How to quit drinking with a spouse who drinks?

[Vicki68]

I am 39 years old and have been a drinker for about 15 years.  I tend to drink more on the weekends and I realize that I am drinking too much.  I have severe anxiety the next day and feel terrible.  If I go without drinking for a few days I feel much better.  I really want to quit drinking for health reasons (I have MS and am overweight) and to get rid of the anxiety.  I rarely get anxiety if I don't drink.  My husband drinks every night.  I know it would be a lot easier for me to stop drinking completely if I didn't life with someone who drinks every night.  I seem to do better during the week but on the weekends I end up drinking 8 or 9 beers a night and feel terrible by Sunday.  How do you quit drinking when you live with someone who won't?  I love my husband but this is making it very difficult for me.  I should also say that my sister died from alcohol related liver disease four years ago, which doesn't help my own anxiety.

[Misssy2]

Once you are READY to stop...it won't matter who is drinking.  When I was READY...there were booze in my house and my X was smoking pot every night (getting the escape I craved)....

However, everyone is different thou.  If my husband wouldn't protect me from his drinking and that is what I needed...I'm sorry it would be a deal breaker for me no matter how many years...I was married.  It will only cause problems if you are unable to be around it and he continues to drink.  My wish for you is that YOUR desire is lifted for drinking..and that you just look at his "drink" as a soda and/or HIS problem.

[ibizan]

I hear where you're coming from...u are in a BIG pickle......BUT whose life is this?YOURS!years ago when i got sober in 1983 my best drinking buddy said to me when i got out of rehab"u're a reminder to me of the problem i have that i'm not willing to do anything about"!!!U are your hubs best drinking buddy and he doesn't want to lose that!So you have some BIG decisions to make,for u will never become sober in the environment of which u describe!

[Aspen15]

I want to stop drinking as well.  I come from alcoholics and I do not want to end up like that.   As soon as I tell my husband or family that I am not drinking, they look at me like I am a social alien.  It then becomes a thing I CAN'T do instead of a thing I don't want to do.... I am stuborn and as soon as it becomes an "I can't", I do....which means a drink.  My goal is to compete in the SABBA which is a figure competition and in order to do that....I can't drink!  I get no support from family...I have a very stressful job, so when I come home and my husband is drinking a beer all I want to do us pour a glass of wine!

[Naydee1]

I hear you. I've been married for 13 years now and been doing the same thing as you just staying home every weekend to drink and eat. Its not fun anymore. I am also looking for a way out of this routine that is killing me mentally and physically. I can't think straight sometimes I feel confuse, also a a lot of anxiety lately.

[ibizan]

thank you for posting....your courage and taking responsibility for ur mistakes is much appreciated here and hopefully others may read this and follow suit!so glad ur son has his MOM back!:)Enjoy!:)

[sarajoy101]

Your story reminded me much of my own. I grew up with Mom and Dad both being alcholics... I put my only son who is now 11 though this for about 4 years all because I was trying to keep up with my BF all the time, my son has seen me wasted one to many times....I have a lot of guilt but my son is an amazing individual and he loves me so much even after all of the drinking. He was never neglected as far as being fed, clothed and provided for...but unfortunately was in nurturing during this time. Sadly I chose my SO over my child at the time even though I didnt realize it. It took me 4 years!! I wish I could have those back with him but life is so much better for both of us now and I try not to dwell on the past. We talk openly about drugs and alcohol and he has seen first hand what damage it can do and he has also seen me come out of it and I pray that makes him stronger at resisting it through life since it is hereditary in my family, plus his father was an addict as well. My son tells me every time we talk about it that he is never going to even have a beer and he will never smoke or do other drugs...I m praying he keeps this attitude, I keep him as busy as possible in sports so that he has no time for much else ;)

Good luck to anyone else struggling with addiction, this is a prayer for you that God gives you strength & peace!!! Take Care

[TerminalVelocityMD]

