Have I got a problem with alcohol? If yes, how to quit?

      Hi. Firstly, I apologize about the grammar and wrong language expressions. English is not my maternal language.This post is really long, so if you don´t like reading, just don`t torture yourself. It`s not worth of it.
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Well, I think I have got a few problems with alcohol. I´m 17, and I`m not sure is this just some teenage gabing. I`d believed that it is. For a long time. I thought it takes more time for something serious like this. I want to know the main difference between alcohol abuse and psychological addiction.

         To start with, I started to drink at the age of 13 after I´d abandoned all of my friends because of hypocrisy and become depressed. And from the beginning I drank every glass in one gulp until I started to throw up and passed out and I was a burden to all of my new friends who drank normally. First it was just at Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings.

         How time passed by, the problems with my friends were getting worse because I started to drink four-five times a week, no matter when(in the morning, afternoon or evening)and every evening during the holiday. And I was waiting for them to stop being my friends. When that happened, I just kept drinking.
At the age of 15, I made new friends, who drank as much as I did, or even more, but they drank slowly, so I was the only one who was ending up throwing up. Again.
          At that stage, my parents were starting to noticing, so I was grounded very often and I drank almost every day, even in school where I didn`t have any friends except two older ones who also drink really often.
Soon after, I`ve ruined my relationships with friends who I were going out with, and made knew one. (And I haven`t lost him. Yet, but something happened between us last weekend when we were drunk so...)
        
         Soon after, when I was drunk, I stabbed some table in school with knife, had problems because of my self-destructive way of writing, and I had to talk to pedagogue, where I end up having nervous breakdown. And sometimes I was asked to leave from bars due to my excessive drinking and passing out. I don`t throw up anymore.
           I`ve recovered from that incidents by drinking, but problems with my parents and my false promises about not drinking were getting more often, so I decided to stop drinking. And it lasted for about 4 months. And then, when I was 16, my dog died. He was the most important person in my life. I realize how stupid that must sound, but I`m not good with people so it`s true. And from then, during the last 11 months, I`ve been drinking about five times a week and almost every time i drink until I pass out or black out.

          When I`ve got no alcohol at the evening and I’ve got a need to drink, I steal a little bit from my parent`s basement. Once, when I`ve already been drinking and have an urge for more, my father nearly caught me in the middle of the night with Jegermeister in my hand. So I had to hide myself and come for that alcohol later. These 10 minutes were so long and boring for me. I just wanted him to go back to sleep because I wanted to drink so badly.

           Now the problems with my parents are really, really big, they are worried, they cannot sleep, but I am never grounded. They realized it does not work. And even when I really want to stop drinking during the weekend, because they think I drink just then, I end up drunk. I don`t even know how. At one moment I`m under control, and in the other one I pass out. My blackouts are now getting really often, they are like moon walking.

            I drink two or three times a week since I almost overdosed myself  a month ago and my parents had to pressure my stomach to make me throw up what I drank because I was really pale and wasn`t moving at all. I just couldn’t.

             Now I have got some friends and, when I met them for the first time, I forced them to except me for who I am even though some of them drink really rarely.
          And my grades in high school are between B and A. I haven`t ruined that, but I don`t really care about it. It is just something for my parents. I don`t even care about my future.

           And the problem is I don`t know how to live or what to do in life without alcohol. I feel so bad because of my family, because of graffiti I`ve made when I was drunk, and especially about this weekend when I almost had sex with my very best friend and I feel so guilty about that because I can`t face it and I think I`ve messed up my relationship with him too. I can`t express my emotions. I just know how to run away from them. And I don`t know what to do. Every year is worse and worse.  
            And one part of me doesn`t even want to stop. One part of me just wants to ruin me, my every cell, and my every organ.

            And even if I stop drinking, everyone, old as me, drinks during the weekends, so I`ll be bored even if I start going out with them or anybody else. Is there any way to control my drinking, to stop myself before I pass out? I tried to do it but it worked only when I had something to smoke and had no more money for alcohol. I even tried not to drink during the week, but I`m not completely successful. It`s not so easy.
             And even if I stop drinking, I have got so bad reputation and I cannot just try to communicate with these judgmental people. I live in a small town (population is about 15 000) and almost everybody who are going out or in my school knows about my drinking and using some drugs, because I do not hide it. I have always wanted to be accepted or not accepted on the base who I really am.

             I`ve recently realized that I drink differently of all of people I know. I started to think about this whole alcohol situation and about my behavior for the first time.
My question is: „Am I abusing alcohol or is it something bigger? “. I hope not.
Some facts (I don`t know are they all consequences of alcohol)
1.I`m not sure about the tolerance
- When I started: 4 SDs (standard drinks) in 1 hour made me drunk
- Now: 6,5 SDs in 15 minutes, pause of 1hour, 3,5 SDs, plus marijuana and I`m on the ground
2.I don`t feel drunk and in other moment I realize I am because I cannot walk
3.I drink in different situation (to decrease pain or guilt, to escape or celebrate, because I`m bored, when I`m in the bath)and company(with friends, and more often alone)
I`m trying not to drink, and when I`m successful I can`t sleep, and I noticed I can`t run more than a minute because my heart starts to beat really fast, I feel it in my head. Oh, yeah, and my blood pressure is sometimes too high.
I would really appreciate an objective opinion because no one I know is able to do that.

Btw: My aunt was an alcoholic. She had delirium tremens, and all of that, and a lot of people in my family were, like my father, or are having some periods of drinking. Some of them(younger ones) drink a 3-4 times a month until they get really drunk.

[ibizan]

i'm 55...started drinking at 14....pot 17....valium acid cocaine up til 28...too much blacking out and an assortment of other problems......i used to feel like u when i was a teen.....i decided to go to inpatient treatment at 28.....i was a most pain in the butt patient but i wanted to change my life and not keep frying my brain w/alcohol drugs did 12 step 2......its been hard work but well worth it.....so what kind of dog did u have that passed away?what did he pass from/what kind of dog do u have now?how old?how old is ur cat?

[ibizan]

is it easy to get alcohol in croatia at age 17?oh i do know the love of a dog and how lost one can be when one passes i've parted w/ 4 of them since 1993........and OH YES my dear young one...i think u have a serious alcohol problem......why r u so self-destructive?

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for answering.
I really don`t know why I am like this. Perhaps it’s because I can’t accept this material world. I just don`t want to ruin my family but I don`t care about myself. I just don`t know what to do. Have you got any idea what should I do and how?
And, yeah, in Croatia alcohol is completely available. Few weekends ago, I`ve met two ten year old boys who were drinking 2L of beer and smoking cigarettes.

[ibizan]

have u been in any type of counseling b4?i don't really like how this world has changed,,,i'm an old child of the 70"s, who misses that era,,,,but i've found a lot in life 2 enjoy.....like my 3 cats and 2 greyhounds!

[more0then0a0virus]

      Sorry, what does it mean b4? And I haven`t been in any counseling... yeah, this world is different now. Younger and younger generations start to smoke, drink and using drugs.
      Oh, and I also find pleasure in my cat, and my new dog, although not so big as before, but this part of me that has to adjust this stratification system where I have to wait really long for some reward like a good job and try so hard, kills me. It`s like I`m in one little box and to survive, I have to do as this system impose. And I don`t want to live like that. Maybe I`ll get cancer or something and I never get this reward. Or I will fall down in an amty hole for lift, and I`ll die. Just like my friend, at the age of 27, has few weeks ago. So, I find a system in that I can escape from this reality and get my daily and short term reward - all at once. It is alcohol. I have got many reasons for drinking. This is just one of them. One of the most "rationale" reasons I`ve got. All of the others are connected to emotions.

