Mind Games Again-When will it stop

I'm in the process of convincing myself after not drinking for so long that I will now be abe to control my drinking,why do these thoughts persists?
My logical brain knows this isn't an option,
But I so feel the need of alcohol going down my throat,right now,
So I am on here and trying to get my thoughts back where they should be.
It's the old war of words in my head right now,
I'll get my guard up and back in place and fight this demon with everything I have.
It just shows we can be vulnerable no matter how much clean time we have,

I'm glad this has never happened when alcohol has been close at hand.

[rod44]

Glad to hear you are OK.

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too

Helen Steiner Rice

We are all just one drink away from being a drunk again......

[KEP0523]

YOUR DOING GREAT :) I know venting helps alot!!! Keep it up....i am going to remeber your attitude towards being clean and use it :)

[narla]

I'm glad if what I wrote has helped,it just shows we always have to be ready for anything.

[Punkinhead75]

I know it's funny but I couldn't help but laugh a little.  I often hear a similar question" Why do we think the way we do?"  We find ourselves looking for some complex answer with a solution that will take it all away when the answer is very simple.  

I'm an alcoholic.  

I find that when my head is filled with the stinkin thinkin saying that out loud helps quite a bit.  I need to once again admit to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic and then say a little prayer and ask for help to stay sober today.  Then I try and find someone that I can help.

You have lots of great advice to share and it is always a pleasure to read your posts.  You have come a long way and have made great progress in your recovery.  Keep up the Good work and thanks for sharing with us today.  God Bless!!

[ibizan]

Close ur eyes......and picture me w/ a giant needle.......stealthily approaching u from behind....and i POKE that giant brainfart bubble u r having..and POP!hear that loud noise?ur delusional thought processes have burst and now gently kick urself in the arse.....faghedabout it...and get moving doing something else!:)u can have just one drink like i can only eat one small serving of the best fettucine alfredo w/chargrilled giant shrimp!

[narla]

LOL well I'm laughing now so it's not all bad,I have a sore butt though,I think I kicked too hard.

One day it will sink in 100% that sobriety for me has to be forever.

It just stinks when that little demon is sitting right on your shoulder waiting for you to fail.

[rpooo]

Narla, I dont want to here this kind thinking from you again! It makes my head hurt! ha ha Tomorrow is my one year anniversary, and that could've blown the whole thing. From now on if you drink, I drink! You know I don't need to be drinking! Okay now i'm going to go get a glass of ice cold lemonade and I hope this kinda of thinking I never have to hear from you again! Your a great lady Narla! Good Job not giving in! It's taken enough years from all of us and Its still trying to take more! Pisses me off!
Randy

[dominosarah]

Now close your eyes Narla as my needle is even bigger than ibizan's!!  No keep your eyes open so you can see me coming after you.

What brought this on?  What would you tell me if i had posted this?  Get out of your head girl and really think about what would happen if you picked up again....I see nothing but sadness and death.  What do you see?  Knock that little bastardo off your shoulder, he isnt a very good influence on you......

I am really pleased that you posted this and were honest about how you were feeling.  You have come so far and done a terrific job so keep it going.          hugs         sara

[ibizan]

Ahhhhh noooooooooooooooooo!sobriety is not a 4 ever thing...it is a daily thing!and if that 24 hrs is 2 big.....then the one hour at a time!

[narla]

Thanks guys,this is why I posted,sometimes you just need to be reminded,but all is good and I'm back on track.spent 2 hours at the gym much better than 2 hours thinking about drinking.
I think I might go see my counsellor again,just to keep my head in the right place.

[narla]

Thanks for the support and wise words,
I know I can't listen to the mongrel on my shoulder,and one day I'll be rid of him for good.

For now my health is so important to me and my family,I'm watching my brother-in-law slowly dying from emphasyma and cirrhosis,how could I even contemplate alcohol at this time.I need to wake up and grow up.

[rpooo]

I am sorry to hear about your bro-in-law. That sure must be really tough, especially for your sister. It must really mean a whole lot to her that you have gotten your life straitened out. We all appreciate the great help and support you offer to the forum. I have no doubts that many people you have helped admire your strength. Thanks for always being strong and a terrific role model. You are an inspiration! :)
Randy

[rod44]

Remember that we deal with alcohol, Cunning,Baffling,Powerful.

Thanks for your honesty in sharing this, we are all just one drink away from disaster.

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling Narla??

[narla]

Feeling guilty,
Still alcohol free,
took some codeine just for the buzz,i wasn't in any pain,why did I do this?
took too many and luckily vomitting in my sleep woke me up,felt terrible,thought I was going to die.

[rpooo]

Narla, I'm sorry to hear you resorted to the pills, but a moments weakness doesn't change the good person I know you are. I'm concerned why you took so many. How much did you take? Narla just remember nobody is perfect! Take good care of yourself!
Randy

[narla]

-I'm ok,I just feel like a failure
My husband doesn't know,he thought I was so strong,but obviously I'm not
I'll get myself back on track.
I feel really stupid right now

[dominosarah]

Relapse happens long before we pick up my friend.  What lead up to this?  Are you still going to your therapist?  Working out?  This is why it is so important to keep your guard up.  You only fail when you quite trying so get that failure thing out of your head.  What are you going to do now?  Are you done taking those pills?  They will be your death sentence and you know that.  There is no happy ending with them.  Now get your head out of your arse and lets get you back on track.  Deal??

