to him?  Are the whites of his eyes kinda yellow or really yellow?  That is not a good thing if they are and he needs medical attention.
Luck to Ya'

[jml1986]

The so called beer belly can be a sign of liver disease, but at first it starts out as weight gain by drinking too much. However if they continue to drink, it will most likely will indicate liver disease. As Suzyq0826 stated they skin and eyes will start turning yellow when the liver stops functioning as it should.

Sadly it is hard to convince an alcoholic that he needs to see a doctor. However, you can talk to your husbands doctor and let him know that you would like his levels checked when he goes in for something else. Doctors are real good about getting bloodwork done without to much explaination. Us women are usually the ones to schedule the appointments anyway, so it is pretty easy to have it slipped in.

Good luck

[Suzyq0826]

I've never really looked at my husband's eyes other than just looking in his eyes when we're talking or something, never really looked "at" his eyes. We went out for dinner last night and from across the table I was looking at the whites of his eyes...they are not bright white, there is a yellow cast to them that I hadn't noticed before. Now I have to wonder, just how yellow is yellow? How bad is it and how much worse will it get?Then I started to look at his skin, it's difficult to tell if there's a yellow tint because we've been out in the sun lately.
I'll never get him to the doctor, he did the one physical for me a few years ago and won't ever go again unless he feels seriously ill, and it would have to be incapacitatingly ill at that.
We did both sign releases to access each other's medical information, I think what I will do is talk to my doctor at my next appt coming up in the next few weeks and discuss this with him and find out just how bad his initial blood work showed his liver enzymes to be. Then maybe we can sit down and talk and come up with a plan.

[Jacker]

It's best not to wait until you're incapacitatingly ill - As a general rule, once your liver begins giving you severe symptoms, you are already in big trouble

[Suzyq0826]

I totally agree with you, but how do you get a grown man to do something he absolutely refuses to do? He's a smart man, but prefers to bury his head in the sand on his own health issues.

If there was something wrong with me, or one of our children he'd be the first one insisting on a doctor visit.

I think his fear is not only the treatment that he might require, but that it would definitely involve giving up alcohol, and that is not something he is prepared to do.

[Grace724]

From what you've said I'd bet your husband has ascites. Go here for explanation: http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec10/ch135/ch135e.html

If you are seeing a yellowish tint to the whites of his eyes, that could be a sign of the jaundice associated with liver disease. Go here for more information: http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec10/ch135/ch135b.html

You can call your doctor today and have them send you a copy of your husbands bloodwork. I get copies of my husbands every time it's taken. I keep them in a file for future reference. Once you have a copy of his blood work you can go here to get information on what each number means: http://www.labtestsonline.org/index.html

Armed with that information you may be able to convince your husband to get himself to a doctor for a complete physical. This will help your doctor know what to do to help him.

Good luck. I know how difficult it is to deal with a bullheaded husband. Mine ignore his hepatitis C diagnosis for years. He ignored the diagnosis of fatty liver for about 4 years and then he found himself in the hospital this past February with Hepatic Encephalopathy. Very nasty symptom of liver failure. The man truly thought he could dodge this bullet (HepC and fatty liver) but he was sadly mistaken. He goes for a liver biopsy in 3 weeks to find out the exact status of his liver. I'm afraid he has damaged it to the point that the only thing that will help him is a liver transplant and he can't get that until he has achieved one year of sobriety and is determined to be sick enough to be placed on the list. He has type O blood so he can only get a transplant from another person who is Type O. Our doctor says that could take quite some time. He may very likely die while waiting. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around all of that some days. Other days I just feel shell shocked. I knew this day would come...I just didn't think it would come without more warning. One day doing fine and the next almost in coma from increased ammonia. Scary.

Good luck to you and your husband Suzyq.

~Grace

[Suzyq0826]

Grace, thank you for the information and the websites. I will call my doctor's office and look up what those numbers mean and take it from there.
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with now...and I am trying to convince my husband that it a miserable way to go. It's like I can see it coming, I just don't know when or what to expect and helplessly watching him suffer is something I dread.
His attitude is just so...I don't know, I think stupid is the only word that fits right now that I find myself getting more frustrated with him and his stubborness.
Good luck to you and your husband also Grace. It helps to be able to talk to people going through similar situations. Thank you.
Suzy

[Jacker]

Alcohol dependancy will make you ignore these health issues.  You lose a certain amount of rationality.  I did this too.....for years, I didnt' want to know what was going on, even though I was getting more and more symptoms.  