[more0then0a0virus]

I`ve realised: b4 is before. No, I haven`t.

[ibizan]

i'm 55...started drinking at 14....pot 17....valium acid cocaine up til 28...too much blacking out and an assortment of other problems......i used to feel like u when i was a teen.....i decided to go to inpatient treatment at 28.....i was a most pain in the butt patient but i wanted to change my life and not keep frying my brain w/alcohol drugs did 12 step 2......its been hard work but well worth it.....so what kind of dog did u have that passed away?what did he pass from/what kind of dog do u have now?how old?how old is ur cat?

[DrBill100]

Certainly your drinking exceeds normal both in frequency and intensity. There are means and methods for beginning to address the problem. If you will provide a general location, ie US, UK, city I'll try and provide additional information on available resources

[more0then0a0virus]

                Good for you, the fact you succeeded is really surprising. When you really want something, anything is possiblle. My problem is I`m doing it for my family. Not for me.
                I don`t do a lot of drugs. WEED - I like weed from when I was14, 1-2g during weekend, and once a year25-50g... SPEED - I took it about 20 times (+ 3 times on a needle)... LSD-I took it about 4 times and I`s really perfect; ECSTASY - took it 5 times (in my town LSD and X are not so often)... SUBUTEX - once... METHADONE-about 10 times... COCAINE-once... DATURA-a few times... and so
            I had and have mongrel dog, I`ve put their photos on my profile. He was torturing himself with heart problems all day, he was 12(my whole life he was here) and he lyed down on a parking lot and, when my sister drove me home from some party in the woods, where i`ve been drinking because I`d known he`s dieing, and in the dark, my sister accidantely hit him in a face... It was really painful for me to watch. He was still alive, and my last words to him were: "Plese, don`t live me alone". He died during that night. My cat is 5, and what about your animales? Are they getting along?

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for your honesty, and you trying to help. I`m actually from Croatia, if you know where that is...It`s small country... I live in a small town and we don`t have anything like that. Maybe in Zagreb... It`s near from my town.

[ibizan]

Yes dear i was TIRED of the physical and emotional rollercoaster of addiction...like u i started young....but there was no need for me 2 die young.i wanted a different life!Oh ur poor dog....sounds like he went everywhere w/u!he is in Dogheaven now...i have to believe there is such a place!Yes all my animals get along....my one cat cleans my dogs ears and face!My dad who passed in 06 parents came to the USA from Yugoslavia.......Llubijana.....am i spelling that correctly?my nephews went over and found many of our relatives there!and my moms grandparents came to USA from Croatia!i LOVE the cooking/foods from that region!So do u go to school?what subjects do u take?

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I`d also believed in heaven until 7th grade. But, now... I don`t believe in afterlife so it`s really depressing I won`t see my dog again... It makes me feel alone. It`s so great your animals get along. My cat is afraid of my new female dog Lilly. And Lilly wants to play with her, so my cat Micika is almost all day in the house. She can`t stand being with Lilly.

We have got 8 years of basic education, than we can go to high school and then we go to college if we want to. I chose gymnasium. It lasts for 4 years. We have got other majors like engineering or hairdressing school. Vocational school(Is this the right word) can last 3 or 4 years, it depends.  
I`ve got 16 different subjects (Croatian, English, German, Sociology, Math, Psychology, Art, Music, Physical education, Biology, Chemistry, Geography and so on). I cannot choose what subject I want to attend. I attend the third year of high school. And what`s your school system?

Your spelling is ok. Yugoslavia is correct, but Ljubljana is the right spelling of Ljubljana. It`s the capital city of Slovenia since Yugoslavia fell apart.So, you have many relatives from here? Can you say something in Croatian? Or your grandparents, parents and u have been talking on English only? Sorry for your dad...

And I need advice if it’s not a problem. Do u think I can control my drinking somehow? At the moment I feel up to it.

[ibizan]

U feel up 2 trying to control ur drinking?is that the question?given ur stated history w/alcohol and drugs i don't think u can control either...u seem to totally enjoy blotting out all ur feelings/emotions.NOW....are you going to try to control it?most likely yes.....i sure tried a zillion times b4 surrendering to the fact that i couldn't.......i knew in the pit of my heart at age 19 that i was alcoholic/addict but i thought i could control it...i'm too young...all my friends do it....so at age 28 sick from mixing alcohol,pot,valium,and cocaine and tired of all the blackouts...i decided to make a committment to myself to end my insanity.So try to control it...and see what happens...ever tried to control it b4?what happened?will this b a first?You have a intense educational program over there!it is impressive w/all the languages and other subjects.I haven't been in school in YEARS!over here its 8 years of elementary school......then 2 years of junior high and 2 years of high school 4 years of high school total for teens......there are public schools here and private schools..private schools offer more diverse subjects.my dad could speak german and slovenian....my granparents as well.....my mom is 92 and has dementia......she used to be able to speak croatian but her mind is so ate up w./the dementia now...but she did say her aunt always said don't stir the drecka??? correct spelling??? drecka meaning poop...i'd type S word here but it will b deleted!:)

[dominosarah]

I wish boogieman was here.  This one reminds me of him especially the comment "perhaps i cant accept this material world".

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I`ve already tried it. I`ve been trying to do it at least 2 times a month during last 6 months. And I was convinced my parents exaggerate. I wasn`t even questioning their words, and there was lot of them. Every time I just said what they wanted to hear and wanted them to live me alone to do what I want. And I`m thinking just like you did: "I`m too young, and all of my friends do it". And every time I think: "This time is different. I am going to put it under control". Just like now. I want to stop drinking but I don`t know what else I can do in life. At the moment I do know what to do and I`m sure that I`ll succeed this week and the next one if I try (except 4 the weekend) But it`s just because now are holidays so I don`t have to meet people and do something at schedule. I won`t be under the pressure.  

About the drugs... My parents don`t know, even though they often ask me "Why are your eyes so red?". Mostly, I do marijuana at home and I don`t eat in school because I need money for weekend and every penny I spend on cigarettes, drugs and alcohol.

And we have got some private schools too, but they are rare.

Oh, and the spelling is "drek" But we have got declination so it can be "dreka". I’m sorry about your mother. Is it hard 4 u to see her like that?

[more0then0a0virus]

Who is boogieman?

[ibizan]

wow..ur parents don't know the smell of pot?Well it sounds like u r willing to try to stop!Don't know what else to do?u love animals?do u have animal shelters that could use help?ur state schools sound very advanced in subject matter over ours here!YES..it is hard to see my mom decline....i've been so fortunate...she's the best mom a girl could have.....i go see her every 2 weeks...she's in a safe home for alzheimers/dementia patients...i focus on the good memories w/her...she was so supportive when i got sober/clean and remembers EVERY year 11/22/83 as my recovery date.Thank You 4 the correct spelling of drek!:)i will let my friend dominosarah tell u all about boogieman.....he was in this forum and had a few years or recovery....relapsed and died.

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I’m willing to stop. Honestly, I`m a little bit enthusiastic about this because I never had a chance to discover other side of life.

My friend has just called me. He told me that tomorrow we are drinking the wine. He has bought it. I said: "Oh, that awesome" and then I remembered so I said: "Or not. I don’t drink anymore". He started to laugh. He said: "How many times I`ve heard that from you. I will control your drinking because of your parents and because I remember how `you trying to control yourself´` goes." Then I explained him the situation and told him about all these things you`ve said to me. Than he sad seriously: "Wow, I don`t know what to say. I`ve known you are deeper in this then me, but I didn`t know you are so deep. I have to think about it." And now I’m really ready for not drinking. He is going to help me even though he is going to drink tomorrow. I’ll just watch. He said he is going to have some pot, so I won`t be bored.

