Getting off alcohol

[MGM155]

I've finally decided after very heavy drinking for about the last 2 years, ever-increasing tolerance, and lying to myself and those around me that I have to quit.  I'm planning on trying the home detox method by gradually cutting back, giving the bottle to my guy when he goes to work (I work at home doing transcription).  I have a prescription for Klonopin that I can refill next week and figured this would help some with the jitters.  

Lately, I've been drinking about a 5th a day to every 3 days.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to do this without going through a hospital, but I'm going to try.

Any suggestions from you guys would be very much appreciated.

By the way, this is my first post, and I'm glad I found this place!

[broknbck]

i am sorry, i know nothing about this. i am in a bit of a mess myself here. i do not drink every day. but that is only because i am hung over. so is it going to be dangerous for me to quit? i have really killer hangovers. no sleep, anxiety, and racing heart.

[MGM155]

I used to have hangovers but not anymore.  I do drink nearly every day and have gotten sick on my stomach, throwing up, etc., but don't have hangovers as I used to.  Now, I have the "shakes," the anxiety, and the racing heart, also.  It's just misery.  

Well, I guess I wasn't much help, but I appreciate the input, and it's good to know you're not alone.  Thank you brocknbck.  Maybe we can help each other.

[broknbck]

yes i have always tried to avoid drinking on a hangover. or the morning drink. but have done it quite a bit the last 2 weeks. i went through 3 bottles of wine and almost a fifth of vodka last nite. oh man do i feel terrible.

but it is the shakes and anxiety and racing heart that bothers me. and cannot sleep. so i think these are signs of withdrawl and it is time to get off this rollercoaster. i did not trade in an addiction to pain killers for this. hah but i guess i did.

so i think i may be alright doing this at home. but maybe you are in some danger there.
i really just don't know anything about this. but i have heard that you cannot just quit drinking at home alone and need to be in somewhere. but are we that bad yet?

it would be nice if someone more experienced could help us a little here- huh

[Pickles4Me]

I am not qualified to help either of you but I wanted to suggest that you check back here tomorrow.  We have 2 very, very qualified and knowledgeable people who regularly read the posts and advise.  I saw they weren't on tonight so I wanted to encourage you not to give up but to check back tomorrow.  

Their knowledge is always worth it.

[boogieman]

hello. abrupt cessation of alcohol consumption can be potentially life-threatening. depending on many different factors, you may be at risk of having seizures or suffering from a condition called delirium tremens. i spoke with a gentleman thursday night who is presently in a treatment center who has had 4 seizures while hospitalized. he now has neurological damage that may or may not be reversible. i have had both seizures and experienced d.t.s and they're not things to be taken lightly. a mild benzodiazepine such as klonopin will assist with some of the effects you mentioned, but it should be administered under the advice of a doctor. there are other parameters to consider such as pre-existing health issues, so the best thing to do would be to seek a physician's advice. properly monitored and medicated, you can likely be detoxed safely in a matter of days, but going it alone is dangerous. hope this is helpful and please keep posting. take care,  gm

[ibizan]

As usual boogieman is right on with the sound advice that I hope u 2 follow!with what the two of u drink detoxing at home could prove fatal.please keep us posted on what u decide to do!

[broknbck]

well i am just too sick to even think about drinking. are you suppose to like wean off the alcohol like you do drugs? i have poured out all the alcohol in my house. my friend here is helping a little. he said i shouldn't of done that. cause my body needs it....

going to a doctor is something i just will not do. i don't trust them and have no insurance or job. the herbal teas are helping alot with the anxiety and racing heart stuff. i am in pretty good health. eat really good, exersize , take vitamins and all. hah just beating the hell outta myself with the alcohol. i smoke way too much too though and that is not good on my heart.

so are there like warning signs of seizures? and what are these dilireum tremers? i go hiking in the mountains when i am not hungover. so maybe i should stay off the mountains for awhile? how long does it take to get your body on track again?

[boogieman]

hi. the threshold is different by individual, but the last time i had a withdrawal seizure, it had been 7 days since my last drink. if you can do a controlled taper, (i never could), try to have someone close by who knows what you're doing such as your friend. if things get really bad, go to the er and they can give you ativan or similar medication to help keep you somewhat stable. i wouldn't recommend driving, or any activity that could be dangerous if you blacked out, for at least ten days without any booze.

there are no clear warning signs of an impending seizure. delirium tremens has several potential complications, including vivid hallucinations, psychosis, increased vital signs, cardiac arrest and stroke. i'm forwarding some video links in a pm you can check out to show how bad it can get. take care,   gm

[broknbck]

so thanks for the videos. pretty scarry stuff eh.

so i am starting to feel alright now and no drinks since 4 am sat. the regular thing to do would be to drink tomorrow. if i am having no symptoms, then it is alright to continue no drinking? and if i do maybe i should have a glass or 2 of wine?

