I am a binge alcoholic :(

I have just recently admitted this to myself, and I feel awful about it.  I do not drink every day.  Sometimes I go for weeks without drinking.  Other times I drink a few times in one week.  Every time I drink, it is for the sole purpose of getting wasted, and I do it every time.  I know it is an escape mechanism for me.  As such, I have learned to never leave my house when I drink, and I refuse to drink around my daughter anymore.  She is home about half the time (school and freinds keep her busy).  I am NOT making excuses.  I just want you to know my situation.  My husband is not a drinker, but has the patience of a saint when I drink, and we rarely fight about it.  He will talk to me about it the next day when i am sober, ask why i did it, and what he can do to help me not want to... I love him dearly, and I love my daughter, and I do not want this to escalate.  I crave alcohol when not frinking (like right now).  My therapist refuses to see or speak to me when im not sober, no blame there.  Any input would be appreciated. - Blu

[rod44]

You said it, you are an alcoholic be it binge or otherwise. You have made the first step in recovering from this awful disease so give yourself a pat on the back. Do not feel awful about admitting you are an alcoholic, feel  awful about what drinking is doing to you and your family. Have a chat with your husband, be open and honest with him. Think about going to a recovery group like AA. Your are lucky your husband is a patient man but ask yourself how much more can he take or should he have to take. Your Daughter is not stupid and will know what is going on. Not sure how this works, you say you dont leave the house when drinking and then say " My therapist refuses to see or speak to me when im not sober" you need to be honest, with everyone in your life but most of all with yourself.

It will escalate  if you don't get help.

[rod44]

You said it, you are an alcoholic be it binge or otherwise. You have made the first step in recovering from this awful disease so give yourself a pat on the back. Do not feel awful about admitting you are an alcoholic, feel  awful about what drinking is doing to you and your family. Have a chat with your husband, be open and honest with him. Think about going to a recovery group like AA. Your are lucky your husband is a patient man but ask yourself how much more can he take or should he have to take. Your Daughter is not stupid and will know what is going on. Not sure how this works, you say you dont leave the house when drinking and then say " My therapist refuses to see or speak to me when im not sober" you need to be honest, with everyone in your life but most of all with yourself.

It will escalate  if you don't get help.

[Phtartist]

In retrospect you will see how you have made a huge step here today in writing out what  your drinking has developed in your life.
I once heard that it isn't how often you drink, it is the results that matter.  
So far Blu, you are managing your drinking around events and people and have a preoccupation with your next drink.
You say it is an escape mechanism, I agree, sort of self medicating.
If you are alcoholic, there often is a genetic factor. Is anyone in your family a "heavy drinker"?
These are things to consider before you continue the way you say you are.
Best wishes.

[BluCrystal]

Thank you for your responses.  I know I have to get a handle on this.  Rod, u mentioned that I said I dont leave the house when I drink, and that is true.  Sometimes my therapist will call to check on me, or even come by my house.  This is what I meant when I said she will not see or speak to me if I have been drinking.  She says simply 'I will talk to you when you are sober.'   I love that she shows no approval whatsoever for my drinking.  No, Ph, this is not genetic.  I know this because I have very deeply rooted problems that make me want to escape.  I was never exposed to alcohol as a child.  I never even met anyone who drank until I became an adult.  My therapist works on these with me when I go see her once a week.  I know better than to even think about drinking before I drive ANYWHERE.  I value my life as well as that of others.  This is why I am seeking help wherever there may be something that even might help me... Thanks again - Blu

[BluCrystal]

PS  This has nothing to do with any legal issues... I have never had a DUI, or been in any legal trouble for drinking or otherwise.  So, you know I am seeking help of my own free will. :)

[rod44]

I was a bit confused about the leaving the house, I am glad you don't drink and drive.

I found that when I stopped drinking that I had many issues, paranoia, irrational fear, resentments against everyone and depression. I like you was not exposed to drink as a child but did have some emotional baggage from my childhood that I did not deal with at the time. I was able in my own mind to deal with these issues by burying my head in a glass. I would drink to forget, this never worked because the problem was always still  there in the morning, sometimes it was compounded by the depression or paranoia that was slowly creping in with my drinking then there was this irrational fear. I could not say it was a fear of someone or something, it was this constant fear that I could not understand.
You have made a choice to do something about your drinking, this is the hardest thing for any person with a drink problem to do. Recovery can be as easy or as hard as you make it. early recovery was hard for me because I wanted to do it my way. I thought by stopping drinking that everything would be OK but I learned that there is so much more to recovery. I accepted some parts of my drinking and was able to deal with them but other parts were not so easy.  

[ibizan]

I cannot add anything new to this thread....u have been given the best answers by some of the BEST members of this forum!:0

[Phtartist]

I had to answer your post, you sound so much like myself years ago!
Best wishes!
~hugs~