You are my friend Denise and i care about you.  Sending you strength and a big hug~~sara

[ibizan]

Why did u do that?Cuz u musta been in a high state of emotional disturbance and u did not slow that brain down to THINK rationally that pills were a wrong move, u were wanting to quell the brain......lucky u didn't choke on the vomit and die....Jimi Hendrix died that way!

[narla]

I've got rid of the pills,they are just so easy to get here it makes it so hard,I can walk in to a chemist and get them over the counter,no script is needed.40 pills for $10.I took 80 in 3 days.Like I said I'm an idiot.
I don't know why and that is what makes it hard to fix,I know something must have been a trigger but I can't work out what it was.
I did miss 2 days at the gym last week which is the first time in 2 years.

I will go back and see my counsellor,I just feel really down on myself right now.I haven't told anyone here what I have done.

To ibizan,being sick while I was asleep really did scare me,I know many famous people have died this way,I really think it was a wake up call.

[narla]

My head is out of my arse,it has been a real wake up call,I will never relax and think I'm over addictions again.

I think because I had to take them for the sciatica earlier this year and never abused them I thought I could control them now,stupid me.

[dominosarah]

When you had sciatica you were in a controlled setting at that time as you werent in control of the pills.  

You are not stupid my dear, you are an addict.  What's done is done now and now you move forward.  Dont spend alot of negative energy beating yourself up.  You got rid of the pills so that is a good thing.  Be honest with your therapist and have a heart to heart with your husband.  You know our secrets keep us sick.

We are all behind you here cheering you on.  Keep talking with us.    hugs     sara

[narla]

I don't have any more codeine,I got rid of it all,
I still don't know why I did it,
What was I thinking?
Clean days - Alcohol 577 days
                    Codeine 1 day

[dominosarah]

The addict part of you was doing the thinking.  I really think you wanted to test the waters and see if this was really real or not.  You had yourself convinced that you could "control" your useage.

Congrats on your clean time with both of them!!!  Be proud of yourself narla....You are back on track.  You never fail as long as you keep trying.  I know you are feeling rotten right now emotionally, i can feel it in your posts.  sara

[narla]

Well I guess I now know my addiction is real,
I am angry at myself for being so stupid,I've cried my tears and yes I am now back on track,why did I have to test myself?

Stupid stupid,stupid

If I get anything out of this,it is that I should never put temptation in my way.
And know 100% that I am an addict.;

[dominosarah]

Why did you test yourself?  Cuz that's what addicts do.  We still have that drive in us to control things.  We hate to give that up but when we do real healing begins.  Remember we are powerless when it comes to any type of substance.  I have learned to quit fighting my addiction, i respect it and always keep my guard up.

Now quit saying the word stupid.  You are far from that.  Sit down, get out a pen and paper.  Write down all you have to be grateful for.  Leave it somewhere where you can see it.  I also wrote a goodbye letter to the pills.  I couldnt believe how much that helped me.

I was on a continous  relapse for many MANY years so i understand your anger.  Dont let your anger get in your way of continuing your recovery.  You cant go back and change anything, whats done is done.   All you can do is make sure it doesnt happen again and take it one day at a time.  

I wish i was there with you.  We could sit down and eat mango's and have coffee.

Just for today we are clean and grateful~~sara

[narla]

I'm feeling a lot better today
Day 2 clean of codeine,I am grateful that my relapse didn't last any longer than 3 days!

Mangoes and coffee sounds great.

[dominosarah]

narla.......where are you?

[narla]

I'm still here,haven't touched anything,
I'm back on track,I'm glad it was only a 3 day relapse
I feel good and I'm moving on.

[ibizan]

Welcome here young man!it took many of us years to stop the alcohol/drug use.....and after we did we said there that wasn't so hard after all the hell we put ourselves thru.....THEN we find out that its the staying stopped  that is the hardest part!

[rod44]

Glad to hear you are OK.

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too

Helen Steiner Rice

We are all just one drink away from being a drunk again......

[dominosarah]

That was perfect~~

Hope all is well in your world.      sara

[narla]

Helen Steiner Rice has been my favourite poet since I was in my teens,this was great just what I needed.

Thanks Ray

Big Hugs Denise

[rod44]

Sara, I am sober tonight so all is well in my world :) staying sober is the single most important thing in my life and is something I can never take for granted, it comes before everything & everyone.

Narla, I find Helen Steiner Rice inspirational both her life and her poetry. When I was in treatment I remember one particular day when I was very down, confused & full of anger, I wanted to give up on myself, one of my peers quoted this verse to me and it had an impact.
  