[ibizan]

i am chuckling here....spoken like a true alcoholic....u r thinking of having a glass or 2 of wine?the regular thing to do is to drink 2 morrow?with all the hell u have just described caused by ur drinking???i qualified for both AA and NA...cool saying in NA....Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and xpecting different results!

[broknbck]

ok now i am confused.
i am just not going to drink. not going to any doctor. some people say to wean off, ahh its dangerous to just quit at home, go see a doctor.......whatever.
i really don't like the idea of weaning because i will probably just keep drinking. that is pretty much what the whole problem has been all along.
i just never knew what was involved with being an alcoholic and quitting.

there was an aa meeting i went to out here when i got my dui. it was a pretty decent group and i felt out of place because i did not have the horror stories i was hearing back then. but i think i will feel more in place this time and see if they still meet. they could probably give me some good answers.

[MGM155]

Thanks so much for all of the sound advice.  I plan to do a gradual taper and have already cut my consumption quite a bit.  I can see, though, that I might have to go to detox.  I lost my health insurance, but there are 2 hospitals which say one can detox for free, and they're both close-by.  I've cut down since Saturday from almost a fifth every day to 3 days, and there's still almost 3/4 of the fifth left.  I haven't started the day with a drink since, well, yesterday.   Considering that having a drink was the first thing I would do every day (even getting up in the middle of the night to have a drink), I've made a teeny bit of progress, having 6 shots Saturday, 5 shots yesterday, instead of the usual, almost a fifth.  I truly don't want this in my medical record if it's at all possible to keep it out, with good reasons.  

If I see I  just can't do it, I'll just go check myself in and let them help me go cold turkey.  

I did have difficulty sleeping Saturday night and last night with only a few hours each night.

I am determined not to let the old excuses back in...and, as we all know...it doesn't take much to make one say, "Oh to hell with it, nobody cares anyway."  Chuckling myself here now.

[MGM155]

How can I get to the video link?   Thanks so much.

[cornczech]

Ya'll Do have a wee point about not wanting the alcoholic label on your medical chart....now every problem I have, (and I had plenty of medical issues BEFORE I drank...part of the reason why I began to drink), gets blamed on the alcohol......even my newly "gifted" seizures....even though I have a myriad of other medical issues and a positive history for head injury...I saw on my chart where my neuro listed alcoholism as the cause of my seizures....even though I began to seize almost 2 MONTHS after I stopped drinking...and that I had a history of migraine and other neurological issues that could have led up to epilepsy.....my point being that I wish I could have detoxed on my own and left THAT part of medical history in my closet, (right in there with my childhood abuse, 2 abusive marriages and a multitude of other "stuffed" items)

Good luck to all ya'll in your journey......I wish I could give THESE shoes a rest for a bit......

[broknbck]

are you still having trouble sleeping?
i just kinda got disgusted and disregarded everyones advice and went to my brother. he is a yoga teacher, holistic healer and all that kind of stuff.
so he told me to break out the herbal teas.

for calming down and sleeping- one that has
         passionflower, linden, catnip, valarian root,chamomile, hops -yes hops.
so it really calmed my heart down and the panic. and after 2 cups put me to sleep. hah- it really makes you drowsy. saved my sanity this weekend.
i cannot be sure it is safe for everyone, but it worked fine on me.

you sound pretty determined and i hope it all goes good for you.

[boogieman]

hi. hope you guys are doing better, and it sounds like you're willing to do what is necessary. i'll post the links on a journal entry so anyone can see them. take care, gm

[MGM155]

This week has been pretty good but not good enough.  I made the bottle last from Saturday until last night (Wednesday).  I dunno...I've just been "down" this past week.  

Yes, I'm still having trouble sleeping.  I have tried catnip teas along with the rest, but they just weren't very helpful to me.  

One of my main problems is that I really LIKE to drink.  I love the initial rush and that feeling it gives me, but then that's what got me into this mess to begin with.  Couple liking to drink with some severe life-changing events, and I let it get way out of hand.  My determination waxes and wanes, but I have to do this, for myself and for my family.  The bottle is now empty, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this....go out for more and keep trying to cut down or just go cold turkey.  More than likely, I'll get another bottle.

BTW:  The bottle wasn't a fifth; it was a half-gallon.

One positive note, though, is that I haven't been drunk at all for a week.

