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Have i got a problem w/alcohol-part 2
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Have i got a problem w/alcohol-part 2

there is no such thing as can't quit....its just not ready too.... and won't quit!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
yeah... i actually want to, but i don’t think at all... i was too impulsive yesterday. never mind... i wont drink anymore, i guess... i´m depressed right now... i`m going to forget about last night on few hours...  but thank you for answering...

I`ll try to manipulate my mother to ground me… It`ll be safer then… When I`ll be at home all the time…
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495284_tn?1333897642
Isnt there alcohol in your home?  Why not tell them the truth?
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Yeah it is, but I can`t drink it anymore, because in every bottle of liqueur I`ve left maybe 1dl of alcohol. It`s not such a problem for me. But in Sunday morning was because opened beer was standing on the table when I was alone at home... But I didn`t drink...

I can`t worry them... And my father said to me once: "I can`t go trough this again". He was on the bottom... He`s sister was alcoholic, and he just wants to have a stabile family once in his life.

I was in a great mood yesterday. The fact I could drink made me so happy…  And I didn`t pass out. I was sure I was in control. And then I realized I`m at home, my mother was angry at me…  Everything is my fault…

So, today is my 1st day...
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495284_tn?1333897642
No my dear, not everything is your fault.   We dont have that much power.
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Yeah, I obviously do have that much power, I have got this ability to ruin everything, no matter if I want to do so, or not... I just screw up everything near me...

Yesterday I succeed to ruin this. I`ve ruined my 9th day... How stupid is that...

I think I won`t go out of the house anymore. I’m not independent enough for not drinking.
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1667237_tn?1308578209
succeed=succeeded
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Avatar_f_tn
NEVER view it as i'm not gonna drink again....for us and how we did was one hour at a time.....that grew in2 one day at a time....saying NEVER is a sure way to set urself up 4 failure!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
OK... I`ll do that... Thanks...
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495284_tn?1333897642
When we all got sober we had to change our playmates and our playground~~~~
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I can`t just leave them...
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495284_tn?1333897642
When it comes to saving yourself you will do whatever it takes...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
But...i explained the situation. my friend chose me when I was anti-social. And now, at the end of the day, i’m only person left for him. I can`t be such a  b*tch to him.

I talked to him few minutes ago, he`s really worried about me. For the first time we talked seriously. He feels guilty because he brought alcohol and didn`t stop me yesterday when I drank and told me he won`t let me ruin myself because I`m everything he has got. He has a strong hunch that my drinking will end badly... I explained him that it`s not his fault, but I`m so tired of talking and not drinking... But I won`t drink...

And, I don`t really care so much about the other friends who i go out with...  Just about him...
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495284_tn?1333897642
Maybe you 2 can have some sober outings.  I am glad you have someone you can talk to like that.
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I don`t know... He can control himself. But he asked if I want him not to drink next weekend.

He is great. We can accept each other. He has never fussed about anything I did, including drinking. That`s why I enjoyed spending time with him at the beginning...

I really am glad to have such a good friend... But, on the other hand, I don`t like talking like that with him, because he is going to control my behavior. I hated when people were telling me what to do. I felt trapped then. Like I didin`t have a right to choose.  I don`t want to be controlled, but that`s only option I`ve got...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Now I am screwed up.... I`ve been smoking that last gram of pot.... And now I`m really drunk... And it`s so great... And I`m not aware of anythin g right now... I`˛m resallx enjoying in everything... I don`t know how to stop, have I got a reason for that? I drank so much... So much alcohol misses.... ****... I drnk... But I feel awesome? How can I convince myself I that want to stop drinkin g
Ibizan, i know, you were right. I`m screwed up... I have this need and alchohgl...How to get rid of iit? Now I am screwed.... I`ve been smoking that last gram of pot.... And now I`m really drunk... And it`s so great... And I`m not aware of anythin g right now... I`˛m resllx enjoxing in everything... I don`t know how to stop, have I got a reason for that? I drank so much... So much alcohol misses.... ****... I˙m drunkw... But I feel awesome? How can I convince myself I that wabt to stiop drinking
i know, you were righz. I`m screwed up... I have this need and alchohgl...How to get rid of iit?

Hoe to get rid of iit?
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495284_tn?1333897642
When you sober up take a look at your last post....then we will all talk again.
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Avatar_f_tn
my father once said there comes a time in life when one has to drek or get off the commode.......well we all know what he REALLY said but it would get deleted here!YOU really think ur parents don't know whats going on w/u?they can't be that blind....they probably feel VERY frustrated about what to do......if ur friend was truly ur best friend he would not drink around you....that would be the REAL friendship test!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I guess I accidentally copy-paste it...  I was so fu**ing drunk...