My father died when I was 8 years old. My mother remarried a few years later and she married a severe alcoholic. Even though I was a child, I was appalled at what I witnessed.  My mother started drinking with my new step-father and became an alcoholic.  She even started smoking -- at age 42!!! -- and has been unable to quit despite the fact that her husband kicked the habit. In essence, she started drinking and smoking to keep up with her husband and now she is worse off than him.  She cannot sleep without sneaking drinks - straight shots of brandy from a bottle hidden in the pantry.  She will go into withdrawal very quickly so she basically stays inebriated. As a child who became a teenager, I watched in deep sadness and disappointment, then worry set in: they were destroying their health and they were endangering other people! I had already lost a father and didn't want to lose my mother too.
Sadly, my mother is a lost cause. But you are not!! Please take things one step at a time. Think of your health first and imagine how much more fun you will have without the drinking.  You don't have to drink even when your husband does but I get the feeling that it's tough for you to be around drunk people without getting drunk too (a common feeling).  Still, try sobriety first with a focus on health. Please don't become my mother.  Please.

[ibizan]

if u had 3 years of sobriety at one time u need to backtrack and figure out what ur relapse triggers were and why u caved to the drink....was he supportive to u in ur past sobriety?....alcohol is not ur hubs DOC but he drinks daily with u?sure sounds like it is!he most likely doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy....how about the 2 of u get sober together and make it a WE thing!

[Annid]

I am a heavy daily drinker and would really like to give it up forever if possible. I have tried and tried and given up and have had 3 yrs sobriety in my earlier life.
It isn't wrecking my life yet, but it is straining me personally and financially and I am sure internally will eventually wrecking my body. Alcohol isn't my spouses DOC, but he does drink almost daily somee and after raising kids and being married 18 years the only thing we seem to do together now is stay home and eat and drink. He says he supports me but when it comes down to it he is weak too and it seems like he doesn't really want me to change - not sure how to deal with that...any thoughts

[Reasons1234]

I want to become sober but my boyfriend continues to use. I dont know what to do becasue when he is out getting drunk and high it triggers me to want to do the same thing.  I feel like I should leave him in order to become sober, but I love him alot. I want him to become sober just like me and help me along the way by him not useing anymore.  What should I do.

[sickinmo]

I was diagnosed in 1998 with MS.  I started drinking heavily in November 1999 when I started my Avonex treatments.  Those messed with my body so bad...I drank to hide the pain I was feeling..to become 'numb' to it all.  I know exactly what you are going through.  My SO still drinks. He's made it very clear to me that he will not stop, even if I ask him to.  Part of me feels that it rebellion inside of him, another part of me feels that he's just acting like a spoiled brat most of the time.  His attitude towards me has done a complete turn-around because I have quit drinking.  He is meaner to me, puts me down, snaps at me, etc etc etc.  The list goes on and on.  Am I tired of it? Yes. Am I use to it? Sure. We've been together for 10 years now almost.  Ok, so how do I deal with it?  How do I deal with the fact that I am trying to better my life for myself while I still have a drinker close to me and the alcohol staring at me right in the face EVERY SINGLE DAY?  It took me awhile.  I was never a home drinker.  I was always a social drinker.  So, I see the beer and wine and hard liquor all in the dining room/kitchen area and I'm hardly tempted by it.  Sure, I get the thoughts that are fleeting thru my head and I think, gee, that sounds kinda good right now.  Then I realize that I just had my 5 month sobriety birthday and how proud I am of myself.  And the thought leaves my mind immediately.  It was told to me Saturday at an AA meeting that a 'craving' only lasts about 6 seconds.  If for some reason it lasts longer than that, then there is something else going on with you that you are not aware of.  It could be who you are with, your surroundings, or possibly just something else in general that is bugging you.  When I do get the cravings I get my hard candy out and chomp away.  Hard candy definitely works for me.  It usually takes 6-7 pieces though to calm the cravings, but it works.  Also, the serenity pray helps a lot for me as well.  When I can't figure out what is going on with me, I talk it out:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
-what can I not change? (whether it be person place or thing)
The courage to change the things I can
-what can I change?  (me, how i'm feeling and thinking, how i am reacting to the situation or problem that has occurred)
And the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.
-I then ask myself if both of the above are true and thought out enough to where I understand them, even if no one else would.  I also talk it over with HP.