[MGM155]

I forgot to mention to you.... exactly what you posted is the reason one doesn't want "alcoholism" or "alcohol abuse" on your medical record.  Everything that goes wrong is blamed on drinking.  I worked at a university medical center in gastro for 9 years, and I know the attitudes of doctors when it comes to patients who drink.  

[boogieman]

hello. i can relate. i loved to drink. i loved the taste of liquor, the way it would burn going down, the warm glow it produced after a few drinks----but most of all i liked the numbing effect. it made it possible for me to do what i couldn't do myself unaided. it gave me a perceived higher level of thinking and social interaction.

then things started to change. i no longer wanted it, i needed it to function. without it i was completely withdrawn and unable to even answer the phone. this took me to some very dark places of desperation. a real alcoholic will improvise even if it means drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol mixed with fruit juice. i was up to a half gallon of vodka a day, and i couldn't go more than 2 hours without consuming several gulps out of the bottle. i would seek out sleep, but it was never there. best i could do was to pass out for an hour or so only to wake up shaking and full of restlessness and fear. if for some reason i ran out, i would begin to have auditory hallucinations and a feeling of dread that was indescribable. this was on top of the shaking that comes from the inside and the cold sweats. if enough time went by i might have a seizure, which would do a lot to convince anyone around me that i really needed a drink. by this time, also, i could no longer get drunk. couldn't get drunk and couldn't get sober. that was when suicide began to look like a viable option. the more i drank, the more i cried and shook. i was at the gates of insanity and death i had heard about long before.  

even once hospitalized, i would sometimes still go into d.t.s and would have to be taken to a psychiatric facility, as the line between reality and imagination would begin to disappear. only massive doses of haldol and ativan would keep me stable, but they also turned me into a zombie like creature, functioning at the lowest levels of consciousness.

every time i think about taking a drink today, (and believe me, i do), i think back to what i have endured and barely survived as a result. i have to do certain things on a regular basis like keep tabs on my emotions and reactions, i have to improve my spiritual condition, and i help others. these things make up an insurance policy that no doctor, priest, judge, family member, or object of affection ever could teach me. sometimes we almost have to die to learn how to live.

i hope you continue to strive for sobriety and keep posting. there is a solution, and as long as you have a desire to get sober, there is hope. take care,    gm

[MGM155]

You've really been down a long, hard road, my friend.  I really admire you, and you've given me hope!  I didn't go buy a bottle today, gm.  

What you have described is exactly the way I am about alcohol.  I don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone, even to the point of not wanting to answer the phone.  I'm not up to the amount of alcohol you described, but I can see myself getting there quickly.  Several days ago, I got up and went for the vodka and took a shot.  It immediately came back up, and I had to run for the bathroom.  What did I do?  I let the burning subside some and then diluted another shot with cold water and chased it down with more cold water so I could keep it down.  As I was sitting on the bathroom floor, dry heaving, shaking and sweating all at the same time, I just shook my head and wondered where it would all end.  

Thing is, I want to be sober, but I still want to be able to drink in moderation.  Sad, huh.....But I like it that much!  

Let me say again that I appreciate you telling me what happened to you.  I completely understand.  

One day without a drink, but I don't know about tomorrow.  We'll see if I can do it again, but I can't end up in the hospital, or I'll lose my job.   Working at home makes it so much easier to drink, you know.....   I'm starting to shake a little bit now and hope I can sleep some tonight, as I haven't slept much this week.

I'm having auditory hallucinations, too, especially if I'm getting ready to doze off.  I've also had sleep paralysis for the past several years which aren't pleasant experiences, either.  Fortunately, my guy is a light sleeper, and he helps me to wake up when he hears me screaming.  

Thanks again, gm.  I'll keep you posted if you'll keep talking to me, please.  I really need to talk to someone who understands.  Aww.. heck.. now the tears are starting... Geez..  talk to you later.

[KjFlicka]

I have totally been where you are.... so sick from the alcohol that I could barely keep it down. Besides the immediate risks of alcohol withdrawal, you all know what this is doing to you internally, right? I also know what you mean about down playing the problem to doctors and such. Here's the thing, though.... they usually know anyway. It's like one of those rules of three. When you say to a doctor or nurse you have 2 drinks a night and you're presenting with actual health problems, they know to multiply by three what you say. Alcoholics, when in the midst of their disease, are notorious liars. I'm not saying about everything, but certainly about their booze. After 4 years of heavy abuse, I all of a sudden had cirrhosis at age 34 ONLY from the alcohol. I also lied at the beginning about the real quantity of wine I drank. I've been totally sober since 2007 when I was diagnosed, and the world is really not that scary at all. And you won't believe what kind of support and proverbial high fives you get from just about everyone. I promise your life and health will improve 100% if you stop drinking totally.... just as mine did. I think it's a badge of honor to have faced and conquered this instead of eeking out like a mouse. Afterall, what kind of person would you be if you let an inanimate object actually rule your life? Not far from worshipping a bobble head....  

