How to be supportive

Four weeks ago I ended my year long relationship with my boyfriend, because I just couldn't deal any longer with his drinking and the behaviors that resulted. Two weeks ago he made the choice to quit for good, work on himself and his recovery, and work on getting me back. Labor Day was his last drink, and he's been a different person since. Never has he been so open with me about all of it, and I have hope that he might make it. We're still no longer together, but I told him I'd give him the opportunity to get his life together and prove to me that he's changed for the better.

Since my trust for him is completely gone, we decided that he'd give me a daily journal about his thoughts and feelings on recovery. Telling me what's going through his mind wasn't enough. He's looking into going to the VA for therapy, already checked on local AA meetings (not his desire to go, but he wants it as a backup plan), he's going to church, exercising, and just trying to stay sober. I know it's only been a week, but it feels different than it's ever been before, and he's acting like he really wants this and is determined to not screw it up.

My question is how can I be the right kind of support? I like the journals, because it keeps me informed when I've been lied to so many times before. I just don't want to overwhelm or frustrate him if it's always seeming to be a part of our conversation. I can't figure out whether that's healthy for him or not. I mean, he doesn't seem to mind talking about it and is always positive and strong-willed, but is it a good idea to constantly bring it up? I know this is very new for us both, so I am assuming that further down the road, if all goes well with his recovery, it won't always be the major focus of our relationship.

Please just give me some additional insight on how I can be a positive person for him at this time, and what might be the wrong things to say or do. Thank you!

[MJIthewriter]

This sounds encouraging. I hope you can get some good advice too.  I think still keep a respectful distance throughout the process. He has to earn your trust back and work hard for it. Don't give it to him freely.

[ibizan]

MJ gave u some good advice.U have spent way too much energy on trying to figure out how to be supportive to him...believe me u have done beyond ur share!U need to get to Al-Anon and learn how to be less co-dependent and enabling of him....work ur own program and he does need a support group for he cannot do it alone he needs to work his own program...the submission of his journals to u is like u doing a mothering-watchdogging his sobriety thing.....he should be sharing those with his VA counselor.

[MlovesD]

Maybe I am naive here, and maybe I have a bit of codependence as you like to tell me, but I'm not with him! He IS doing this on his own. I'm not exercising with him, going to church with him, telling him to call the VA nor dialing the number when he's checing on local times and places of AA meetings. The ONLY thing I'm doing is talking to him about his recovery and reading his journals, which was HIS suggestion. I have gone to my own meetings and have thought about returning since he started progressing. All I'm asking for is how to be more supportive and know whether I'm doing too much or not enough.

Whenever I post on this side, I always feel like I'm being told to leave him and that I'm codependent, and I rarely feel like I'm getting any support. Nobody knows me or my relationship like I do, and no one will know why I chose to stay as long as I did...and the fact remains that I DID get out of the relationship but am happy to be there for him if he chooses to get better! We are not getting back together until he's proven that he's working hard on himself and has had some significant time under his belt, and I AM living my own life.

I know there are people on here that has or had a spouse or significant other stand by them through their own recovery. Maybe they can answer my question as to what worked best for them. All I want to know is what I can do to be more supportive.

[ibizan]

dayjob is substance abuse counselor 23 years and i've been clean/sober  going on 25 years.i am glad u got out of the relationship for u were tolerating 2 much from him.it never ceases to amaze me in this job the amount of **** i see ppl put up with from alcoholics/addicts and go nuts continueing to take it!U've really made a LOT of progress from when u were first posting here and i'm happy for u!time will tell regarding the relationship..u know that and i'm glad to see ur taking care of urself!i think u've done a lot and more than enough to b supportive to him and i know u'll continue...the ball is in his court now!keep up the good work and take care of urself as #1!

[MlovesD]

Thank you! I know you're experienced in the field, so I don't negate that and your personal experience at all, but I do know me and my strengths, what I will and will not put up with, and how far I'm willing to go, which is why the relationship ultimately ended. This has been a total learning process for me because I didn't know he drank much at all when we first met until it was too late and have never had experience with alcoholism. In the beginning, I was the enabler, but as time progressed, I learned more and changed my behaviors. Now I'm experiencing something new, because I know he has every desire to change his life, and I don't want to screw it up on my part by being to in his face about it, albeit a supportive in his face. :)

Mostly, I want to know if we should continue to talk about his recovery, or if I should let him continue with the journals and just talk about other things. I want him to know I support him, but I also want his recovery to remain our number one focus. It's most important right now. And is there anything else I can do or say? Just to add, he is very open about everything and doesn't seem to mind talking about it. He talks all day long about it with his coworkers and seems very happy that he's come this far.

[ibizan]

it is good that he shares so much with u....but he needs to share these things albeit the journal with a counselor...and most of all other recovering men with good sobriety for he needs positive male role models to show him this can be done!u find these at AA or other options 2 AA such as Rational Recovery or the Vets support group.u r doing all u can to support him..he should be grateful u have hung in with him thus far for u've really undergone a lot.He sounds like he's made a lot of progress...but during the first year he must realize and accept what his relapse triggers r..this best done with one not so close to him as u..one who can provide objectivity.I see SO many relapse who don't do this..they use the significant other as their everything...counselor,confidant,sponsor and this is not good....they need to establish relationships with other recovering ppl and for him as a man other sober men who LIVE good recovery!