[rpooo]

Narla, was the reason you didn't drink because you didn't want me to have to? Thats so nice! Now if only I would've said that about the pills to huh? Welcome Back!
Randy

[narla]

LOL,No it's just that I know I love the taste of alcohol and wouldn't stop once I got that taste,
I thought with the pills there is no taste and I'd be ok,shows how much I know,the weird thing is I don't know why after over 18 months I decided I needed to feel a buzz again.
Maybe Sara is right I wanted to test the waters,I failed the test,

[narla]

You know what's funny,once I started I couldn't stop,I just kept taking them every hour,as soon as I was starting to feel normal I took more 3 days and 80 pills later, thank goodness I got sick,but I started feeling sick on day 2 and just kept taking them,why would I do this after so long.
I need to try and work out exactly what the trigger was.  

[rpooo]

Finding the trigger is probably very important. It must have been something pretty big since you already had the pills readiliy available. Almost sounds premeditated. After 18 months sure is a long time to make it, then fall for a moment of weekness. I'm really proud of you though because the first thing you tried to do was come here for support and though it didnt totally help, here you are willing to start again.  Did it make you feel more secure having them around as a just incase kind of thing?

Thats surely a temtation you must learn to live without, same as with alcohol. You know it was strange for me when I stopped drinking because I quit so abuptly I still had 3 1/2 thirty packs in my garage and a half of fifth of my favorite liquor in the cupboard. I refused to get rid of any of it until I knew I was gonna make it not drinking. The strange part is that it never once tempted me. So along came the really sad day when i gave the beer away to a guy and his wife I saw cutting a neighbors yard to make a few bucks. I still have the fifth though and its never tempted me.

Oh but I sure have fantasized! Often I think man, today is a good day to.... but there's no way I am going to give that stuff a shot at my life again. Well I'm starting to ramble on since it's getting so late. If you ever feel the need to chat I'm usually on here somewhere. Just send me an email. Take care Narla.
Randy

[dominosarah]

Yes premeditated is exactly right.  We relapse long before we pick up and use.  Very common for us that are dual addicts.  We make tons of excuses in our heads that it is okay to pick up and use one or the other.

Narla....I saw this coming quite awhile ago especially after you had sciatica.  All of a sudden the cravings started, more with alcohol as you put the pills aside and left them unattended.  It's just like a small child, when they are quiet they are usually into something.  You stopped talking about you being dual addicted.  The writing was all over the wall.  You had to have that one last attempt at believing you could control your intake when in all reality you cant.  Your husband was in control of them before.  I also think you justified in your head that it was okay as long as it wasnt the alcohol.  I may be totally off my rocker here but i dont think i am.  So am i a wingnut or am i getting close??

[ibizan]

No ur not a wingnut or a footard!:)U right on baby.....R-Poohbear usually is 2!:)

[narla]

As usual I think you are 100% spot on sara,the pills were there from the sciatica,I had a little headache nothing much really and took 2,got that buzz and kept taking them every hour then went and got 2 more boxes of 40 pills in each,the rest is history.
But in this case I hope history will never repeat itself,
Normally I would say I know history will not repeat itself,but if nothing else I have learned that we never know what is around the corner.
I just hope I don't get sciatica again,but if I do I'll make sure hubby has the pills and I'll get him to keep them with him when I'm over it.

By the way Sara,I am not a child LOL,I think I'll go throw a tantrum now.Stomping me feet and screaming right now,I hope you can hear me.

[dominosarah]

Well i am feeling like a child right now so i will join you in the foot stomping and screaming!!

The important thing is you are back on track and i am very proud of you my friend~~~sara

[rpooo]

Sarah, stop kicking your sister! ha ha

[dominosarah]

She started it!!!

[narla]

Did not,you did

[rpooo]

Dont make me come over there! Where is Ibizan she will seperate you two!

[dominosarah]

I'm telling.........

[rpooo]

IBIZAN!!!!!

[dominosarah]

tattlepants!!

[narla]

Dobber,rpooo

Psst Sara,maybe we can team up and harass rpooo LOL

girls have to stick together,

Whisper so he can't hear

[rpooo]

atleast your finally leaving each other. Have you two noticed Ibizan decided not to get sucked into our game here. It's almost like she's the moderator and trying to set an example by staying on topic. Naaa, that cant be it.. she's just chicken! ha ha

[narla]

Hm,Where is ibizan?

Topic!what topic LOL

You've scared her off rpooo,
By the way have you heard about Sara's voodoo dolls,Be very,very,careful.
You'll regret it if she resorts to getting them out.  

[dominosarah]

They are already out!!!!  lol

[rpooo]

Well Sarah, put em back in your pants or somewhere else you can enjoy them. They wont work on me because I got voodoo kryptonite!!! Ha ha

[dominosarah]

Kryptonite wont touch my voodoo dolls.....

Narla i think rpooo has cooties!!!

[rpooo]

Oh yeah, im infected! Beer goggles use to protect me from voodookie but i through them away! ha ha

[dominosarah]

lol

How old are we again??!!!

[narla]

voodookie,I love that word

I am 49 nearly,going on 10,and loving it

I'm throwing my crayons at both of you,LOL

I suppose someone will tell ibizan,dobbers