Hope this didn't sound harsh. I'm here to help and just let you know you are doing more now that I ever did when I drank, so congrats! and start getting your kicks with cool fruit concoctions and tea. Sobriety will make you high on life. :-)

Nicole

[boogieman]

hi there. ya, i used to do the same thing. take a big gulp and throw up. after awhile i started to throw up blood with my tennis shoes. but once i did i usually managed to keep a few shots down----long enough for them to hit my brain, and back to the same old bloodstream rinse cycle.

it is the great aspiration of every alcoholic (i hope it's ok to use that term----no one else but ourselves can make that call), to one day be able to handle our liquor and drink "socially" or like non-alcoholics. sadly, many follow this desire to the grave, or at to least places that are hell on earth. i tried to do it for more than 15 years----in and out of hospitals and psych wards, until i had all i could stand. all i could stand, but not all i wanted. there isn't enough liquor in the world to satisfy the thirst i tried so hard to quench, we cross a line at some point---and once we do, there is no going back.

i'm really concerned for you, as i lost someone very close to me who also did much of their work from home (my dad was a writer). this enabled him to drink whenever he wanted pretty much. and it killed him. by the time the symptoms of his condition hit, he was already dead---it just took a couple of weeks for his body to catch up. do you have any sort of support system at all? anyone close by who knows what you're trying to do? do you have a regular doctor? there are ways to make this process more tolerable and safe. please advise---you can get through this,    gm

[MGM155]

You don't sound harsh at all.

And you're right about doctors knowing.  The doc I worked for in the 90s told me the same thing about patients and how he multiplied the amount of drinking they would confess.

I know what it's doing to my body, and I know what it's doing to my life, and I don't want to let it beat me.

Intellectually, I know all of this.

But there is another level which I'm dealing with which is pure craving and wanting that feeling, I get from drinking even though I know the aftermath isn't worth it.

There are some triggers which I'm discovering, i.e., my guy's teenage daughter and her cousin are spending the weekend.  Long story short; it's very stressful, and a few shots makes it SEEM better, even though I know, I know, I know.

I'm on my 2nd day without a drink and not sure if I'll make it, as I have to go out later to pick up a few things.  I'm going to beat this.

Contradicting myself, aren't I?  

I know; no one said it would be easy.

[MGM155]

My guy knows, and he is very supportive.  I have a close friend who knows, and my oldest daughter knows.  All are supportive.  If I can't get a handle on this, I'm not going to make it.  At least that's the way I feel this hour.  Of course, when I'm drinking, I'm not "all there" for him, and we're very close.  We were friends for a long time before moving in together, and I can't hide from him.  It's a totally different relationship than any I've had before, and I don't want to lose him.  He's willing to do anything to help me, but I require a lot emotionally.  He's 10 years younger than I, but he's much more stable emotionally than I am.  

I might as well just give you "the story."  I was molested by my dad's best friend, who was also his fishing buddy and my uncle by marriage, when I was 9.  I never told my dad but did tell a cousin a couple of years later who proceeded to do the same thing to me.  I've been through 6-7 counselors, but nothing ever really helped get over it.  It's a soul-deep hurt that I'm not sure some people can ever overcome.  Now, I just try not to think about it.  I could add lots of details, but you get the picture.  My best friend died 2 years ago, and I have many failed relationships in my past but none of them failed because I drank.  I was looking for validation of some sort, maybe... I don't know.. so many issues...  I'll end this one by saying that this is something I also understand on an intellectual basis, but some issues are never completely resolved by knowledge.

I started really heavily drinking about 2-3 years ago, and I'm 55 now.  I never thought at this stage of the game I'd be dealing with becoming an alcoholic, but here I am.  

I've been reading everything I can find on the subject.  To think about never being able to drink again is daunting, at least to me it is.  I do have many good people in my life, and I don't want them to give up on me.  I don't want ME to give up on me.  I have too much to give to let it all go to waste.

[ibizan]

Sexual abuse is something no man or woman ever totally gets over....one never forgets that type of violation of themselves.....i think u move thru the pain as u make urself move thru life.....and there is a lot of **** in this life we MAKE ourselves move thru!If you have a good supportive partner who tries to understand and help that is rare and good!But if u keep drinking he will eventually tire of it and seeing u destroy urself that he may leave.....and u cannot let that happen!Don't look at it like u'll never be able to drink again...that is too big and overwhelming!Look at it as i won't drink for the next hour....as u make it thru that...then the next....then the next.....i was told early in sobriety don't let urself drink that nite...i won't drink tonite i told self......and i didn't and MADE self take butt to AA/NA....then i felt so much better the next morning....no blackouts...no drunk driving......remembering what i did...and $$$$ in the purse!

