Aa
I need help!
I am 26 years old, a local police officer, and a mother of 2. My mom has been a heavy drinker my whole life. At one point when I was 6 was busted for the sale of Cocaine and Crack. Later when I was about 10 she was busted again for growing Marijuana. She has lost custody of my brother and sisters and at one point myself as well. She has been in and out of rehab centers with an effort to quit drinking (she hasn't used drugs in about 14 years) with no success. Recently (6-8 months ago) she was told she has Hepatitis C and Liver Disease and that her drinking is going to kill her. The doctor told her if she keeps drinking she will live no more then 3 years. She is wanted in 2 different states for jumping bail from DWI arrests and currently cannot hold a job b/c of her physical state from drinking. She looks and smells horrible.
She has been a strain on my life since I moved out at the age of 19. She always needs something, money, gas, rent, food. She consistently called me to investigate why this friend or that friend was arrested and/or pull stings to get her or them out of trouble. She is in a very abusive (drunk) relationship that no matter how hard I try I cannot remove her from because she always runs back. Every single time, without fail, something goes wrong in her life she immediately blames me. She makes me feel guilty because I "wouldn't want my mother to suffer right?!" Well, More recently she has started resenting and denying my daughter (whom is my step-daughter but has been in our lives since she was 1, she's currently 4). For the last month and 1/2 I have not spoken to her or allowed my children to see her and I have cut off all financial help. I have been getting brutalized by my family because after all she IS my mother.... but I feel more like I am HER mother then she is MINE.
At this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep her out of my life because I know she might not have long to live. But on the other hand I can't keep enduring all the emotional, financial and mental strain she places on my husband, my kids, and me. What do I do??? Any Suggestions?!
She has been a strain on my life since I moved out at the age of 19. She always needs something, money, gas, rent, food. She consistently called me to investigate why this friend or that friend was arrested and/or pull stings to get her or them out of trouble. She is in a very abusive (drunk) relationship that no matter how hard I try I cannot remove her from because she always runs back. Every single time, without fail, something goes wrong in her life she immediately blames me. She makes me feel guilty because I "wouldn't want my mother to suffer right?!" Well, More recently she has started resenting and denying my daughter (whom is my step-daughter but has been in our lives since she was 1, she's currently 4). For the last month and 1/2 I have not spoken to her or allowed my children to see her and I have cut off all financial help. I have been getting brutalized by my family because after all she IS my mother.... but I feel more like I am HER mother then she is MINE.
At this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep her out of my life because I know she might not have long to live. But on the other hand I can't keep enduring all the emotional, financial and mental strain she places on my husband, my kids, and me. What do I do??? Any Suggestions?!
i am a police officer and paramedic in minnesota...retired now after 20 yrs of service. i have struggling with a very same story. its killing me.
Dusty,
I just stopped in and looked at the alcohol postings because I knew there would be someone I could help. First, I was in Law Enforcement for many many years and in different aspects of it. The challenges of what mans "created law" was and what my "spiritual morals and values were" were always in conflict. I became a livid alcoholic for the sake of my career because I could not define what was happening to me. It was part of my undoing and almost killed me so I do REALLY understand what had to happen to recover. I ultimately losty my career, because I stood for true justice and what my code of ethics really meant. I was a sworn PEACE officer and my job was to protect and serve and I did. The "force" didn't like me because I would not play by thier made up rules. It devistated me and I drank harder. This is when I almost died.
I also came from a very dysfunctional family, and didn't realize how many issues I had, I hid them under "taking care of others". I have been a member of Alanon and Alcoholics anoymous for over 19 years, and It has taken every one and every bit of me working on myself to be the person I am today. The basic truth for me is, when it HURT bad enough, and dying looked better than living I prayed and God answered my prays for recovery from this hopeless disease. When everyone around me let me be responsible for MY OWN ACTIONS, I had no one else to blame and no where else to turn, and I had to look at me in the mirror. I was taught that I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, your mothers, mine and anyone elses. Take care of yourself and seek out support groups again, let your mother be responsible for her OWN ACTIONS and you may save her life! If you don't you may save your own and all of those around you!! I have had friends who decided to go back out and drink after being in recovey and one night I was the dispatcher on duty when my friend hit a tree drunk, and killed her friend. She survived in a coma for months and was permanently brain damaged and still she goes back out and comes back to recovery. I can only hope that you are not the one in the patrol car that responds and finds that it is your mother who is dead or has killed an innocent child. Let the athorities do thier job, and please quit protecting you mom. I have had to turn in family members who I loved and it was the best thing I could ever do FOR them and myself. Please don't try to make sense of this disease of Alcoholism, it is a strange form of insanity and you can become more ill and destroy yourself faster than the drunk by trying to figure out insanity! My peace be with you, and remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't sure it! Love ya!