I think you are not aware of how helpful you are. Thank you a lot. I don`t know what to say.

I can`t believe you`re mother remembers the date of your recovery. She really does care about you. My parents are also perfect. They are so nice and they just want me to be happy.

And this about boogieman is a little bit depressing because even if I stop drinking now, I can come back in any moment and make it all worse. Then this whole process doesn`t have any sense. But I am interested about his path. Was he your friend?

And, I haven`t asked you this: Do you mind I spell "you" with little "y"?

[ibizan]

So u will go w/him 2 morrow?he will drink?u will not?and then he whips out the pot?hmmmm...be interesting 2 c what happens!I'm so glad u find our conversations helpful.....u have AA over there?over here there is Young Peoples AA for 16-30 age range!yes it is amazing what my mom recalls....her long term is good.....her short term is fragmented and delusional.That is the thing w/us alcoholics and addicts here.....we can stop...but if we start back up there will be no control....and those of us that have comitted ourselves to this have put ourselves thru hell finally accepting this!i failed so many times over so many years that i was sick n'tired of being sick n' tired.....and came 2 accept there is no control 4 me w/this !Boogieman was our cyber friend here......he had good recovery got down about life let it get the best of him and started to drink again and could not stop......and it killed him.yes little y is fine for you!Oh where r u Sarah?she is fellow dog/cat lover 2!

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I’m going out with him like every other weekend. I`ve been thinking about stopping hanging around with him to succeed in this, but we are close 4 past 3 years, and I was a really antisocial when we`ve met each other and started to go out together and didn’t want to spend time with his friends or other people, so he chose me over them. I haven`t forced him, but he did. I can`t just abandon him. Not because of his drinking nor because I almost slept with him. I have to make this work. What does it mean "whip"? Is there any synonym?

Yeah, I find this conversation helpful. Mostly because you’ve had some experience and you survived it and you are really nice and you don`t judge me. You know what you are talking about. Most of my friends don`t understand me `coz they have never felt like I do. They listen to me, and say: "I would like to help, but I don`t have a good advice for something like that". So when I talk to them, it`s often tiring for them and it`s like I`m talking to an object. (Tiring because after almost every weekend I say to them: "I`ve screwed up. I`ve been drinking. Again")

AA. Not in my town. Although they exist in Zagreb, but I would have to travel there 4 an hour, and I don`t have anything 2 say 2 my parents like an alibi. And I don`t see myself there. I don`t think I`m an alcoholic, I just like to drink, and have got some problems with drinking. Name "alcoholic" should also be deserved.  

[dominosarah]

I am only checking on here before i head out to work......I will be home at midnight and will then tell you about my friend boogieman.....He was a remarkable person and someone i miss terribly.  He was a gentle man with a heart of gold~~~

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, thank you 4 that.
btw: At my time zone, you posted this at midnight...

[ibizan]

When i was ur age...i thought like you......i drank like u describe...the drug use came at 17......so u must come to ur own conclusions in ur own time!whip one on me was a term we used in the 70's for pulling a joint out of ones pocket quick...a suprise...and u know the rest of the story!when i use the term we alcoholics/addicts i am referring to the regular posters here who acknowledge their loss of control w/alcohol/drugs...who voice their acceptance...and alcoholic is something no one deserves but comes to accept about themselvs...if it is indeed their condition!

[more0then0a0virus]

Oh, I didn`t mean that "we alcoholics/addict" is referring to me. I just wanted to say: "I’m not one" to explain you why I don`t feel like going to AA meetings.You asked me have we got AA over here... so i tried to answer...

And I meant "deserve" in way "you have to go through many stages to get there". I really didn`t mean to offend anyone by this expression. But I do think that my or anybody else’s activity is our own fault. Everything is a consequence of our own chooses, even though I believe every person have a right to do whatever he wants to, while he is not hurting other ones directly.

Hope I didn`t offend you somehow... Sorry if I did. Didn`t mean to...

[ibizan]

oh no offense taken at all...was just trying 2 clarify!we all make choices...but w/addiction we have to take responsibility for how we hurt ourselves......and the chemicals blind us to that by what they do to our limbic system!i wouldn't xpect u to go to AA....sometimes some have gone to check them out and to  take care to not compare themselves out of the room...i'm too young,i didn't do that....and there is always i didn't do that...yet!well time to go to sleep here w/the dogs and cats.......i checked out Barney and ur new girl.....sweet looking dogs!

[more0then0a0virus]

I`ve just realized how little thing can give me a need to destroy myself and to escape by drinking.
You just tried to explain me something in this last post, and we misunderstood each other, and now I feel really guilty and I want to drink. That`s not your fault, you weren`t even rude. I`m too fu****g sensible... I really hate being me... And every little thing like this makes me want to drink, to escape, to ruin myself... I’m so stupid. And now I feel guilty for bothering you. F**k...  
Sometimes, and that`s really often, I feel like my death is the only thing that can keep me from ruining my family... (I won`t kill myself. My parents would blaming themselves) I really hate myself now.
Normally, I don`t say these things to anyone. Instead, I escape by drinking or doing drugs...It`s the only thing that keeps me going...
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Now I`ve read your new post... I`m so relived and glad I haven`t offend you. Yeah, my animals are really wonderful. Today I took Lilly for a walk, and she was chasing a bird and fell down into shallow drainage. I had to bath her.
Good night then, I should go to sleep too. It`s 3:26 AM...

[dominosarah]

Giving up isnt an option on this forum.  We plant our feet and keep moving forward.  When you dont feel strong you lean on us.  We know what you are going thru.

I wish you could of met boogieman.  You are so much like him.  He was a deep thinker and didnt like the material part of the world either.  He was always so supportive of anyone who was struggling.  He was highly intelligent and that caused many of his problems also.  All questions had to have an answer.  By the way, he died from falling down the stairs.....He fought his addiction hard but he made it so complicated, more so than he needed.  He had a great sense of humor, was an awesome musician and as i said before had a heart of gold.  He would be all over you right now as he wouldnt want you to travel down the same path he chose.  He was brutally honest.  We all lost something the day he passed away.

Anyways, i am sara and i am a recovering alcoholic/addict.  I have been sober many years and clean off pills 3 yrs this month.  I started out drinking and using drugs at a very young age.  I am very grateful that i made it out alive.  I am almost 50 yrs old and i sure as he!! dont want to see you go down this road any longer.  It is a tough road and very deadly.  Dont be afraid of living your life without alcohol.....its all good.  It is almost 2 a.m. here right now so i am going to go to bed.  Keep talking to us okay??     sara

[ibizan]

Sometimes i think i'm 2 sensitive for this world as well!Bothering me?oh no dear...i think its cool that at ur age ur willing to question all u r and that ur willing to listen to me and sarah here!I read ur thoughts as u post here and they were so similiar to mine when i was 17 which was when my drinking/using really took off.It is easy for us to miscommunicate here....it is the written word...we r not face 2 face!oh how cool would that be?We could have some Croatian foods:) and u could teach me some more Croatian words!just keep posting here......we...I will always try 2 help any way we can!so ur going to Amsterdam soon?

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for being supportive... Actually, people who knows me, find me also very intelligent, even though I think I`m not. Some of them cannot believe I can be such a good pupil at school (I often earn my grades by cheating, and nobody has ever noticed me, and when I study, I can do it really quick when I`m in the right mood) and drink and doing drugs at the same time. They judge me for being different and so liberal, and because I`m abnormal fighter for human rights.