I`m no good for anything...

I don`t remember half or the evening... I passed out, but I have got a litlle dose of relief, finally...

This is stupid. I can`t even do what I meant to do. And yesterday I drank too much from my parent `s basement. They will find out...

I just encumber this forum with my stupidity, and because of that I want to escape from here. I want to stop talking about this. I`m just wasting your time... I’m not successful. I’m a failure. You were stronger than me when you were quitting. I’m just a stupid b*tch.

I know I have to stop drinking, but I`m not good at that... I just complicate everything and don`t know what to do anymore. If I drink, I ruin everything. If I don`t drink, I have this need. I`m tired...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I don`t deserve your help. You should leave me to rot in here... I`m fu**ing failure...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I don`t expect from him to stop. He has got a right to drink. It’s his life. I`ve never had boundaries. I’m against that. And I don`t want him to stop drinking. That`s his life. If he wants to drink, he should. He doesn`t harm anyone...

And I was alone yesterday. At home. That`s why my parents didn`t realized. They don`t check me while I`m at home. So it can`t be his fault. It`s mine. Just like everything else...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
My friend have just said to me I will have some ups and downs and that`s normal, but the most important thing is not to give up. She said I`m making progress when she compares amount of alcohol in last 11 days with how often I used to drink. Now I`m ready for new, and I hope longer period of not drinking.
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1432897_tn?1322963137
Hi there.  I wouldn't say we were stronger than you when we stopped.  It may seem that way but for me I don't think that is true.  I drank and smoked pot and did a lot speed.  My friends and family tried talking to me about it and I just wouldn't budge.  I had my reasons and they were completely justified and righteous, at least in my own head.  I still had a few things I was placing ahead of getting cleaned up.  I knew I was in bad shape and needed to stop, however I wasn't yet willing to do what was necessary to stop.  Therefore I still drank and drugged.

In a short period of time my friends stopped coming by and my family stopped calling.  I only found out later that they couldn't stand by and watch me continue to poison myself.  They also knew from past experience that they couldn't tell me what to do either.  I would just rebel.  I later learned that that rebeliousness tends to be an alcoholic trait that many of us possess.  Anyway,  I got so out of control that I almost killed my wife and decided to leave.  Thinking only of her safety I packed my things and left.  Looking back I realize that I could have gotten cleaned up and things would have improved.  Turns out I chose to continue drinking and drugging instead of staying together.  Again, at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

With a truck full of stuff I wanted to keep I went to my parents house and asked if I could stay there and I explained what had happened.  I opened up and told them everything that was going on.  Turns out there was a lot they didn't know about.  They asked what I wanted to do.  I still wasn't sure what to do but knew things needed to change.  They had a friend in AA and we met.  He took me to meet another guy and we went to a mtg.  Since then things have gotten better.  My wife and I are back together and doing well.

At the time I was going through it I just couldn't see.  Looking back now however I can see that all the stuff I put before getting cleaned up I had to lose.  When I became willing to put sobriety first, I became blessed with being sober and get my family, friends and wife back.  The only thing I have to do is be willing to listen to others and do what they say is the right thing in regards to getting cleaned up.

I agree with Ibizan about the not can't quit, it's just not ready to.  The question I have to keep in mind is how bad does it have to get before I'm willing to do what is necessary to change.  Whenever someone makes a suggestion and I find a way to say "no" to that suggestion I am choosing to feed my disease instead of recover from it.

God Bless!!!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Thank you 4 sharing... It`s great you have earned everything back. It`s nice to hear something like that and that being happy is possible, without alcohol...

I guess I`m not completely ready to quit. But I´ll force myself somehow to be ready. I´ll make it work... I can do it.

Good luck...
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495284_tn?1333897642
Definition of insanity......Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

We dont let anyone rot in here.  You are not a failure to us.  We know where you are coming from as we have all been there.  It is up to you now to make a change, you can do it....sara
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1667237_tn?1308578209
These expressions like "rot in here" and stuff like that... I always have a need to say them or write them down when I`m depressive, hopeless or self-destructive. When my mood changes into "stabile" one, I know my ideas are unreal.

And insanity... It`s so sweet of you to say that (i`m joking). But you are right. But this time is different. Normally, when I screw it up, I keep drinking few evenings until I screw it up once again(my parents find out)... This time I started to do so, but I`ve decided to stop that. I won`t drink.  