If he broke his physical addiction, you would see some rationality return.  Until then, I would keep hitting him with the symptoms that you notice.  There are a lot of people out there who wish they would have stopped drinking a little sooner, because they could have recovered.  Your husband may still be at that place in his life (where physical recovery is possible).  

Grace is correct - go read some of her older posts and you'll get her whole story.  

I think the "one day at a time "motto has a lot of truth to it.  It's tough to tell someone they have to quit drinking forever, because they don't want to hear it and a whole life of sobriety is too much to grasp.  You could try telling him to take 3 months off to get his body back on track.  Tell him to do it for you, and that it's only 3 months out of his whole life.

I say this, becasue that may be enough time to break the cycle, and you might be able to get him in for testing during that period.   This is just a suggestion.  That was how I stopped - I said I was going to lay off for a few months until my body got back on track.
Once I stopped, a lot of rationality returned, and I didn't want to go back to those daily drinking habits.  

[Suzyq0826]

I guess all I can do is try. When I bring up his drinking he gets very defensive and takes it as a personal attack, so I try not to focus on the drinking, more on my concerns for his health.
It's also a matter of timing, because the sober person I see in the morning is not the same person I see at night after work. He is much more receptive to a rational conversation if i can catch him before the beer starts flowing. Saturday or Sunday morning might be a good time, he doesn't drink coffee but will drink water or juice for a couple hours before I hear the can top pop and "it's 12:00 somewhere."

[Suzyq0826]

Hi all...I finally had a talk with my husband last night, kept it about his health and my concerns and tried not to be critical or give ultimatums. I basically told him we needed him and wanted him around for a long time. He was very receptive, at least he listened to me...but I'm not thrilled with his idea. He suggested that he might quit drinking if I didn't have a problem with him smoking pot instead....he thought he'd need to take the "edge" off. I think he might possibly be substituting one addiction for another, but he will be giving his liver a much-needed break and healing period. Any thoughts from anyone that's been there?

[Jacker]

I think he should take a stab at being sober before moving on to the next addicttion.  I agree that pot isn't as hard on your organs, although I think long term daily use will fry your braincells (this isn't from any medical study- I just know people who do this!)

If nothing else, you have to remove variables when you're dealing with a problem.  If you add pot, you have another variable.  If he is feeling strange, is it the pot, lack of alcohol, or another medical issue?  Those are your variables, right?  See if he can get his brain back on track with NOTHING, which is the natural way our bodies are meant to operate.  I guess, that if he can't deal with that after a few months, you always have the "pot option".

Being sober isn't so bad, he just needs to realize this - -- and he'll never realize it while he's in the midst of drinking.  I will say that sobriety is easier if you keep yourself occupied (no more vegging out with endless beers, like I used to do).  It will be very difficult the first few months, but he'll know where he stands at that point.  

This is where the "one day at a time" phrase comes in.  It's difficult the imagine spending the next 30 years sober, so you don't - you just live each day as a separate item, and enjoy what you can on that day.  

Getting his attention was a good starting point though.  Stay on that angle- (ie: telling him you want him around for a long time).  

[Suzyq0826]

I totally agree with you, I don't think substituting one for the other is a good idea at all...although at the rate he's going, long-term use won't be an option.

I think he is just really scared of quitting...and truthfully doesn't really want to. I think the offer of a substitute was to placate me and propose a compromise. What I really think would happen is that he'd just be smoking pot while he's drinking.

I don't know....maybe I should just give up and let him live his life as he chooses. We all know you cannot make someone quit drinking, he has to want to and right now he doesn't.

My father was a fire-fighter in Chicago...I remember one time he caught a child playing with fire...and took him to visit a hospital burn unit. Wonder if the same kind of shock therapy will work with my darling Mr. Stubborn?

[Sandman1981]

Hi guys, I am dealing with the whole trying to quit thing, I am 26 and I don't want the rest of my life to be dictated by a bottle. I have tried quitting before but was not very serious and fell off the wagon hard, I had been sober for a whole month and you do begin to think clearly. I only drink on the weekends but looking towards the weekend simple for a bunch of beers is no way of living. I am away from my family now but I found out great news yesterday, I am heading back home in 4 months and back home I know with my family's support and my non drinking girl friend I can keep it controlled. I am not feeling too good now, yesterday was my first day truly sober in the past 4 days with no alcohol at all and the anxiety and hangover feeling kept me up almost all night I got maybe an hour of sleep but I doubt it. As long as I can get over these 2 days I will feel much better and finally be back on my feet. Thank you for all the support, and lets try to keep helping everyone we can out there, thru wisdom and preview experiences I belive we can achive it.

