How to quit drinking with a spouse who drinks?

[Vicki68]

I am 39 years old and have been a drinker for about 15 years.  I tend to drink more on the weekends and I realize that I am drinking too much.  I have severe anxiety the next day and feel terrible.  If I go without drinking for a few days I feel much better.  I really want to quit drinking for health reasons (I have MS and am overweight) and to get rid of the anxiety.  I rarely get anxiety if I don't drink.  My husband drinks every night.  I know it would be a lot easier for me to stop drinking completely if I didn't life with someone who drinks every night.  I seem to do better during the week but on the weekends I end up drinking 8 or 9 beers a night and feel terrible by Sunday.  How do you quit drinking when you live with someone who won't?  I love my husband but this is making it very difficult for me.  I should also say that my sister died from alcohol related liver disease four years ago, which doesn't help my own anxiety.

[ibizan]

a very hard thing 2 do indeed...stopping drinking with a hub who does....but it sounds imperative u stop for many reasons and moving out most likely isn't what u want or will do...u need to busy urself during ur drinking times...have u tried AA?r u going to counseling?u need to get ur mind and hands busy with something other than the bottle!

[Rena705]

I hope you don't mind but I saw your post on the MS forum and had to comment.  I have had MS since 1993 but it was in remission until 2007.  In those years I had a severe alcohol problem and also was a 2 pack a day smoker.  In 2000 I decided that I no longer wanted to deal with the problems associated with alcoholism and took it upon myself to change what I drank for starters.  I used to drink White Rum and could keep up with hubby drink for drink.  I changed to Kahlua and Milk or Beer.  I did this with the thinking that they both bloat me up so much I CAN'T drink to the point of inebriation.  As I was doing this I was able to stand back and look at what alcohol was doing to others around me and I didn't like what I saw.  The hangover's alone...once I didn't have them anymore I sincerely wondered why the heck I ever drank!!

I have not been inebriated since about 2004 and continued to have 1 or 2 Kahlua and milk every few days but then when I got sick in Feb. 2007, I haven't had a drink since and I don't miss it one bit.  

I quit smoking in July 2007 and haven't had a cigarette since and yes I do miss it occasionally, I am never going to smoke again!

I have to admit that being on the steroids and Anti-seizure meds were a deterent to drinking as well, I found that changing my lifestyle was the main thing in making it easier.  My other half still drinks on his nights off but knows that inebriation is something that I can't deal with now that I am ill so he keeps things pretty mellow.  He is the only driver in the house now as well so he knows that he has to do things on his days off so he has to take it easy with the drink.

I think you know that just because hubby is drinking, doesn't mean that YOU HAVE TO!!
Maybe you can get involved in a program with your dog doing agility training or something like that!  You should try to get really excited about something that is your own!  He should have nothing to do with it, you need it to be all your own.  I started embroidery and soon was doing embroidery on all my buddy's fishing hat's, vests, shirts and it was a lot of fun!  Unfortunately my eyesight has gotten bad and I can't do it anymore but that's not saying that whatever it is you choose to do for yourself can't be a life long thing that brings a lot of enjoyment into your life...a lot more than those hangover's did anyway.

I think that you have made a conscience decision to quit drinking and I say bravo for you!  You can go ahead and do this you know without any approval from hubby...it won't be long before he realizes that something is changing and I personally think it's best to not even tell him of your decision to quit....it is amazing how they can even unknowingly try to keep you drinking because if you are doing it, it's ok for him to do it and on and on...don't tell him you are quitting!  

You have made a good first step on this journey...you have managed to keep yourself together and move on after a devastating diagnosis of MS...I think  you are a very strong person...you can make this next step if you put your mind to it!!!

Rena705

[jml1986]

Stopping anything is hard when someone around you is doing it. The key is just don't give up. Set the goal and if you mess up, don't beat yourself up, just start again. Anyone that has ever had an addiction knows that noone generally succeeds on their first try. Good luck.

[sickinmo]

I was diagnosed in 1998 with MS.  I started drinking heavily in November 1999 when I started my Avonex treatments.  Those messed with my body so bad...I drank to hide the pain I was feeling..to become 'numb' to it all.  I know exactly what you are going through.  My SO still drinks. He's made it very clear to me that he will not stop, even if I ask him to.  Part of me feels that it rebellion inside of him, another part of me feels that he's just acting like a spoiled brat most of the time.  His attitude towards me has done a complete turn-around because I have quit drinking.  He is meaner to me, puts me down, snaps at me, etc etc etc.  The list goes on and on.  Am I tired of it? Yes. Am I use to it? Sure. We've been together for 10 years now almost.  Ok, so how do I deal with it?  How do I deal with the fact that I am trying to better my life for myself while I still have a drinker close to me and the alcohol staring at me right in the face EVERY SINGLE DAY?  It took me awhile.  I was never a home drinker.  I was always a social drinker.  So, I see the beer and wine and hard liquor all in the dining room/kitchen area and I'm hardly tempted by it.  Sure, I get the thoughts that are fleeting thru my head and I think, gee, that sounds kinda good right now.  Then I realize that I just had my 5 month sobriety birthday and how proud I am of myself.  And the thought leaves my mind immediately.  It was told to me Saturday at an AA meeting that a 'craving' only lasts about 6 seconds.  If for some reason it lasts longer than that, then there is something else going on with you that you are not aware of.  It could be who you are with, your surroundings, or possibly just something else in general that is bugging you.  When I do get the cravings I get my hard candy out and chomp away.  Hard candy definitely works for me.  It usually takes 6-7 pieces though to calm the cravings, but it works.  Also, the serenity pray helps a lot for me as well.  When I can't figure out what is going on with me, I talk it out:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
-what can I not change? (whether it be person place or thing)
The courage to change the things I can
-what can I change?  (me, how i'm feeling and thinking, how i am reacting to the situation or problem that has occurred)
And the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.
-I then ask myself if both of the above are true and thought out enough to where I understand them, even if no one else would.  I also talk it over with HP.

This has helped me quite a bit when my SO has come home drunk numerous nights back-to-back and gets pissy with me when I get upset because he's been out for 9-10 hours on a Saturday and god only knows how much money he has blown. (I'll save that one for later)

Anyways, hope this helps.  AA meetings are good as well.  If there aren't any close by in your area, there are also online meetings you can chat through.