Thanks for being supportive. Now I know I can do it. And I fu**ing will...
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Avatar_f_tn
Good Luck and God Bless all on here who are cursed with alcohol addiction.  My husband was sober for 9 years.  But in the last 10 years he has relapsed more than he has stayed sober.  He got it. He attended meetings.  Said all the cute little quotes, about one day at a time, give time time, blah blah blah.  He seems to have done evertyhing..but stay sober.  So here I sit an angry bitter woman, with 3 children who have not seen or spoken to their father in almost 2 years.  While he sits on a barstool..crying in his beer, living thelife he never should of gave up.   He never should have quit.Save my children and I  the heartache and save him from a life lived sober was all in vain. SO my advice to all of you, QUIT, just give it up stop bellyaching over how everything affects you..causes so much anxiety and worry and you feel bad. Like no one else in the world has a bad day.  or a bad week or a bad year..be an adult put one foot infront of the other and go on Better yet .. Grow up, get sober,or dont.. and STFU!
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495284_tn?1333897642
  Most of us in here are in recovery and have been sober for quite some time.  Educate yourself on addiction.  Have you gotten any type of therapy?  We fully understand what we did to our families, we cant change what happened but we can make sure it doesnt happen again.  You are very angry and rightfully so but please dont attack us here.  You are living in your own prison and it doesnt have to be that way.....All the best          sara
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Avatar_f_tn
whats STFU?
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495284_tn?1333897642
Shut the F Up........Nice huh?
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Thanks for answering. It`s ok to see it from different perspective.

I´m sorry about your husband. It must have been hard for you. I hope I won`t offend you by saying this, but alcoholism doesn`t show up from one glass. Realistically, you could inform yourself, conclude you don`t need that kind of husband, and leave him before many years.

But you didn`t. You decided to be there. You put your feelings, emotions, hope and marriage in front of realistic viewing even though emotional hell of that kind of life must have been harming you. When I drink, I also put my emotional needs in front of realistic commitments in spite of harming myself.

Every person has got his own way of dealing with things. Your is, obviously, displaced aggression and mine, besides that, is suppression, denial, repression... (probably yours too because you stayed with your husband so long). And alcohol helps to do so.

Anyways, I like the fact you showing not drinking as it is - simple.

And if you have got this need to express your displaced aggression, please do NOT talk to other people on this forum about that because they do not drink really long. Here I am. Blame me if that makes you feel better. I don`t mind. Or care.

I hope your kids are fine, due to their father. And don`t be angry. I mean, you can if you want to. But then it`s like you haven`t even left your husband. You should enjoy, isn’t that a point of leaving him? Now you`ve finally got an opportunity to have typical life without presence of addiction.
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I hope you don`t mind. I have something more to say to you…

„He never should have quit“, you said that. I guess you knew alcoholic can start to drink again. If you weren`t ready for that, you should have left him years ago. I`m sorry if this sounds cruel, but I`ve made impression that facts are the most important thing for you, so I`m trying to show this situation on the other hand.

He never should have quit. But he has. For you, probably. You think that he started to drink again purposely. Well, he didn`t. It just happened. I’m not saying that this is not his fault. `Coz no matter if we (we=generally, human race, anyone) do it under or because of the influence, we still do it. It`s us. No one else. We did it to ourselves when we decided to experiment with alcohol or drugs. And the illness is just an excuse, because we were building it 4 quite some time. I see it that way, even though lot of members wouldn`t agree with me.

It seems to me you are not angry at your husband, you are angry at yourself because of your choice, because you trusted him.

I can just imagine what you went and are going trough. But you have 2 choices:
1.let it go, be happy, explore everything you wanted to, but couldn`t because of your husband, show your kids what life should look like (if they are young)
2.stay angry, impulsive, do not provide your kids enough love(you probably can`t because of this anger), and help them to become alcoholics (kids often became like their parents because they are their models of “normal” behavior)

I hope you are not offended by the fact that the person who needs to “STFU” is advising you. And good luck…

P.S. “Grow up”, you said that. But is this how you imagine being grown up? “an angry bitter woman, with 3 children”? If you still have got so much anger, how come you didn`t act like an adult and solve your problems? Maybe, if you stop judging your ex and try to do that, it will get better...  
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Avatar_f_tn
thank u 4 ur comments  to babygames......u know u have a problem dear...and u have good insight in2 it..now the action part must come.....and thank u for pointing out to babygames that she has CHOSEN to remain in her situation!like Eleanor roosevelt once said...No one takes advantage of u without ur consent!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I didn´t know Eleanor Roosevelt or anyone else said that, but I do agree with that... I`ll google her quotes. Maybe I find something interesting.