This has helped me quite a bit when my SO has come home drunk numerous nights back-to-back and gets pissy with me when I get upset because he's been out for 9-10 hours on a Saturday and god only knows how much money he has blown. (I'll save that one for later)

Anyways, hope this helps.  AA meetings are good as well.  If there aren't any close by in your area, there are also online meetings you can chat through.

[jml1986]

Stopping anything is hard when someone around you is doing it. The key is just don't give up. Set the goal and if you mess up, don't beat yourself up, just start again. Anyone that has ever had an addiction knows that noone generally succeeds on their first try. Good luck.

[Rena705]

I hope you don't mind but I saw your post on the MS forum and had to comment.  I have had MS since 1993 but it was in remission until 2007.  In those years I had a severe alcohol problem and also was a 2 pack a day smoker.  In 2000 I decided that I no longer wanted to deal with the problems associated with alcoholism and took it upon myself to change what I drank for starters.  I used to drink White Rum and could keep up with hubby drink for drink.  I changed to Kahlua and Milk or Beer.  I did this with the thinking that they both bloat me up so much I CAN'T drink to the point of inebriation.  As I was doing this I was able to stand back and look at what alcohol was doing to others around me and I didn't like what I saw.  The hangover's alone...once I didn't have them anymore I sincerely wondered why the heck I ever drank!!

I have not been inebriated since about 2004 and continued to have 1 or 2 Kahlua and milk every few days but then when I got sick in Feb. 2007, I haven't had a drink since and I don't miss it one bit.  

I quit smoking in July 2007 and haven't had a cigarette since and yes I do miss it occasionally, I am never going to smoke again!

I have to admit that being on the steroids and Anti-seizure meds were a deterent to drinking as well, I found that changing my lifestyle was the main thing in making it easier.  My other half still drinks on his nights off but knows that inebriation is something that I can't deal with now that I am ill so he keeps things pretty mellow.  He is the only driver in the house now as well so he knows that he has to do things on his days off so he has to take it easy with the drink.

I think you know that just because hubby is drinking, doesn't mean that YOU HAVE TO!!
Maybe you can get involved in a program with your dog doing agility training or something like that!  You should try to get really excited about something that is your own!  He should have nothing to do with it, you need it to be all your own.  I started embroidery and soon was doing embroidery on all my buddy's fishing hat's, vests, shirts and it was a lot of fun!  Unfortunately my eyesight has gotten bad and I can't do it anymore but that's not saying that whatever it is you choose to do for yourself can't be a life long thing that brings a lot of enjoyment into your life...a lot more than those hangover's did anyway.

I think that you have made a conscience decision to quit drinking and I say bravo for you!  You can go ahead and do this you know without any approval from hubby...it won't be long before he realizes that something is changing and I personally think it's best to not even tell him of your decision to quit....it is amazing how they can even unknowingly try to keep you drinking because if you are doing it, it's ok for him to do it and on and on...don't tell him you are quitting!  

You have made a good first step on this journey...you have managed to keep yourself together and move on after a devastating diagnosis of MS...I think  you are a very strong person...you can make this next step if you put your mind to it!!!

Rena705

[ibizan]

a very hard thing 2 do indeed...stopping drinking with a hub who does....but it sounds imperative u stop for many reasons and moving out most likely isn't what u want or will do...u need to busy urself during ur drinking times...have u tried AA?r u going to counseling?u need to get ur mind and hands busy with something other than the bottle!