I just stopped in and looked at the alcohol postings because I knew there would be someone I could help. First, I was in Law Enforcement for many many years and in different aspects of it. The challenges of what mans "created law" was and what my "spiritual morals and values were" were always in conflict. I became a livid alcoholic for the sake of my career because I could not define what was happening to me. It was part of my undoing and almost killed me so I do REALLY understand what had to happen to recover. I ultimately losty my career, because I stood for true justice and what my code of ethics really meant. I was a sworn PEACE officer and my job was to protect and serve and I did. The "force" didn't like me because I would not play by thier made up rules. It devistated me and I drank harder. This is when I almost died.
I also came from a very dysfunctional family, and didn't realize how many issues I had, I hid them under "taking care of others". I have been a member of Alanon and Alcoholics anoymous for over 19 years, and It has taken every one and every bit of me working on myself to be the person I am today. The basic truth for me is, when it HURT bad enough, and dying looked better than living I prayed and God answered my prays for recovery from this hopeless disease. When everyone around me let me be responsible for MY OWN ACTIONS, I had no one else to blame and no where else to turn, and I had to look at me in the mirror. I was taught that I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, your mothers, mine and anyone elses. Take care of yourself and seek out support groups again, let your mother be responsible for her OWN ACTIONS and you may save her life! If you don't you may save your own and all of those around you!! I have had friends who decided to go back out and drink after being in recovey and one night I was the dispatcher on duty when my friend hit a tree drunk, and killed her friend. She survived in a coma for months and was permanently brain damaged and still she goes back out and comes back to recovery. I can only hope that you are not the one in the patrol car that responds and finds that it is your mother who is dead or has killed an innocent child. Let the athorities do thier job, and please quit protecting you mom. I have had to turn in family members who I loved and it was the best thing I could ever do FOR them and myself. Please don't try to make sense of this disease of Alcoholism, it is a strange form of insanity and you can become more ill and destroy yourself faster than the drunk by trying to figure out insanity! My peace be with you, and remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't sure it! Love ya!
I really wish I had the words that would give you peace and a solution of some kind, but unfortunately I don't. You are absolutely correct that unless one has a parent that is an alcoholic/addict, one cannot fully understand. When I was with my friend, I had the most terribly powerless feeling because all that the support ppl can do is "support" - not take away the pain, not find answers, not make life fair or make the alcoholic stop drinking. And I wanted the pain to stop for my friend more than anything.
Having said all that, these are a couple other suggestions or things that helped my friend:
She worked a lot on acceptance of the reality of the situation, kind of like you were sayign about realising that you will never have a proper mom. This has a lot of grief with it, a lot of loss, and I think to get to the point of acceptance, it is necessary to feel the grief. My friend needed a counsellors help for this process, friends and family, as supportive as they are, are not objective. Is this an option for you, to share your burden with someone, to be able to have one person in your life where you just talk, and take, and don't have to worry about them? counsellors are great for that.
My friend found prayer helped, she is not conventionally religious, but found comfort and relief in spriritual connection.
As for the turning your mom in, boy what a hard one! I won't even presume to offer direct advice - but I will share a couple of thoughts. One is similar to previous person, that perhaps it might help her hit her rock bottom. I don't know what will be the consequences - ie will she have to spend time in jail (in which case it might be a good break from drinking, an enforced sobriety to give her time to think) Or will she be forced to do rehab (also maybe a good thing). I also think it would be so unfair for you to lose your police license or get a black mark on your record because of your natural loyalty and protectiveness to your mother. I suspect you have worked very hard to make yourself and your life into something decent and productive, and what a shame it would be to lose it. Do you have a sympathetic, discreet supervisor at work with whom you could talk, get advice, see if your mom could be looked after should she get arrested?