[MGM155]

So far, so good.  I am going to have to take it hour by hour.

Yes, he will leave if I continue as I was, and he means too much to me.  If that happened, it would be the end for me.  I know that.

[MGM155]

I made it through yesterday, and I'll make it through today, sober.  

I'll keep posting and keep you all updated.  If I fall, I'll let you know that, too.

When I went out yesterday to run my errands, I didn't let myself look at the turn in the road that would take me to the liquor store.  

Thanks, all of you good people who are taking your time to talk to me.  I don't believe I could have made it this far without your support.

[ibizan]

hour by hour......one day atta time.....like a caterpillar just inch along....i did it!and so many thought i would not succeed for as long as i have.....and u can do this 2 dear!:)sounds like u have a greyt deal 2 live 4!!!

[MGM155]

One of the things I hate most about being drunk is not remembering.  I swear, I don't remember much about the past 2 or so years.  I would always fake it when someone asked me about a good movie we saw on TV or whatever and say, "Sure, I remember."  I didn't remember at all.  That's what hurts me most.  I'm sure they knew I was lying but never called me out on it.  I've fallen and gotten hurt.  Right now I have a huge hematoma below my right knee where I fell getting out of the boat 2 weeks ago.  

It's 98 degrees outside, but I have fire ant hills to kill.....found out that if you poor root beer on and around the colonies, it works better than anything.  I've moved farther east in NC (the Asheboro area) and never encountered fire ants before now.  The root beer trick is something I learned searching for a way to kill them.  I was skeptical before we actually tried it, but it works!

I also have some plants to re-pot which should keep me busy for awhile.

[MGM155]

I forgot to mention that it's diet root beer used to kill the fire ants, but any diet drink will do which contains aspartame.  I knew there was a reason we shouldn't drink that ****!  LOL!

[ibizan]

wow i learned something new today!beer kills slugs...u put pans of it in ur flower beds and they r attracted to the smell of the hops/yeast in it slide in pan drink blow up and drown!when i bought this house my friend gave me uprooted catnip to plant.unbeknownst to me cats can smell the oil on the roots from quite a distance......so at midnite i see these feral cats rolling and flopping round in the catnip they dug up!they had quite the kittycatnip buzz going!THEN they saunter over to the flowerbeds and suck up all the beer in the piepans i had out!more flopping about.....it was hilarious but that was the last time i put a party on for the hood cats!!!!they probly told each other stories bout that for a long time:)i do not miss the blackouts..when i recall how many times i drove drunk and do not remember driving home the next day...who i coulda hurt.....so damn insane....i do not miss the killer hangovers and trying to get the hair of the dog that bit ya to kill that...oh no...sober is so much better!:)

[J_u_D_e]

Its good that you are trying to find a way to get off with alcohol addiction.  I think counseling could help you a lot with your plan to quit from drinking liquors.  Seeking for alcohol abuse intervention programs could add to your motivations and help you avoid relapses while having the treatment.

[MGM155]

We went to the lake yesterday, and I drank 5 beers over the course of 4 hours, but there isn't a craving for more today.

We talked about it this morning. Since I do enjoy drinking, I'm going to stay off hard liquor which I haven't had since last Tues. or Wednesday and limit myself to a few beers on Saturday/Sundays.  I'll see how that works out.  If I find that I can't handle it, then I have no choice but to stop altogether.  I didn't get drunk and my tolerance is so high now, that I barely felt them.  

On a positive note, I didn't go for more.

Hmmm..  I'm torn on this decision but have decided to give it a try.

I'll keep you posted.

[MGM155]

Hi, I haven't been drunk since my first post, but I have been drinking some, just not letting it get out of hand.  I have to say, though, that I do want to drink more.  I'll keep trying.

[boogieman]

hi there. glad you're still with us. keep posting as to your progress and best wishes,  gm

[ibizan]

many of us b4  getting sober  failed miserably at so-called social/controlled drinking....did what u r doing.....u have to see for urself!keep us posted and try to be safe!who drives u when u been drinking?guy friend?

[MGM155]

I don't drink and drive.  I have in the past, but I don't anymore.  I've been lucky and never had an accident or a DUI, but I know I've pushed the envelope.  Yes, Rob drives.  

I'll keep posting.  I'm not sure I can do this controlled drinking, but this is what I want to try and, you're right, I'll have to see for myself.

Thank you for talking to me.