Receive sincere condolences for Boogiman.  It`s seems to me he was a really good person. Thank you for sharing his story. I guess it` wasn’t so easy to do it... memories and all that stuff...

[more0then0a0virus]

Normally, I find it difficult to open myself to other people. But with you is different. Like you don`t have prejudice and it`s really rare to meet someone like that. And you understand...

Yeah, I would be cool to speak to you face to face. But I think it`s easier for me to write my thoughts than say it...

I’m going to Amsterdam in August. It will be hard not to drink. All of these people are going to drink as much as they can. Nobody will be sober.

[metmanjeff]

Oh matey, it's sounds like your having problems. It also sounds like my life (I'm 40 years old by the way) but all is not lost! You sound intelligent and wonderful so why are you drinking? I love getting wasted but I love life even more when I don't have that first drink. It's always the first one that does the damage. The resolve goes. I drink because my parents forbade it and it's fun and sneaky for me to be as drunk as possible without anyone noticing. I'm working on staying sober these days as I can't be slightly drunk - I need to be totally pissed (if you'll forgive the weird English phrase).
But if I don't have that first one I'm fine. So what's causing you to have you're first one?
Take care and keep in touch. Happy to give you my private e-amil address if you want to chat.
Jeff (UK)

[more0then0a0virus]

Today I was at some rock concert at noon. My friend from school wanted to buy us few beers, so I said she should buy it just for herself. She knows all about my drinking problems, even better then I do.

While we were talking, I was thinking the whole time about beer: "Can I have one? Nothing bad can happen to me from one beer" It`s like some twisted urge...I feel relieved when I think I will drink... It`s like some comfort...

Few minutes after I asked her if she is going to buy beers. She said she won`t drink because I would be at temptation. She saved me.

Today is my 6th day, I think. It`s such a long time for me. First two days were easy, and now it`s getting harder and harder.

So, how will I survive the evening without alcohol while my friend is drinking? How did you succeed not to drink? Did you avoid people who drink? Are you still avoiding them?

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for trying to help and being nice.
Well, there`s always a reason for drinking. Even the smallest thing, no matter if it`s a positive or negative one.
I don`t like hiding from my parents. One longer period of time I really hated the fact they cannot accept me for who I am and that I have to lie to them so I could keep drinking. Even now I lie to them. I said I drink because everybody else does and because I feel grown up (cliché). I don`t want to worry them with the truth...
So how is sober time working for you?
And I really like that English phrase.

[rod44]

Hi :)
When I stopped drinking it was not by choice, by this I mean I did not want to stop. The reason I did not want to stop was because I did not believe I had a problem. People around me had spent many years trying to get me to see that alcohol was destroying my life and having a big impact on them. In my mind an alcoholic was someone who was homeless, someone who had lost everything and that was not me. I used this as a way of justifying to my self that I did not have a problem, I had a roof over my head, I had a job and I had a job so I could not be an alcoholic. The fact that I suffered blackouts every time I drank witch was every day or the fact that I got excited at the though of having a drink to the point that I would need to have drink hear me at all times, in work, at home or if I visited friends.

I was admitted to hospital and was put in no doubt of why I was there by my Doctors. I thought I was depressed, my Doctors agreed but they told me my depression was secondary to alcohol dependency. I thought they were crazy, I did not believe them at first but eventually I had to get honest with myself, I had to admit that maybe everyone else was right about me. That maybe I was out of control. I had difficulty with this but I decided to listen to what everyone had to say. One day I got a visit from a stranger, he told me his story, he was a recovering alcoholic and he shared his experience, what was like when he was drinking, what it was like when he got sober and what his life was like now, I liked what he said, I could relate to his story and I felt he could understand me without judging me.
When I started to accept that my life was out of control and it was down to my drinking I spent quiet some time analyzing, why was I drinking, why was I different from other people. It took me some time to understand that analyzing my life would not change the fact that I could never drink again, the fact that I was an alcoholic. I surrendered to this fact and moved on, I accepted that I had a problem. Eventually I started to take responcability for getting control of my life back. I soon realized that I could not do it on my own but I met other people who were just like me, I met them  in AA, they were people just like my friends on here, all of us here on this forum.. We all wanted one thing and that was to live a normal life with out the insanity that alcohol brought to our lives.

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to some parts of your story.

Unlike you, I`ve known why I was drinking and i wanted to drink. I wanted to ruin every part of me that makes me alive, that enables me to be freaking living being. I just didn`t know how will that affect my family.

And I`ve always wanted to be aware of the point where my normal drinking goes to unusual drinking. And I didn`t. So I started to explore about the path that leads to alcoholism. And about a month I was convincing myself that I don`t have a problem at all, and that everybody else exaggerates. I realized I can`t be objective, so I decided to ask the question: "Have I got a problem?" on this site.

When I was on the bottom, I thought I do have a problem, but when I wasn`t, the problem weren`t even exist.

About blackouts... I started to have them everywhere. I had to call my friends to explain me where I was last night when we were going out together. And one of my blackouts, that didn`t end up with sleeping(I`m not sure), was at home. I was drinking "to say goodbye to alcohol", at least I thought I did. And in the one moment I was on my laptop, and in the second one, that I was aware of, I was standing in the kitchen in the water which was all over the floor just like dishes. I`m lucky my parents haven`t heard me. I didn`t even know, and I still don`t how I end up there.

[more0then0a0virus]

I`m not really addicted to alcohol, so: Can I drink after few months?

[dominosarah]

You drink to numb your feelings right?

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, that`s really often. But now it`s some sort of habit too.... I`m going out in half an hour on an hour, and I really hope I will sustain myself from drinking. Last time I was trying while my friend was drinking a beer, and the smell of it just made me drink. I had 0 emotions that day.

[more0then0a0virus]

Do I exaggerate? Maybe i don`t have a problem at all, do I?

[more0then0a0virus]

I don`t know what will happen tonight... I feel so fragile... F**k...

[more0then0a0virus]

I definitely exaggerate... I don`t have such a big problem. i can`t have. If I will be drinking (I`ll try not to), that can only be my choice, not an urge. And if I`ll be drinking (hope not), I can control myself. I didn`t want to control myself enough. If I had, none of this would even happen... Self-control is not my style of life, but now will become. Anyway, I feel stupid right now for exaggerating.

[more0then0a0virus]

I`m going out... Hear you later...

[ibizan]

yes internet more comfortable for some...but i am the same cyberwise as i am in person.....and LOVE  good slovenian/croatian food!I am like my dogs....very food oriented!:)well my dear u r on a fact finding mission....a research project.......u have many answers to find for urself......and i await news on what ur outing w/ur friends was like!be safe....u walking there or is someone driving?what is the penalty over there for getting arrested for drunk driving?posession of pot?possession of harder drugs?

[rod44]

I can relate to you, when I was your age I was doing what you are doing now.

I did not know when I first got sober why I drank but like Sara said I was drinking to numb my feelings, I could not deal with stuff that was going on in my life, I wanted to forget so I got drunk, that was my way of dealing with problems.
I compared my drinking with others around me, I told myself I am not as bad as him/her and that allowed me to continue drink. My mind was very messed up.

If your parents love and care about you as I imagine they do then your drinking is going to cause them a lot of pain that they do not deserve.

Having looked at your posts on here you are on a mission of self destruction. You are young, you are intelligent, there is a big world at your feet to be explored. Dont waste your life by drinking and doing drugs.  

