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I cant help it
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I cant help it

I cant help wanting to party every other night, or every night for that matter.  I like to drink, I like to smoke, I like to do it all.  It's kind of hard being sober, for I don't sense the real reality until im not sober.  This is how I want to live, but it is wreckless.  I mean, I can take the hits that the alcohol gives me, but I'm losing a sense of reality kind of.  I'm married but I'm trying to hook up with this other girl at the time right now.  See, like i said, Wreckless.
6 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
YES u can help it...if u really wanted recovery...like the rest of us who have it and COMMITTED ourselves 2 it and continue it as a work in progress on a  daily basis!!Hope you don't get an STD from the xtra-marital hook-up...or if u do maybe it could be a part of ur learning curve........but most of all hope u don't give ur wife a STD!
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm sorry that you are so conflicted. I've read all of our journal entries. I don't think that you have any idea what it's like living life on life's terms, without the alcohol. Life is good, marriages flourish, children are brought into this world with two parents that are solid, and not flaky. Marriage's benefit daily from reciprocated love, but just as quickly wither away from the lack of desire from one partner. It sounds like you may be heading towards separations and divorce, depending on how strong you wife is, or is getting.

In my opinion, you do not sound like a man who is , as of yet, able to fully appreciate the sanctity of marriage, and it doesn't sound like this is something that you choose to fully and rightly prioritize as your first imperative.  

I feel very sorry for you and your wife, that you are unable to focus on your marriage.

Perhaps you need to talk to a doctor about your inability to focus your attentions on your marriage, Maybe there is an underlying medical condition, or a part of your upbringing that is sabotaging your marriage. It is my opinion that you get yourself into see a psychiatrist/psychologist (a health team) to help you to focus and delineate what your expectations are for yourself at this time.

You're 31 now, an age where you should expect clarity.  When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. I wish you every peace and happiness. Liz
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Avatar_f_tn
I can relate to what you're saying.  It's like-- I don't even know who I am when I'm sober.  Reality is drunkenness.  I don't remember who I was before alcohol; I don't know what I have to offer anybody, or how to behave.  

But I know I have to stop.  I just hope I/you can before we really damage our health.
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406584_tn?1399591666
I don't know who i was before alcohol/drugs is exactly the question i posed to my shrink.. i have been a addict since i was 16 and before that i dabbled as early as 12.. i was told i had to go back to when i was a kid before drugs before the abuse and get to know the lil girl that i was and to grow her up properly from there.. at first i said to him How in the hell does one do that He said think about it think about the lil girl you were before all the bad.. well i did this and the more i did the more i connected with her the more i found who i was what my joy's were so began the precess of catching her up with a 55 year old women who has had to learn to live without the crutch of drugs.. I'm Grateful for the experience... i was completely clean for over 3 years but now have to use pain meds doled out to me by my husband. Not a lot but a lil as i have 3 plates and 16 screws in my foot that can become overwhelming... i could never imagine my life as a drunken reality no more i did that raising my family and i so regret it.. today i love waking up with no hangover.. my hair my skin all look healthy.. my weight has changed by 95 pounds.. much of it water retention from drink.. mo more do i spend all our money on alcohol no more do i buy cheap beer just to drink the case and look for change for more.. no more do i live in the haze of a whiskey bottle.. i remember my yesterday and i do not regret them..... I prefer reality even when it hurts... i appreciate my sobriety for i can Love again i can Feel Real feelings not trumpeted up ones...... i have tried to drink again a couple of times it ended very badly always.. anger tears feeling bad... it s ucked how depressing it is.. i never knew till i stopped...... If you really want to try to find who you are before all the booze and you are a bit curious to know what it would be like to be the sober one.. it is worth the effort the time and tears for the triumphs the feeling of being full of being grateful is simply put the Best.. i wish you well and i send a prayer that something gets thru and that You too can be the one others look too for You are the sober one.. lesa
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4048462_tn?1349326444
I can relate.  I'm 36/male - and I think if you're posting on this website, it's because you care and seek support.  At least, thats why I'm here and I think it's a safe assumption for most.

For my addictions, they started out as fun.  At the same time though, I wasn't happy with "myself" - things from my past - and things in the present.  I felt as though I was at the mercy of what was happening around me, and I wasn't "honest" with myself - nor did I want to be.  I saw things as I wanted to see them, and I behaved as I choose.  

This was a loosing combination for me - and I never viewed myself as an addict because I didn't have any major problems from my addictions, and I didn't choose to drink because I wanted to "run from my problems" - I drank because I liked to.  

Now - at the same time - I wasn't confronting or realistically viewing the reality of my life or how I was tampering with my future - and that is something which required a lot of strength for me to look at.  As much as I would judge and misconstrue how other people would act - I totally realized that I had to focus more on myself.

The first time I quit, I choose a church-centered addiction meeting - I felt I could grow my time and identify with something other than being an addict.  Also being a musician, it gave me a creative outlet around other musicians where alcohol was not a concern.   In this process, knowing that I was supported by others (all meetings are different - as are the people in them) - and in one way or another, all of my former problems were realigned.  Part of that is from sharing and being motivated to share and speak about my addiction - another part of that was from listening, I think I learn more about myself watching others.  I taught me that I really do have an opportunity whenever I choose to stop, reconsider life, accept my past behaviors - and take off in a new direction that is healthier for myself and the people around me.

My advice is to do what you want - and give yourself an honest listen to how you feel and think about different aspects of your life.  Thrill seeking behavior isn't going to improve anything - except that moment when you're having a good time.  Doing the right thing for yourself, however, will have a positive ripple effect that will last a lifetime.

Best of luck!
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I can relate to what you're saying.  It's like-- I don't even know who I am when I'm sober.  Reality is drunkenness.  I don't remember who I was before alcohol; I don't know what I have to offer anybody, or how to behave.  

But I know I have to stop.  I just hope I/you can before we really damage our health.

Verna Honey, I told you I was clean and sober for 13 + years right?
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