I am sorry that I have nothing better to say than that. I feel for you, and I am humbled at my own issues and annoyances with my mother, when others such as yourself have such heartbreaking difficulites.
Alex
Having said all that, these are a couple other suggestions or things that helped my friend:
She worked a lot on acceptance of the reality of the situation, kind of like you were sayign about realising that you will never have a proper mom. This has a lot of grief with it, a lot of loss, and I think to get to the point of acceptance, it is necessary to feel the grief. My friend needed a counsellors help for this process, friends and family, as supportive as they are, are not objective. Is this an option for you, to share your burden with someone, to be able to have one person in your life where you just talk, and take, and don't have to worry about them? counsellors are great for that.
My friend found prayer helped, she is not conventionally religious, but found comfort and relief in spriritual connection.
As for the turning your mom in, boy what a hard one! I won't even presume to offer direct advice - but I will share a couple of thoughts. One is similar to previous person, that perhaps it might help her hit her rock bottom. I don't know what will be the consequences - ie will she have to spend time in jail (in which case it might be a good break from drinking, an enforced sobriety to give her time to think) Or will she be forced to do rehab (also maybe a good thing). I also think it would be so unfair for you to lose your police license or get a black mark on your record because of your natural loyalty and protectiveness to your mother. I suspect you have worked very hard to make yourself and your life into something decent and productive, and what a shame it would be to lose it. Do you have a sympathetic, discreet supervisor at work with whom you could talk, get advice, see if your mom could be looked after should she get arrested?
I am sorry that I have nothing better to say than that. I feel for you, and I am humbled at my own issues and annoyances with my mother, when others such as yourself have such heartbreaking difficulites.
Alex
First, I am so sorry for all of this. I hurt with you. My husband is a recovering alcoholic whom I've loved and hated more then any person. I had no idea it was possible to feel such extremes for one individual. He has been sober now for six years but even sobriety has been difficult. The whole getting sober period was miserable. He's had dry drunk spells where he might as well have been drinking. He's spent the last two years feeling sorry for himself. He just went back to AA a couple months ago and he's become a new person. It's amazing. I unfortunately don't expect it to last. The only reason I am still with him is because I have chidren with him. Two were fortunately born after the drinking but still.... I really wish they would open a forum for family members of substance abusers.
Anyway, with regards to your above question. In my personal opinion, you should turn her in. The only reason my husband quit drinking was because I had him arrested for domestic violence. One night he attacked me, I called the police. He ran out of the house. He was arrested for both domestic violence and dui. He was out of the house for 1.5 months and had to do anger management, substance abuse classes and a whole host of other things. It was his personal rock bottom. He wanted his family. Your mother has not hit her rock bottom. And as hard as it is to hear, she may never. You, on the other hand, are only 26 years old. You have a whole life ahead of you. You should not give up a career or future you love for a woman who never did for you. I am sorry if that is hard to hear. You have a husband, a four year old little girl and a job you love. You are 26 years old. You should be loving life. I'm guessing that the department you work for has some type of employee assistance program (counseling services, legal advice, etc...). Individual counseling has helped me more then alanon did. Maybe look into some of that. As far as your brother is concerned, he will get over it. I would imagine that he is hurting too.
Again, I am really sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I really would consider turning her in. Please take care of yourself.
Anyway, with regards to your above question. In my personal opinion, you should turn her in. The only reason my husband quit drinking was because I had him arrested for domestic violence. One night he attacked me, I called the police. He ran out of the house. He was arrested for both domestic violence and dui. He was out of the house for 1.5 months and had to do anger management, substance abuse classes and a whole host of other things. It was his personal rock bottom. He wanted his family. Your mother has not hit her rock bottom. And as hard as it is to hear, she may never. You, on the other hand, are only 26 years old. You have a whole life ahead of you. You should not give up a career or future you love for a woman who never did for you. I am sorry if that is hard to hear. You have a husband, a four year old little girl and a job you love. You are 26 years old. You should be loving life. I'm guessing that the department you work for has some type of employee assistance program (counseling services, legal advice, etc...). Individual counseling has helped me more then alanon did. Maybe look into some of that. As far as your brother is concerned, he will get over it. I would imagine that he is hurting too.
Again, I am really sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I really would consider turning her in. Please take care of yourself.