[dominosarah]

You can make all the excuses in the world and justify every one of your actions but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck........You have every symptom(sign) of alcoholism.  Once you face that recovery will happen......sara

[rod44]

I agree 100% with Sara, you are showing the classic signs & symptoms of alcoholism. When you accept this, when you look at this with an open mind and accept that you have a problem recovery will happen.  

[ibizan]

i agree w/u both here......our young lady is on a bad path here........and she is talking to us...and she is hearing us...but she's gonna do what she's gonna do!and we can't stop her!we can hope she doesn't harm herself!She has a lot to learn and like us.....she will either learn on her own...or she will choose not 2!She is so bright.....she doesn't see it overall.... but i have to hope someday she will minus bad things happening to her as a result of what she's dabbling with!so glad the both of u jumped in here....was hoping u would!

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for all of this. I went out really frustrated yesterday and I wanted to drink really badly. At in that moment I didn’t care about anything else. My friend was even trying to manipulate me. He sad: "You mother just told me your father`s gonna beat you if you will be drunk again". I said: "Yeah, right". He said I shouldn’t be drinking, and I said I will, but just a little bit, just for some kind of effect.

Then I met our diler. We were talking, I was so angry at everything. I felt weak and like my life is empty without drinking. My diler said I wouldn`t have this drinking need if I weren`t hooked on it. Then I answered him angry: "No, I`m not". I went to be alone then. And I decided not to drink. I felt miserable. And I still do.

I came home after 2 hours, smoked some weed, was a bit depressed. My parents sometimes know I`m drunk because I˙m in a good mood.

Quitting is not a pleasure, it`s a burden... I hate all of this and I feel stupid. I don`t want to live this life, I don`t want to be under control. It`s like I`m tiding myself to the chair.

I know I shouldn`t feel this way but I do... Sometimes my emotions are stronger than my reason. But at least I succeed not to drink. Maybe I don`t have a problem then after all, do I? Or I just deceiving myself? F**k… I don`t know anything anymore…

I don`t think that my problems are so serious like you do… I don`t think the problem is alcohol in that measure, because I`ve never tried to self-control myself in anything… But I don`t know…

[more0then0a0virus]

If I go by car, my sister (she drinks really rarely) or my father drives me.  For little amounts of drug we have to pay, and for bigger ones we go to jail. For drinking in public we should pay, but most of policeman sympathies with us, so we are forgiven. And what about your laws?

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I know all of that… I guess I`m lost. I don`t see positive side of life…  I know it`s there, I see it in other people, but not in me…

[more0then0a0virus]

Maybe I have some sings, I agree, but I really don`t think that this is so serious, that I have got so many sings... I think some of "sings" are this part of me that doesn`t wanna be adjusted. But I`m not sure in anything anymore...

[more0then0a0virus]

MY TWISTED PART OF THINKING: I depend on alcohol, but psychologically, like he is my friend and I need him here to help me survive a day in this f***ed up world. But it`s not like addition... I imagine alcohol as my crutch that I want to have because it`s my support...but obviously I don`t have a right to have a crutch in this world...
AND NOW THE REASONABLE PART: I`m f***ing stupid. I understand that and why my opinions are unreal, but being unreasonable is also a big part of me. It`s just who I am…

P.S.I`m going on a joint know... I believe it`s like 3AM in USA right now, and here is 9AM...

[more0then0a0virus]

I still keep thinking I exaggerate. This all "problem thing" seems to me like it`s not my life... like it`s somebody else`s. Am I trying to find an excuse for my drinking? Or I really don`t have a problem? I`m so lost...

[rod44]

The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones

Once there was a caterpillar named Charlie who lived in the Valley of Promises.

There was nothing observably special about Charlie. He was an average looking caterpillar amidst thousands of others. Like them, he spent the majority of his time crawling from leaf to leaf, eating as much as he pleased, & dozing in the warm sunlight. Life was good & Charlie was happy.

As you know, there is something very special about caterpillars. From the time they are born, they are aware that something beautiful beyond imagination will one day occur. It is called The Promise.

Charlie was a believer. For as long as he could remember, he had loved The Promise. Its mystery filled his days & nights with dreams of anticipation.

In this way, Charlie was special, for his love of The Promise by far exceeded that of any normal caterpillar. He grew more & more impatient in his intense desire to receive its gift.

One day, as Charlie was exploring the valley, he was attracted by a bright, shiny object lying in the meadow. It was a brown bottle. The sun's rays danced on the glass & gave it an aura of golden splendour. It seemed to beckon Charlie. Filled with excitement, he hurried as fast as he could go.

Charlie was a bit scared when he reached the bottle, for it was something entirely new & frightening. As he explored it, curiosity soon overcame his fear. He traveled its surface from end to end & top to bottom.

When Charlie entered the bottle, something magical seemed to happen. A soft mellow glow enveloped him in the warmth of a false utopia. After a time, he was lulled to sleep by the gentle voice of the bottle whispering pleasures yet to come.

At first, Charlie spent most of his time leading the normal life of a caterpillar with only occasional trips into the brown bottle. But as the days passed, he longed more & more for the mellow glow it offered & his trips became frequent. He began to venture deeper & deeper into the bottle to find the utopia he sought.

Sometimes, Charlie's friends came to visit while he was in the bottle. As he moved about within its glass walls, he appeared to be different than he really was. Pleased with all of the attention he received, he would do silly things to make his friends laugh. Charlie loved being the centre of attention & his friends' laughter made him feel important. Then, the bottle seemed to whisper, "Charlie, when you are with me, you are a very, very special caterpillar." And Charlie felt, that indeed, what the bottle had said was true.

By the end of the summer, Charlie seldom left the bottle. It had become more important to him than the warmth of the sunlight, more important than the companionship of his friends, even more important than the Valley of Promises itself. He began to depend on the bottle for all of his needs. It had become his home.

With the coming of fall, the world outside the bottle began to change. Cold winds swept down from the north. Green plants turned brown & died. There was a rush of activity among the caterpillars for they knew that they, too, must change with the seasons & prepare for the winter to come.

On the final day of preparation, Charlie's friends went to the bottle & called to him, "Charlie, please come out before it is too late. We must get ready to receive The Promise."

Surrounded by the warm glow, Charlie gazed out upon the barren valley. "I would be foolish to leave this warm, safe place & go out into the cold with you. I could leave if I wanted to, but I would rather stay here." Laden with sorrow, Charlie's friends turned away from him in hopelessness & returned to their tasks.

One day, as Charlie gazed out upon the snow covered valley, the bottle again spoke to him, "Charlie, you have seen your friendssuffer from the cold in their quest for The Promise while you have remained here, warm & safe, with me. Surely by now, you know that I am better for you than an empty promise."

And Charlie knew, that indeed, what the bottle had said was true. On that day, Charlie deserted his belief in The Promise, & surrendered his dreams to the control of the brown bottle.

Winter passed slowly & Charlie lived in a hazy world within his glass confines. During his long stay, he had not eaten or taken care of himself. He began to grow frail & thin. The warm glow was slowly fading. The bottle's walls were becoming cold & uncaring.

On occasion, Charlie tried to reach the bottle's opening in an attempt to again find the outside world. But now the voice of the bottle was cruel & commanding, "Charlie, you cannot leave!" Weak from hunger & filled with dispair, Charlie would slide feebly back into the depths of the bottle. At these times, he would utter quietly to himself, "I could leave if I wanted to, but I would rather stay here."

The mellow glow was completely gone now & there was nothing special about Charlie any more. His good feelings about himself had gradually been replaced with guilt & hatred. He had become nothing more than a sad, frightened little caterpillar, trapped in a brown bottle.