[ibizan]

u r very welcome....so good Rob is DD......take care and yes u will hafta find out for self regarding sucess/failure with the so-called controlled drinking!my fav scene in a movie...like life and addiction.....judy garland in wizard of oz at end says to glenda the good witch...u knew i knew how to get home back to kansas whole time...why didn't u tell me?glenda smiles...waves that starry wand smiles big again and says u woulda never believed me....u had to find our 4 urself!:) so true eh?Rang true for me when i decided to make the committment to sobriety!:)

[MGM155]

Not doing so good.. but not because of drinking..

**** it!  Ain;t that the alcoholic way?   Just **** it all!

Oh... such a good-sounding  saying.. Just **** it all!

I have a close friend who is coming to get me for a little while..

I hate this god-damned life!

[MGM155]

I hate it just today...... tomorrow will probably be different.. but I hate this **** right now!
I'm so goddamned angry!
I wish I were dead!

[ibizan]

ok girl...breathe....ur having a manurebrain attack.....they happen a lot in recovery...the saying this 2 shall pass....it will....good that a good friend is coming to get u so u can go vent...regroup...hope its a sober friend.....one hour atta time..if that too big....15 mins....then half hour....then....!!!!!:)

[boogieman]

hi. sorry things are rough right now. i know for me as long as i was drinking, my other problems seemed to be so out of control and unmanageable that i saw no light at the end of the tunnel. and i would say fk everything and run. and the only thing i had to run to was liquor. and off to oblivion once again. today my life still gets crazy (i'm about as stressed as i can get right now actually), but i'm able to get through stuff via what i have learned in recovery. so far i haven't found it necessary to take a drink one day (sometimes less) at a time. one thing about life that is constant is that it changes---and not always for the best. i still have bad days, but i used to have bad years. if you ever want to talk in confidence, please send me a private message and i will be glad to listen and hopefully help. i hope your day gets better and take care,  gm

[ibizan]

u r so right....life changes and not for the best a lot...when we practice these recovery tools on the poop it does get us through...bad days better than bad years oh yes....my mind is always a constant prayer tickertape and driving the negative out as best i can with my giant industrial strength mental pushbroom!

[MGM155]

No, not doing good.  

There are 3 people in my relationship, me, Rob, and his ex-wife.  I understand he will be friends with her because of the "children."   One is 24, and the other is 16.  She bounces checks; he covers it for her, all the while bemoaning that he can't do better for us.  I'm just a selfish ***** as far as he's concerned.

I went into this knowing the fallout that would come and thought I could handle it.  I'm giving this one my best shot because this will be the last for me.  I'm tired and don't have the energy to try with another.  I'm too much trouble, anyway, and I don't want to put my bshit on anyone else.  He was married for 25 years to the same person (only marriage), yet lived upstairs by himself for 3 freakin' years.  His ex told the kids and the rest of the family that we were cheating with each other on line, and that's what broke up the marriage.  Most all of the family believes this.  It isn't true.  We both are very interested in politics and met on a private board of a close internet friend of mine, but there was never anything untoward in our postings.  We did, however, talk to each other about our personal problems.  I was in an unhappy relationship, too, but we didn't even talk to each other very often about that, only a time or two.  I had no idea how he felt about me until I told him I wasn't happy in my current relationship.  His reply hit me like a ton of bricks, and I fell hard and fast.  Now, though, I'm not allowed to speak about his ex, though he has told her he loves me, etc.   Oh hell.   this is just so much bshit, and I'm sorry, but I'm just so hurt right now.  Night before last, I was mad and said some things I shouldn't have said, but he says I called him a coward.  I didn't.  He heard wrong, and this has come between us, big time!  I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm feeling that I'm not worth much to anybody.

No, my friend drinks, but we had 2 beers yesterday, and that was all.  She's trying to help me, but I could tell she didn't really want me there, and I don't blame her.  I'm an emotional mess right now, and nothing can change that unless Rob and I can work this out.  

Thank you all for listening.  I know I'm angry, depressed, and hurt and just don't feel like this life is worth it anymore.  Just when it seems I have it all together.. I f--- it all up somehow.

I swear.  If I didn't have a sense of humor (even though you've not seen it yet) and didn't have my pets.... I'd leave this GD life!  There has to be something better somewhere on the other side.

But.. I won't do that, though I want to.  Too many depend on me and love me, and I understand all of that.

It's just so hard.  I just want to shut it all down.  Dammit, I'm tired.