I was just about in tears with what you wrote. Your friend is me and you are my many friends and (some) family that support me. It is great to have people there who listen the only issue is... No one has been through the struggles and tribulations that I have so, as there compassion is wanted and needed and appreciated, there total understanding is null. I have been to AlAteen and ALAnon just about my whole life and unfortunately I feel like I am trying to fix a problem that I just don't have. I, too, after a while think I will begin the "detached" relationship again. I unfortunately realize that I cannot nor ever will have that mother-daughter relationship that I long for and tried so hard to get. I also hope that one day I can grasp the concept that my mother will never be "fixed" nor will she ever stop drinking. My whole life I have been telling her that if she dies from her drinking that I will not attend her funeral. Now that’s it's closer than ever, I am fearful that my hate towards her will keep me away in the time I should be there more than ever for her. I am so lost, the strain she has put on me has forced me to lean on others, and I feel as if I am a burden to them.
Another issue, I am a sworn police officer. Sworn to uphold the constitution and the laws of the Local, State, Federal and US. My mother is wanted in 2 states, as i said before. Her photo has appeared in our station a number of times from bounty hunters looking to bring her back b/c she jumped bail. The guys and girls I work with know it's my mother (but do to last names the higher ups haven't made the connection yet) but I have lied to them insisting that I do not know her whereabouts. My Captain is concerned that I will be charged with hindering prosecution because if the higher ups find out they might not believe that I don't know where she is. Do I turn her in? Do I continue to play stupid? I am doubtful that I will be arrested, but I am not upholding my oath either (grounds for termination). I have been on the force for 3 years and I love it. I have tried several times to convince her to turn herself in but she refuses!!! Any suggestions on this issue?!?!?!
Another issue, I am a sworn police officer. Sworn to uphold the constitution and the laws of the Local, State, Federal and US. My mother is wanted in 2 states, as i said before. Her photo has appeared in our station a number of times from bounty hunters looking to bring her back b/c she jumped bail. The guys and girls I work with know it's my mother (but do to last names the higher ups haven't made the connection yet) but I have lied to them insisting that I do not know her whereabouts. My Captain is concerned that I will be charged with hindering prosecution because if the higher ups find out they might not believe that I don't know where she is. Do I turn her in? Do I continue to play stupid? I am doubtful that I will be arrested, but I am not upholding my oath either (grounds for termination). I have been on the force for 3 years and I love it. I have tried several times to convince her to turn herself in but she refuses!!! Any suggestions on this issue?!?!?!
I think Alex has said it all, and very beautifully done. AlAnon is just the place to help you begin to "detach with love." I would also suggest a wonderful book that you might find useful -- "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie. It has been so helpful to me through the years, and every time I reread it I see something I hadn't read before. Good luck to you, Dusty. This is the time to treat yourself with all the love and affection that you were never given as a child. Just congratulate yourself on breaking the never-ending chain of abuse that carries down from generation to generation, because you know she had to learn it from somewhere. Give your girl extra hugs & kisses. You can only do what's right for you and your family, and then leave the results up to God. That usually works better than any plan I could come up with ;o).
needsreaders
needsreaders
My heart went out to you reading your situation - its like being caught between the worst rock and hard place, and its a da*ned if you do, da*ned if you don't kind of thing. My closest friend is in the same situation, and I have held her while she has sobbed her eyes out in pain, frustration, resentment, sadness, fear. It is an awful situation.
What she realised, after being totally involved in her mothers life, was that it was not helping her mom any and it was starting to have really bad effects on her, her relationships and her feelings towards her mum. My friend would find herself fighting and abusing and manipulating her mum, being nasty (all this out of the frustration and resentment at mom's behaviour. Being with an alcoholic is crazy-making, YOU become crazy).
Ppl suggested that my friend insit on rehab for her mom but this was not an option as the mom does not believe she has an alcohol problem, massive denial. So my frined came to the very painful decision to stop seeing her mom at all for a while, for 6 months she hardly contacted her - she felt like the worlds worst daughter, did lots of crying, lots of thinking about how having a drunk mother had affected her life as a little girl, saw a counsellor to get support through this, and started attending Al Anon meetings (they are an off shoot of AA, for loved ones of alcoholics, and they are marvellous because you can talk with other ppl in the same boat, and share your feelings, and get advice).