Spring came. The valley was filled with beauty beyond compare. The sky was a rainbow of color as thousands of butterflies tested their wings for the first time in a never ending flight of freedom.

... THE PROMISE HAD BEEN FULFILLED ...

On the day of The Promise,
Charlie died.
Alone,
in silent desperation.
No one knew,
no one cared.
Least of all, the brown bottle.

[ibizan]

rod-thank u dear......i loved this tale!and more than0,,,,ur emotions/feelings are so troubled/conflicted...yes this is a hard world to live in at times...u said u had such good parents......why so much anger at yourself?and life?if ur life ended...ur pain would be gone yes....but those around u would never get over u leaving it.Lilly and the cat would grieve as well....i have seen these things come true!

[more0then0a0virus]

NIce story... Sorry, I`m enjoying the day,I`ve been not drinkig, but doing M... So I don`t know what to say... I`m really great right now...

[more0then0a0virus]

I know that. I know all the facts, but I`m not good at practice... I don`t know why I have so much anger... yeah, my family would suffer, so I´m never going to kill myself. That`s sure. But, if I had to choose in which way I preferred to die, it would be by overdosing with anything psychoactive. You`re dying when you are doing something you really enjoy...

[rod44]

I am sorry that you are in this place moreO, you are hurting yourself, you are hurting others around you and it will end in sadness. It dose not need to be this way, if only you could open your mind, look at what you have, look at the positive things in your life.
I am high today, high on life. I dont need to use chemicals to get that high it comes with no side effects, no drama and costs nothing, I am greatful for everything I have today, self respect,  dignity & peace of mind. I have a family who care. These are the important things in my life. It is not perfect but a bad day today is better than my best day when I was drinking.

ibizan I love that story, I first came across it when in rehab :)
I crawled out of the bottle and I am glad I did. It's lure can be strong at times but it is a false promise and I learned that lesson the hard way.
Alcohol cunning, baffling & powerful.
  

[ibizan]

i'm glad i never overdosed,glad i never killed anyone as a result of my drunk/drugged driving,glad i appreciate the small things in life...no savor...the cardinals singing,the pilated woodpeckers pecking....my cats got in2 a piece of red velvet cake last nite i accidentally left out...chewed thru the box...ate half......rich frosting red cake......was fun cleaning up the litter box!i laughed and this will be a fun story to tell for many animal lovers..... and more than0...sure u got that M buzz goin now......but it will wear off..and u will want to go back up...then u come down....and then u wanna go back up....a vicious merry-go-round!ah the folly and foolishness of youth....i was once there myself and glad i survived it!

[more0then0a0virus]

To: rod44
Good for you. I hope I`ll be that way someday.  

To: ibizan
I know it will wear off, but I don`t care. I have some more time untill that...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind. I`m not in the mood for complicating anymore. I won`t drink and that`s it.

[rod44]

It is in your hands my friend but you need to get it, it will not come to you, you got to seek it out, got to take control. No one can do it for you. You must make the first move.

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, i know

[more0then0a0virus]

I look at the positive things, and I know how many things I`ve got. I´ve got perfect family, a puppy, nice cat, guitar paper and a pencil, a house, stabile home, water, food, stabile family finances, an opportunity to do something in my life, opportunity to go to school, good people around me...ect...  But that only makes me feel guilty because I am ungrateful b**ch and I don`t appreciate it enough... It doesn`t make me happy... I`m just stupid and all.

And I really hate bothering you, because i`m just wasting your time while I`m moody and I doubt in everything this whole time. I really do know almost all of the facts, but it`s so hard to do something. I don`t even know how to be objective about all alcohol situation...

Why did you said I`ve got these alcoholism symptoms? I want to know where I`m standing if it`s not a problem for you…

To: ibizan
What food do you like the best from Croatian/Slovenian kitchen?

[ibizan]

OVI's here in the USA vary w/fines suspended drivers license and completion of a education program for alochol/drugs plus court probation.the more offenses one gets within a certain time frame the penalties get stiffer.Sure wish u'd work on that self esteem but again seems like u've got ur mind made up that ur a piece of drek!sigh!fav foods?chicken paprikash,patica,pierogies,stuffed cabbage rolls 2 name a few!what does ur mom cook?

[rod44]

You are here because you think you have a problem, this is usualy an indecater that you have some problem, enough to question your drinking.You are frequently intoxicated, you black-out when drinking, you are feeling guilty about your drinking. You drink fast (in your own words "every glass in one gulp") You are not willing to tale responsibility.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, the symptoms and effects of drinking become increasingly more severe over time.

[more0then0a0virus]

You are right about everything.

It all depends on me so I`ll try not to screwed up everything this time. I haven`t been drinking yesterday. And I was tired and exhausted of the effort I have to make to succeed so I went home really fast. It was too risky...  It will be really hard to do all this, I feel like someone`s torturing me, but I`ll do it. After yesterday, I admit I have got a problem with alcohol.

Thank you for talking to me and trying. I am really complicated, but I have to accept I will not drink because of these people around me. I will try to find something in my life that`s  not alcohol. If that`s gonna make me miserable(I hope not), never mind. It`s not like I`m truly happy now.

So, thank you for your time. This was actually my mind battle and thank you for being here. I wouldn`t survive this first week without you...  I know I`m really really complicated, so I know this couldn`t be easy for you... Thank you on explaining me, talking to me, and everything...

To: ibizan
I love eating pierogies too, but what`s patica? My mom cooks so much different food and I don`t even know which are traditionally Croatian... For example, she cooks pieces of meat with potato and sauerkraut... I love the way we use spices...

[ibizan]

oh no my dear u r not complicated.....u complicate everything:)AA has saying a simple program for ppl who complicate it!We spent too much time rationalizing our behaviors to drink/drug and could've spent that time recovering but that is why they call it hindsight!:)Patica is a holiday bread....a dough that is worked for 10-12 hours...spread on a floured board and filled w/ground walnuts,raisins,honey and a little rum......rolled up...put in loaf pan and top split and brushed w/melted butter!UMMMMMM! goes right to ur butt w/every delicious bite!then we used to have zelodec....a huge sausage like thing that the butcher would make up....weighed 10 lbs.filled w/all kinds of ground up things from a pig and cow!and loaded w/garlic and coarse ground black pepper!my dad would make pickled pigs feet called jotsa?stunk bad when he was cooking it up but pour in pan and chill and i was the lonly kid who would eat it w/him!does ur family celebrate easter?any special foods?give Lilly and the cat some petting and loving words from me!:)

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, thanks...
So, you know better about Croatian kitchen then I do...
Yeah, my family celebrates. Even though I don`t believe in anything, I help my family to keep their tradition. For easter we eat bread, ham and boiled eggs, and for lunch pig, salat,,, nothing special...
What about you? Do you celebrate?

[ibizan]

Easter was a big deal when i was growing up.....we went to church...not my choice but my parents had us go...we got a new dress shoes,my mom made the slovenian holiday foods her granma made...we boiled eggs and dyed them and had easter baskets.....i had a reddish colored rabbit as a pet and he'd sit in the middle of the easter basket then get tired of human silliness and hop out!Then as the years went by and my siblings got their own families i'd go take my dogs and visit my mom and dad who lived out in the country and we'd fix a traditional meal,watch old movies nap awake and have dessert and coffee!How i miss that...i'm lucky i had those days w/my parents for it is gone now.I was supposed to go see my mom today and she is in the ugly part of Lewy Body Dementia....nasty,cussing screaming....my real mom left us a long time ago and what is left is this damn disease and the havoc its wreaked.She told my brother to tell me not to come,she wanted no visitors.......perhaps she misses those good times past and doesn't want to recall them anymore.I don't know!so i am here today its rainy cool and i want to get outside between the raindrops and plant some pink and orange tulips and a gorgeous fuschia colored hyacinth whose fragrance is divine!My neighbor lady brought me over a big plate of ham,gravy.sweet potatoes and rice.So nice of her!Are ur grandparents living?if so is their health good?