[ibizan]

Rob sounds like quite the enabler with x......u'll never change that.....and she will continue to be herself for as long as he bails her out!i am 53 never married and glad for that.....don't really feel like i've missed anything....i've been thru a lot of relationships in my life and i figure whats meant to be will be!i live with 2 beautiful loving greyhounds and 3 cats.They need me..like ur animals need u...and such loving companions they are...sure would be nice to find a human with their qualities but that doesn't seem to be humanly possible they way humans r!i was by myself for 10 years....met someone i fell for like never b4..he was clean from cocaine 3 years and long story short went back to his old lifestyle.Chose that drug over us.....didn't give a **** that my dad had just died,my mom dx'd with Lewy Body Dementia and some med problems with me,cat died of cnacer,dog relapsed with a illness and i had to let go of him....and he just blew on out on us!I would have done anything to help him but like Bonnie Raitt sings i can't make u love me and i sure as hell can't make ya love/take care of urself!That was 3 years ago...it hurt like hell...all of it....but i still see my dad saying to me years ago ur better off with the dogs!and he was/is right!i visit my mom bi-weekly and recently have the IRS up my derriere which pisses the hell outta me....so much bigger fish to fry out there...but i keep moving.....and like boogie said recovery gives us tools to plow thru the muck....and plow we must or drown in drink/drugs which is no better option!

[boogieman]

hi there. there could actually be something good about your situation. as bad as things are this could be the motivation to change them. i know for me, things had to get pretty bad many, many times before i was willing to do whatever was necessary to do things differently. i agree with ibi---sounds like the people around you are contributing to the problem. they probably don't understand, no matter what they say. this is one of the reasons why aa is so effective----it puts us in touch with folks that have had the same kinds of problems, but they found a way out. do you have any other options as far as a place to live---even temporarily? you need to put yourself first and be selfish long enough to get through your problems. no one else can do it for you. there is a solution to all of it---if you have had enough and are ready to change.

ibi--as far as the irs i feel your pain. they're a bunch of baztards

take care,  gm

[ibizan]

as usual ur right on the advice money!i've gotten to the point  in my personal life where i have a zero tolerance for drama bs and folks who won't/don't take their own inventory and keep their closet in order!just 2 draining...been there done that and don't need it or want it!Serenity in recovery is a gift only we we can give ourselves!IRS r baztards..love that spelling so it can't be starred out...pretty sad to demand more tax $$$ from  shrunken retirement funds proceeds!got 5 pg letter complete with nicely veiled threats and wage garnishment if not all paid at once...and if u want payment plan we'll create a financial proctological nitemare for u and tack on penalties and interest!i wanted to return a drawing of a third finger extended and a note.....focus ur energies on Ruth Madoff..bigger whale than this lil fish!:)

[MGM155]

Been with a cocaine/crack addict..... married for 14 years....  The last straw was when I came home and found my 9-year-old sitting on the counter where the microwave used to be.  We had no appliances, no yard equipment. no toys, no jewelry.. not one damned thing of any value.. and I left that POS in 1996.  He STILL can't figure out why the daughters want nothing to do with him!  He was 4 years younger than me but looks 30 years older than me now.  I haven't seen him in years.... an only child who was never made to take responsibility for his actions.. cuz his "mama" said if only he didn't get involved with the wrong crowd.  Therefore.... he never did anything wrong in her eyes or his eyes.. and I used to pray to God at night that he would die.

I did finally get that hatred out of my heart, but it ate me up for years!  I would have cheerfully killed him or had him killed if I'd had the inclination.... finally talked my dad out of it, though.

Anyway.... just another "rage factor" on the list of **** that I really hated!

I'm doing pretty good right now... still drinking but no liquor and haven't been drunk.

I believe I have some issues which I need to let go of once and for all.  I'm working on them.

Hope you all are doing well, and thank you so much for "listening."

[ibizan]

i can completely relate to wanting the cocaine addict gone from this earth....that feeling ate me up for a few years.....now i completely understand why his one son refuses to speak with him or allow him to see his grandson.But i knew what i was getting in2 what i did.......was hoping he would change for us and that happened for 5 months..then it got to be too much hard work which recovery is....but well worth it.Today i hardly think of him and know he lives in his own hell.....karma will/does come round on humans!I'm glad he is no longer a part of my life...but i've been pretty savvy/firm on not allowing anyone to drag me down to their level!

[MGM155]

I was eaten up by hatred for a few years, too.  

Did I mention I prayed to God for him to die?

I've finally gotten past it and realize that I'm really no better than he is.  It's just that the kids were young, and I hated what he did to them.  Now, I just feel bad for  him.  He is the father of my youngest who is 22 now.  She went to see him when she came up for a visit and told me she couldn't stand to look at him.  That he just looks like a typical crack addict.  For years she blamed me for the divorce which took place when she was 9.  Now, she sees the truth.

