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Looking for Help

   Since a very young child I've had issues with public phobia, anxiety, stress, and rage. I'm 34 and had found the answer to my lifes problems through alcohol. I never binge drank. Never affected my working habits negatively. For about the past 10 years now at the end of a long day (which seemed everyday) I would drink about a fifth or more of the hard stuff to come down. I am not a mean drunk, actually its the only time I care about people, myself, our future, and it frees me up to think positively instead of neg. thoughts. I also experience depression when I'm sober. I am now on Home Confinement (for reasons I don't care to mention) and have been caught drinking from drop-ins by the officer twice. I will now be spending the remainder of my sentence at the grey bar motel, 2.5 months.
     My pysc. doc. says I'm Bi-polar with homicidal tendencies. For this I take almost a gram, yes a gram, of seroquel everyday. I hate this drug because it makes me feel really dopped up all day, but the big dose at night does over-ride my brain from thinking about everything I can't control and allows me to sleep.
     I have committed my life to not getting married or having children due to my behaviors. I really want to stop drinking and now will have to do so. For some reason I don't get DT's or other negative affects for the most part when I'm sober. The first 2-3 days are fine then I begin to loose track, become violent, racing thoughts, lots of dislikes everywhere, and fall into deep depression. I cannot stay focoused. Its almost like alcohol truely is the seditive for me. I know from a long line of family history however, physically, that I don't want to continue drinking the way I do. Also for some reason society doesn't want it either, even though its legal, and even though we are all safer.
     I am currently taking 6 camprals a day (for 2 months) but have no clue if they do anything at all. The only time in life that I was able to manage sobriety is when I was 100% focused on powerlifting and dieting. Anyway the absolute worst thing that can happen to me right now is exactly what is going on.

1. no more drinking
2. listen to authority
3. you must be caged in your house
4. you will not go to the gym
5. you'll soon be locked up and taken off your meds

     Society sure has strange ways of dealing with people. The future doesn't look too bright. Anyone have suggestions?
7 Responses
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547573 tn?1234655710
I spent most of my life using alcohol and was fortunate to stay out of most trouble, until the very end(April 2001). Prior to that I drank daily to relieve my stress and anxiety, which it seemed to help.  I was hospitalized several times for alcoholism and when I got out I went right back to drinking. Only after I was hospitalized in April 2001 and spent 6 months there, did I come to realize that I had been self-medicating myself all those years and what my real problem was was a series of mental disorders to include bipolar I, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and PTSD.  Since then I haven't had a drink, although at times I did have the urge. Those urges most often occured when I didn't think my other medications.  I have an addictive personality so even with medications I have to be aware of maintaining a strict regimen with my medications. I know it's difficult to have hope when so many things around us seem to be bad, but given time, the right treatment and a positive attitude your life can be turned around. I hope you the best in your future endeavors and I'm confident that you can get back a feeling of success and positive self esteem. Good Luck!

Michael
Helpful - 0
455167 tn?1259257871
hi. just read the preceding posts-what caught my attention was the first two sentences in your original post. you just told my story in those lines. the booze took away all those problems for me, and i fell in love with it. this went on from age 12 until 9 months ago with some few and far between periods of  being sober. last summer i went thru yet another rehab, 6 hospital admissions, involuntary commitment to a psych ward, and for the first time understood what the doctors were saying when they told me i would die if i continued to drink. i can't tell you what to do, but i can relate what has been helpful for me. i too was on a heavy dose of seroquel and a couple other meds to curb my anxiety and psychotic symptoms, i didn't like it, but i like things such as valium and xanax as much as alcohol so those were ruled out.  i'm now also on campral, effexor, risperdal, and trazodone.

but meds aren't the solution to my problems, only the symptoms.

turns out many of us aren't supposed to feel the way we do, but the causes are much deeper. don't get me wrong, the meds are beneficial. but they do the same thing that flu medications do, attack the symptoms until the root cause can be mitigated. at least for myself and many others i know who've had similar experiences.

