I am in love with a alcohoc

[peg73]

I am in love with a man that drinks 24 /7.we have been togather for 5 years I went though rehabe with him I supported him and was there for him.He promised me everything when he got out and our son.he got out and 3 days later was back to drinking and he left me for a women that drinks all the time because I dont drink.we were sperated for 5 months we got back togather this past march and he stayed clean for 2 weeks and now he is been gon for 5 days on a drunk binge do i waste anymore of my life with him.I feel like i am letting him down if I leave him and cant help him.The mood swings with him is killing me inside ANYHELP please

[mammo]

Please do yourself and your son a big favor and just leave!  You cannot help him, only he can help himself, and it doesn't appear that he even wants to do this.  He is not a good role model for your son, and you deserve to have a happy life.  I know a lot about alcoholism.  I went thru this with my daughter, whose husband started drinking heavier and staying out all night drunk immediately after their first child was born.  She threatened to leave him several times, but he learned quickly that it was just talk.  It was breaking my heart, she was a new mother, and she couldn't even reach him by phone as he chose to not answer his cell.  We live several states apart, and when the baby was several months old she came home, and just sobbed while holding the baby.  This was not the life she had planned, or that he promised her.  I wondered what had happened to my spunky, independent daughter?  She had no money, no job, and the last thing she wanted to do was leave her baby in daycare. She asked me what she should do, so I told her.  I said go home and take your life back one step at a time.  You do not deserve this life, and your son doesn't either.  She went home, got a job, put her son in the best daycare in the city, and 2 months later told her husband she was leaving.  She still loved him very much, but knew what her life would continue to be, and she didn't want her son growing up with this man as his role model.  Her husband immediately stopped drinking, joined AA, and became very involved in church.  She still moved out and into her own place.  He was sure she would come back, but the relapse rate of alcoholics is 90 something percent, and she told him that she didn't want to be married to a ticking time bomb the rest of her life, who may start drinking again.  She told him that she did love him, and was very proud of all he'd done with not drinking. That was 3 years ago, and he is still sober.  He is the best father, whose world evolves around his son.  My daughter had it put in the divorce decree that if he should start drinking again, he can no longer see their son.  My grandson is the happiest, most well adjusted child I've ever seen.  He truly has the best of both worlds, probably better off than some kids living with both parents.  He has 2 happy homes instead of one unhappy home.  He has fluorished in daycare, and enjoys it very much, which makes my daughter very happy.  Throughtout the first year after leaving,it made my daughter sad that it had come to this.  But he thanks her for doing what she did, because if she hadn't he would still be a drunk with no relationship with his son or ex-wife. They are now good friends. My daughter is very happy, she has many friends with children, some married, some not.  Now everyone is happy, most importatly, their son.  Please don't keep wasting your time.  Men who stay out all night are not doing it alone and you may well end up with a disease or something.  If you leaving him is not enough to make him stop, nothing is going to.  So, if you do leave, plan on being gone long enough for him to know you mean it and see what happens.  This way if you want to try and work it out, he knows you mean business.  Right now all he knows is that he can do as he pleases, give you empty promises, and no matter what, you'll be there.  You've got to show him you won't, please trust me on this. You leaving is his only hope of ending the drinking, and if you choose to not return, hopefully he will stay sober and become a better man, or go back to drinking which is what he would have done once you went back anyway.  Good luck to you......

[boogieman]

hi there. as stated above, you can do this for him. he is very sick, yes, but until he wants to help himself, things will only get worse. i am a recovering alcoholic myself and can tell you that no threat of loss, whether a job, relationship, money or security was enough for me to stop. it took a lot of pain and a lot of burned bridges to get me to my last drink. and if i drink again, i'll not be back where i was, i'll be in much worse shape than before. i learned this process first in treatment, (but i'm stubborn), but it did not fully resonate in my brain until i found out through personal experience. he must put his sobriety before you or anything else. anything he puts before his sobriety he will likely lose. most chemically dependent folks need aftercare such as aa to remain sober. this is a lifelong process. i've heard every excuse out there as to why people won't go to meetings, and it usually comes down to pride. most folks that try to do this without the help of other recovering alcoholics, will have very shaky,short term sobriety. some people go months even years, but they are usually pretty miserable human beings. if one compared alcoholism to cancer, rehab would be like doing chemo or radiation to arrest the disease, and aa would be like a surgical procedure to remove and destroy the thing making one sick in the first place. not using aftercare (for whatever reason---real or imagined) is like not taking the time to have surgery done because it might cause the sufferer to sacrifice some of their time, pride, comfort, whatever, to do so. i highly recommend that you check out al-anon in your area, as they are the single most effective resource for folks in your position. please advise if you have other questions or concerns and keep posting! take care,  gm