At least she isn't going down the drug or alcohol path, and I believe I have my ex to thank for that and me to thank for her not turning to alcohol.  I know I've disappointed her, too, and that pains me to my very soul.

[anonymous003]

I apologize in advance because I have skimmed though a lot of this thread but not read it all and perhaps you already answered this, but, what is you reason for not just medically detoxing in the hospital for 4-7 days?

[MGM155]

I'm not ready.

[MGM155]

I'm really sorry if I put too much personal **** out here....guess I needed someone to talk to, someone objective.  I'd go back and take most of it down if I could.  I've said so much that anyone who knows me could easily figure out who I was.  I should have thought of that before but too late now.  

Anonymous.  Your question was a good one.  When I first started to post here, I was in a bad way, drinking way too much every day.  I'm not doing that now and am just trying to cut it down to a manageable level, something I can live with.  I'm probably doomed to fail this little experiment, but I want to try.  I don't want to go into detox unless there is no other way.  Why not?  Because I really like to drink, and I hate the thought of never being able to do it again.  But if that will be the final answer, which I suspect most of you believe will be, then so be it.  

Again, so sorry for all the personal ****.  

[ibizan]

I appreciate your honesty dear!their have been a lot of posters here in the past who rationalize their drinking/drug use...right now u like it but one day its gonna stop likin u!and until that day comes..it is what it is!like AA sez..it was true for me..i had to get damn sick n'tired of bein sick n'tired!and thank God i did!Don't look at it as u'll never ever be able to drink again......this life...this world is truly one hour atta time in 24 hr. time increments!

[boogieman]

Hi. just remember when it gets bad enough, there is a solution, and you are always welcome here. helping others is what keeps me going so i'm grateful for your posts. take care,  gm

[MGM155]

It's very depressing sometimes, isn't it.  

[boogieman]

hi there. yes it can be. alcohol and other drugs took me to some very dark places within myself, to the point that i almost succeeded in taking my own life. at the end i lived to drink and drank to live. we know sorrow and misery like few others do. but as hard as it was to quit (after many many resolutions and attempts), i've been given a new opportunity to live whereas for so long i merely existed. i know how you feel. please keep posting no matter what you do and as always best wishes,    gm

[ibizan]

alcohol is a central nervous system depressant....ppl r more depressed when they drink and afterwards upon sobering up....i look back at all the changes in my thinking and how i handle my emotions in recovery.....it has been work oh yes..but so worth it!it is so much better and all of it has been one hour atta time one day atta time...over the years!

[MGM155]

You were all right.  I have failed miserably in my quest to control my drinking.  

This weekend, we drank Friday night.  Of course, I couldn't stop there.  I just thought I could.  That Friday night led me to drink again on Saturday, Saturday night, Sunday, Sunday night, and I have been one sick puppy, trying to taper down again.  I had my last glass of wine last night.  This time, beginning Monday morning, the withdrawals have been much worse.  The mental and physical anguish just isn't worth it.  The bottoms of my toes on my left felt numb last night.  I'm shaking more on the inside but not outside and am having trouble concentrating.  I haven't slept much since Friday night, averaging around 2-3 hours at a time.

Last night while trying to fall asleep, I was hearing odd noises and would jerk awake scared to death that someone was in the house.  I'll be very lucky if I don't lose my job on this go-round.

I may not get through this without seeking medical help.  I'll keep you posted.  Thanks so much for listening.

[ibizan]

if u fell and broke ur ankle u'd seek medical help yes?so why not seek it now?as the boogieman said and i agree and have seen in other folks...withdrawal can be fatal!

[MGM155]

Since last Wednesday, I've been doing okay... still drinking some, though.

I have a doc appt. Aug 12, and I do believe I'll talk to him about my drinking, finally.  Funny.. last time I was in there, about 6 months ago, I'd been drinking wine heavily all night.  I brushed my teeth before going to the appt., congratulating myself on thinking I could fool him.  Well.. lol..  he said, "I don't want to embarrass you, but I smell alcohol on you.  Have you been drinking?"  I lied like a dog and told him I had had some wine  late on into the night to celebrate a friend leaving town for a new job.

This time, I won't go in smelling like I just crawled out of a vat of wine, and I want to talk to him about the cravings which are so over-powering right now.  

I was in a really bad way until last Wednesday which was the day I was able to get the Klonopin filled.  It helped so much with the anxiety.  Had I not been able to get it, I would have had no choice but to crawl to the hospital.

I read with some interest about the Topamax.  I'm going to do some reading on it and might mention it to the doc depending on what I find out.

Blessings to all!  And thank you all once again for helping me.  You are all some of the kindest folks I've ever communicated with.