the most important thing i've found to be crucial in my recovery has been trying to have an open mind to change and the ability to discard (temporarily at least) my preconceived ideas of the mechanisms of life. some of the resources i use are 1 on 1 therapy, sites like this, and aa. there is something cathartic about dealing with adversity in the company of others with similar problems.

these things take time, but i've experienced firsthand how these resources have helped in temporal things such as legal and financial issues as well as life enhancing changes in perception. give yourself a break and reach out. the help is out there. best of luck, gm
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
whats a scram bracelet? I already have a bracelet on my ankle for home confinement. I'm in WV. I'm going to do my best to quit. Problem is I guess I don't want to bad enough or haven't hit bottom, feels like it though. I have a bach. degree in Bus. Man. from a university. Last year I reported 178k to the irs on my construction business. The judge said I have to work for someone else for home confinement. Now I have sold my vehicles, lost my business (but not the debt), lost my girlfriend cause who wants to not go out for 6 mos., work a crappy job, I'm telling you I'm about to bust. I really don't feel that I deserve all this from drinking. I wasn't even high went I was pulled over for a burnt out headlight, .100 which as you know isn't much for someone who drinks a 1/5 almost everyday. I was in the wrong town at the wrong time. Anyway I wish they would do everyone a favour and just quit selling the stuff. If nothing else especially in every restaurant! You know why people drink. Ok I'm starting to feel a little better after venting. Sorry I sound like a nut, well I really am getting there. I have to set alone about 3-4 days a week with 3 tv channels and absolutely no-one to talk to. I was always out doing something before this, only time I was home was to drink or sleep. I just pray I can get through this without making it much much worse than it is. When I'm done I think I'll have a couple burittos in Mexico!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Thanks for letting me vent
Helpful - 0
380309 tn?1246467740
I know all to well how you feel about the legal system, especially jail. Unfortunately what they claim as rehabilitation is a far cry from what most people really need. When people do things like that dude did that just reinforces their belief that all offenders are losers. Not the case at all. I myself am also on house arrest and am fighting my own battles w/the system. If U read my posts u'll get some idea of what I'm tlking about. Your first step of reaching out to this site is a great one and I believe will help you a lot. It's like having ur own personal AA meeting. You need to rise above the **** you've been dealt and try to make the best 4 urself out of a bad situation. It can be done. Take the initiative just like you did by getting on here, and research into a solution that U know will wk 4 U. Care about yourself and contact your PO, lawyer, social worker whatever and express to them your desire to seek a better treatment for yourself as an alternative to jail. You've got to be the 1 to do it cuz from my experience you are just a # and $ figure, they don't really care or want to deal with anyone any more than they have to. Make yourself heard and put the ball in their court so to speak. Help is available but they won't let U in on it if you don't speak-Shout up about it. You don't say where you are from or much about yourself, I'm curious as to what State U R in. Whatever U do...DON'T let them put one of these scram bracelet on you!!!! Keep me posted. (P.S. #1 first step and U may not want to hear it But= you need to stop drinking for urself and in order to be taken seriously OK?)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks however for your reply, I'll look into that
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not sure, seems like I always been getting a raw deal for about 2 years now. Jail is hard for me to get out of because its full of very ignorant people which I don't care for. Last time I was in a dude got our tv privlages taken away for snorting sugar off the table, little things like that I have a hard time with. I've gotten much worse since my so-called "rehabilitation" through the system, just wish they'd get off my back about alcohol. To this day I've never hurt anyone but myself drinking and everything thats going on right now is cause they say no more legal drinking. This all started with a burnt headlight, which led to lies on their side from a young punk officer, which led to a driving on suspended, "sober" because my girlfriend at the time couldn't handle a manual shift over a long mountain.................blah blah, anyway
Helpful - 0
380309 tn?1246467740
I take it from your post that u r facing another round of jail time. I don't think that wll help U..Is there any way that you can perhaps be sentenced to a  treatment program in a facility near you? One that your judge or attorney or whomever can reccomend and they approve of. That would be a much better enviroment for you considering all your feelings and your dependencies. In-patient programs can do a world of good for someone in your situation. Goodluck & Godbless.
Helpful - 0
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