[more0then0a0virus]

Maybe your mother just doesn`t want you to come because she wants you to remember Easter like it was before. Who knows? But she loves you, so her intentions must be good. I hope she will be better soon... I guess you miss her.

My grandma died from a heart attack when I was five, her husband had left her and my father and went to Florida with his new wife when my father was young. I don`t know if he is alive, I saw him once, when I was 7.

My other grandma died about a year ago. She was addicted to painkillers, and her heart was weak, she refused to go to the doctor, and died from a heart attack. And she was great. She even found my weed once. She was support to everyone.
And my grandpa... he`s alive, but he is depressive and lazy as I am. I think he is not ok. He tried to kiss me recently, so I yelled at him politly. I haven`t told this to my parents... I don`t know if he remembers that, or what was it at all. He misses grandma, I guess...    

And I didn`t ask: How old are your dogs? What are their names?

[ibizan]

i never looked at it like that b4......i know my mom loves me and us...i am savoring those memories today!ah family history it can be a trip at times!Keota my male greyhound is a black brindle w/white chest and toes, age 5...Scarlet my female is a BIG red fawn age 6...and 3 cats.....Sedwick age 5 BIG white cat w/orange spots...Guillian age 7 little smokey grey striped and Moe age 5 LONG haired diluted tortoiseshell w.6 toes!

[more0then0a0virus]

You have got a lot of animals to take care of then... So, how come are they all different age? Did u find them or buy them?  

[narla]

I have just sat down and read every post,WOW,I feel like I'm reading about myself.
It is great that you have found this forum,we are hear to listen and help as much as we can.

My name is Denise,I'm 49.I did not want to stop drinking but when I found out I had liver damage I didn't have that choice anymore,I had just become a grandma and wanted to see my grandchildren grow up,that was 602 days ago,I could not have managed this without the help of a counsellor,and the friends I have made here at Medhelp.

I, like you started drinking at a young age,14,and I had a constant battle going on in my head,I knew the drinking wasn't good for my health,but I'd convince myself I didn't have a problem.this battle carried on until I was 47,I stopped 3 times,through my 2 pregnancies and after I had a brain haemorrage,but as soon as I could I'd start drinking again.

It took the help of other alcoholics who truly understood what was going on in my head to help me put a stop to the roller coaster of alcoholism.

It's great to see you here at a young age already questioning your choices,
Keep talking to the people who understand where you are coming from.

Stay Strong  Denise

[more0then0a0virus]

Thank you for being supportive... But I`m questioning myself only because I want to be aware of where I`m standing. I want to know and be sure.

At least, you stopped when you were pregnant. For me, alcohol is the reason I don`t want to be pregnant at all. But I can stop drinking so I will. For now(I hope that`s some longer period of time)... I just want to know where I`m going. And at some point, if I accidentally end up alone and miserable, if I lose my family somehow or anyway, I can go back to drinking and destroy myself... So on some twisted way, I`m glad because I won`t have to start drinking from the beginning...

The fact you succeed to stop is really impressive. It must have taken a lot of effort. You can finally enjoy the life now. I guess you wanted to do so...  Stay strong too. You have got a really important reason for that...

[ibizan]

all of my animals are cast offs...the cats were abandoned found in bad shape and put in shelter so i adopted...and the greyhounds were done/wtheir racing careers and were also put up for adoption.Narla my friend-so glad u jumped in here!

[more0then0a0virus]

You saved them then... My Lily was found in the street. If no one had adopted her, she would have been put to sleep.

[ibizan]

So u found Lily?did u go to a shelter and take her home?I have a special place in my heart for dogs...for all living creatures actually....when i was a kid i got picked on a lot by stupid girls calling me weird and different....and very few would play w/me.some made the big mistake of trying to bully me and i fought back! So i noticed there were dogs in my neighborhood alone in pens....and i knocked on my neighbors doors and asked if they wanted their dogs groomed and walked!hence it began!i was particularly proud of Ginger....a shepherd collie mix who was adopted from a shelter......cowered a lot and was abused......i worked w/her a lot an d  was the first person she allowed to brush her!!!!We have these BIG gorgeous fox squirrels in our neighborhood.they must weigh 8 pounds!ppl hit them in the street and leave them for dead.I go w/a plastic bag and gently scoop them up and bury them.Such heartlessness in my opinion......but i know many don't feel the way I do about animals.There have been many difficult moments in my life and the animals have been there to comfort me when ppl wouldn't!And thru the greyhound rescue and cat shelters i have met many wonderful ppl who feel the same way i do about animals!

[narla]

I haven't been on for a few days,still suffering with the stupid sciatica,

[dominosarah]

I think many of us in recovery have animals.  Seems to be a common trait.  My beagle(aka the weagle!) was the light of my life.  She passed on to the Rainbow Bridge the 14th of Jan.  She had cancer.  I miss her so much.  I have a 10 yr old tom cat, Snickers, who i inherited from my dad when he passed away from brain cancer.  He is my boy and has the coolest attitude!!   He is sleeping upside down next to me on the couch!!  I went on the Humane Society page tonight and there are 354 beagles needing adoption.....I think i will take them all!!!

[more0then0a0virus]

Actully, Lily was found by a woman, who tried to find her an owner, before she put her to sleep.
I really appriciate animals, more then people who I generaly find cruel (except some of them). Recently, I˙ve been folowed by two dogs. I coudn`t have brought them home because they were female and my Lily is a really playfull and scary...

I hate when people torture animals, they sholuld be tortured, not animals. I think that if someone hurt my animal, I would have literally killed them . It just makes me so angry...

Animals are the best creatures of these planet. You can trust them more then people, they are always there and willing to spend time with us. they just want to have someone who loves them and spend time with them. Nothing more... Animals are so simple and nice.  

[dominosarah]

They give us unconditional love~~

[more0then0a0virus]

Actually, Lily was found by a woman, who tried to find her an owner, before she put her to sleep.

I really appreciate animals, more then people who I generally find cruel (except some of them). Recently, I’ve been followed by two dogs. I couldn’t have brought them home because they were female and my Lily is a really playful and scary...

I hate when people torture animals, they should be tortured, not animals. I think that if someone hurt my animal, I would have literally killed them . It just makes me so angry...

Animals are the best creatures of these planet. You can trust them more then people, they are always there and willing to spend time with us. they just want to have someone who loves them and spend time with them. Nothing more... Animals are so simple and nice.  

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah... I agree...

[more0then0a0virus]

I`ve read on your profile you were addicted to opiates. What kind of?
They depress nervous system and slow down transferring neurotransmitters and in that way they make the pain go away. Does it mean, that now, when you`ve got sciatica, painkillers work poorly? Are they powerless? All of them? Or just opiates, that you cannot take, would be useless? Does your addiction mean you can`t drink e.g. Caffetine because it has got codeine in it?

[dominosarah]

Right now Narla's husband is in control of the pills for her.  That is something we as addicts have to have in place if we need them as we cant control our intake.  After we have been off opiates for a long period they do work for pain.  Our tolerance hit quite high levels and we used alot of pills a day and for me i was just chasing the high.  Many of us found once we stopped using the pain meds our pain actuallly got better.

Do you take any opiates?