After the 6 months she resumed contact, carefully and in a bit of a detached manner, seeing her mother firstly as a suffereing alcoholic, and secondly as her mother - this lets her have bit of compassion and stops that inner rage and frustration so much. She has strict boundaries in place, only calls her in the morning before drinking starts, and if she is durnk when they meet up, she goes away. Her mom is also not long to live, and this was teh only way my friend could get to a point of spending time with mom, without getting destroyed by the behaviours of alcoholism.
You have been through so much in your life as a result of being the child of an alcoholic - what you have written is the tip of the iceberg I suspect. I wish for you that you start caring for yourself and your child now, and with love (and grief) let go of trying to save your mum. But oh how hard that is, I almost don't dare write that because its so easy said, but to let go of a mother, why that feels like the worst betrayal ever.
i wish you all the best
Alex
What she realised, after being totally involved in her mothers life, was that it was not helping her mom any and it was starting to have really bad effects on her, her relationships and her feelings towards her mum. My friend would find herself fighting and abusing and manipulating her mum, being nasty (all this out of the frustration and resentment at mom's behaviour. Being with an alcoholic is crazy-making, YOU become crazy).
Ppl suggested that my friend insit on rehab for her mom but this was not an option as the mom does not believe she has an alcohol problem, massive denial. So my frined came to the very painful decision to stop seeing her mom at all for a while, for 6 months she hardly contacted her - she felt like the worlds worst daughter, did lots of crying, lots of thinking about how having a drunk mother had affected her life as a little girl, saw a counsellor to get support through this, and started attending Al Anon meetings (they are an off shoot of AA, for loved ones of alcoholics, and they are marvellous because you can talk with other ppl in the same boat, and share your feelings, and get advice).
After the 6 months she resumed contact, carefully and in a bit of a detached manner, seeing her mother firstly as a suffereing alcoholic, and secondly as her mother - this lets her have bit of compassion and stops that inner rage and frustration so much. She has strict boundaries in place, only calls her in the morning before drinking starts, and if she is durnk when they meet up, she goes away. Her mom is also not long to live, and this was teh only way my friend could get to a point of spending time with mom, without getting destroyed by the behaviours of alcoholism.
You have been through so much in your life as a result of being the child of an alcoholic - what you have written is the tip of the iceberg I suspect. I wish for you that you start caring for yourself and your child now, and with love (and grief) let go of trying to save your mum. But oh how hard that is, I almost don't dare write that because its so easy said, but to let go of a mother, why that feels like the worst betrayal ever.
i wish you all the best
Alex
I wish that would happen! But as you said it doesn't seem likely. As far as my brother and family goes I am almost certain thats what they think. Many times I have seen them ignore her calls and make the comment "mom's calling again. wonder whats wrong this time." Oh well I was just hoping there was some one out there who has had this happen or something similiar who could help me help her i guess....
Yep. And now, not only is she doing all the stuff she's always done, she's probably also whining about you to them and they wish you'd please just for cryin' out loud take that burden off them.
I wish you well with this - best outcome would be if she somehow were to seek help for her problem, but that doesn't sound likely.
I wish you well with this - best outcome would be if she somehow were to seek help for her problem, but that doesn't sound likely.
you were doing everything for her and now it's them? And they're mad and they want you to go back to being the one who has to take all the ****? <------ You hit the nail right on the head!!!! (even tho they will not admit it, but they never did any of things before and now it's all on more specifically my brothers shoulders)
Dusty, this is SO HARD!
Why is your family brutaizing you - by that I guess you mean your siblings - is it because up to now you were doing everything for her and now it's them? And they're mad and they want you to go back to being the one who has to take all the ****?
I think you're doing the right thing, especially if she is being abusive to your child. Maybe you could call her once every couple weeks, send her birthday cards, etc., but I don't think you should be giving her any more money or running around trying to fix the problems she keeps creating for herself.
Best wishes. It just seems like this would be very draining and sad.
Why is your family brutaizing you - by that I guess you mean your siblings - is it because up to now you were doing everything for her and now it's them? And they're mad and they want you to go back to being the one who has to take all the ****?
I think you're doing the right thing, especially if she is being abusive to your child. Maybe you could call her once every couple weeks, send her birthday cards, etc., but I don't think you should be giving her any more money or running around trying to fix the problems she keeps creating for herself.
Best wishes. It just seems like this would be very draining and sad.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Alcoholism Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