Thanks 4 all advices...

Yeah, the action part begins... I’m enthusiastic about it again. My friend said to me I`m not so anti-social since I stopped or, better say, reduced my drinking, which is 11 days ago... weird, huh? For the first time, I really try to succeed in something after who knows how much time... So I`m interested in next part of the story...
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Avatar_f_tn
I read ur comments and u take me back in time and memory of the internal battle i began at age 19 to try to control my use.I once stopped for 2 months w/pot.....rationalized i had no problem and began smoking all over again.Hence the vicious merry go round began again!I finally stopped at 28......and u r 17....ugghhhhh!can u imagine urself going thru this for 11 more years?
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1667237_tn?1308578209
I don`t see I have a problem with pot. Yeah, I do spend my all money on drugs and alcohol but never mind. Maybe it`ll get better sometimes in the future when I`ll have some realistic money...

1g is 100kn, 156 about 700-900, 50 is 1500, and so on...  some kind of normal salary is 3 000-6 000kn... But I need at least 3000 kn to make me satisfied just with M. And then I need cigarettes, or tobacco (because of lack of money). Maybe I`ll start to grow M when I`ll have my own place. How are your prices considering average salary?

And maybe it won`t get better. But that`s further future. And I really need something to hold me in here... And I want to experiment w/some stuff... I`m not done yet. Maybe it sounds stupid but my life goal is to experiment... it`s my only true preoccupation on this world...
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495284_tn?1333897642
These type of experiments turn deadly.
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Avatar_f_tn
No ur not done yet w/all this..and it is ur true preoccupation in life it seems!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Yeah, I know I shouldn`t mess around w/drugs... but I˙m not ready 4 changing my whole life. Right now, the most important thing to me  is not drinking. And if that means I`ll rely on some other substance, never mind...

It is my preoccupation. Everything else seems pointless. I wish that it doesn`t, but it does, and I don`t have a strength to fight so much w/myself.

Firstly I have to stop drinking, maybe then I won`t be depressed so often and I`ll find something worth living 4, and then make some new changes. But I don`t know...

I wrote something wrong. 25 g is 700-900kn
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495284_tn?1333897642
The answers lie within yourself.....too bad you cant see that right now.  You wouldnt be a prisoner in your own head~~~
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1667237_tn?1308578209
No, I can`t see it. Why would I b a prisoner? I think I`m not but I`m willing 2 question that...
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495284_tn?1333897642
With all the inner turmoil you are having you are a prisoner.  You want to drink, you dont want to drink....You also want to use some other substance to take the place of alcohol.  You are running from the demons that haunt your life and your dreams.  We have all been there and thank God we made it to the other side.  Some havent been so lucky and have died.  Until you face your demons and your fears this cycle will continue.  I am telling you from 1st hand experience this is a dead end road.  There is no happy ending to substance abuse but there is a happy ending with recovery.........sara
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1667237_tn?1308578209
You are right.

Big part of inner turmoil is caused by conflict between something I should be/my parents and everyone else want me to be and what I want to be/ I am. But I’m not fully ready to abandon all of my wishes. So I try to make some compromise and that`s not possible. That makes me a prisoner in my own mind.

But, to end this cycle, which I`m aware of for a long time, I would have to change all what I am. I would have to change my life completely and adjust myself to thousands of pointless rules, no matter if they r attached to manners or laws... And those rules make me hate this whole world. When I try to accept them, I feel guilty and dirty. Like I`m betraying myself and selling my personality 4 being fake. And that feeling is even stronger than following this cycle.  That`s the price I cannot pay... I want to be what naturally comes to me (and that`s not possible because of materialism and those rules so I`m running away as you said) as long as I don`t hurt anyone directly, except me.  It`s the only way I know how to live. It`s pathetic. I know. But, f*ck... I think I really should see psychiatrist(but I probably won`t). I don`t complicate this situation w/alcohol as much I complicate life. I have my own twisted theories, not about what`s moral/immoral, then what person has/hasn`t a right to do.
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1667237_tn?1308578209
And I know the risk. And the death doesn`t seem to me as bad as this life on this planet. And than again. I won`t ever kill myself, I guess. I would ruin my familly...  

