First Time Quitter

[Uncertain2009]

Hi All,

I just wanted to post in here to gain some advice and some support.  I am an alcoholic and I would say borderline sex-aholic.  Here is my story as I write to you, drinking what I hope will be my last vodka tonic at my after work drinking hideaway.

I have lived many lives and worked many jobs, mostly pretty successful and/or decently lucrative.  In college I drank as a binge drinker., not every night, but when we drank we went 12, 15, 18, 20 beers deep into a day and or night party/event day.  Once out of college I drank socially for the longest time as a weekend warrior type. 8 beers on friday, 10 beers on saturday, maybe a few on sunday etc.  As time progressed, started drinking more days of the week. like an avg week was like this:
Mon:  None
Tues: Glass of wine or 2
Wed:  4 bourbons and coke
Thur:  6 beers
Fri:    8-10 Beers
Sat:  10-12 Beers
Sun:  None

Now moving forward to the last several years, I have progressively gotten worse.  This week for instance was as follows:

Mon:  None
Tues: 7 Beers
Wed: 4 Vodka Tonics at Happy Hour, 4 Glasses of Wine after
Thur: 12 Beers
Fri:    18 Beers
Sat:   12 Beers and 4 Yager Bombs
Sun:  18 Beers.

As I sit here now, I am at my local hideaway drinking a vodka tonic.  I am ready to change but I am so scared.  I have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter who I know will soon be picking up on daddy's issues and behaviors.  My wife has her gripes (rightfully so!!!!!!!!!) but I know that even she has no idea how much I actually drink, as I hide about half of it from her.  

Some of my behavior:
*Hidden Vodka
*Hidden Beer
*Extra mini-bottles in jackets/pants when we go to functions
*Sneaking around at bars/restaurants to take shots when I am 'going to the restroom or taking a phone call'
*emotional breakdowns that are totally alcohol induced
*Having to have a "trash round up" every morning to find all of my empties etc. and discard of them away from our house.
*Knowing I am a good dad to my daughter as far as my interaction and treatment to her
*knowing I was a good husband and I still am as long as I am not drinking.  I am not physically abusive by any means, but I know that when I am drinking, my behavior/actions/and companionship I provide is not what it should be for my wife.  I love her, but my relationship with alcohol is taking me over.
*Drunkeness leading me to the strip clubs to blow money on immediate attention etc.

i could go on and on, but I know a lot of you have heard it so many times.

I want to quit, I need to quit. I have to quit.

How do I quit?

I am Desperate!

[TJack]

I am 58 years old and the drinking took over my life the last 2 years!  I was sick to death of myself.  Sick of the blackouts and not knowing what i had done.  Thought my little grand daughters would be better off without me, those were fleeting thoughts Thank God.  My wonderful husband got on the phone and found a hospital near Portland Oregon for alcoholics, drug abusers and people suffering from depression.
I was detoxed (and that is what you are gonna have to do) and saw a pych doc everyday for 7 days.  She got me on am anti depressant that truly works!!  I got to feeling so good a couple weeks out i thought am i dreaming, if so don't let me wake up.  That is how good i felt!  This is all possible for you.  You just got to want it bad enough.  Don't cold turkey quit.  You need to be under medical supervision.  Hey they will give you librium and you will sleep the first couple of days and then you will start feeling lots better.  I am going to a psych once a month for meds and to make sure it is all working right for me.and also a therapist once a month (she's the one I unload all my thoughts and problems on).  One more thing, I told the psychiatrist i wanted to be on antabuse.  Just knowing that i am taking that and it could kill me if i had a drink or at the least make me deathly ill is a real deterrant from drinking.  It doesn't help with any cravings.  But, when i got on the right anti depressant my cravings and anxiety have gone away.  You sound young, so take care of this now.  You have to do it for you.  But that doesn't mean you don't want to be the best husband and father you can be for those you love.  Good wishes and make 2010 your year for a new sober life. TJack

[difficultjohn]

listen to tink70 !! you claim ' reading between the lines' your not that bad ! i had to die once and visit hells gate this time round and that didnt stop me !! i lost my sons ! that didnt stop me !! seen mates die from all the drugs and crap we were doing ! that didnt stop me ! iv'e just done 12 months rehab, im at collge; uni in september. got 2 of my song gettin released soon !! do you know what stopped me !! me !!!!!!! you have got to want to do it man !!

[Tink70]

I hate to say this but if Uncertain is "uncertain" about quitting then he aint hit his bottom and much of the advice he will get from those of us in recovery will go in one ear and out the other (although he will want to use it and stop).  Until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired then keep drinking.  
Until you realize that your life is unmanageable (and from the tone of your post - you don't REALLY think your life is unmanageable) then you won't quit.  Yeah, you might "cut down" for a little bit but it will just get worse after you give in to the craving. Yes, you genuinely want to and are truly worried about your daughter BUT...those things do make us quit and if they do, we don't stay quit for long cause you don't have a drinkin' problem as much as you have a "thinkin'" problem.
I wish you the best, though.
Tink

[rod44]

Well you need to stop under medical supervision, you need to get into a recovery program such as AA and you need to do it soon before your child looses her dad and by this I mean you will die if you keep up this kind of drinking....

Are you driving, shame on you if you are

you quit by putting down the drink you have and walk away, you get honest with everyone especially yourself and you ask for help as you are doing here so go see your doctor and explain how much you are drinking, not so easy when you don't have the support of your crutch.....

only you can do this, the help is there if you want it but you must ask for it

Ray