I'm so past fed up with my husband

[babypooh]

Here's an update: one week ago today (last monday 23rd) my husband drank again and made huge drama here at home.  He didn't want to talk about anything once he sobered up and was acting very defensive.  He told our son that he was leaving because I didn't want him here and he wasn't coming back.  Naturally, my son started crying his eyes out screaming for him not to leave.  My mom heard and asked if I was kicking my husband out of the house.  I told her that he kicked himself out because he got defensive and said that I didn't want him here so he'd leave.  I was very upset that he told my son that and made him cry.  He left and we talked the next day.  He was supposedly going to get help.  Today, one week later, I took the initiative even though we're separated to call the doctor and make him a same day appointment.  He went and called me telling me they stole his car and I went to pick him up.  He was drunk.  The police made a report and didn't even notice he'd been drinking.  I was so mad that he went to see the doctor in that condition.  He didn't even see the doctor.  i don't know what he did that he went in, then for whatever reason, went back out and noticed his car gone.  He's so lucky that they didn't notice he'd been drinking. I drove him here to my house (not his mom's house where he's staying ) because I didn't want to take him all the way over there.  He started more drama over here and even started fighting verbally with some guys that walked by, all infront of my son and nephew.  I don't understand how he cannot be ready to change even after knowing that he's going to lose his family for good. I feel that I've done everything I could already.  I don't know what else I can do or say. I love my husband. I do.  But I can't have him here with my son.  My son suffers without him. But I can't hang around and wait for him to do something worse.  He needs help and I can't give it to  him.  My support isn't enough; I need his cooperation. My only consolations right now are my son and this new laptop I bought this weekend for a project I'm working on that hopefully will work out. It's based on my son and I'm excited about it. I need to concentrate on these two in order to not go crazy...Am I doing the right thing to keep him away?  If he seems to have a wake up call tomorrow when he sobers up and realizes his car was stolen, should I see hope in that and allow him to come back?
I know I sound dumb, but any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

[hazelangel]

You do not sound dumb! I feel your frustration and helplessness believe me. My husband relapsed after 4.3 years in prison for a DUI accident. If your husband does not feel their is a problem he won't get help.  Alcoholism is a horrible disease and ultimatiums don't work! You must do what you need to do for you and your son. Tell your husband you do not want your son to see him in that condition. I have known my husband for 19 years and other than his time in prison he has been battling with his disease. I use to ask myself the same thing, "how can he continue to drink knowing that I will not live like this? That he is willing to risk loosing his family over this?" Your husbands defensivness is part of the disease. They feel ashamed of their behavior which only makes them drink more to numb the pain of their feelings of failure and low self worth. My husband says the same thing to me about leaving cause I don't want him here any way. I get accused of being unfaithful, of using drugs, etc. It is very hard to deal with someone like that. This may be hard to believe but your husband needs you now more than ever. You can still be there for him with out letting him back in the house. He needs to prove his sobriety and not just for a day. Alcoholics are very selfish people. They lie and manipulate and will say hurtful things to make you feel less than human. I can almost guarantee that the man you see now is not your husband. The only thing i can tell you is to do research on alcoholism like I have done to get a better understanding of waht your husband is going through. They also have Al-Anon groups for spouces of alcoholics it may help you to attend one to see if you like it and see if it will help you learn how to deal with it better. Good luck to you and your family!

[nyychic]

Thanks iz I appreciate the validation!!!  I have been there and I'm one lucky chic that it worked in my favor I'm aware of that!