[mammo]

Congratulations on your sobriety!  What you say is so true, as I did so much research due to my ex son-in-law's problem.  You seem very aware of the pitfalls and I feel you'll do just fine.

[ibizan]

heed the wise words of mammo and the boogieman...they r right on...anything i might add would be a repeat of their words!:)

[j34]

You know what to do for you and your son, that gut feeling deep inside listen to it. I  have been going though something like that with an addict using in our bathroom and now on wed he said he didn't want to be with me anymore, Fri said he was moving out and Monday moved after a yr and a half of being together and now he is clean!!. My heart is broken yet I find the strenght to go on and take care of myself, my friend in my support group and meetings of Na and Aa. cause if I don't I will end up loaded. This hurts alot I am sure there is a saying I like which is I thought the world was judging me by my intension's while it was actually judging my actions....Actions speak louder than words. I hope you find the answer deep with in and give your self freedom from active alcoholism that is effecting you and son. Fear is huge I am sure. but you are a survivor and worthy of love and respect. All the best

[ibizan]

how long has he been clean dear?a few days?talk is cheap....LONG TERM behavioral change is the name of the game........i know it hurts but u keep on taking care of urself......and YOU r worthy of love respect and honesty as well!:)

[MGM155]

There's a better life for you and your son.  

I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 4 years; he was my childhood sweetheart.  He wasn't so bad at first, but his drinking escalated to the point that one day while he was at work, with the help of some friends' encouragement, I left that day and haven't looked back.

It wasn't easy, but it was the best decision I've ever made for myself, except for the decision to stop drinking myself.

You can do it, and you'll be happy you did.

[mammo]

I once heard a doctor tell a story about being an intern while his father had been a doctor for a long time. His son had been talking to his dad about making quick and correct decisions with patients. The father told his son, "When in doubt, go with your gut feeling, as this is God telling you what is the right thing to do."

I believe this to be true.

[ibizan]

yes i believe this to be true......look back on when ur gut told u something...ya'll know that tug and that inner voice.....and u talked urself out of it...oh no....not so or i will give so and so the benefit of the doubt......and in hindsight u shoulda listened to that voice...that tug 2 begin with!oh yes i have countless times of this!:)

[soozie1968]

I want you to know that I feel your pain.  I left my husband three months ago, after nearly four years of being together.  What everyone is saying is true.  It is going to take something very significant in his life for him to want to change, and again you cannot do this for him.  I tried and tried with my husband, but in the end I got so tired of being treated like ****.  Every time we had an argument he told me "you're not happy you know where the door is."  And this was very early on in our marriage.  He lost his 21 year old son to substance abuse and even that didn't make him want to change his ways.  He just sought solace in alcohol and began to drank even more.  I have come to learn that alcoholics unfortunately take the path of least resistance, and there is a lot more to kicking alcohol than just stopping drinking.  You have to join AA and have it become a very integral part of your life.  As a child who grew up in an environment with a mother who lived with an alcoholic, if you don't move out and stop subjecting your son to this behavior you will not break the cycle.  I have dated two alcoholics and married an alcoholic, and although that sounds totally absurd when you see it on paper, I think I've suffered from the "wanting to make a difference and save them," mentality, but again they have to want it for themselves.  No matter how much or how hard you try it's not going to work.  I am faced with never seeing my husband ever again, and having to move on with my life.  And I love him, and I feel so guilty at having to leave him, but I have finally come full circle and for the very first time in my life I love "MYSELF" more than I love my husband.  I wish you so much luck and hope that you have the strength to do what is right for you and your son....

[boogieman]

hi all. just wanted to thank everyone for what they share in their posts----your experience, strength and hope are invaluable to others in similar situations. when you come to this site and reach out, you never know who you might actually touch for the better. take care,  gm