And I hate the way all this sounds... So f*cking miserable...
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1032715_tn?1315987834
I think at your age we were all rationalising our addictions,
We told ourselves we could stop if we wanted to,but for some reason we never did,
When you get to drinking 7 days a week,
When you  can't wait for the clock to tell you it's ok to start drinking now,
When you become agitated because you forgot a public holiday was coming up and nowhere is open to buy alcohol,and you have run out and you start to panic.
When you sit at home in your bedroom drinking alone,not wanting to let people see how much you drink,
When you hate yourself because you drink,and get depressed,
When you tell yourself no more,but that night you hit the bottle again,
When you have cried in desperation because you can't afford the alcohol you crave
When you have told your children you can't afford to do something with them,but you still sit there and have your alcohol.
When you are spending more on alcohol for yourself than on groceries for the whole family.
These are things that to me defined my alcoholism.

After 34 years of destructive behaviour and finding out my liver couldn't take it any more I knew I had to put a stop to it.

You,one day will have that realisation, I just hope it happens before you ruin your life or someone elses.

Keep talking to us-at least you are questioning your decisions,and hopefully one of us can steer you in the right direction.

Take Care
Denise
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Thanks for caring... Actually, I also hope that I`ll change my way of viewing things, I would like to be a different person... But I`m not, and I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

But I really can stop. I just have to want it. But I don`t. And you didn`t stop, because you didn`t want to do anything about it, just like me... I want to stop w/alcohol so I will. Because I can...

And those statements that define an addict, just prove me I`m not one... I admit I have some problems with alcohol, but I had really never done half of that stuff, or I did once or twice

I´ll explain every statement... But you don`t have to read it because it`ll be really long post...
-  drinking 7 days a week... (just once it was every day in one month but 15 days of that were winter holidays, so... and I haven`t drank all day long, just at evening, maybe once or twice 2 times a day)
- I have never literally look at the clock, my time was when my mother went to her room at the evening
- about holidays - Almost every time there is some bar, I was miserable just once when nothing was opened and I could go out during the week so that night I should have been enjoying the evening with my friend
- I drink alone because I don`t go out every day, and my parents don`t notice then so I don`t have to listen to them or cause problems, and my bed is close when I pass out. When I go out, i feel bed after I pass out. Then I`m a burden
- Ok, I hate myself really often because of my drinking and get depressed and hopeless
- Ok, I told myself I will stop drinking zillion times, and every time was "different", but now it really is because I feel strong enough, and that`s because of talking to you who were in worse situation then I am and still succeeded to stop
- I haven`t cried, I was just depressive and full of hate (once, and only once, I even couldn`t cuddle my cat because I was freaking out) when I drank and smoked everything and spent all my money... and I weren`t craving anything, I just needed to escape from reality or missed the habit
- I don`t have a child, but recently I was invited on some birthdays after I don`t know how much time, and I should have bought some weed with me, but I smoked it alone
- I don`t have do the finances 4 my family so... But I spend what I should be eating in school on alcohol and drugs... I have to sacrifice myself a little bit 4 what I want. That`s normal process in life

OK, I did lot of that things… (And I`m excusing myself… F**k…) But not as often as you… Ibizan, I know what you said about "I didn`t do this"... i`m not doing it to prove that I don`t have a problem, but to prove that I`m not so deep as you think I am...

It`s not a problem for me to talk to you, it`s ok, but I find myself boring right now... I have too much to say and rationalize... Ahh... (Croatian sound of exhaustion)
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1667237_tn?1308578209
OK, I remembered one more thing about i-couldn`t-even-cuddle-my-cat night. And it doesn`t prove that I don`t have a problem, but opposite... But I`m not trying to prove I don`t have a problem, but to be honest... So, while i was freaking out, I searched every little detail of my room that night trying to find something, anything psychoactive...

Don`t you find this boring?
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Avatar_f_tn
yes it is getting tedious...and a lot of recovery energy has been expended here....and i think ppl need to conserve their energy...as i'm going to.....u have hit the nail on the head.....enjoy what ur doing.....u state u r lazy and not ready to quit and rationalize ur behavior so it is what it is!
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Yeah, I know...
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1667237_tn?1308578209
It`s time for me to question all of my choices and ways of looking at this world. I shouldn`t make this so irrelevant. This may take a while (read: days)...
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495284_tn?1333897642
Today i celebrated 3 yrs off drugs.  After reading and posting on this i am even more grateful for my sobriety/clean time.  
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1667237_tn?1308578209
Congratulations... I see that as a positive thing... And I really am glad for you because you seems like u r such a nice person and you deserve to be happy... And have a nice time celebrating this day...

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495284_tn?1333897642
Thank you~~~~
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1667237_tn?1308578209
You`re welcome, enjoy...
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999891_tn?1407279676
Your Anger & bitterness is only hurting you and your kids.
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