Babypooh,
Please don't take this the wrong way it's not judgemental it's what it is because I felt the same feelings until someone set me straight with the facts.  Your son isn't "suffering" now what he will later if you allow his father to continue to act this way with him.  Your son is so young that it will be fairly easy for him to "get over" the split (if it's perm.  My husband quit that day that I left some people it takes a little bit longer but he'd already given up the drug he was addicted to and I didn't even know that one!!  and it was the alcohol to lose)  Your son will suffer a much worse fate if your husband doesn't give up the booze.  To tell your son that mommy is throwing him out?  To cause that horrible scene.  That's an alcoholics way of guilting you into not leaving.  Don't make appointments for him if he wants to change he will make the appointment.  Sometimes it's hard because it's so emotional when you see/talk to him.  My advise is to write down everything that is important to cover with him.  In bullet formation so that the main ideas are at least touched upon.  For example, you must set firm boundaries that he isn't allowed to discuss his not living in the house with the child other than to say a few phrases that you and he can decide on, like daddy and mommy still love you and we love each other sometimes grown ups need to take a little time to work things out.  One thing that I would demand if from him if you are going to work things out he must attend AA with you once a week.  The point of you going is to make surre that he's there and hear what he says.  Maybe hearing other stories will help him.  It did my husband.  I know that AA should be voluntary as far as some people are concerned but my hubby was court ordered and it eventually helped him.  I also think that the AA will help you and you can go to Alanon as well if you want to.  I suggest that you seek counseling if you haven't yet.  I know that it's hard with family I had visitors due the week we split up I understand that part too!  But you can't allow that to determine your entire future ya know?  Also, I had family who didn't believe that my husband was an alcoholic because I didn't tell them all of my horror stories because I was humiliated by them.  So a few weeks after my husband stopped drinking and we were back together we were out of town for a family party, my brothers 30th b-day I think.  My sister, if she offered my husband 1 beer she offered him 150 times.  Until my mother (who knew enough to know he was an alcoholic) told her that if she asked him again that she would take her out.  I've been through the family stuff and I have enough to write a book on it!!  You have to choose the path for you.  Allowing him to continue on this path is now enabling him.  It's wonderful that you have put your foot down I pray that he will in return do the things that you need for him to be that good husband and father that you fell in love with I'm sure.  Just make him take the steps and try to get him into an AA group that may help the first 6 mos of AA my husband still drank until I left him and he broke down that night at his AA meeting and told them all that he'd been lying to them and drinking all along.  Sometimes it just takes a breaking point ya know?

[Jikan]

Namaste,

It doesn't sound as if your husband is reaady or willing to give up his drinking. I don't know what stage of his drinking he is in, but it doesn't appear he has hit "rock bottom".
You'll never be able to change him, until he is ready to change himself.

Legally, I don't think you can keep him from seeing his son, unless the court has become involved. If he shows up drunk and wants to see his son, I would deny him the privilege and as stated set down guidelines for him to see his son (i.e. sober). This may turn into a major argument, but it's something that seems to be needed.

I don't know how old your son is, but have you thought of going to Al-Anon/Alateen. They are a great support network for families deal with alcoholic relatives.You can find Al-Anon meetings at:
www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.org.

I wish you success in dealing with what, unforrtunately, a very common issue.

Michael

[ibizan]

nychic-u go girl......great advice and i agree with u 150%!and babypooh heed ny's advice..she's been there it is right on and do not let him back in the house...u have come this far....continue to set limits......for ur child and urself!

[babypooh]

Thank you.  I know you're right.  But it will be very hard to do. Not only because I still love him and because my son will suffer, but also because I don't want to deal with answering questions; I have family coming to visit from Mexico next weekend. The family will be getting together very often for the next couple of weeks. It will be hard to get through eveverything. I had even thought about asking him to live here only until after they leave, but I know that that would only let him stay because then my anger will die down a little...pointless, it would be pointless...

[nyychic]

I've been in your shoes honey and look I'm going to say this as nice as I can.  BACK OFF.  Don't allow him around you or your son drunk.  Be nice as pie and tell him you will not discuss anything with him other than your son, and only if he is sober.  Leave it be.  Dont' feel bad (at least don't let him see that you feel bad) about his car or about him not being there.  Tell him that he can see your son any time that he wants to only one condition.  He must be sober, remain sober throughout the entire visit and it must be in your presence as he has broken your trust too many times for you to allow him to visit without your presence.  Leave it like this for several days (it will be very hard) and see how he does.  Is he drinking or sobering up.  Just watch his behavior.  See how things go and let him realize that he doesn't want to lose you.  You do this by ignoring his pleas in a way.  You keep it about the child for a while until you are ready to discuss your relationship and make sure he is aware that this is all about his drinking.  It's so hard because it sounds so "well thought out" or manipulative but when dealing with alcoholism you aren't dealing with the person but the disease and you must outsmart the disease.  Good luck and keep us posted.