[scaredtodeath1]

My mother was an alcoholic, I say was because she passed away on March 25th 2008 from complications of Liver Disease.

My mother was an everyday drinker for the 10 years prior to her illness, she drank wine.  She started to show signs of minor swelling in her legs (edema) and after I had to convince her, she went to the doctor.  Her doc told her that she had cirrosis (cirrhosis) of the Liver and Hepatitis C.  She quit drinking on that day!  For the next 3 years that she lived with this disease she went through bouts of Ascites, Edema, and hepatic encephalopathy.  My mother was a very petite woman, and when she could not control her swelling she looked and felt like she was 9 months pregnant.  She would have to get her stomach drained of the fluid and even then she would constantly get asked when she was due.  She lived for almost a year with her stomach like that until she was able to get some control over it.  But just as one symptom subsided another would show up.  It was in the last 6 months of her life that on a routine scan of her liver they found a "mass" on her liver.  It was just befor Christmas that the doctors confirmed that it was Cancer.  Now because I did alot of research on the progression of the disease, I knew that there was a great possibility of cancer with cirrosis (cirrhosis) and with hepatitis too.  She went to have chemotherapy done on Jan of 2008.  Chemo left her very weak and almost unable  to care for herself, not to mention that she reacted to the meds and had to stay across the state alone for a week.  When she came home it was constant doctors appointments.  Her  hepatic encephalopathy became much worse and it brought her to the hospital on several occasions with ammonia levels off the chart. She lost all her hair as a result of the chemo. It was two weeks prior to her passing that I found her  semi-conscience in her apartment, I knew it was her ammonia levels.  My brother had been to see her early that day and she said that she was not feeling well, but he made sure that she took her meds.  It was 8 at night that I found her, her meds were not working.  While in the hospital we became aware of her kidneys not functioning properly.  Her sodium levels were too high, so she couldn't take her meds to keep the swelling down, and to top it all off she lost all control over her bowels and had to use diapers.  She was also unable to walk, so she couldn't get to the bathroom anyway!  My mother left the hospital on a Friday, and was transferred to a hospice center.  It was Easter Sunday that I walked into her room to see her semi-conscience and gasping for air.  She looked at me and said that she was scared to die...these were her last words.  She died early on Tuesday morning.  My mother was 55 years old.  Her death was not something that was easy, she struggled for 2 days to breath.  The pain that she went through prior to her death was not easy either.

But something good has come from her being an alcoholic, she had three children that she left behind, and not one of them drinks!

[Sandman1981]

Well I am happy to say that I have been sober for two days already, totally sober, not one beer and it feels good to be almost back up to 100%. Day by day you see your self transforming back to that person you were before the nasty addiction and that is a big incentive to stay sober. To you ladies out there dealing with stubborn husbands wait until  they are fully sober and bring up the fact that you would love to grow older with them and that their drinking is speeding up that process, that instead of drinking they should be cherishing every moment with you, that's how my girl friend got me to stop last time but when I am away from her I am some what weaker, but I will have to be stronger this time and stay clean. Thank you for all the stories shared.

[nanabandm]

I've been on here a few times about my husband who has cirrosis (cirrhosis) and whose liver decompensated. He had the hepatic enceph and edema and he pulled through. But within one day of being out of hospital and having not had a drink for the three weeks (ish) he was in hospital, he was back on his beloved Guinness. He is now drinking every day. How may? No idea but in excess of 5 pints easily. He forgets his meds and i have to give them to him. It's a weird life at the moment as it's like watching 'dead man walking'. Horrible. He's very bizarre tonight. Talking the most complete bollocks you've ever heard and he's really getting on my nerves. I'm sitting here thinking "WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE". Love and loyalty is a pain in the arse don't you agree?
Hope you are all getting through your day and good on you Sandman for being strong. Jacker - it's like looking in a mirror reading your stories. Similarities are very strong but my husband is further along than yours so keep posting if there is anything which you think I could help you with. This forum is fantastic and has helped me more than i can say. Love to all - Jill (nana) xxx

[TJack]

First off thank you for bringing this thread back MJ.  If these stories aren't enough to scare anyone to sobriety, i don't know what would.  My heart goes out to all of you.
I never knew it could get so bad.  I am so thankful i am on track with the drinking.
i have been so upset about my Mom i sent my husband to a friends pool party without me last night.  I knew i should not be around any booze, because it would be too hard to not have a six pack.  It is best to avoid the temptation when one is stressed and anxious.  I feel much better today, more at peace.  Giving it over to God and prayer does help.  Also great support from here and my sponsor.  Thank you to all for sharing your stories. Tonya

[MJIthewriter]

You're welcome, though I think it was someone else who bounced it up to the top. I'd like to see people add onto the medhelp health pages as well. I have two, one being a duplicate of stories I've found on the forum that I felt were worth saving and the other being people's stories that made them want to quit.