[more0then0a0virus]

No, I don`t... I`ve tried Subutex once, and methadone about 10 times...maybe 15... Every time I took 3-5 pills. It was ok when I was mixing it to alcohol, although I know that that can lead to death because of depression of breathing... And every day after I used them, I was throwing up and all that stuff... Once, I even came to school in that shape...  But my friend, who was giving it to me, died few weeks ago...

Have you been taken pills or you injected it (spoon thing and all of that)?

[ibizan]

Sarah- i can't wait for the day when another weagle aka beagle hits the jackpot and winds up in ur home! morethan0-i say that my animals are my reward when i come from work....i work w/humans so i can come home 2 the animals!So much peace and serenity in their company!

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah... Sometimes I can`t stand being with people, but animals are always welcome... And where and what do you work? In private company? Have you got a flexible working time? Good payment? Is it fun or boring?

[narla]

I have to get my husband to take control of the opiates,otherwise I know I would abuse them again,I had a 3 day relapse with them about a month ago,I didn't even want to come here and admit what I'd done,but saying nothing can say so much,because I hadn't been on(which is unusual for me)Sara and ibizan seemed to work out something was wrong.
I was here reading but not posting,so when they asked me if everything was ok,I had to be honest,and I told them what I'd done,they helped get me back on track again.

This is why this forum is so important.

[narla]

It's been 4 years now since our beloved family member crossed the rainbow bridge,we got her when she was 6 weeks old and she lived 17 years,so she was definitely a member of our family,the day we had to end her suffering was the most horrendous day,me my daughter and my husband all went to the vet and we all cradled her as she went to sleep,
We had her cremated and her ashes are in a pewter urn,we also had a beautiful photo of her and I even had casts of her paw prints done in plaster of Paris,they even cut a small piece of her fur for us to keep.
She was a Tibetan Spaniel,her name was Ming,We chose not to put her in shows even though she was bred from showdogs,We decided she should have a mind and will of her own.
We couldn't bear to get another dog after she went,but we do love animals,so we ended up with 2 cats,and they are just as much part of our family as Ming was

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah... It`s not easy.

I`m not even addicted for real, and this Saturday was the hardest night ever... Almost all the time, I couldn`t concentrate at the talking part, I was nervous, frustrated and angry and all the time I was thinking about the bottle of wine that was standing on the floor and nervously walking in the circle. I couldn`t take it anymore, so, while my friends were drinking, I had to walk alone few times during the evening... It was so hard. Like some unbearably strong, and at the same time forbidden need.

I can only imagine how hard abstinence must be for you... Opiates and all these years of using them and alcohol...  The important thing is you didn`t give up when you lost control for three days. And that must have been really hard… I suppose you must be really strong emotionally and physically…

[narla]

I get stronger every day,but it really is hard and it is something you have to work at,I just look at my grandchildren and tell myself that's the reason I want to stay sober.
I also have a brother-in-law who is very sick at the moment in hospital,dying as a result of alcohol and drug abuse,He has emphasyma and cirrhosis,and it is slowly killing him,
He is only 41.

[more0then0a0virus]

I know the feeling. Until we buried him, I spent the whole day crying and cuddling Barney. It was the most painful thing for me. I couldn`t imagine having a new dog, but we decided to have one because of my older sister. I wasn’t ready. I couldn`t give her (female dog Lilly) all my love. I was thinking about Barney and just couldn`t. She`s 10 months old, and I accepted her before maybe 3-4 months... But now we play with each other and she has become really important to me...
-----------------
Because of your brother-in-law, you are really needed sober and clean. I think if you started to drink again too, you would really hurt your family... Two problematic persons would be too much...

[ibizan]

its like this....when one animal goes to the Rainbow Bridge..google this if u haven't seen it......there is another who needs ur love!i do believe they want it that way!my dayjob?i work in a outpatient alcohol/drug counseling center!boring?sometimes it is when i watch ppl destroy themselves and their families with their addictions and refuse to get better...i am nothing more than a guide/mentor.I cannot do for one what they refuse to do for themselves.fun?when i see ppl want to recover and take responsibility for themselves it is....and watch them grow and change oh yes!i have a Adult Recovery Group on thursday that is the joy of my week...i meet some very cool nice ppl 2!pay?not the best but i'm glad to have a job w/all the job losses in the USA these past few years.Flexible hours?not really but i've been her for 25 years and have time built up for sick leave and take vacation when can.....biggest problem is very little vacation for how long i've been here.we are a public state funded agency.

[more0then0a0virus]

I guess it must be tiring sometimes, but it sounds interesting... And it`s great for ppl to have you `coz you know what you are talking about from your personal experience.

People lose jobs in Croatia too. I really can wait to see this government falls, if it happens. But it doesn`t have any sense, because new selfish people will appear on their places. Politic is a *****... And nowadays is really stupid to try because, at least here, big number of people go to college and end up unemployed.

[more0then0a0virus]

Why is the word b*tch deleted? I mean like this: " ***** "

[more0then0a0virus]

Is cocaine physically addictive? I really love to explore everything about drugs. And some say it is and some say it isn`t. Is speed physically addictive? My ex friend said he had withdrawal symptoms, but I never had them... But that`s probably because speed is really diluted in my town. But from Zagreb it`s really awesome... But even then I didn`t have physical withdrawal

[dominosarah]

OMG.......How did i forget about Calamity(Cali).  I feel so bad right now for forgetting her.  She has brought such joy to my life.  The house is so alive with her.  She is a  year and a half old already.  Oh man, i feel terrible for forgetting her.  

Cocaine is mentally addictive and very dangerous.  It plays he!! on your nose and mind.  It is also very deadly.  Sub and Methadone are very dangerous also. Mixing other meds and alcohol has proven deadly to many.  

I will be 3 yrs clean off drugs here shortly. I quit drinking years ago, coming up on 9 yrs.  It is a dead end road with drugs and alcohol.  Using was only a symptom of what was going on with me and recovery care has helped me face my demons, deal with them and put them to rest.  How did your friend die?

[ibizan]

medhelp will delete any type of swear word!:)YES both cocaine and speed r physically addictive......u can google the withdrawal symptoms for both...it is most unpleasant!and that i have seen firsthand here!

[more0then0a0virus]

Thanks for additional information... I explored a lot on Croatian sites, but on English not so much... I recently had a presentation (90 slides) on the theme of drugs in school. Strict professor was impressed and exhausted of the quantity of information. I find drugs really interesting so...

I think I`ve already wrote about my friend, but never mind. He was drunk in some private building. Police came because he was drinking there and told him he should leave. So he wanted to go out, and accidently, he fell down in the hole (from fifth floor) where should have been a lift, but it wasn`t because the building wasn`t finished. So, he was in a coma for about a week and a half. Then he died. He was 27. He was always one of rare reliable people who do or better say-did drugs...

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, I googled this symptoms. I had them, just haven`t thought they r physical...

[ibizan]

insomnia,irritability and mood swings r considered physical signs of withdrawal along w/cravings which one who becomes a regular user of these 2 will soon find out when they stop using them!

[more0then0a0virus]

i`ve had insomnia ,irritability, depressiom and mood swing...

Today I went out. Now I`m average drunk. Today, my parents were drinking. I found different sort of alcohol on the table... I didn˛t even think about it, I just drank. Then I went out... I`ve drunk 1L of beer and was on some weed... I˙ve ruined everything. my parents tought I drank one glass of wine. I`m OK; acctualy  perfect, but I have got this feling... I feel guilty... And stupid... I don`t know what to do... F*ck... I can`t... I want to, but I can `t...

[ibizan]

gonna start a second thread this is getting too long!