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How do i stop missing my ex husband who is an alcoholic?
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How do i stop missing my ex husband who is an alcoholic?

Well i was together with my ex-husband for 22 years. 10 as boyfriend and girlfriend, and 12 married. All the time i knew D had a drinking problem, but he would try to control it because of me. Then came the storms of life. I went into preterm labor and our baby girl died when i was 5 months pregnant. After this he promised to stop drinking forever. I got severe postpardum depression with borderline pyschosis. Went to different shrinks and was put on antidepressants asap. Then i got pregnant again, and miscarried at 3 months. Time passed and no children. Then 8 years pass and out of know where he leaves me for another women. To my surprise he had being drinking and having affairs throughou our marriage after the death of our first child. I tried to save the marriage but it was useless. He got the girl pregnant, who is 11 years younger than him. Oh and she loves to party and drink it up. Well know D cannot stop drinking. He left our house on Dec.18,2008. I filed for divorced and it was finalist on August 20, 2009. He did not show up to court because he tried to commit suicide and was placed in a psychiatric unit.Of course, the family blamed me for that situation. I did not even know why he did not show up to court. I assumed he was probably getting his wedding plans together.This man has been drinking for 48 hours and then stops so he can go into his shift as a Lt. firefighter.The family has called me in the past. That he is going crazy without me, and that he is out of control. I will go to the rescue and then he goes back to his old ways and back to his drinking baby mama. So i feel so stupid and pathetic when i miss him. I do see a theraphist and take meds. Thank God. I have attended al-non meetings but got no real tools or advice on what to do. Other than their slogans. So today is a day that i miss this man greatly. Even though he has humilated me in everyway possible, I still love him. I am trying my best to stay away from him because i know he is sick. He is the only one who can help himself. I give up, But i wished this heartache would go away. Thanks for letting me vent. By the way, i am reading "Codependent no More"
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Avatar_f_tn
glad ur reading that book,,,,and hope u find a good counselor!Women have this very bad habit.....and either we learn our lessons the hard way and wise up...or we keep the blinders on and remain miserable...WE FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN"S POTENTIAL!!!!! we really hafta get knocked on the noggin hard to wake up.....so glad i did....and glad u did too...it took me three years to stop thinking constantly about my relapsed cruel ex.....today he is a distant memeory and i say to myself...what was i thinking?i thought my love support and the fact that we were a good team was enough....but he didn't believe this or in himself  to recover...and i have peace and serenity today minus the DRAMA of him in my life.and men do this as well with women!u say u have no tools or good advice from al-anon?u must be blocking it out!please look at what u have to be grateful for in life......that he is no longer in it driving u insane!
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1432897_tn?1322963137
Hi and thanks for sharing.  My wife and are lucky because we both stopped using and treating each other like crap (most of the time anyway  LOL).  However I can definetly relate to what you are saying.  When she went away to rehab I found that I actually missed all the stuff that would tick me off.  We have been together for about 18yrs.  7yrs as boyfriend and girlfriend and 11yrs married.  I guess when you are with someone for so long that dealing with them becomes a way of life and when they are gone things just don't seem right.  Even after my wife got sober and was actually nicer than she had been in a long time it was hard for me to see that because I kept thinking she was still a B**ch.  Do your best to let go and move on with your life.  Go out and try new things or get back into hobbies or something that you enjoy.  There isn't much you can do for him so please take care of yourself.  Life is short, please try to enjoy every minute of it.  God Bless!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you sooooo much for your advice. Ibizan, your very right about me falling in love with the potential of the man he could have been. This man went from working as a stocker at a store to becoming a fireman. I always told him that i believed in him no matter what. I never saw any flaws with him other than the drinking. I never saw the bad or negative in him. I always believed i was the one with the problem. If i would lose some weight, or give him a living child, maybe he would stop his partying ways. But all I ever got was mental and verbal abuse. I never understood why he could not love me for who i was. Know i realized that i was an enabler and very codependent on him, just the way he was with me. The sad part is that i now see this man falling into pieces and not giving a crap. I know i have to save myself from the insanity. So i stopped calling to check on him at work or at home. As al-non says, What is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. But you still get the same crazy end. And yes i am seeing a great shrink and therapist. I used cognitive behavioral thera[py to deal with my past tribulations. Now i need to use it with my dissolved marriage. I do ask myself, "What is wrong with me?"  How can i still care for this human being after all the things he has done to harm me. But I know he is very sick. And I just need to stay away from. Thanks guys.
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Avatar_f_tn
know helen reddy's song i am woman?great song!so glad u have had the light go on upstairs!!!u deserve a good life...it is obvious ur ex doesn't want to work for this for himself!mine didn't either and we cannot FORCE a loved one to make changes!please keep us posted on ur progress!
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Avatar_f_tn
Well today i feel alot better. However, seeing my ex-husband with his lover and baby was hard. Eventhough I know he was drinking and more likely already drunk.... Why the heck do I care? I need to stop wasting precious moments of my life and move foward. So the next time he tries to stop me as I am driving , I will just keep on moving forward. Lies, Lies, and more Lies. As I am barely finding out, alcoholics have a tendency to tell you what u just want to her. I understand it is a disease that breaks families, marriages, and relationships apart. But while I am trying to stay positive and hopeful that D will have an awaken moment, He is leaving it up and just thinking about the next drink. Nooooooo thank you. As my friends say, Stranger Danger stay away.. And it is obvious that i have along way to heal and need to stop letting D open up the wounds everytime he gets a hold of me. Enough said.
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Avatar_f_tn
look at it this way dear......she ain't getting no prize!i feel for that poor child they have brought in2 this world......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!why do ppl do this to a innocent baby?how i detest that...makes me nuts!!!!sigh!:(I hope she laid off the alcohol during her pregnancy....FAS in a child is something they never asked for!two sad ppl my dear....be grateful it is NOT U IN THIS SAD SITUATION!
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