I don't have to be the only member adding onto those pages.  The only requirement is that one must "join" the forum to be able to edit the pages. That is have the forum in their profile of "joined" communities..  If people on here are nervous about joining, they can just join temporarly to edit the health page.  I did that with the HPV forum when I found something to add into their community.  I'm glad to see someone later came up with something better.  The health pages are there for a reason. They are a great place to put links to helpful resources, etc...

For instance if anyone has any good advice they got anywhere, feel free to make a med page.

[Pickles4Me]

Weren't there a lot more end stage stories not too long ago?  Seems we're missing some...

[MJIthewriter]

There's one in the med health pages, and all over the forum, but to be honest I'm getting annoyed being the only person who bothers whit the med health pages, when I believe it should be something everyone whould contribute to.

So yeah, I stopped adding more to the med articles, but that does not mean that it should be forgotten about. It just means I want other people to take over what I started.

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Alcoholism/Stories-from-people-whove-seen-how-bad-it-can-get--end-stage-stories/show/127?cid=103

[tpac70]

I met a heavy drinker 15 months ago yet i never realized just how much he drank he was a great guy swept me of my feel he made me feel like i was the only girl in the world but then he changed i couldnt seem to ask him anything unless he put me down even asking about his work he would only ever say "you wouldnt understand" i kept trying to say id love to know about how your day was but it never happened, he would acuse me of seeing someone or if i hired a lawn mower man obviously in his eyes i was sleeping with him aswell or questioned my where abouts and 99% of the time i was at home, he would just go to the garage and drink excessive amounts of booze and talk nasty to me and then started the verbal abuse i was a C word and he spat on me also urinated on me and he thought that was funny and i said that was so uncalled for that its discusting, i tried talking to him about getting help or seeing a doctor and he always said he would but never did, he ended up moving into his own little unit where it didnt matter how much he drank as no one could see him, i visited him alot as we were still together, he would be nice for a minute then change so quickly about how wrong i am and how controlling i am and really im none of that, all ive been is helpful loving and caring and im treated so wrong, days can go by and i cant get a reply to a text i send him and then all the excuses come "im tired"  or "im seedy" or "ive just woken up" i found i was always asking if i could come and see him and id get a reply hours later saying "i just want to relax" or I have a headache the excuses keep coming, its just not me hes pushing away hes pushing his family away aswell i dont know what to do i keep saying im not going to text him today but i always do as im generally concerned for his wellbeing please any advice would be appreciated

[ibizan]

OMG! do u think so little of urself that u continue to tolerate this abuse?PLS PLS PLS RUN don't walk to the nearest Al-Anon meeting u can find!urinated on u?:(sigh!

[Nighthawk61]

Hello, just a head's up, i think it would be good if you posted in the Addictions Living with an Addict, or the Abuse (phsical/mental) for replies to your predicament. How to help an addict, that won't admit there being a problem? That is the concern of Alanon, and it would be a great place for you to start. The problem I'm seeing in your post, is not so much your boyfriend's problem, that's easy to see, and there's help for him. And, there's help correspondingly for you in Alanon. The thing is this, there are many underlying issues why a person chooses to use drugs and alcohol, and getting to that underlying fact is as important as anything else. But, what of you? What of your accepting a man who spits and urinates on you? What happened to you that it's okay for this man to do this to you? I came from abuse, and accepting abuse in my first marriage. I simply had no other expectation. I ended up with a wonderful man who is also an alcoholic like myself. But, he's not an animal and he would no soon urinate on another human being, drunk high, what have you , than to fly to the moon. You need to raise the bar honey, and move on and make you your project. If you can your boyfriend a big book, 12 step book and the Addictions forum of this site, then consider him handled, and get on to living your best life, and finding a man who is good to you, and incapable of that type of behavior, include in there cheating, and you might find a man worthy of your obvious caring nature. If you need to talk, please feel free to message me. My husband and I are both clean and sober since July 1999. Maybe we can help? Liz