Maybe Drinking will End???? maybe

Well, this the thing.  I drank heavily last night, and i have been drinking for the past couple months, as much as i did when i was like 21.  Im 29 now.  I guess its because im working so hard now.  It just makes me feel tough, but i know thats a stupid answer.  But last night I had an epiphany.
See, for bout 8,9 years now ive had anxiety depression schizo-related things.  Ive been in the psych ward twice.  I also fell 7 stories and survived.  My car was missing the night of my accident, so to this day i still dont know what happened.  I blacked out that night.  But you'd think that after that, i would learn my lesson, n stop drinking.  Well, No.  I drank more afterwards when i began playing in a band and moved to Arizona.  Now Im back in Jersey, been here for the past 5 years, and still been going as strong as i can basically like chicken with his head cut off.  
But this is where the epiphany came in:
When I was little my sister used to scream constantly at my family and me.  My parents spoiled us, especially me, (being the baby) and back then i rolled with the punches and the screams.  I loved My Childhood though, because i had the best parents in the world.  Just a very bitter angry sister, who was mad because of marriage that went wrong.  So i think when i got outta high school, it kinda hit me late.  It made me kinda sad, but i didnt realize it was from her.  I didnt know what it was.  I started to drink alot n do drugs, because basically it was the rock star way.
After my accident though she was very sweet to me, but that ended all too quick.  When i got home from the hospital, she was still being disrespectful, yelling and fighting with her boyfriend.  This went on and on again.   And then when i started in a band, she got extremely jealous.  She hated me dearly, even after my accident, and screamed out to the whole neigborhood, I HATE U.  And the one who brought me back to Jersey, was my angel of a wife, who I loved, and I broke up with my band for love, but i started to resent her I think, for bringing me back.  
So does this make sense?  Is this why i drink alot and have anger for my wife sometimes?

[narla]

I think you could be using these reasons as an excuse to drink,our brains work in mysterious ways and if we really want we could find anything to blame for our drinking.

I was sexually abused as a child,that was one of my excuses,I used to drink because I was stressed,upset,happy,my team won,my team lost,it's my birthday,anniversary,my mind allowed me to have all the reasons in the world to drink.

It's only when we realise these are not reasons but poor excuses to drink will we be able to have a sober life and stop blaming everyone and everything else for our addictions.

Addicts often DENY,BLAME,JUSTIFY


Good Luck and keep posting

Denise

[ibizan]

It would be so wise of u to get a grip on the alcohol thing while u r young and u r.....ur sister is ur sister and nothing will change her unless she sees her flaws and desires to change herself!I love Todd Rundgrens words to a 1972 song...when i was a child i thought as a child i spoke as a child i didn't know better...now i'm a man i think as a man i speak as a man and i do know better....gotta get myself together and be a real man...applies to us women as well!If you have a good loving wife please try to keep that.....i think that only comes around once in this life.......a good supporting love!I used to drink/drug conflicting emotions and angry thoughts at who and what i couldn't change from age 14-28......and i had a awakening at age 28 and STOPPED it all......today there are lifes problems and challenges and difficult ppl i cannot change......and the abscence of alcohol and drugs allows me to cope much better in a clear headed focused manner.....and it IS a better path!

[Punkinhead75]

Hi fella,

Nice  to meet another jersey boy.  I used to drink cuz I liked drinking.  It used to be fun and enjoyed hanging out with others that drank.  Made me feel normal.   Then eventually things changed and I drank to cover the anger I had toward my wife and then the world in general.  It was no longer fun and I was still doing it.  Looking back now it doesn't seem to make any sense.  Why do something I don't enjoy?  Crazy!!!!  Anyway, it doesn't really matter why we drink,  the question for me was what's it gonna take to get me stop?  When I was in my twenties I might have been able to choose to stop but the consequences weren't great enough to make me want to. At age 31 I wanted to stop and found out I couldn't.  Life got kinda rough for awhile until eventually with the help of some friends I stopped.  It had to get pretty bad though. No job,  split with wife, no money,  a physical mess and drinking round the clock.  Sound like a fun way to live?  I wish I knew at 29 what I know about alcohol now.  I really apprecaite what you had to say.  It really brought back some memories.  Today I am grateful for the life I have.  Hope to hear from you again!!!!!

[Tab57]

Some great posts above. I grew up in a household dominated by addiction so I knew that is something that I wanted to avoid. This experience helped me steer clear of reliance on addictive substances. I had some bad experiences with hard liquor while in college but I can't tell you the last time I consumed any hard liquor.

An addict blames everyone else for their problems and has to decide on their own to quit. I hope you can quit for good. Just remember each day is a new day and the battle begins again.

Please keep on posting and best of luck to you with your recovery efforts.

[ibizan]

nice post!oh so true if we only knew back then what we know now...guess thats how hindsight got its name....we learned our lessons falling on our hineys!But we go through what we do to get to where we are now....we take off our blinders and see ourselves and life as IT really is and not how we would like it to be!ah yes the Blame Game....silly childish waste of energy.....as Todd sang we get ourselves 2gether and be real men.....and real women!:)